Pokemon - Elemental Islands

[ProtrainerEon]

Aaaaah, you got me started again.

How about it being run by a testy little girl, like six years old? LOL. That would be completely contrary from what you'd expect.

Gabriella - She isn't as smart as an adult yet, but knows what to say and do to annoy you and break your concentration during battle. Then she lands massive blows with her Pokemon, which are exceptional.

Clefable: Clefable is a serious Pokemon that whips out attacks you wouldn't expect. Metronome, Swift, Tackle, Leer, Wish

Dodrio: Drill Peck, Fury Attack, Wing attack, Screech, Gust

What about giving her an Eevee as well? That way it can battle Maddy's and they'll be evenly matched. Or what if they end up liking each other after the battle? Maddy could ask to breed them together for Ian. LOL!

Eevee: Slippery and playful, still in its cute stage, but very strong. Special move is Spark (electric ball of energy shot from its mouth). Return (Almost always hits), quick attack, headbutt, bite, growl.

I also have an idea for a dark-type gym leader.

Deacon - Snobbish and careless with his battles, but his Pokemon's skills make up for his faults, so don't mess with him.

Poochyena: Kept from evolving, is immensely powerful however. Crunch, Double-Edge, Slash, Counter, Howl

Houndoom: Crafty and a little uppity towards opponents. Moves very quickly and fiercely. Flamethrower, Fire Punch (Can be used with a paw, or even all four, and if you jumped on the enemy that could hurt) Iron Tail, Faint Attack, Tail Whip (actually does damage, and can shoot flames from tail)

Murkrow: Is lazy but strong when it wants to be. Peck, Pursuit (If you return a Pokemon, it hits them hard before they are back in the Pokeball), Harden (hardens beak), Scratch, Steel Wing (isn't very accurate from lack of practice), Rest

THERE! I'm done for now.

 

[Skymin]

SOunds great!
Ill get to writing it soon....

 

[Scarlet Weather]

Hmm.... the story itself is Ok, but there is one problem with the whole thing: YOU ARE GIVING AWAY INFORMATION ABOUT THE PLOT WAY TOO QUICKLY! If you're going to share ideas, you two *glares at Protrainereon and Dragon Ryder* use the PM system! I don't WANT to be told what is going to happen before it actually does happen!

Now, to break down some recent errors...

"Ima Joe *whoo*, sorry 'bout the random noises,"

Egad! This whole thing is apparently taking place in an internet chatroom, as otherwise the characters could not use Asterisk Action! Not to mention that Joe has apparently misplaced the second apostrophe needed in this sentence.... okay, that was a little cold on my part, but you get the idea. Instead of using asterisks, which aren't even real punctuation marks, to accent Joe's words, how about you say something like this:

"Hey, I'm Joe, sorry about the HOOT! random noises." replied the boy, grinning sheepishly. (Okay, okay, that was only a mild improvement, so what, I had a late night yesterday!) My point is that you should try to make his random noises part of the sentence.

"That's what I thought," Ian said to himself. It just seemed that the Chikorita had amazing speed. Growlithe had great Attack, so it should knock it out in one shot.

The sentence structure here is a little weird. Instead, try something like this:

"That's what I thought," Ian thought, staring at the annoying plant in front of him. Despite Growlithe's incredible attacking power and type advantage, Chikorita still seemed to be able to avoid any attack he could throw at it. If only he could score a single hit, he was sure the battle would be over.

Once again, not a stellar improvement, but you get the idea.

Chikorita ducked used a Razor Leaf.

Wow... Chikorita must not like to tell how its attacks work... and it's prejudiced against conjunctions. You need to insert and "and" between "ducked" and "used" in this sentence. However, it might help if you described this attack a little more... maybe something like:

Chikorita stared at the oncoming fireball before diving to the ground, causing the flaming orb to miss its head by mere inches. As it returned to its feet, it began swinging the leaf on its head, causing a mass of sharp-bladed leaves to hurtle outwards toward the enemy.

Actually, that time was a major improvement, in my own personal opinion. I don't claim to be the best, but...

He sighed and said, "Fine, just make sure you win," Kai sneered

Apparently, Kai feels that he must say this sentence once, then sneer it. If you were intending to say that Kai said this, then sneered after finishing, your sentence would look like this:

"Fine, just make sure you win," Kai said, sneering.

All sharp-witted comments and errors aside, there really isn't anythhing completely wrong with your story, besides the lack of a "plot". You can't write an OT story about running from town to town anymore, after all. Just try a little harder next time, 'K? I'll be waiting on your next update.

Rating on the ACC scale: 6 out of 10.

 

[ProtrainerEon]

-_-

Art Critic Cubone, tire out your eyes as much as you want. So, if the writer is allowing the plot to be shown, then it is okay with them. I see your point but I'm just saying...

Also, I think the asterisks work far better than your 'improvement.' I'm not making enemies (at least not trying) with anybody, but I just stated my opinion.

All sharp-witted comments and errors aside, there really isn't anythhing completely wrong with your story, besides the lack of a "plot". You can't write an OT story about running from town to town anymore, after all. Just try a little harder next time, 'K? I'll be waiting on your next update.

Who says they can't be run-of-the-mill with their story? You? No offense, but that's not really gonna stop what's going on here. I understand the errors and cliche-ness, but at least the fic is decent. I mean, we're not dealing with a major mispelled text blob here. Be grateful! Heheh. XD

 

[Skymin]

O.o that is a little.... overboard...
Dude, this is my first fan fic, so dont think it should be perfect, and making gramatical errors? it only human!

He sighed and said, "Fine, just make sure you win," Kai sneered Apparently, Kai feels that he must say this sentence once, then sneer it. If you were intending to say that Kai said this, then sneered after finishing, your sentence would look like this:

"Fine, just make sure you win," Kai said, sneering.

All sharp-witted comments and errors aside, there really isn't anythhing completely wrong with your story, besides the lack of a "plot". You can't write an OT story about running from town to town anymore, after all. Just try a little harder next time, 'K? I'll be waiting on your next update.

note that the sighing is there....
he sighs first, then sneers...
AANNDD if you read my RP, there is a plot!

Would you rather put the plots in spoilers??

Also, can you not put down my work and put better work?
For one, you make me feel bad (not that that matters), 2 i am not an experienced writer! I am not Tolkein, Rowling, so on...
this is a fun writing im doing, and not to be taken too seriously

EDIT: Plus, i like using the asterisks as people might go wth if a knah is sitting in the middle of a sentance

 

[ProtrainerEon]

All writing should be taken seriously. One thing though, it shouldn't be taken to the extreme like some have been known to do. Sometimes it can shatter somebody's writing spirit. They may have a fear of 'put-downs,' so Art Critic Cubone, try to level out the good and bad comments in your response to keep the writer's head up high. I'm not even a critic, but this is obvious to me. I'm not trying to show you up as a bad critic or anything, just stabbing facts into your torso like daggers...XD Just kidding! Anyway, I'm done here until the next reply(ies).

 

[Skymin]

My writing shouldnt really be taken seriously, the only serious stuff i have is my other thing, which aparntly is really good. but i dont play with that anymore....
my writing is fun only... so post you comments, i might heed them, but i like my style of writing..
and thanks Eon, i know you arnt really backing me up, but it makes me feel a bit better

 

[Legobricks]

art_critic_cubone, you're not maddy's teacher, and best be laying off with the correcting and complaining if you can't be nice about it :sleeping:

 

[ProtrainerEon]

Actually I am. I know what you mean is that this isn't some real big fic project, but to me all written work (well fanfic-wise anyway), has value. Maybe not so much, but some is in everything someone writes, because it comes from their heart and mind. Writing is a personal expression of something about the person who wrote it, whether it be their hobbies, favorite shows, or even the kind of things they like to write about.

but having seen people say things like this before, i'm beginning to think it's not deliberate :\

I don't understand this...? Huh?

 

[FullmetalxFangirl]

Nya-ha, nice story! Your characters are believable, aside from that eevee. >| But it's cute, so it doesn't matter. Will its odd moves have some kind of effect on the fic at a later stage? Omg. Yay. -reads fic for the eleventh time- x_X Keep writing. D:

 

[Scarlet Weather]

art_critic_cubone, you're not maddy's teacher, and best be laying off with the correcting and complaining if you can't be nice about it

How do you know that? For all you know, I could be. We've never met, after all- unless you are stalking me in real life! LYKOMGSTALKER!!! Ok, Okay, I'll stop being random now.

All writing should be taken seriously. One thing though, it shouldn't be taken to the extreme like some have been known to do. Sometimes it can shatter somebody's writing spirit. They may have a fear of 'put-downs,' so Art Critic Cubone, try to level out the good and bad comments in your response to keep the writer's head up high. I'm not even a critic, but this is obvious to me. I'm not trying to show you up as a bad critic or anything, just stabbing facts into your torso like daggers...XD Just kidding! Anyway, I'm done here until the next reply(ies).

Oh.. my torso is apparently dagger-proof, for I am not yet dead. 0_o
And to be a good critic, sometimes I feel like I have to "take writing to the extreme". See, my goal in life is to actually land a career in the writing industry, and if I can't write well, I can't land that career when the chance comes. Hence, I write fanfiction so I can improve my writing and hopefully do better the next time. Incidentally, when it comes to fanfictions, I'm not the best- my own story, the Chronicles, only scored a seven on my ACC scale, and after the way I screwed up the last chapter, I thought about lowering it to a five. My point here is that I'm as hard on myself as I am on everyone else, and I don't mind people being hard on me, so it's a bit hard for me to see why people don't like it when I make comments like that which are calculated to help people do better next time. I could just say "This fanfiction could be better" and leave it at that, and for one post that's what I did, but then I realized that not suggesting improvements and pointing out mistakes isn't fair to the person you're reviewing- just to say "you could do better" and leave it at that is pretty low, in my humble opinion. And if I sound vaguely sarcastic, keep in mind that my first experience as a critic was flaming n00bs in a Naruto roleplay, which I now see was equally unfair. And hey, I tried to point out that there was nothing seriously wrong with the fanfiction- just a few grammar mistakes and a lack of description. If that wasn't a compliment, I don't know what was, considering that I'm the kind of guy who takes characters pretty seriously, and would be up in arms against this fanfic if the characters were all uberly-powerful or unbeatable, or something dumb like that. And as a final defense of my actions:

my writing is fun only... so post you comments, i might heed them, but i like my style of writing..

You didn't make this clear from the beggining- especially when you asked people to review you. If you don't want to change the way you write possibly for the better, don't ask for reviews, as the whole purpose of a review is to show what's wrong with your story. Jeez-O-Flip, would you people get off my back? If you want to get back at me, go read my fanfiction and give ME a sarcastic-sounding review!

And ProtrainerEon, tell me what you mean by "writing spirit". I've always thought that writing was made by waters of a spring of inspiration flowing through a channel created by the unique mind of the individual, and out through the hands onto paper or a computer screen. And if people give up their writing spirit easily after getting a bad review, then in my opinion, those people never should have started writing in the first place. But that's just me.

As a final final comment, if you don't like someone's review, you can always IGNORE it. Note the capital letters accentuating IGNORE. I did that not because I think you're so stupid you need me to use caps lock before you do anything, but because I feel really stupid that I did not IGNORE your comment.

 

[Scarlet Weather]

Who says they can't be run-of-the-mill with their story? You? No offense, but that's not really gonna stop what's going on here. I understand the errors and cliche-ness, but at least the fic is decent. I mean, we're not dealing with a major mispelled text blob here. Be grateful! Heheh. XD

0_o I didn't notice this until after my last post... and yes, I do. I am the all-powerful ACC, and what I say goes! *is struck by lightning*. Not to self- refrain from sacreligious dogmatic comments. And yes, the fic is decent, did you even NOTICE me saying that nothing was seriously wrong? As I've said before, my mission is to help others improve, and improve myself. Gee... I sound kind of like some kind of altruist- which is totally not like me. Usually I'm a literary demon. Must be the positive influence of you all telling me (in the politest way possible) that I am not welcome to say what is wrong with this writing. *explodes from sarcasm buildup*

 

[FullmetalxFangirl]

Come on, people! Give Cubone a break! He's just trying to point out some parts in which the author could improve. If people just say, "OmG yer fic rawx mah sawx on t3h t3l3fon bocks~ LyKsH1FtOnE~~!!!11!", or, "Your fic is t3h sux0rrz. >|", it's sorta useless. What's going right? What's going wrong? More people these days need to be specific. Usually, if I am critiquing minor issues (such as this fic), I will PM a detailed account of what I think could be done to improve. Otherwise, the author will never get better and will continue to suck (not that this author sucks ... just saying that if the author did suck blah blah blah) for the rest of their suckful writing career. Ya' dig? ;3

So just cut the guy a little slack. He's only doing what he can to help the author improve.

 

[ProtrainerEon]

And ProtrainerEon, tell me what you mean by "writing spirit". I've always thought that writing was made by waters of a spring of inspiration flowing through a channel created by the unique mind of the individual, and out through the hands onto paper or a computer screen. And if people give up their writing spirit easily after getting a bad review, then in my opinion, those people never should have started writing in the first place. But that's just me.

Listen, I totally see where you're coming from (well maybe not the spring of inspiration part but anyways...), but I have something to say. Some people have fragile emotions or just don't handle excessive criticism well. So to avoid that, try to be as nice as possible while at the same time pointing out faults. Constructive Critism *ta da* is supposed to be CONSTRUCTIVE, that is, to CONSTRUCT a good foundation of dos and don'ts in fics to help write one that is decent. Not to criticize and tear down the small amount of mentally constructed dos, don'ts, and defense against feelings being hurt by reviews.

I know many people who take the smallest things personally. Just be careful with your wording. That's all I'm trying to say! :)

 

[Legobricks]

Come on, people! Give Cubone a break! He's just trying to point out some parts in which the author could improve.

i know this, but there's too much correcting, it's perfectly fine, i think it's good what cubone's said, but i should think he only needs to use 1 or 2 examples to get his point across
edit: also the manner of the writing in said post is what i'd call a bit harsh, ya gotta be nice while helping/correcting people ;)

but having seen people say things like this before, i'm beginning to think it's not deliberate

I don't understand this...? Huh?

what i mean is that it's just a personality trait rather than a concious action


everyone please now STFU and get on with your lives, we've all wasted our time and breath enough today...

note: i hold nothing against anyone

 

[Skymin]

Whoa, whoa WHOA guys!
okay, i think we can stop this little row...
okay, Cubone, im sorry, i was in a bit of a bad mood, lots of stress as some guy wanted me to do sprites, i was PSing and i was also talking, i needed a nap lol
Plus, ill try to take some stuff in..
Thanks Fullmetal, 11 times! i didnt think it was all that good O.o
new chapter, comming your way... not yet, but hey!

 

[ProtrainerEon]

Well, seeing as Cubone is now a discarded pile of ash, we can all move on. XD Well anyways, after I get the broom and dustpan I'll be leaving, checking back periodically for the next chapter.

-_- I'll be waiting...

 

[Rena Ryuugu]

Hiiiii Maddy!!! Heeheehee~

I finally found your fanfic... And LOVE it! I hope you keep up the good work (And your own wrtiting style).

I'll keep checking back as the story progresses...

 

[Skymin]

hey sarah! yeah, i know i havent been writing much lately, ill do some now :)

 

[Scarlet Weather]

Thank goodness for that. I was dying of boredom. 0_o