Mhmm. My grandfather died when I was six. I didn't feel to sad when he passed away as I didn't know him that well. I saw him around twice a year because he lived on the other side of the country, and a year and a half before he left us, he was put in a nursing home and shortly after that, the hospital. I think I only saw him once in the nursing home, and it was a really brief visit. My parents didn't bring me into hospital because they didn't want to upset me.
The only death that's ever felt real to me happened over half a decade ago now. Her name was Lily, and she wasn't a family member or a relative. In fact, I barely knew her. My parents had gone to college with her parents back in the day, and we had attended some gatherings, but that was it. I can remember being told she was going to have an operation because she had a really bad back problem (I was never told what back problem it was, so don't ask. All I know is that her spine was bending way too much and that she needed that adjusted or else she wouldn't make it to twenty-five), and the day after I was told that it hadn't been a success. She had lost the feeling in her legs and she kept drifting in and out of conscienceness. Three days later, I found out there was going to be another operation, and luckily my parents didn't sugercoat it for me. If they had said something like, 'this one's definitely going to work,' only for me to find out that it didn't... I would've probably ended up in a really bad state. Instead, they told me that it was even riskier than the first operation and that no one was sure about what the result was going to be.
I was playing Worms 3-D (great game) with my friend Fionn the day after, when my mom called me out and told me Lily hadn't made it. I remember taking a deep breath and feeling my legs turn to jelly. She asked me if I wanted Fionn to leave, but I said no. He stayed at my house for another two hours and it was terrible. As soon as he left, I went up to my bedroom and I cried. I cried for God knows how long. And I couldn't even figure out why, seeing as I barely knew her. I was in an absolute state all day, and I think I ended up crying myself to sleep that night too.
Mhmm. Not fun at all.
