Fanfiction Lounge

[Frostweaver]

@ TTYO

Err another digi-poke crossover? I dunno... those are hard to stand out. The witch idea is actually quite pleasing. You don't HAVE to follow history's suite in such a strict manner you know. It's your fanfic, meaning that you can twist things around to your appeal.


Now as your loyal fanfic supporter, Oni, who keeps nagging you all day long, tonight I'll do the same ;p LONG REVIEW.

@ Call of Dragons

-now this grammatical mistake is beginning to repeat itself too often...

"Nina muttered as she broke the silence between her and Dennis."

In cases like this, it's always the 2nd person going first in an And clause, then the subject of the sentence. The logic works just like "me and Dennis," when it should be "Dennis and me." So, it should be...

"Nina muttered as she broke the silence between Dennis and her."

(a very hard mistake to pick out, as I didn't even know of it until my english teacher told me this year... good way to avoid this easy trap is to say "Nina muttered as she broke the silence between the two of them." XD)


-once again we see a nice job of Nina being very consistent with her personality, as she continues on with those naggings and pleading XD

-on the other hand, sadly, we don't see as much consistency with Dennis. Even though he's always at a bad temper now (which is an improvement), in the Dream Sequence he's still the perfect man o.o; dream or not dream, that should not be happening, or at least give some transition. More rant about the Dream Sequence later...

-now I hereby confirm that all ladies in Call of Dragons will always crumble down in tears waiting for the nearest male being to lend a shoulder XD; meh my biased self for liking blue as my favorite manga character still thinks that Blue is unusually dependent on everyone else... this one maybe because that I'm biased... thought Blue will do a little better than that, kids or no kids >_>; Either way, this trend is starting to become a little of a problem, as now if I strip off all the physical descriptions of Yellow, Blue and Nina, and swap all of their lines around, you won't even realize that I swapped them because their teary personality is pretty much identical. Nina is a little better due to the pleading nature, but then Blue and Yellow are identical twins so far... other minor personality (doesn't even necessarily have to be plot-breaking) being added to Blue and Yellow will help with this problem.

-Silver also suffers the "I'm easily emotionally affected and I'll probably cry if a bad news hit me" dilemma. He seemed too cool in the manga to frown and sigh and feel guilty *that* easily, especially since you added a cold and frightening first image to him when the gang is on the way to Saffron from Cerulean. Back then he sounded so all knowing and just know exactly what's going on, but then feel too cool for the party to tell them everything. Now he's just another helpless ordinary citizen... o.o;

-small note regarding realism, but news will never say the army just disappeared like that in a flash. When everyone's eyes are on them, the news will certainly follow the armies tight enough to find out that the Machops got their sad behinds handed to them.

-the scene of Vincent and Dennis is strange but not wrong either... the scenery around him is of a fairy tale state, so we expect good stuff to happen (and that is fulfilled with the upcoming Dream Sequence). However, at the same time we see Dennis being greatly annoyed by Vincent's barrage of questions, which contradicts the setting. So the setting is half fulfilled and half contradicted. It's weird.

-We see Dream Sequence #3, which again I had plenty to rant about
a) I'm still feeling goosepumps when the spirit says those "I never had a feeling for mortal before" stuff, especially since it's so repeated. Repeating is fine since it represents that the line is very important, which is obvious, but then the corniness so kills me x_x;

b) now plot flaw... the spirit has "feelings" for Dennis, yet asks stuff about love (aka "feeling"), which seems rather contradicting. Either have her know what's love, or don't let her know anything about it. She's so certain that she got moved and has "feelings" for him, yet has no idea what's love like. It's rather strange and highly awkward, making the spirit look like a Psyduck incarnation.

c) now that the spirit is named Naomi, she's on a one way trip to "fanfic sainthood." With a name meaning "my blessing," "my pleasantness" and "step mother," instantly we know taht the spirit is on Dennis's side. Not necessarily the good side, but Dennis's side. A very nice name chosen for a character once again, and that's 2 in a row ^_^ Very nice job to use a name as character description.

 

[TTYO]

I have updated Pokemon Beyond

<Bite> Ouch! A scyther bite my nose!!

 

[oni flygon]

@ TTYO

Err another digi-poke crossover? I dunno... those are hard to stand out. The witch idea is actually quite pleasing. You don't HAVE to follow history's suite in such a strict manner you know. It's your fanfic, meaning that you can twist things around to your appeal.


Now as your loyal fanfic supporter, Oni, who keeps nagging you all day long, tonight I'll do the same ;p LONG REVIEW.

@ Call of Dragons

-now this grammatical mistake is beginning to repeat itself too often...

"Nina muttered as she broke the silence between her and Dennis."

In cases like this, it's always the 2nd person going first in an And clause, then the subject of the sentence. The logic works just like "me and Dennis," when it should be "Dennis and me." So, it should be...

"Nina muttered as she broke the silence between Dennis and her."

(a very hard mistake to pick out, as I didn't even know of it until my english teacher told me this year... good way to avoid this easy trap is to say "Nina muttered as she broke the silence between the two of them." XD)


-once again we see a nice job of Nina being very consistent with her personality, as she continues on with those naggings and pleading XD

-on the other hand, sadly, we don't see as much consistency with Dennis. Even though he's always at a bad temper now (which is an improvement), in the Dream Sequence he's still the perfect man o.o; dream or not dream, that should not be happening, or at least give some transition. More rant about the Dream Sequence later...

-now I hereby confirm that all ladies in Call of Dragons will always crumble down in tears waiting for the nearest male being to lend a shoulder XD; meh my biased self for liking blue as my favorite manga character still thinks that Blue is unusually dependent on everyone else... this one maybe because that I'm biased... thought Blue will do a little better than that, kids or no kids >_>; Either way, this trend is starting to become a little of a problem, as now if I strip off all the physical descriptions of Yellow, Blue and Nina, and swap all of their lines around, you won't even realize that I swapped them because their teary personality is pretty much identical. Nina is a little better due to the pleading nature, but then Blue and Yellow are identical twins so far... other minor personality (doesn't even necessarily have to be plot-breaking) being added to Blue and Yellow will help with this problem.

-Silver also suffers the "I'm easily emotionally affected and I'll probably cry if a bad news hit me" dilemma. He seemed too cool in the manga to frown and sigh and feel guilty *that* easily, especially since you added a cold and frightening first image to him when the gang is on the way to Saffron from Cerulean. Back then he sounded so all knowing and just know exactly what's going on, but then feel too cool for the party to tell them everything. Now he's just another helpless ordinary citizen... o.o;

-small note regarding realism, but news will never say the army just disappeared like that in a flash. When everyone's eyes are on them, the news will certainly follow the armies tight enough to find out that the Machops got their sad behinds handed to them.

-the scene of Vincent and Dennis is strange but not wrong either... the scenery around him is of a fairy tale state, so we expect good stuff to happen (and that is fulfilled with the upcoming Dream Sequence). However, at the same time we see Dennis being greatly annoyed by Vincent's barrage of questions, which contradicts the setting. So the setting is half fulfilled and half contradicted. It's weird.

-We see Dream Sequence #3, which again I had plenty to rant about
a) I'm still feeling goosepumps when the spirit says those "I never had a feeling for mortal before" stuff, especially since it's so repeated. Repeating is fine since it represents that the line is very important, which is obvious, but then the corniness so kills me x_x;

b) now plot flaw... the spirit has "feelings" for Dennis, yet asks stuff about love (aka "feeling"), which seems rather contradicting. Either have her know what's love, or don't let her know anything about it. She's so certain that she got moved and has "feelings" for him, yet has no idea what's love like. It's rather strange and highly awkward, making the spirit look like a Psyduck incarnation.

c) now that the spirit is named Naomi, she's on a one way trip to "fanfic sainthood." With a name meaning "my blessing," "my pleasantness" and "step mother," instantly we know taht the spirit is on Dennis's side. Not necessarily the good side, but Dennis's side. A very nice name chosen for a character once again, and that's 2 in a row ^_^ Very nice job to use a name as character description.

Thanks! ^^

I really need long reviews...XD

 

[Mew13]

I've got Chapter 5 up in Life in the Eyes of Bluk. Read it folks! And please review!!!!

 

[Pogiforce-14]

I read it. It was pretty good.

And jsut to let you guys know. I finally completed Chapter 1 of Pokemon Neo: hoenn Armaggedon. However, my story is truly located in FanFiction.net due to it's violent nature, so if you really want to read it ther is a topic for my fan fiction with a link taht goes straight to teh story. If you don't like the violent nature of it, you have been forewarned.

 

[matrixguy25]

rea:hey

What's up all? I did a remake of The Great Fossil Rush. If you happened to read it please commet on it.

 

[Frostweaver]

@ The Great Fossil Rush (rewrite)

-major grammatical errors everywhere... a little bit is fine as that's just only human, but this much is a little... again, MSWord is your best friend.

-the prologue has some awkward lines... when someone's very sad (or so it seems), they won't talk like that... the current tone is in fact quite jolly O.o;;

-setting sun in the morning? >_>;

-definitely lacking description... the most descriptive thing was Pallet in the prologue... close to nothing about the people at all

-lack of transition... just by looking at some show on the TV, 3 idiots decide to head off to that place suddenly? very awkward

-length problem...

 

[Pogiforce-14]

Is one of Frosty's incredibly detailed reviews heading my way, or is Pokemon Neo: Hoenn Armageddon still not dignified with attention?

 

[Frostweaver]

And I'm so sorry but contrary to common belief, Frosty has a life =) (not much, but it's still a life)

Frosty shall read it tomorrow as long as he didn't faint from the pain of braces.

EDIT: Ok you're lucky Frosty survived the braces so he gets to read...

Pokemon Neo: Hoenn Armageddon

-first problem is the corny title... not the most original thing ever, especially for a fanfic on ffnet where the title and the short summary are the only 2 ways to grab your readers' attention

-Norman is psychic or something? He gets shot in vital spots and he can talk so much and last so long. Also, why would Team Magma come in to shoot Norman, leaves the room temporaily somehow to let the father and son have a short reunion, and then Maxie comes in himself? That goes against logic...

-The story feels so highly unnatural to have Norman inform Seth of everything (partly due to the awkwardness from the above point.) A good way to fix this problem is to have Seth eavesdrop on Maxie/TMagma's conversation with Norman with Norman being held at gunpoint, and then have TMagma blast Norman. That kinda stuff... It should work a lot better than Norman being half dead like that for such a long time...

-(ch.1) no Magma base will be as easy to find as if it's McDonald... and certainly a mere stranger cannot walk in like that so easily. Grunts can't possibly be so slow like a Marcargo to the point that they can't even shot a guy before a guy unleash an Aggron from the Pokeball. The chapter will work better if it progressed in this fashion instead...

1) Talk of how the gym is transformed into a secret base and etc
2) The old admin hears some gunfire outside as if it's invasion from Aqua
3) Dispatch more grunts outside to see what's happening (and have Seth quickly dispose of them)
4) Let Seth barch in into the room of the old admin having just 2 or 3 close bodyguards left, WITH Aggron already out from the Pokeball.
5) continue on with the story as normal

A lot more realistic this way. It's not Matrix where Seth can do all these impossible things at the blink of the eye at his wish. Bad guys in a dark fic is never useless, unlike the gameboy.


@ Life in the Eyes of Bluk (ch.4)

-if you got your main character's name spelled wrong, then it's just an obvious sign that the story has not been proofread and edited

-while most fanfics have too little paragraphs, this one actually turned out to have too much. You can easily combine a few paragraphs to make the story "feel longer." Also it's easier for your readers to read that way.

-ch.4 is a great improvement in the reality department... no longer do we have insane Pokemon who goes out to say "Hi my name is _______ and I'm here to help you with all my heart! Let's be friends!" or anything that sounds like it's a quote from Barney. Even though we once again gets some miraculous good timing and assistance from another Pokemon, it's more believable due to the way Angel made the appearance.

-nothing much more to comment about... except that Bluk's personality is still as good as blank. Main characters in long epic action/adventure fanfics should have plenty of descriptions regarding personality and other behavior.

 

[matrixguy25]

rea:hey

What's up all? I made a remake of The Great Pokemon Fossil Rush I added alot of new and dfferent things into the story. So if you haven't read it please commet on it and say what you think about it.

 

[Zoe0Shockwave0]

How many of you have read Pokemon master.... I want Answers then pending interest in this thread for my follow up.

 

[Frostweaver]

How many of you have read Pokemon master.... I want Answers then pending interest in this thread for my follow up.

If you mean Pokemon MASTER by Ace, yes I have (5 times XD). By far most coolest of all Pokemon darkfic XD

 

[Ryoutarou]

If you mean Pokemon MASTER by Ace, yes I have (5 times XD). By far most coolest of all Pokemon darkfic XD

Where do you find it? I've been wanting to read it for a while.

 

[Frostweaver]

https://www.users.bigpond.net.au/acey/pokemon.htm

*note: warning for rated R, due to extreme violence (with vivid details), language and suggestive stuff and so on... also I personally recommand you to read some Kanto episode guides beforehand too, or else you won't get the full enjoyment out of the fanfic (fanfic is written back in 1999 so it's a RBY only fanfic, with no new Pokemon but just the original 151)

 

[TTYO]

Hey guys,

I will be rewriting Pokemon Beyond and here's a spoiler for the sequel

As USA and the world's most powerful countries weakened from the Gulf War 2 and terrorism. Team Magma and Aqua continues to squabble but Team Rocket secretly grows stronger slowly day by day as victims of discrimintation join Team Rocket. A mortal blow was deal to Japan as a electron-field blade was stolen.

 

[Frostweaver]

@ Falling White

-there's hardly any fixes I can find, as seeing that the writer is (most likely) an experienced writer...

-grammar mistakes as always, but most of them are regarding incomplete sentences without any verbs. This doesn't really happen on a common occassion so it's completely acceptable, as it's not enough to affect the readability

-finally somebody also uses legendary Pokemon without spamming out its name or being captured by some newbie trainer... yay!

-now a bit of an advice... the introduction is very well made. But if you are intending to give readers more of a mysterious feeling, try to use short sentences rather than the compound sentences you have now. Not that it's wrong, but short sentences tend to create a feeling of mystery better than long sentences.

-another very minor mistake, but try to not use 2nd person (you) when you started the narrative as 3rd person

-great use of questions within narratives, which I really don't see very often in fanfics (which shouldn't be happening... it's a real shame). It really helps create the atmosphere and the fitting mood of the confusion for the girl

-great use of length, as the story isn't lagging, yet it got an amazing length for the little actual "plot" it holds. Another great feature for this fanfic that makes it worth reading

-Hikari... lol how predictable ;p (not a fault, just a comment)

-a little point about diction... when someone's unsure of something, s/he will usually say as little as possible... it would have been better if it was just "Hikari"

-easily and without competition, unless another new fanfic comes out, this is guranteed to be THE fanfic of the week for a long while (as long as quality keeps up ;p)

 

[Lily]

Thank you so much for the review Frost! It's not everyday I get full reviews like this. :P It really helped by you stating what I'm lacking and such, as well as the honety put behind it, and I just have to say thank you. I got the name 'Hikari' from the meaning 'light' in Japan. XP I thought it fit, seeing I couldn't find any name that meant white...

Once again, thanks! ^_^

 

[oni flygon]

Hikari literaly translates to Light...so...there might be some specific meaning to that... X3

(One of my RP character's last name is Hikari...but he wasn't really that bright...XD)

Posted new chapter in Call of Dragons. I know I did something wrong somewhere but I can't seem to find it. Hit me with all you can, Frosty.

 

[TTYO]

Oh yah there will be a Pokemon Beyond special called

Pokemon Beyond
Groudon X Godzilla Clash of the Titans

Here's a minor spoiler

As Japan went against its Post WW2 promise and produced a Clone Army to battle Team Rocket as Hokkaido now occupied by the Rockets. The Clone soldiers managed to achieve several victories with maser cannons at first but Team Rocket soon adopted their electron beam weaponry to their side.

With both sides warring, a reminant of the h-bombing in ww2 arises to join the fighting. Helpless, the world knew that only Groudon who's on the side of Team Rocket can stop the nuclear pollution caused by Godzilla. Will Groudon fight against Godzilla?

 

[Frostweaver]

Hikari literaly translates to Light...so...there might be some specific meaning to that... X3

Duh XD
The whole white this light that setup already say "this girl maybe Hikari or something like that..." XD; However, as long as she isn't lame enough to insert those ugly bracket saying "(for those who don't know, Hikari means light!)" then it's fine to such the name.

And I certain support it being the next Fanfic of the Week ^^



@ Call of Dragons

-First part of the chapter can be expanded upon to slow down the rushing, like describe the change in a better manner. In fact, right now "it was so quick and dynamic" that I almost got lost.

-Now when Dennis and Nina were chatting about Dennis and family, this could have been a GREAT opportunity to say more than just "they're orphans." Could have easily mould each of their family background so that your story can explain itself regarding why a character acts a certain way

-ha Gengars... I saw it all along Muahahaha! XD

It was Blue's daughter.

-the most kill-joy line ever in the chapter... in a dark fic where you try to establish a sense of mystery, identity comes last and always last, if ever at all (refer to Lilychu's Falling White to see what I mean) Could have easily delayed her identity until much later or something

-the enemies certainly improved in skill, but I'm sure that our dearest fanfic mod can write a little bit more about the ***** ****'s lankeys' attacks besides the attack names (how biased... the "good guy" team gets like paragraphs describing how they move)

-Alyssa was rather easy going in terms of revealing her "problem"... meh


EDIT:

@ Boys will be Boys

-the BIGGEST problem is Ash being OOC by a lot... he can certainly change as time goes on, but this is just extreme... not to mention, he just starts out like that too

-length problem, and most importantly spelling...

-some of the stuff just seems to be "where did that come from?" This is really because of...

-LACK OF TRANSITION: The diary is just really choppy and doesn't flow too well... you need to explain things in order to make your story believable.