Dear...Whoever you are.
I've been thinking for quite a while now who I want to be, what I want to become. I've seen many people pick roads in their lives too, so I think it's time I chose mine. Because, the way I am right now disgusts me. I hate looking at my face, waking up and going to school and hang out with people that don't even acknowledge me. That alone makes me feel weak, and angry.
Most people wouldn't admit something like that, but I will. I've been called numerous names, and you know what, maybe I am a "douchebag". I've always told people that I'm a jerk, but that doesn't feel right. In fact, the way I'm writing this post right now doesn't feel like I'm writing it. Maybe I should change.
But into what? What should I become? I've always asked. The answer? Nothing. I've never had the answer to my current teenage/identity angst. I'm sick of people shying away from me, I'm sick of being an outcast against his own will, I'm sick of my life. And I've gotta change that.
But, alas another question appears. What should I become? I can literally be anything, I can be an introverted guy who's a genius, or the extroverted happy-go-lucky who knows everything. But none of those sound right. Being introverted severely cuts me from the world...and being an extrovert doesn't help either.
I'll be honest. I feel like there's a blindfold over my eyes right now. I can't see the answer, it's as though I'm walking into walls, and not staying on my path. But I realized something.
My path wasn't carved yet, isn't it? But once again, a question: what should my path have, own, like, dislike, etc.? But as selfish as it sounds, I don't want to dislike something. You think it's easy hating yourself?
So maybe I'm being arrogant. Maybe I'm being conceited. Maybe I'm pretending again. I'm not sure anymore.
I don't want to write this anymore, but I'll continue, until I find my answer.
I apologize for posting this on a Pokemon forum, but this thread made me question who I am by reading some of these posts, probably because I, being a conceited little something, intentionally thought they were targeting me.
I slapped myself, because why would anyone care about some random, selfish boy on a Pokemon site? That made me feel extremely stupid, in fact just a moment ago I thought TheSmartOne was targeting me. My inner self said "Are you for real?". So, as you can, I am selfish. I want to change that...but what if that's my path?
Which comes to another problem. I'm always second guessing myself. It's strange, actually. The people I admire the most never look back, yet I'm the kind of person who always criticizes himself and others constantly. I can't count the number of times I ignored someone because I thought they were "bad".
Maybe that's the curse of being a "gifted person". I know for a fact that I am different from my peers, and even from people in here, who I thought I might relate to, are completely different from me. I've questioned myself time and time again, why am I always the odd one out, why can't I just stop being the outcast...and I realized, I can't.
It's impossible for me to stop being an outcast. In fact, I think that maybe I am slightly different from most of you. I've never seen someone else have these traits, even the outcasts don't act like me. Which makes me think...am I really that different?
I accepted it, and it made me into what you see today. A selfish little something. I can't believe I actually fell from my previous perch, a child who liked everyone and everything. I was once very social, actually.
And I was happy. Truly happy. And I didn't care what anyone thought of me. I was my own individual. I wasn't an outcast, yet I was unique. Intelligent. Beautiful, as one might say.
But I guessed that all changed when I became more and more aware of everything. After a while, I started to see everyone being an idiot, following the crowd. I didn't want to be associated with them, so I broke apart from the world. I think that's when I fell.
Then, everyone started to leave me, and I was angry. But not at them. At myself. I was angry at myself for being this way, and I started to loathe being around people. Which is why I never made any friends. Not because I couldn't, but because I didn't want to be rejected.
I can't even consider anyone being my friend, I see people like Derozio as an associate. I'm sorry, Vikalp, but don't consider me as your friend.
That's another thing. I'm an oppressor and a user. I use people, a lot. I just realized it now, I'm no better than the man who beats down his wife. I'm the worst of the worst. I'm a monster.
But does realizing that help? Probably not. In fact, it makes things worse. But, know that I know, I can change. I have a goal now, at least.
I don't want to be myself anymore, I want to return to my roots. I want to be pure again, but I can't. A hunter cannot bring back a life, once they shed blood, it's over.
The same goes for me. I'm a hunter, or at least I thought I was, and I want to be a new kind of hunter. I probably sound stupid right now, it's exactly like saying I'm a shark who wants to be a lion.
But that's stupid for me to compare animals to myself. Animals have their own road, even if we don't understand it. They had a purpose, ever since they were born, completely different from me. Sharks hunt because they have to, regardless of what they must do. I shouldn't never ever put animals on a lower tier than I am, because they are in fact higher. They have a purpose and meaning to live. I don't.
After all this typing, I think I have a slight answer. Just a sliver of the ideals and truths I am seeking. I want to be the person who's everything, but I can't. It's impossible.
But the things I want to be good at or master take years and different understandings, so I can't do those . Besides, I'm socially deprived.
So in the end, I've discovered what I really am. Look at me for what I am, everyone. This is who I truly am. No more lies. No more falsities. I'll just start with the truth first.
But yet, I still have yet to come with in an answer. Once again, me the criticizer has struck again. Once again, my higher understanding is getting in the way. I'm guessing it's true, what I said a few years ago.
What separates fools and geniuses is fools have a purpose and a way, regardless of what it is. The geniuses can never find a true path. Because, their too damn smart for their own good.
As the two sentences above says, I can't find a path. I can never be satisfied. And I accept that. Maybe I'm taking the easy way out, but that's a good place to start, yes?
I'm sorry for sounding very random, everyone. But I have to bounce ideas in order to find my answers, which probably don't exist, and I feel very comfortable writing on this site, so don't delete this. Because I want to look at this and think about myself again, and maybe I can find my way.
So, I apologize everyone, and goodbye. For now.
Before I forget, I may seem calm and at peace, but that's for everyone else's benefit. In fact, I'm very perturbed as of now. So once again, I am being selfish. I am hiding my feelings from everyone again...I have to find my way fast, I'm going to fall apart.
