@ Worlds Away
Equipped with a protective suit to guard him against any possible threat present during the dimensional transfer and a robotic companion who...
A slight grammatical error... right now it's saying how Jack is equipped with the robotic companion, when you want to say that he's accompanied by one... adding "accompanied by" after the "and," and explain how its folding capacity is one way to easily fix this problem. Another is to talk about its folding capacity first before (not after) you mention how Jack is "equipped" with it. Otherwise you'll confuse your audience.
Encased in a white metal sphere, no one could see the look of horror on Jack?s face as he started to hear all manner of humming noises and began to feel as if he was being pulled in all directions at once...
?I always imagined hearing that at a different time but, here goes.?
Contradicting emotions...? The horror seems to have disappeared suddenly within one paragraph, without ever explaining why...
?What the heck is that? Are you throwing some kind of bomb at me??
Tone sounds really awkward here... if someone is throwing a potential bomb at you, it's not so humane to answer with this quote... as if it doesn't matter at all. Possible that he is not afraid due to the protective suite, but
-chapter one got so many chances to be expanded on, especially on the feelings of the new world Jack is in. Right now it's a bit... feeling rushed?
-now throughout both chapter one and chapter two, there's plenty of places that deserve more story breaks (or the "* * * "s that you used)... it's not very easy to understand what happened at times, and it'll help greatly if you insert them more often at the appropriate places
-i'm not sure about the robot being mistaken as a Pokemon from the sound of things... narrator when speaking in the perspective of both TR and Ash's party talked of it as a "robot" yet the party think of it as a new Pokemon? o_O;
-don't use midi files as they're disgusting =D wav or mp3 or just something else but midi
-physics notes: the leg bending part will actually increase the damage received, but it forces Onix to take recoil damage because now you got negative velocity from RAA. So that really doesn't neglect the damage but actually amplify it at the cost of Onix doing recoil damage. (not related to the quality of fanfics, of course, but just want to point that out)
-not so realistic at all that Ash is rather "ok" when they left to chase the poachers and then talked about Caterpie... Pikachu is still with Team Rocket o.o; OOC for Ash there
-now I did listen to the music... and while they can be helpful, that doesn't mean you can ignore the tension and mood created by words. Sounds can assist you, but keep in mind that this is a *fanfic* meaning, it relies on words.
-the chapter titles can also use a bit of work... especially the ch.4 one. Titles really try to be compact, and not be lengthy
-right now the story is kind of plain... this idea has been done quite a few times already (but like Breezy said, no gameboys so yay). Still lacking in details in various parts, but details are generally ok. However, nothing is really outstanding... it's just plot followed by plot. Try to work on the more advanced parts of writing, such as trying to include various devices in order to strengthen your story.
Good Points
-scientific tone of 2345b
Focuses to Improve On
-character development of all other character pretty much (especially tone... they can be so OOC at times)
-insert more story breaks to help with readability
-insert more details
To improve your battle scene sequence, i'll strongly suggest you to read over the part of Iveechan's story regarding the Pokemon tournament... Hitmonchan vs. Poliwrath had an awesome battle scene which makes any other Pokemon writer worth envying about.
Title: 4/5
Grammar Basics: 9/10
Coherence/Readability: 9/10
Characterization: 14/20
Story Structure: 8/15
Tone/Atmosphere: 9/15
Diction: 14/20
Effort/Originality: 12/15
Lit. Device bonus: +0
Total: 75
