@ Call of Dragons
-yay an action packed chapter! ^^;
-grammar mistakes... even though MSWord is used (sidenote: when I upload my story too, MSWord tends to screw up on PC o.o), it cannot detect "alternate word." Be sure to check that you didn't make a mistake with the mistake being another word that's spelt correctly, as MSWord will fail to pick that up.
-now for the battling, it seems like those Machops are just clay soldiers who know nothing but to walk forward and punch o.o; could always give them a few attacks too
-the Lavender citizens are acting rather odd for the news... instead of acting so dead, shouldn't they be panicking like what every other villager is like in the past chapters? or maybe even evaculating
-Blue is still being a little bit OOC though she got better... I still think that she's more calculative and informative than that to be caught so easily and not realizing that another Pokemon army is heading that way
-the name "Derek" for the kid leading the Machops was rather fitting... not sure if this was a carry-over from ToLaF though. However, the fact that Derek ("Ruler of the crowd") leading an army was a nice metaphor
-*cough cough* Machops and Dragonairs = Bruno and Lance's element *cough cough* lol... ^^; Let's see if Dewgongs crawl up the shore to invade Fushia next? ;p
-something worth pointing about... the conversation between Nina and Blue was an excellent opportunity to sqeeze in a LOT of important story element. It could be longer than this and be a lot more informative. But that's not really a "mistake"
@ Paths of Shadow and Light
-first thing worth frowning about is the mega corny title... all 3 important keywords in the title are all highly overused, making it difficult for your fanfic to standout when the readers are cruising along looking for a fanfic (then again I suck at titles myself too >_>)
-now I had no idea that it was Giovanni until he introduces himself and his name, which may not be a good thing. When Mike and Giovanni were walking down the hallway, you could add in character description of "the man" (Giovanni) through the eyes of Mike. His red suits and other distinctive characteristics should make this task easy
-also lack of character description for Mike too, but then again if he's nothing but a NIC (Not-Important-Character, like those that gets disposed of quickly), that'll be fine
-overall a nice prologue written, with very few errors and mistakes (that I can find). Great job for the beginning of a long story!
@ Pokemon Beyond (revised edition)
-a MUCH better and less confusing story compare to the mess it was. It was a great improvement in both readability and plot.
-there's always a much better time to do settings of time than the ugly "author's note" type of thing, such as "3 years before the first episode of Pokemon." You can try something like "It was 3 years before the <however you want to describe Ash> trainer Ash Ketchum set off for his Pokemon journeys in Kanto. <background info of Ash when he's 7> But at this same time far away..."
-the fake Groudon thing is still a bit awkward... and in the current way it's used, it's not really related to the Trojan Horse at all except for the concept of men inside something (Trojan Horse is more like a metaphor for hiding inside something that's seemingly harmless in order to lower the opponent's guard, and a fake Groudon certainly doesn't seem harmless and doesn't lower the opponent's guard)
-there was no need for that explanation line about Korean conversations... in the world of fanfic, every human langauge becomes one language automatically for the readers
-"It was tiny but still big enough for visibility." take that off asap as it's a HUGE dent in the mystery department. It is better of a cliffhanger to end off the chapter without that line
-the camera shy line is unneeded as its direction is clearly comedical, while your story heads off to the dark/angst direction
-not much of a mistake, but you don't have to have Groudon dig underground in order to avoid the incoming explosion from the reactor. First of all seeing such a huge lizard digging under ground destroys the "cool Godzilla-like" feeling of Groudon. Secondly, to see Groudon surviving the huge explosion will add to Groudon's ferocity as well. It's fanfic, so don't need to follow the realistic order that everything will die under an explosion from a reactor like that. Plus, Groudon's legendary, and the fact that a Pokemon is "legendary" can (and should) be abused by the author to make it invincible unless facing the main hero/main villain ;p
-slight paragraphing problems... though the general rule is that it's a new paragraph for every new speaker, some stories can push it so that there's a few speakers in one paragraph, but for Pokemon Beyond, sometimes it's too crowded to see so many dialogues flying back and forth in one huge paragraph. Break it up a little bit (especially in the prologue scene)
