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No Matter How It Ends

Angel Tabitha

944
Posts
19
Years
    • Age 33
    • Seen Jul 6, 2007
    Well I just wrote this and it's a tad sad.Sorry if it upsets someone or anything like that.

    No Matter How It Ends

    No matter how we do this,
    No matter how it ends,
    I can no longer call you my friend,
    A friend is someone whom I can trust,
    And I'm afraid that I can't trust you.

    Pains and sorrows,
    Joys and good times,
    All of it is now left behind,
    Lost but not forgotten,
    Our friendship dies,
    Even if it is only in my eyes.

    We now shall part ways,
    I refuse to shed a tear,
    Tears only deepen my weaknesses and fears,
    One day far off,
    When we pass each other by,
    I doubt I'll talk to you,
    But you will still catch my eye.

    Friends then lovers,
    Broken apart now,
    It didn't matter how we ended it,
    And you know,
    I can no longer call you my friend.
     
    Last edited:

    Kelsey

    ~-*-~-*-~-*-~
    1,912
    Posts
    19
    Years
    • Seen Mar 30, 2005
    Awwwwws, it's so sad! ;-; I did feel the theme of the poem, which is good. I feel that you can maybe fix up some of the stanzas, just to make it a little less choppy. But, you don't have to take my advise. XD I think it's a wonderful poem, nice work, Angel. ^_^

    ~Kelsey
     

    Gardy

    Beautifully Destroyed
    2,091
    Posts
    20
    Years
    • Wow that was amazing. It made me cry and I feel like poem too. You are a good writer *rates 4/5*
     
    Last edited:

    ~Ozy~

    PC's Unofficial Poetry Critic
    5,246
    Posts
    20
    Years
    • It needs major work, even from a free-verse standpoint. Poetry is very emotional, yes, but there's also a technical aspect. The outpouring of emotion is simply the first step, I typically spend at LEAST three to four hours revising my stuff before I even THINK of finalizing it. Every word in a poem must be carefully chosen for how it relates to the rest of the poem as a whole. A single misplaced word can ruin the effect. Revise it, add a less-typical sentence structure, try to aadd a bit of rhythm. It has a lot of potential and I'd like to see it get there.

    This isn't to say it's horrible, though. It's very emotionally touching, it just needs better presentation.

    2/5
     

    ~Ozy~

    PC's Unofficial Poetry Critic
    5,246
    Posts
    20
    Years
    • Oh, I'm not trying to insult it or you by any means. If you want some help, I'd be more than willing. I'd like to help you improve as a poet.
     

    Kyosuke

    .·Simple Complexity
    2,485
    Posts
    20
    Years
    • It seemed like you had a friend and you aren't friends anymore, it becomes obvious to the reader after reading just once, which is always a good sign and I overall enjoyed reading it.

    Like it was said earlier, a few stanza's could use a bit of work (just the 2nd and last), but don't take comments like this too seriously that it offends you, we're just trying to help out ^^.
     
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