Finally! AHAHAHA!!! Die evil word problems that are wasting so much of my time because of the super unfriendly 3 digit fractions in a parabola! DIE!!!!
@ Call of Dragons- the most rushed chapter so far
-now Vincent was having a bad dream, and then woke up by Nina's voice eventually. And then the story proceeds on to walking south and etc... transition error is present as the story suddenly jumped to him waking up to walking south. Fix it by throwing in something with the word "continue" in it.
-little pointer of diction... question is a word of a harsh tone. Use "ask" instead for Nina towards Dennis
-another diction pointer... mutter usually suggests a slight negative tone of voice... cross that out for Dennis and use another verb in place. Even said will suffice (for the rare chance that it will work).
-another other diction pointer... crimson is a cold color, while you want a warm adjective there
-"why did you change" is not something someone will ask towards someone who who changed in behavior... at least not in Canada ^^; Rather awkward. Cutting it out will work better as the next dialogue from Nina also suggests the same thing anyway.
-again, identities are best to come last. The fact that Naomi reminds Dennis of his mother should come last, not in the middle with all the descriptions at the end.
-this dream sequence is just awkward... again we have Naomi saying stuff that's so direct, that nobody will really say these stuff in such a manner... Also makes the sequence quite corny. Transition is out the window as we see Dennis go "ding! Ahh that's right so I do love Nina a lot!" o.o; I don't know how to exactly pinpoint why it is so...
-a hand can CERTAINLY feel cold and smooth... not something worth the surprise. Did you mean "cold and warm?"
-diction change: change mortal into something else (a young girl or whatever), as mortal is a terribly cold and powerful word, and you're at those love-y cuddly scene... same for spirit, but for that you can just cut out "than a spirit" and call that the end.
-"Why don't you... kiss me yourself... then... I promise... to leave you be..." eclipses are useful but not when you get that many XD "yourself" is not needed as well. Can be reworded to "I will leave you be then... but can't you <some form of hesitation here> give me a kiss before I have to leave you?" to reduce slight awkwardness, plus this reworded form also fits the basics of how important stuff comes at the end, rather than the beginning.
-watch for grammar and spelling... especially spelling mistakes where you mispelled a word to be another word (mind -> mid) which is something MSWord cannot pickup
-the "must-tenses" is so confusing that I'm not sure if it's right or not regarding tenses in the story... "must flee" sounds like present which will be wrong, but then "must fled" sounds weird. Ask someone else to check on that...
-we see more evidence of rushing, as the famous scene of Dennis beside Nina's bedside is such an expandable romance scene (along with being a great opportunity for more description about Dennis's feelings and stuff, or especially Nina vs Naomi XD), yet sadly we see it only in a few sentences.
-"muttered a swear word" is rather wordy and weird... try "swore under his breath"
-you don't gain faster but you gain closer
Most of the complaints are from the 5th dream sequence. Need to work a little bit more on how to write emotional scenes ^^;
@ Road to Palantria
-another excellent chapter for the ongoing excellent story ^^
-I... actually got nothing to rant on this time O.o; *dun dun DUN!*
