DA JOKE THREAD

[Frequency]

Seems like mine are the best ones so far...LOL

Why I stopped watching barney...


1) Start with the given:

CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR

2) Change all U's to V's (which is proper Latin anyway):
CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR

3) Extract all Roman Numerals:
C V V L D I V

4) Convert into Arabic values:
100 5 5 50 500 1 5

5) Add all the numbers:
666
Thus, Barney is Satan.

 

[starlightartist]

XD
How Do You Get Pikachu On A Bus?

Spoiler:

Pokemon!

How Do You Get Groudon On A Bus?

Spoiler:

Put Him In A Pokeball And Carry It On!

What Do You Call A Deer With No Eyes?

Spoiler:

Poor Soul.

 

[mulch_ar]

Okay, here's mine:

​

Andy has worked in the military for 2 years and hasn't get the chance to come home. One day, his girlfriend sent him a letter..
​

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear, Andy

I'm sorry, but now I've found another man. I've to leave you since you never come back home. But I've one wish to you. You have many good pictures of me, please send them back. Once again, I'm sorry
Angela
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
​

After reading the letter, Andy got furious and ran around the camp, asked other armies for pictures of women, and put it all in a box. Then he sent the box to his ex-girlfriend.

Two days later, the package arrived and his ex opened it. But she's confused cause she found so many photos. Then she found a letter under the box and read it..

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Angela

I'm very sorry dear, but I forgot which one is yours...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
​

sorry for my bad english

 

[Idiot!]

An old woman and a lawyer sat next to each other in a flight. To pass time, the lawyer decided to play a game with her. "You and I take turns to ask each other questions. If you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. If I don't know the answer, I'll give you $50."

The old woman nodded.

"I'll start first then. What is the largest lake in Africa?" the lawyer asked.

The old woman handed over $5. She then asked, "What digs a hole at noon, jumps into a river, reverses its flow and is never seen again?"

The lawyer took out his laptop, searched, asked for the answer, and could not give an answer. "Okay, I give up. What's the answer?" The lawyer gave her $50.

The old woman took out $5 and give it to the lawyer

 

[Frequency]

Look, another skeptical Irishman!


An Irishman went to London for a visit to the zoo. While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant could look at person and tell that person's age. The Irishman was very skeptical and said so, in no uncertain terms. The man had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times. "Is that right?" he asked the boy. "Oh yes." the boy said.

The Irishman was very loud, in his not believing that this was true. The man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot and the people said he was correct.

The Irishman got even louder and more abusive toward the man. Finally the man could take it no longer and wagered the Irishman that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age. The Irishman took him up on the wager. The elephant looked real close at the Irishman, turned around, raised his tail and cut wind like you wouldn't believe, turned back around and stomped his foot twice.

Where upon the Irishman stumbled back and with a sound of disbelief in his voice cried "BeGabbers, He's Right...Farty-two!""

 

[~*!*~Tatsujin Gosuto~*!*~]

Iwangi, that's why chocolate is better than MEN, just figured I'd clarify, lol. =p

I totally agree with that one lol


:t354:TG

 

[I Laugh at your Misfortune!]

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea!

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea!

What do you call a blind dinosaur?

Doyouthinkhesaurus

EDIT: just remembered this one XD

Gordon Brown is drowning in a lake when three small boys see him and, being nice little boys, they go and help him out. When he's recovered his breath a bit, he says to them:
"You know, I am a very powerful man, and because I am so grateful, I will offer each of you one reward, whatever you want!" The first boy thinks, then says:
"I want a million pounds!" Gordon takes out his cheque book there and then and writes him a cheque for a million pounds. The second boy steps forwards and says:
"I want a jetpack!" Gordon digs in his pocket, then hands over a set of keys to a top-secret research lab where the jetpack is. Then the third boy frowns and says:
"I want a top of the range wheel-chair!" The PM looks confused.
"But why? You look perfectly healthy to me."
"Yeah, but I'll need a wheel chair when my dad finds out I saved Gordon Brown from drowning!"

 

[Cowboys_girl24]

okay it might sound cheesy but here it is

Little timmy had a report on the first 5 letters of the alphabet
so he asked his mom who was talking on the phone

timmy: mom? whats the 1st letter of the alphabet?
mom: shut up stupid im on the phone!

so he wrote it down
next he asked his dad who was watching TV

timmy: dad? whats the 2nd letter of the alphabet?
dad: YEAH YEAH GO!

so he wrote it down
next, he went to go ask his sister who was singing and listening to music

timmy: sister? whats the 3rd letter of the alphabet?
sister: alllll niiight looooong!

so he wrote it down
then he asked his little brother wh was watching batman

timmy: brother, whats the 4th letter of the alphabet?
brother: da na na na na na na na na BATMAN!

so he wrote it down
the next day his teacher called him up
teahcer: alright timmy its your turn!
timmy: SHUT UP STUPID IM ON THE PHONE!
teacher: *gasp* do you want to go to the princible's office?
timmy: YEAH YEAH GO!!
teacher: how long do you want to stay there?!
timmy: alll nigggghhht looooong!
teacher: who do you think you are!?
timmy: da na na na na na na na na BATMAN!
---------------
my joke, cheesy huh?

 

[Frequency]

Never make a drunk call the police....


A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time, and the same voice came over the line, "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake!"

 

[.Fenris]

Here's something I found on another forum... Not sure if it's ok to post, though.

Spoiler:

[AGELIMIT]
ParoxsymX: Oh, and i go to an all-boys college (high school) and i'm not gay, but i has hawt girlz all ova meh. I'm just that kinda guy....

Solo Wing Demon: The more you proclaim it, the more you aren't getting any.

ParoxsymX: Any what?

[/AGELIMIT]

Original topic: https://acecombatskies.com/index.php?showtopic=15160&st=0

 

[Frequency]

Damn...LOL.

Here's another one!


A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A mancomes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here onthis beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?
Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket bout full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened then?
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.
Man: And then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: And then?
Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Hmmm...
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do?
Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in..... Some things you just can't explain.

 

[GreenStorm]

Here's a few. I'm not sure if they're appropriate, though:

Spoiler:

President Bill Clinton was visiting an elementary school today and
when he visited a class in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "Tragedy." So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street and a car came along and ran over him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says Clinton, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 children

drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call GREAT LOSS."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.

President Clinton searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand.

In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Clinton, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens,
that would be a tragedy.

"Fantastic," exclaims Clinton, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss."

Spoiler:

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reliterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

Spoiler:

There were three guys who found a magical hill. Legend says that if you say something and jump off the hill, you'll land in it. So the first guy jumps and says "Money!". The second guys jumps and says "Food!". The third guy starts running to jump, but trips and says "Crap!".

Spoiler:

There were three men on an airplane. The pilot announces that there's too much weight on the plane, and that everyone must drop an item. The first man drops a penny. The second man drops a rock, and the third man drops a bomb.

After the plane lands, the first man finds a boy crying. The man asked why the boy was crying, and the boy replied "A penny hit my dog, and now he's dead."

The second man finds a girl crying. The man asks her why she's crying, and she replied "A rock hit my toe!"

The third man finds an old woman with a huge smile on her face. The man, curious, asks her why she's so happy. She said, "I farted and my house blew up."

 

[Dan LegitTrading]

Duck jokes quack me up. XD [/cheesypun]

Anyway; One duck asks another: "Hey, you want some Cheese and Quackers?"

For some reason, that 1st one made me laugh so much lol




Top 20 Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery
1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
2. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
3. Hand me that…uh…that uh…thingie.
4. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
5. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
6. There go the lights again…
7. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys…and this guy's got two of 'em."
8. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
9. Could you stop that thing from beating, it's throwing my concentration off.
10. Sterile, schmerile. The floor's clean, right?
11. What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?
12. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
13. Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
14. What do you mean "You want a divorce!"
15. Fire! Fire! Everyone get out.
16. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing.
17. Oh, look everyone. It's lunch time.
18. The foot bone's connected to the, leg bone…
19. That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
20. Hey, if you pull on this it makes a funny noise.

 

[Idiot!]

Not sure whether this is appropriate.

Spoiler:

The teacher asked her class of seven-year-olds to find something interesting to tell everyone the next day.

When it was little Johnny's turn, he went up and drew a dot on the blackboard.

"What's this?"

"It's a period."

"Okay, what's so interesting about it?"

"No idea. All I know is that when my sister told the family she missed a period at breakfast today, daddy fainted, mommy ran around screaming and the guy next door shot himself."

 

[Suki]

Top 20 Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery
1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
2. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
3. Hand me that…uh…that uh…thingie.
4. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
5. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
6. There go the lights again…
7. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys…and this guy's got two of 'em."
8. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
9. Could you stop that thing from beating, it's throwing my concentration off.
10. Sterile, schmerile. The floor's clean, right?
11. What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?
12. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
13. Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
14. What do you mean "You want a divorce!"
15. Fire! Fire! Everyone get out.
16. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing.
17. Oh, look everyone. It's lunch time.
18. The foot bone's connected to the, leg bone…
19. That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
20. Hey, if you pull on this it makes a funny noise.

lol, that's funny. Same with the milking the cow joke. Btw I tried telling some of the jokes that have been posted here to my friends, but I kinda failed and ruined the jokes XDD' I got a few laughs but also got told I was the worst joke teller ever x_x;

 

[Abnegation]

I hope this hasn't been said...

Why was the biscuit sad?

Because it was WAFER a long time


xD

 

[Vednix]

why is s** like fractions?
Becuase it's improper to have a bigger one on top.

why is s** like math homework?
It's best done alone in bed.

 

[Frequency]

Some yo mama jokes...

Spoiler:

yo mama so fat her pansy size is ***** lose some weight

Yo' mama's so fat, she wears two watches
-- one for each time zone!

Your mama is so fat she lives on the biggest loser show!!

Your mamas so fat she ATE the biggest loser!

Yo mama's so big, that they had to change
"One size fits all" to "One size fits most"

Yo mama's so fat, her driver's license says:
"Picture continued on other side."

Yo Momma's is so fat, she fell asleep in the attic and woke up in the basement.

Yo momma so fat that when a bus drove by she yelled TWINKIE!!!

Yo momma so fat that when she sat in class she sat next to EVERYBODY!!!

Your momma is so old, she delivered Jesus.

Yo mama so old, I told her to act her own age, and she died.

Yo mama's so old, she farts dust.

Yo momma's so old, she still owes jesus a quarter.

Yo momma's so old, she saw passion of christ live.

Yo momma's so old that her social securities number is 1

Yo mama so old, she had to sit on a wheelchair and her husband asked "Oh no she crashed into Wal Mart."​

Yo mama's so poor all she has is a coupon for the 99 cent store!

Yo mama's so poor, the bank repossessed her cardboard box.

Yo momma's so poor she cant even pay attention.

yo mama so poor when she was kicking a can down the street someone asked her what she was doing and she said im moving my house got a problem with that?

Yo mama so poor when i stepped on a cigerette she said who turned the heater off.

​

Yo mama's so stupid she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind.

Yo mama's so stupid she eats her food stamps.

Yo mama so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

Yo mama so stupid she locked her self in a motorcycle!

Yo mama is so stupid she brought a spoon the the Super Bowl.

Yo mama is so stupid she sits on the TV and watches the couch.

Yo mama is so stupid she brought her son Steve and his berries from his lunch to Steve and Berr.

Lol. Just a couple!

​

 

[FalconJoker]

Two men walk into a bar.

But you would have thought the second would duck.

 

[Vednix]

Yo mama joke time :P

yo mama so ugly she made an onion cry!
yo mama so fat, she got bapised in sea world!
yo mama so fat she needs 2 slabs of butter to get through a door. One to get her through, one to eat!