Small Writing Competition

[Aisu]

So yeah, already know, I won.

Kidding, I'm nervous as hell over here. I'm finding myself wishing for second place.

 

[Venia Silente]

icomeanon6 & Aisu: Yay! Hopefully you people do well. I'm at the moment content with apparently having qualified at all. And just for this time I'm not making promises about quality of writing~

(And try to edit the post, icomeanon6, that way the smileys worked for me.)

 

[icomeanon6]

(And try to edit the post, icomeanon6, that way the smileys worked for me.)

(I've kept trying that, always unchecking the "disable smilies in text" box, but it won't take for some reason. Eh.)

^^ Works here, anyway. Stupid smilies.

So yeah, dance party: ^^ ^^ ^^

So yeah, already know, I won.

Kidding, I'm nervous as hell over here. I'm finding myself wishing for second place.

The best part about being nervous as hell for these contests is that you get to live with the suspense for days until the judging is done! But seriously, try not to sweat it too much. If you lose, you learn, and if you win, you should still learn, because learning is good. The important thing is to take the opportunity to grow as a writer and have some fun.

And be sure to thank your judges, people. It's a tough job.

 

[countryemo]

I just hope I did decent. I'm not the best writer, and I did write it within the last hour due to procasternation, so I don't feel worth any places besides kinda trying. xD and the part that included the theme is so so small, I had to stuff it in because I had 10 minutes left, and did no planning. xD

Best of luck, and good luck / thanks to the judges!

 

[Nolafus]

Posting to say that I got Countrylemo's entry and Solovino's!

Just so you know, I do accept bribes. Cookies and brownies will do fine, but an entire cake will do even better.

 

[Aisu]

Just so you know, I do accept bribes. Cookies and brownies will do fine, but an entire cake will do even better.

Let me get your address, because I just happen to have

Spoiler:

this amazing cake. Now, to get it away from Honey-senpai, that's the problem...

 

[Necrum]

I sort of forgot I was doing this event. Oh well. Maybe next year, I was pretty busy this year.

 

[Logical Cabbage]

May the best writer win and I'm gonna thank the judges for organizing this wonderful event!

 

[Mega Venusaur]

I hope that my entry from Braxien can be switched to my new account. I have sent a message to all three judges.

 

[countryemo]

I hope that my entry from Braxien can be switched to my new account. I have sent a message to all three judges.

Why did you make a new account Braxien? o.O None of my business though.

The worst part of competitions, waiting for the results, slipping in your own anxiety, despair, tears as you pounce around the the small hallway with the other contestants spaced sparingly each in their own pool.

 

[Mega Venusaur]

Why did you make a new account Braxien? o.O None of my business though.

Look at this post, I can't be bothered to explain it again:

http://www.pokecommunity.com/showpost.php?p=8346935&postcount=1366

 

[countryemo]

Look at this post, I can't be bothered to explain it again:

http://www.pokecommunity.com/showpost.php?p=8346935&postcount=1366

Ah ok, sorry about that. Best of luck collecting your rewards!

 

[Bay]

All right, progress on the scoring so far:

-bobandbill finished his scoring and comments! He recently send them in to the judges.
-I got my scores and comments done, just need to polish the formatting of my reviews first. I should be able to have them sent tonight or tomorrow. Got everything ready and had send in my scores!
-Not sure of Nolafus's progress yet.

 

[Nolafus]

-Not sure of Nolafus's progress yet.

Almost done! Just a couple more days and we should be good to go. Of course, the key word there being "should", and the beautiful thing about plans is that they always fall apart.

 

[Venia Silente]

Silly Nolafus, you should know to plan to take a loooot of time to review, that way that plan goes wrong and you take very little! ^^

Thanks to the judges by the way!

 

[icomeanon6]

Every time someone posts in this thread I get a small heart attack.

When I try that solovino it usually goes wrong in the completely opposite direction. xD

 

[Bay]

All right, all the scores and comments have been turned in! How this is going to work is I'll reveal the placements (so 7th place first, 1st place last) along with each of the judges' scores and comments. Comments are under spoilers. Because there's a tie, there will be 7th place and then 5th. Now, the results!

7th PLACE (TIE)
Countryemo, Rivals
51/90 points

bobandbill's scores and comments
6/10 Spelling and Grammar
5/10 Characterization, Plot, and Description
6/10 Relevance to Prompt
17/30 Total

Spoiler:

From your entry PM it sounds like you only started writing in an hour. Which was... certainly ambitious of you! Good work turning something in on such short notice.

It did suffer a bit from being so rushed though, I feel. There were a number of typos that might have been partly helped by a (better?) spelling/grammar checker, and the story seemed unfinished as well. While there seemed to be some beginnings to a rivalry there, it didn't have much time to develop. I would like to see more, so if you feel like you have more time later on then consider editing/expanding the story further.

The golden leaves broke off the gentle twigs into the crisp breeze flowing through the school yard. The air was filled the smell of the mornings dew, not yet contaminated by the horde of students filling the pathways heading inside at sound of the brass bell.

Flowery language, but it seemed maybe a bit too much so without introducing important facts for the story itself. Watch out for getting the story bogged down with description; try to have something (say an event, a character doing an action, etc) happen during such moments perhaps so they have more relevance. Otherwise, continuing with...

My name is Chris Bayne, its the first day of my sophomore year. I had just got off my plain from France, first day in America and I'm going to school. "Just my luck." I mumbled to myself as I walked through the grand front entrance to the main building.

...makes it stand out somewhat, as both paragraphs together are somewhat abrupt.

You would want to start a new sentence after 'Bayne', or throw in an 'and' afterwards (so '...Chris Bayne. It is the...' or '...Chris Bayne, and it is the...). Btw, it's = it is, while its is possessive and I don;t feel the right choice here. Lastly - plane rather than plain.

With dialogue, be sure to only use a full stop if the sentence ends with the speech. Here you should use a comma as 'I mumbled to myself as I walked...' refers to the dialogue and wouldn't be the start of a new sentence. Note that this rule doesn't apply to ! or ? or anything else - just full stops. Some quick examples:

Spoiler:

"I am a dog." said the animal.

"W-woah, a talking dog." I whispered.

"Yes. Indeed, I say quack," He ran off.

"I am a dog," said the animal.

"W-woah, a talking dog!?" I whispered.

"Yes. Indeed, I say quack." He ran off.

The first two lines have what follows the dialogue refer specifically to it (who said it, how it was said), and wouldn't work as separate sentences (that is, without the dialogue being there) because they refer directly to it. The third line however allows a full stop as 'He ran off' doesn't make reference to the dialogue - it is a proper sentence by itself.

I quickly found my classroom and found my seat, sadly it was physics and my mind was not that focused due to a lack of rest the previous night.

This was also a run-on sentence. I would make it two sentences (...found my seat. Sadly it was...). Also blasphemy, Physics is great!)

"You can call me Mr. Leroy, now then students, please get out your textbooks and read the intro." The teacher said before sitting down at his desk focusing on paperwork, ignoring the students.

Another example of the dialogue issue - here a comma should be used, and 'The' becomes 'the'.

"Upstairs, I'll show you after. Names Matthew by the way."

Name's (Name is).

here are other typos here and there, and the punctuation in dialogue issue persisted, but you get the idea I hope. A bit of proofreading will catch those errors, and I would put them down to the mad rush in getting something done in time. As said, I hope you consider writing more as there is a decent basis already for a good story. Just needs some more time and work is all.

Bay Alexison's scores and comments
Spelling and Grammar - 6
Characterization, Plot, and Description - 4
Relevance to Prompt – 5
TOTAL- 15

Spoiler:

Spelling and Grammar – 6
Several typos and basic grammar mistakes, some missing punctuation. A couple examples:

. I had just got off my plain from France, first day in America and I'm going to school.

"Plane" I think?

"Hi Matthew!" I said as a I plopped down on the bench, taking off my shoes.

Get rid of the "a".

A lot of the dialogue punctuation is wrong also. For instance:

I lowered my voice and asked "Where is that?"

There should be a comma before asked, like this:

I lowered my voice and asked, "Where is that

"Right in this room." He said, signaling me to follow him. "Which subject? Chemistry, Calculus, Biology?"

The period after the dialogue should be a comma instead and "he" should be lowercased. Like this:

"Right in this room," he said, signaling me to follow him. "Which subject? Chemistry, Calculus, Biology?"

Characterization, Plot, and Description – 4
Plot feels more like a day in the life of a high school student. Nothing wrong with that and a high school setting does make good material for this prompt, but I feel you didn't execute the narrator and Matthew's rivalry well there. The day there is rushed with the narrator going one class/activity to the next. Slow down!

Relevance to Prompt – 5
I can see you're going for the narrator and Matthew as rivals, but there seems to be not much tension going on between them. The main problem is their rivalry isn't developed enough. There should be more scenes where the narrator crosses paths with Matthew and show why the narrator sees him as a rival. Their race at the end would then be more effective.

Slayr231's scores and comments
Spelling and Grammar - 6
Characterization, Plot, and Description - 6
Relevance to Prompt – 7

TOTAL- 19

Spoiler:

I won't go into grammar, as my two other judges have done that and just going through it again would be redundant, so I'll just talk about the story itself.

Spelling and Grammar
This really needed some proof-reading. Like I said, I'm not going to spend a lot of time on this, since my fellow judges already have, but this could have benefited greatly from going over it again. Wrong words were used, words were misspelled, and stuff like that. I know time was short, and that hurts a lot, but keep it in mind for the future.

Characterization, Plot, and Description
At some moments, I felt like the description was too much, especially the first sentence. Really, the first sentence doesn't need to be there at all. The characters aren't outside, and it doesn't really bring anything into the story. As the story progressed, you got better about this, but the story was very dialogue heavy. It's hard not to be in a short story, but I felt like a little more description sprinkled throughout, and not clumped together, would have worked much better.

As far as the characters go, they aren't bad, but they aren't that great either. I felt like the dialogue was robotic, and scripted. Your attempts at making the characters witty were good, but they were missing something. I hate to bring this up for one reason, and that it's almost impossible to properly critique. Dialogue is very tricky, and it takes a lot of practice to make it sound somewhat normal. The only advice I have is to keep at it, and you'll improve. It's as simple as that.

Relevance to Prompt
The main problem I have with this is that it wasn't developed enough. It has a good setting, but the story ended before the plot began. I feel like the rivalry was just beginning, but it didn't have the time to fully develop and be a driving force for the story. And because of that, I docked some points. The time restriction was you worst enemy on this one, I feel, and the story suffered because of it. Maybe if we had just a bit more time, because a week isn't very long, I felt like this could have been good, but just not right now.

7th PLACE (TIE)
Logical Cabbage, Just About The Scars
51/90 points

bobandbill's scores and comments
5/10 Spelling and Grammar
4/10 Characterization, Plot, and Description
6/10 Relevance to Prompt
15/30 Total

Spoiler:

Overall this did feel somewhat unpolished. To be a bit harsh, the story felt unconvincing and the tragedy of the character's situation somewhat forced from the get-go, and there were a number of typos. While the story did stick to the prompt, it felt a bit awkward in how you addressed it. There wasn't quite a sense established of the two being rivals.

I suppose it could be put down to it being possibly rushed to make the deadline/

My Swanna laid there beside me, bloody and lifeless in my arms. There was nothing I could do to stop it. My Swanna, my dear pokemon. She tried protecting me and they killed her. She tried protecting me and they killed her. The last pokemon I had alive and they killed her. The first to go was my first partner, Empoleon. All he did was tried to rescue Hank, which he did, and then they found him in the pokemon center and killed him.

The beginning for instance suggested that to me. In one paragraph you list that the character's last Pokemon is dead, then jump to the first Pokemon and how he died, and repeating that 'they killed her/him'. This may have turned out better had you expanded the story, and told it more like a story so we had more of a sense of what the character was feeling and could appreciate the situation more.

I saw him there in uniform of red and white, and he stood there wide eyed at me.

in 'a' uniform of red and white. Using a hyphen for wide-eyed is something to consider as well.

I didn't show anything to Hank. All I said was that Empoleon ran away to Hank.

Points in the story like this also sounded odd to me. Why didn't he say anything to Hank about his Pokemon dying? Surely he would have found out about it (even if he hadn't turned out to be the villain all along). And on that note, I didn't find his reason of pretending to want out and having the others slowly kill his friend's Pokemon to 'get promoted to boss' as a really convincing motivation. Just seems to be too many gaps in logic to me with that plan. Whyever did he not use his gun in the first place if the main character had been a problem for the gang, for instance?

I've been practicing since 5, soiI know how to use it.

You'd want to write out numbers less than 100 as words, so five over 5. There's also a typo right after it. I was also bemused that you introduced the main character having a sword that he knew how to use since the age of five just like that too. It seemed like something thrown in as the story went along.

" What are you doing Nita? What's with the sword..."

Here there was an extra space before 'What', and you'd also want to use a comma before 'Nita' as he's referring to him by a name. (A comma should be before or after a name, nickname, etc, e.g. 'Hello, Bob', or 'Hey douchebag, where did you get that?').

Overall this just felt rushed. There's a basis there for a good story, but it does need some editing and expansion so that facts don't feel to be introduced on the go, and that everything makes sense.

Bay Alexison's scores and comments
Spelling and Grammar - 7
Characterization, Plot, and Description - 5
Relevance to Prompt – 5
TOTAL- 17

Spoiler:

Spelling and Grammar - 7
Several instances of present and past tense switching, one typo.

"I've been practicing since 5, soiI know how to use it."

"So I" I think is what you're going for.

I [S-HIGHLIGHT]lifted[/S-HIGHLIGHT] up the sword to strike at him and he [S-HIGHLIGHT]avoided[/S-HIGHLIGHT] my attack. Then he [S-HIGHLIGHT]grinned[/S-HIGHLIGHT] and [S-HIGHLIGHT]summoned[/S-HIGHLIGHT] his pokemon. That's not why I screamed. I screamed because then while I was distracted, I heard a boom and my side hurt in sheer pain. I [S-HIGHLIGHT]touch[/S-HIGHLIGHT] it and see blood, then I [S-HIGHLIGHT]feel[/S-HIGHLIGHT] a bullet in it. I [S-HIGHLIGHT]drop[/S-HIGHLIGHT] to the floor and [S-HIGHLIGHT]looked[/S-HIGHLIGHT] to Hank. He just smiled and showed his hidden gun to me. I [S-HIGHLIGHT]feel[/S-HIGHLIGHT] myself losing more blood.

An example of tense switching. Most of this paragraph is past tense but then the bolded parts are present tense.

Characterization, Plot, and Description – 5
Rushed without much chance for me to feel some emotion for the character. I feel Nita's anguish over the loss of her(?) Pokemon, while understandable, is a bit overdramatic. Same goes for how each of the Pokemon died.

Relevance to Prompt – 5
Feels more like someone wanting revenge than a rivalry going on to be honest.

Slayr231's scores and comments
Spelling and Grammar - 6
Characterization, Plot, and Description - 6
Relevance to Prompt – 7

TOTAL- 19

Spoiler:

I won't be touching on specific grammar mistakes, as my fellow judges have already done that, but I will be saying overlying statements.

Spelling and Grammar
Ooh, this was your biggest downfall. There were a lot of mistakes, and this really could have used a good proofread. There were a lot of tense switches and little mistakes. I'll let my two partners in crime go into more detail for this.

Characterization, Plot, and Description
The plot fell a little short for me. I mean, it was pretty intense, but there were a few too many holes for me to get really into the story. The biggest problem to me is that the team could have simply shot the narrator and avoided this whole mess. Another one is that I don't understand why the evil team promoted someone who was about to quit. Even if they didn't know, a person generally shows a lack of interest when thinking about quitting, and therefore, wouldn't have looked good for a promotion. It's just things like that, that brought the story down as a whole.

The description was pretty lacking. I didn't feel immersed in the scene, simply because there wasn't much to imagine. You glazed over the description and rushed to the dialogue. It's something I do myself, so I wish you luck in fixing that and if you beat it and know how to help others overcome it, help me!

Relevance to Prompt
I get how the two were rivals, but it just didn't scream that to me. Instead, it screamed revenge. I can see where the rivalry took place, but I feel like it was a sideshow to the main attraction. Because of that, I docked a few points, but not much.

5th PLACE
Mega Venusaur, Mummy's Bump
68/90 points

bobandbill's scores and comments
7/10 Spelling and Grammar
8/10 Characterization, Plot, and Description
7/10 Relevance to Prompt
22/30 Total

Spoiler:

It was a decent entry overall, I felt. The story wasn't very long but you did well to tell a story within that space. You did well in conveying a good amount of emotion in that too - I had a good feeling of the situation and how the child felt.

The second half was probably the better of the two personally - the first did well with setting up the situation, but was perhaps a bit plainly told. The second half had a bit more impact with lines such as what the child said to the baby and the mother's instant reaction to that. It made me want to hope that things would turn out well for the family.

There were a few hiccups with spelling and grammar, but otherwise it was solid. Some of those things:

The room was dark. The moonlight leaked through the beige curtains, its ghostly light outlining the objects of the room. The rectangular photos on the chest of draws, the books under the lamp on the bedside table and two large lumps under the covers of the king sized bed.

Each sentence here started with 'The' which is a bit repetitive, so I would suggest changing one of those. The last sentence here also sounded odd and somewhat incomplete - you listed a few pieces of furniture but it didn't quite link up with the previous sentence, I felt. Also perhaps there was a missed opportunity to slip in say a picture of the dad or Jimmy in here, just for a bonus added detail.

My new pale pink nightie pulled down over my knews to keep my legs warm.

knees.

The moon came out from behind a cloud, highlighting the huge bulge of Mummy's tummy; that not even the thick, winter covers could obscure. The tummy where my new little brother was growing: according to Mummy and step dad.

I'm not sure if the colon was a best option. I think a comma would be better. Also, stepdad can be written as one word.

Now I had a step dad and saw only saw my Daddy every other weekend … and I had a new little brother, but I didn't want him.

I think it would be better if the ellipsis was joined to weekend ('every other weekend... and I had a new'). On that note, I think it was a nice touch that stepdad was uncapitalised while Mummy and Daddy were.

There was also a bit of a spacing issue at the very end - the last two lines didn't have a spaced gap between them but were separate, when I feel that they would have been better as one paragraph. But that is more of a minor presentation issue.

While I can see how it would relate to the plot, I don't feel that it quite made use of the theme as well as other entries, and the story's focus hadn't entirely quite been on the prompt of rivals/rivalry either. A little bit more tweaking might have scored a bit higher from myself in that category. The description was solid throughout, and the characterisation while not overly established I thought suited the story just fine.

Overall a nice entry, and I quite enjoyed it. And you were the first to send in an entry too, so well done there too!

Bay Alexison's scores and comments
Spelling and Grammar - 8
Characterization, Plot, and Description - 8
Relevance to Prompt – 6
TOTAL- 22

Spoiler:

Spelling and Grammar – 8
Grammar mostly fine. There are some semi-colons that could be commas in my opinion.

My Mummy was smiling at me; face once again smooth.

I feel "My Mummy was smiling at me, face once again smooth" flow better.

Characterization, Plot, and Description - 8
Tells narrative in child's voice decently and the emotions are nicely done. The bleak tone of the backstory does give a good idea why the narrator doesn't want the little brother. The ending I feel is justified as often kids will say mean things at first and then apologizing immediately after. Minor problem is the overall plot didn't execute the theme to its fullest (will explain in next section).

Relevance to Prompt – 6
I do enjoy the story, but there seems to be no tension for the rivalry theme. If the narrator feels their mother will have their attention towards the new baby that could work, but the narrator kept saying they wanted Jimmy instead.

Slayr231's scores and comments
Spelling and Grammar - 9
Characterization, Plot, and Description - 9
Relevance to Prompt – 6

TOTAL- 24

Spoiler:

I won't be touching on specific grammar mistakes, as my fellow judges have already done that, but I will be saying overlying statements.

Spelling and Grammar
There were a couple mistakes here and there, but the advantage of having a short story is that there's less room to make little mistakes! It can also be a liability story wise, but I'll get to that later. Like I said, there were a couple mistakes, but nothing consistent, so good job.

Characterization, Plot, and Description
I have to tell you, if we ignore the prompt, this was probably my favorite one. I loved the story. This was one of the shorter entries, and I was a little concerned reading through it, but I thought the length was great for the story. It didn't drag on, and it didn't feel rushed. The little girl was really brought to life for me, and everything just clicked in a nice way. The only critique I have is that the mom acted really calm when she woke up. I would have thought that the mom would have been much more excited and hysteric. But I'm not sure.

Relevance to Prompt
I get where rivalry was supposed to fit in, with Jimmy and the unborn sibling, but it wasn't the main attraction, I feel. It just came across glanced over, and not tailored to the prompt. Great story, but maybe not for this prompt

4th PLACE
Elite Overlord LeSabre™ , Final 'Memory'
71/90 points

bobandbill's scores and comments
9/10 Spelling and Grammar
6/10 Characterization, Plot, and Description
8/10 Relevance to Prompt
23/30 Total

Spoiler:

Firstly:

Please, find the other three I've also issued restraining orders against and serve them with the orders.

'issued () orders against...with the orders' sounded a bit repetitive to me.

Generally a typically sound entry from you spelling/grammar wise, so let's skip that. =p

I hope you don't mind that I make reference to icomeanon6's entry, as you two had a rather similar theme in fact. Both were to at least some degree about how other rivals were better than the offerings by X&Y. Which I'll admit is a view I also share. The reason why his entry for myself scored higher though is that it used the prompt and theme of the story better in telling the story. You described this as an angry rant when you submitted, and it did feel closer to one in parts than a story. Maybe you're fine with that and just used this as an excuse to rant, which is fine and all but I felt that this is something to consider if you wanted to further work on this.

Serena reached into the deep pockets on her red skirt and pulled out a Glock 22 pistol. Pointing the weapon at her adversary, she growled, "How about not? Listen, Shauna, I have had just about all I can take of your bovine excrement, and that's putting it nicely!"

A few parts also just felt exaggerated too much for my liking. Serena pulling out a gun at Shauna may be amusing, but it also seemed a bit too over the top a reaction to her, and an unlikely event as well.

Compare that with Leaf, the legendary trainer from Kanto. I'm sure you've heard stories of her exploits. Her rival constantly battled her nearly every time they met, and he didn't even try to pretend he was friends with her.

And while I know you are a large fan of Leaf, the way you seemed to introduce her into the story like so felt a bit too out of the blue. That somewhat hurt the plot and made it feel more like that rant. How would Serena know how she and her rival battled in frequency and their relationship with each other, after all?

The ending was amusing, although the last line felt a bit of a needless sum-up or explanation of it - it may have been better in fact to have left out the last sentence completely.

In short - I agree with a number of your assertions in this entry, but a bit more work into making it less of a rant and more of a story would have helped.

Bay Alexison's scores and comments
Spelling and Grammar - 10
Characterization, Plot, and Description - 7
Relevance to Prompt – 8
TOTAL- 25

Spoiler:

Spelling and Grammar - 10
Spelling and grammar seems fine, don't see any glaring mistakes.

Characterization, Plot, and Description - 7
Like the focus on the XY rivals for this prompt. You did Serena's frustration with Shauna fairly well and I can see Shauna wanting to see Prism Tower with her. I think Serena pulling out a gun is a bit extreme, but that's probably just me. The lawyer appearing had me chuckled, however. While I like the twist on the end, I'm also left wanting to know a bit more about this "sinister scheme" the rivals are in.

Relevance to Prompt – 8
As I said, your take on the prompt is fairly enjoyable. I do agree thought it is somewhat on the rant side even though you already mentioned it.

Slayr231's scores and comments
Spelling and Grammar - 9
Characterization, Plot, and Description - 6
Relevance to Prompt – 8

TOTAL- 23

Spoiler:

I won't be touching on specific grammar mistakes, as my fellow judges have already done that, but I will be saying overlying statements.

Spelling and Grammar
For the most part, this was really good. The only critique I have is to remember to italicize thoughts. It just helps keep everything organized, and it's a common practice.

Characterization, Plot, and Description
This really didn't work for me. I'm sorry, but I just wasn't sold on it. If you were going for a wacky story with exaggerated details, I don't think it was set up properly. It was too serious for me to be able to pull that off. The ending was a nice twist, and I thought it was a nice addition, but the rest was just a little too much. But seriously, guns?

Relevance to Prompt
Well, you did a nice job of sticking with the prompt. Although, I wasn't quite getting the rivalry vibe as much as I would have liked. I got a psychopath vibe that was a little stronger. But overall, a nice job.

3rd PLACE
solovino, Misaimed for Life
77/90 points

bobandbill's scores and comments
8/10 Spelling and Grammar
9/10 Characterization, Plot, and Description
9/10 Relevance to Prompt
26/30 Total

Spoiler:

I guessed early on that the two people causing a ruckus in the jail were the Magma and Aqua leaders, so I'm glad I got my first guess right, haha.

I thought it was a neat story exploring more on how they developed their rivalry. It might have benefited from some extra scenes showing more of the two teams' past, perhaps (as you hinted you might have written had you had more time), but it was a solid basis all the same. I thought it was neat that you went backwards in time with the scenes as well, and the story was probably better for that choice as well. I quite liked the ending, and was amused that it seemed to all come back to a cup of water and dirt. Na-na-na-na! A nice take on the prompt as well; I think it suited it just fine.

Their characterisations and the description throughout was good; as said, it would have been nice to see a bit more development of the Magma and Aqua's leader rivalries show through how they acted in other scenes. It did have a slightly unfinished feel as-is as we never see how they had failed in the story and ended up together in jail.

Cruces sighs, takes a look at the officer at the other end of the railway he was patrolling, who is also checking his beeper.

I would throw in a 'and' after 'sighs,' there.

One is thin, of angular features and brown-haired, and expresses himself with calm voice and collected gestures as if he was here just doing business.

with 'a' calm voice, imo.

and that is followed by a helping hand to get back to feet instead of of a kicking of a man who is down.

to their feet.

meeting somewhere when clashing over projects, go to Pokémon anf fisticuffs for a while, have a friendly lunch or dinner and go each one's way.

and, rather than anf. Interesting idea there too btw I felt, although I'm not sure how one has friendly lunches after fisticuffs. (Which I might add is a delightful word imo, haha).

It was a relatively normal autumn day for the students of the Mauville Elementary School in their visit to the beach, with the children playing at the yard and the teachers bringing some food for them while they waited for the main event of the day – a couple of caretakers from the nearby preservations were bringing some Pokémon for show.

This really read like a run-on sentence here. I would break it up into two sentences at least (such as around the hyphen), as otherwise it just drags on.

I'll also add that the line about 'fork privileges being revoked' was amusing. =) A neat entry I felt, just lacking a little bit more I felt to really establish the characterisations and rivalry between the two former-leaders imo.

Bay Alexison's scores and comments
Spelling and Grammar - 7
Characterization, Plot, and Description - 8
Relevance to Prompt – 10
TOTAL- 25

Spoiler:

Spelling and Grammar - 7
Spelling and grammar mostly fine, though I notice a couple typos and some tense switching. For instance in the second part:

Magno [S-HIGHLIGHT]sighed[/S-HIGHLIGHT] as he [S-HIGHLIGHT]checked[/S-HIGHLIGHT]his wallet, the rest of his team watching from behind.

"At least those lawyers did not take everything away." He could not help but smile at the situation. "I'm better off fighting you than them."

Aquiles [S-HIGHLIGHT]leans[/S-HIGHLIGHT] back for a moment, allowing himself some relaxation.

"Sighed" and "checked" are past tense while "leans" is present.

The third part I wasn't sure if you're going for present or past tense either. Example:

The shorts kid [S-HIGHLIGHT]looked[/S-HIGHLIGHT] around for a moment and then [S-HIGHLIGHT]smiled[/S-HIGHLIGHT]. He [S-HIGHLIGHT]walked[/S-HIGHLIGHT] ceremoniously towards the castle and [S-HIGHLIGHT]stopped [/S-HIGHLIGHT]besides it, causing the bandana kid to look with interest – and a little concern.

"Well if you can have that cup of water, I'll have... let's see..."

The kid [S-HIGHLIGHT]scouts[/S-HIGHLIGHT] around for a moment...

That part I see mostly past tense while "scouts" is present.

Characterization, Plot, and Description – 7
I love the idea of Maxie and Archie's rivalry going way back and the comedic take on that. I laughed aloud at the "We boosted our savings by ten percent by switching to Treicko" line. While the scenes are fun to read, it would be nice to see how Maxie and Archie ended up in jail.

From your comments in the Get Together thread you have more scenes planned out, so I'm curious about those. Perhaps we might see an expanded—pun not intended—version soon?

Relevance to Prompt – 10
As I said, enjoyed the comedic take on the prompt. Refreshing to see one on Maxie and Archie. It seems unfinished, though, and would like to see this expanded more.

Slayr231's scores and comments
Spelling and Grammar - 8
Characterization, Plot, and Description - 8
Relevance to Prompt – 10

TOTAL- 26

Spoiler:

I won't be touching on specific grammar mistakes, as my fellow judges have already done that, but I will be saying overlying statements.

Spelling and Grammar
There were a few mistakes here and there. More than what I would have liked, but it wasn't too bad. I understand that the time constraint was very hard, and for what time you had to work with, it was good. So, don't feel bad about it.

Characterization, Plot, and Description
I really enjoyed this story. I thought the ending was great, and was pretty funny. One thing I would have liked to see expanded on more was how they got to their current position. I saw you mentioned more scenes, so that could be what's missing. It did feel like parts were missing, so it was noticeable, but it didn't drag the story down that much. A nice job here.

Relevance to Prompt
Really? Do I even have to comment here?

2nd PLACE
Aisu, My Friend, the Sky
80/90 points

bobandbill's scores and comments
8/10 Spelling and Grammar
8/10 Characterization, Plot, and Description
9/10 Relevance to Prompt
25/30 Total

Spoiler:

In-game rivals seemed to be a common theme, and stories about Red and Blue aren't uncommon in general either. I thought it was neat that while you used that you had it set up after the events of the games, well post GSC to boot. The general idea was neat and certainly fitted the prompt well - it summed up Red and Blue quite nicely, I thought, and you established the further history between them to good effect too.

I do have some complaints about how the story turned out. While overall the story was well written, the language just felt overall overdone to my liking - too heavy. Often I felt that you could have toned down some language (some word choices seemed very flowerly). This was not only an occasional issue in the description, but also at times in the dialogue, because I just couldn't imagine people normally talking as they did. An example:

"Being on Mt. Silver for the last seventy years, I've battled almost every Trainer in Kanto and Johto, and though I treasure every battle I have experienced, none had as much value as the final battle between me, Red, and my childhood rival, Blue. The emotions, having been cultivated by years of friendship, were as palpable as the flames of my Charizard. Like that, an indissoluble bond of friendship should have been formed, but you were still set on defeating me, am I right?"

It's partly what is said as well - e.g. expressions like 'The emotions, having been cultivated by years of friendship, were as palpable as the flames of my...' just sounded very odd for anyone to say. Had I been Red I don't feel that I would have waxed so lyrically about it all, throwing in similes for their friendship to his Pokemon's fire. As I said - somewhat overdone for my tastes.

It also seemed a bit too exaggerated that Blue decided to climb Mt Silver after all that time - and Red had stayed there ever since he had become champion for seventy years. I would have been more accepting if the time between this event and the champion battle was far shorter, or Red had been to other places. I also am not convinced that 'little to nobody had word of his old rival' - he was well known by various game canon, and even if this aspect isn't based off of that, then the fact Blue claims to be champion suggests that he would have still been well known. A bit of tweaking here and there on these points would help the believe-ability of the plot.

A few other quotes:

The two had been inseparable since childhood; of course, their camaraderie had shifted to an ardent desire to show-up one another upon the introduction of Professor Oak and his starter Pokémon.

camaraderie may be a very nice word, but it still strikes me as an odd choice for 'friendship'. I'm also unsure if the hyphen in 'show-up' is necessary - it would work fine without imo.

"I'm sorry," Red murmured, wondering how Oak passed without his knowing.

If he was 70 years old then I'm unsure how he seems that surprised that Oak had passed - he was somewhat elderly when Red starts out on his journey after all, so another 70 years on top of that feels excessive to me. Unless he died significantly earlier, which... again strikes me as odd that he didn't hear about it before as well.

Blue's scowl turned into an expression of anger as he snatched a ball from its clasp and threw it in a high arc, calling with renewed vigor "Arcanine, use Wild Charge!"

Maybe a comma before the dialogue would be something to consider.

"I was…afraid," he admitted tentatively.

Space should go after the ellipsis.

Despite my above critique it was a good entry throughout; it just needs some more polishing and perhaps a look at the language used (at least to make myself truly happy - each to their own with writing style, so if you feel it is best then stick to it).

Bay Alexison's scores and comments
Spelling and Grammar - 10
Characterization, Plot, and Description - 8
Relevance to Prompt – 10
TOTAL- 28

Spoiler:

Spelling and Grammar – 10
Spelling and grammar seems fine, don't see any glaring mistakes.

Characterization, Plot, and Description - 8
The interaction between Red and Blue in this piece is wonderful and their battle is very enjoyable. Really like that Blue wins this battle. This feels like a great resolution for the both of them.

A couple minor things. I too am slightly baffled Red didn't know Oak died, considering he's been Champion for seventy years and it's obvious Oak passed about for a while. I'll also have to agree Red staying there for that long is somewhat crazy (I can't imagine living in the mountains that long, haha). Might be more realistic if Blue had visited him much earlier.

Relevance to Prompt – 10
Fits the rivalry theme perfectly being Red and Blue's rivalry is one of the most classic ones in Pokemon.

Slayr231's scores and comments
Spelling and Grammar - 9
Characterization, Plot, and Description - 8
Relevance to Prompt – 10

TOTAL- 27

Spoiler:

I won't be touching on specific grammar mistakes, as my fellow judges have already done that, but I will be saying overlying statements.

Spelling and Grammar
I hardly noticed any mistakes. They were few and far between, so good job on that. I docked off a point and called it good.

Characterization, Plot, and Description
I felt like the story was good, but could have been a bit better. It moved too slowly for my taste, and I would have liked to see more action. Honestly, I skimmed through some parts to get to the action, so that should tell you about the pace. To put it simply, less dialogue, more plot.

Speaking of dialogue, it sounded a bit robotic to me. It was almost natural, but some of your word choices were a bit off-putting. It wasn't bad, but remember that humans aren't roaming dictionaries that always choose the right words. We like to use simple words to get across what we're saying as efficiently as possible. Well, at least more people. There are a few roaming dictionaries out there, but I wasn't convinced that Red and Blue were two of them.

Relevance to Prompt
You got a perfect score for this, so what more can I say?

1st PLACE
icomeanon6, Back in the Day
82/90 points

bobandbill's scores and comments
8/10 Spelling and Grammar
10/10 Characterization, Plot, and Description
10/10 Relevance to Prompt
28/30 Total

Spoiler:

A thoroughly enjoyable entry, helped by the fact that I had already agreed with your sentiments about the 6th gen rivals, haha. (Seriously, I thought RSE were bad, but... well, I guess 6th gen rivals them there! :V) I think you presented them well overall, and made great use of the prompt. There was also some great doses of humour (Lysandre being 'Fashion Hitler' is now canon in my mind, and I really laughed again at Calem's forgetfulness about who Diantha was - although arguably in Gen 1 Lance had even less presence!), and the contrast between the really intense rivalry between Red and Blue and the X&Y 'situation' was well done.

I suppose the manner of introducing Grace and Calem as a baby early on and then having a relatively shorter part at the end could have been done better though. It was slightly easy to forget how the story had started, and perhaps it would have been better to interchange between the two times throughout. Introducing another interaction between Calem and his 'rivals' between Red and Blue's adventures would have been a nice foil to all those intense scenes and further established the point I felt (that, and it's also possibly a case of a missed opportunity given the stuff you could poke fun at). Something to consider anyway.

There were a few typos here and there:

"Calm down, now, please. I've done all I ought to do, and that was to pick up Red and Blue from the day care when I got the call (when I was right in the middle of a critical experiment, I might add).

I think it would be better to avoid brackets in dialogue and just have him say that part as a new sentence ('...got the call. When I was right in the...').

In all my long years, I have never seen two babies who had in for each other like these two have.

had it in for each other, perhaps? Unless 'had in for each other' is an expression in itself I'm not aware of.

It would be just him, his new best friend whom he was about to meet, a bag with one pocket for items, no cell phone (Because what was a cell phone, anyway? Was that even a thing?),

Only since second gen.

The slightest, subtlest glint in Charmander's eye was like a whisper, 'Take me with you!' Red had found his new friend, and without hesitation picked up his ball and let him out.

I think a full stop after the 'you!' would be something to consider ("...like a whisper, 'Take me with you!'. Red had found...") Also, perhaps a 'he' after hesitation could also be added in (and without hesitation he picked up his ball...).

Red returned his soaked, unconscious friend to his Pokéball, and clenched his fists. His eyes started welling up, and his face grew deeply flushed. Nothing was fair about it in the slightest, and he couldn't hold it in. Though he knew it would have no effect on Blue at all, he finally let loose the speech that had been festering in his mind for months.
"Keep laughing, Blue. You just keep laughing. Cause who knows? Maybe you're right. Maybe you will be the next Champion. But you know what? Even if you can beat everyone else in this whole stupid region, you've still got one problem.

Now that we're finished with that little diversion, we can return to our hero Calem. Calem was now effectively the top trainer in Kalos. Challenging the Elite Four and the Champion were the only things required to make it official. His journey hadn't always been easy. Sometimes he was forced down to twenty hyper potions and only 200,000 PokéYen. Some of the wild Pokémon he encountered were too strong to handle by throwing a Quick Ball. Worst of all, his magically fast roller skates only worked on 95% of flat surfaces and not all of the stairs.

Presentation issue with spacing between paragraphs here. Minor though. (Only 200,000 yen!?)

"She had a Gardevoir that mega-evolved. That was almost hard. And also some dinosaurs, and, umm...shoot."

I think you need a space after that ellipsis.

Overall, a great entry, and my favourite this time around from them all. Consider what I said about the structure and how much went into the Red/Blue part against the Calem/X&Y rivals parts, I suppose.

(But most importantly, what is Shellder Test Cricket actually like?)

Bay Alexison's scores and comments
Spelling and Grammar - 10
Characterization, Plot, and Description - 8
Relevance to Prompt – 10
TOTAL - 28

Spoiler:

Spelling and Grammar – 10
Spelling and grammar I don't see any problems there.

Characterization, Plot, and Description – 8
I see you're going for the XY rivals rant like another entry did. I agree Red and Blue's rivalry is more exciting than Calem and Serena's (while I'm at it, I wish X/Y games did much more for Diantha as she seems quite interesting but sadly didn't get involved much :( ). Red's characterization in this piece is good and I like you focused only on a few scenes from the games. You did Blue's personality well too. The battle itself I too like only the more exciting parts of the battle are being described.

A minor problem is it's still essentially a retelling of the Kanto games. I understand you're going for that to compare the rivalries in the original and recent games, but still feels predictable ( I already know Red is going to win). Probably because I still have Pokemon Origins in my mind, lol.

Relevance to Prompt – 10
Even though I nitpick a bit on Red and Blue's part mostly a retelling, it still fits the prompt perfectly. Again, the comparison between Calem/Serena and Red/Blue is a great one.

Slayr231's scores and comments
Spelling and Grammar - 9
Characterization, Plot, and Description - 7
Relevance to Prompt – 10

TOTAL - 26

Spoiler:

I won't be touching on specific grammar mistakes, as my fellow judges have already done that, but I will be saying overlying statements.

Spelling and Grammar
I didn't spot many mistakes. There were a few, naturally, but not any consistent ones, so I knocked off one point and called it good.

Characterization, Plot, and Description
This didn't work out as well as I think it should, for me. Reading the flashback, I completely forgot about the beginning. It wasn't that memorable, and I think the story would have been completely fine if you just dropped the beginning and the end. It was a nice contrast between the two sets of rivals, and I completely agree on what was stated in the book about the champions and such, but it didn't quite work for me. The middle part was really good, and was what made this an enjoyable read, but I'm afraid the other parts weren't so memorable.

Relevance to Prompt
Well, this one was all about rivalry, so what more can I say?

Congrats to icomeanon6 for winning this year's SWC! Also thanks to everyone who participated, very cool to see everyone's different take on the prompt!

 

[icomeanon6]

Hearty congratulations to Aisu, it was really close and you almost made good on your claim from earlier. ;) Hat's off too to solovino for a close 3rd. I'm looking forward to reading your entries!

Big thanks again to the judges. It's great how you all gave such helpful feedback!

I'm going to go post my entry now, which everyone else should do too! (Fan Fiction and Writing section, precede the title with [SWC]!)

EDIT:

Huh, the entry I just posted was my 1000th post!

Also bobandbill, Shellder Test Cricket has even more 0-0 ties than soccer :D

 

[Aisu]

My God, I swear I almost had a heart attack thinking I was in first place. I was looking up the list from seventh and I didn't see my name passing fifth, fourth, and I'm thinking Holy ♥♥♥♥, did I win? Second place though! Iconmeanon, you did good to best me, so congratulations.

 

[icomeanon6]

Iconmeanon, you did good to best me, so congratulations.

Thank you! And that reminds me, I have the results here for the all-time reinterpreting-my-user-name olympics! :D

Spoiler:

Honorable Mention: Bay Alexison, "icomeanon06"

Bronze: Acrutheo, "icemeanon06"

Silver: Astinus, "icemeanom6"

Gold: Aisu, "Iconmeanon"

Well done, sir! Now go post your story!