Soft and enveloping, like the sudden drowse which was pleasantly consuming him.[/quiote] I understand that sometimes a writer purposely uses an incomplete sentence to emphasize an important point, but I don't see any possible reason in ones similar to the quoted example.
There's also a few weird ones around, like:
Ch. 1 said:
He felt sleep, too, and yet remained awake.
"He was asleep, too, and yet was conscious." may be a better fit. Either that, or you've completely lost me (which may be even worse...)
Consider semicolons instead of commas at times! Certainly there are quite a few occassions where the semicolons may have succeeded in reinforcing your points.
Maybe I just suck at grammar (I really do), but how does today fit in the same sentence as "would leave" and "could" all at the same time...? I'll leave this one out since I don't know myself, but certainly ask someone else who's better at grammar than me about it. It sounds *really* odd...
Remember to end those dialogues with quotation marks, the "".
Major Character(s)- 12/15
14-15 Major characters are very multi-faceted. All details are highly precise and relevant
12-13
Major characters are multi-faceted. Most details are highly precise and relevant
11-12 Major characters are multi-faceted but limited.
Details are precise and relevant
9-10 Major characters are slightly stereotypical. Details are precise but not very relevant
7-8 Major characters are generally stereotypical. Details are present but need precision.
5-6 Major characters are stereotypical. Details are present but limited in amount.
1-4 Major characters have no personality traits, and no details are paid to characters.
Now that's slightly stretchy how Jessie's Wobbuffet is now this complicated psycho blob with such a complicated past... But at least this "wisdom of age" fits better than Faurur >>; Either way, interesting character who seems to be plagues by various parts of the past. However, there seems to be a split to his life of the Team Rocket Era, and the pre-Rocket Era with Ntairow. Not sure if the pre-Rocket Era is important or not since the other chapters emphasize on the Rocket Era... So, is it really important to name Ntairow, The Fade and all? Or else, we maybe misleading the readers... If you're doing something with them, keep it that way, but otherwise just make them nameless characters and a nameless nomadic clan of a mysterious Pokemon species (that's right we don't even know what species they are... other Wobbuffets? So are they important or not >>)
Is Wobbuffet from the show ever on such high alert of his surroundings? Esaax's "psychic" type allows him to sense the coming of Xatu pretty accurately, though there's again no hint of this at all from the show... Even if it's seperated by a few decades in-between... seems OOC a bit.
Syr is probably the most canonical character out of the bunch... Succeeds in maintaining character as a clown for entertainment fairly well just like when he's a Rocket Pokemon, yet also does a pretty good job to handle the story's much more dark setting. By far, he's my favorite character on plenty of levels ^_^ Somehow Esaax just can't have the same impact of Syr to remind me of Team Rocket. He seems much more like another Wobuffet, but Syr can definitely prove himself to be THE Arbok from Team Rocket.
Minor Character(s)- 9/10
9-10 Minor characters are necessary and
relevant, contributing to the story in multiple ways
7-8
Minor characters are interesting and relevant, contributing to the story
6-7 Minor characters are interesting, but are limited in contribution to the story
4-5 Minor characters are irrelevant, and are limited in contribution to the story
1-4 Minor characters are completely irrelevant, and are completely unnecessary to the story
Certainly there are probably other ways to "emphasize" or dictate the tone of a character besides to italicize them, especially when the italics have always been specifically used to talk about flashbacks and other past memories... Adn's lines really shouldn't be italicized, even with the author's notes at the end. If his tone is to be in a specific manner, it's probably better achieved through diction.
If Jen is not a great comdical relief just like his good old guardian, I don't know what is. He lightens the mood together with Syr pretty well after intense moments to smooth things out again, so the story doesn't climb towards the climax too quickly.
Faurir is definitely out of character... even though "it" (s/he) may have lived far beyond its age, I doubt that it can change to such far extents, even if it's giving out a warning message. Be it the dub or the original, I honestly cannot imagine either of those Weezings to eventually become Faurir. Don't even get me started on Faurir being a transexual either... (something the Pokemon gender mechanic certainly does not support all too well, and the explanation given for the change is also rather stretchy...)
Story Details- 8/10
9-10 Details are relevant, allowing readers to fully understand the story
7-
8 Details are sometimes relevant, allowing readers to understand the story
5-6 Details are lacking, not necessarily relevant, occasionally confusing the readers
3-4 Details are severely lacking, and verisimilitude is endangered
1-2 Details are almost inexistent, and verisimilitude is severely damaged
Sometimes there's some small aspect of the story that's never too well explained, although it's only a small amount of the story... Syr mentioned that his fellow Ekans will not easily abandon their "faith" to follow the Koffing Gods, but what "faith" is he referring to? You can have faith in plenty of things, such as their own respective divine beings, or even the humans... There's these sensitive words such as faith, belief or confidence that always need to be clear about what they're referring to.
Though the story does a really good job on the usual details between characters and past history, I'm sort of surprised that the physical aspect of the story is often neglected. I'm pretty confident to say that I know all the Pokemon very well excluding the Diamond/Pearl Pokemon, but even then it took me a very long time to know that Esaax is a Wobbuffet... There's simply not enough physical descrption for settings or characters. Although it maybe a fanfic and we can slack off on descripting the physical aspect of characters a bit, we really need to know more about Syr than "some snake thing." Faurir is beyond understandable if someone has never seen a Weezing... Existing Pokedex entries help a lot here. Same thing with the physical setting exists as well.
Diction/Tone- 12/15
14-15
Diction greatly contributes to story components. Tone is very relevant and suitable
12-13 Diction contributes to story components.
Tone is suitable but not always relevant
10-11 Diction and tone are suitable but not always relevant
8-9 Diction and tone are sometimes suitable but always relevant
6-7 Diction and tone are sometimes inappropriate and are not relevant
1-5 Diction and tone are inappropriate and are not considered by the author
Think you just missed this one out... but either way, always try to avoid using the same words repeatingly within a sentence:
Ch. 1 said:
and her large and agile hands were well-suited for tools and equipment made for the very similar hands of Humans.
Teresa also got all the "anyways" at one point too (3 in one short sentence?) ... and that was simply crazy.
Choice of words are fairly well done. It's very easy to read and understand in terms of the level of vocabulary so readers won't get too lost because of a string of tough words.
Sometimes the story slightly suffers from being overly scientific, especially with the earlier chapters back when Essax is in the Haven. I almost mistaken the story to be sci-fi until Essax got out of the Haven, and then I realize that it's your typical Pokemon genre of adventure... Sometimes we don't need to be too detailed about the biological aspect of a Pokemon to the point of over the line of realistic to being very scientific. Doubt that everyone can understand the differences to neurons and nerves, let along the various systems in the body of a Wobbuffet.
There was an occassion where the story mentions of Faurir being deplated looking because of Pikachu's thunderbolt attacks against the Meowth balloon. Normally that's all fine and funny, but it's also mentioned right inbetween the dying words of Faurir... which is rather inappropriate of a time to talk about such occassions, ruining the mood.
Story Structure- 17/18
17-18 Story structure is carefully planned and greatly contributes to all story components
15-16 Story structure is planned and contributes to most story components
13-14 Story structure is planned and contributes to some story components
11-12 Story structure is slightly weak and sometimes contributes to some story components
8-10 Story structure is weak and rarely contributes to story components
5-7 Story structure is weak and endangers the story components
1-4 Story structure is fragile and damages the story components
Sometimes it's a good start to be all creepy and mysterious, but to the point of complete confusion maybe trying too hard... I personally digressed and partially ignored the confusing bits to move on to Ch.2, but really some parts in Ch.1 can drive readers away, and I believe someone else already commented on it. It maybe bad to try too hard at being all mysterious...
Now this evil God from the sky mechanic certainly sounds familiar to a certain Fantasy I have I said nothing.
It's a pretty good pace to have almost one flashback for every one chapter that talks about the present. It seems rather balanced for this story which has a strong emphasize on the mysterious Extinction along with the new threats from the sky.
Little plot flaws can be found at the moment, but perhaps that's only because this story is still in its earlier stage... Afterall, the main plot barely unfolded.
Fandom- 2/2
2 Story takes full advantage of the Pokemon fandom to maximize the story's potential.
1 Story utilizes Pokemon fandom settings to enhance the story.
0 Story barely utilizes Pokemon fandom settings. Choice of fandom limits the story's potential.
Specific haracters are taken directly from the fandom, which aren't too easily replaced by other random Pokemon... The Rocket Pokemon relationship is not so easily recreated with other fandoms anyway.
Effort- 9/10
9-10 A great amount of effort is shown. Author's re-read and editing are apparent.
7-8 A good amount of effort is shown. Further double checking maybe necessary.
5-6 A good amount of effort is shown. Double checking and spell checking are necessary.
1-4 A limited amount of effort is shown. Please use spell check and other helpful devices.
Pretty sure that with your skill and age, there are some errors that are avoidable... Like you said, it maybe a piece of work from many years ago, but always only present the best version for your readers. Afterall, it's not like they will force themselves to read a story out of pity that it's only works from a few years ago, and the later chapters will "eventually get better."
Literal Device Bonus- +2/15 (Foreshadowing /1, Antinomy/Paradox 1/2, Foil /2, Dramatic Irony /2, Situational Irony /2, Allusion 1/2, Motif/Symbols /3)
Pros
-Strong basic level of story structure, as all aspects of the story are carefully laid out easily allowing the plot to continue without problems
-A good balance of background information and future plot development exists, allowing the readers to easily understand the story
Cons
-Characters do not always resemble their counterpart from the Pokemon canon
-Story can use further clarification on details and physical descriptions
Total: 89/100
(So close, so close... but I honestly don't know how to bump it to a 90. Keep up the good work! It's only one mark away from the Standard of Excellence, and I'm sure that your future chapters can do it!)
*Note that this review system's point rating is generally flawed unless it is reviewing a completed work, or an one-shot story (but not necessarily is the rating always higher or lower than the actual rating in comparison to the finished story).
