The Great Escape

[Saltare.]

Okay...I am bored. So I will write this. This is a Scarfshipping(JunxHikarixLucas) and Twileafshipping(JunxHikari) Story. This is sort of following the Platinum storyline so, enjoy!

NOTE: I do not own Pokemon. Nor do I own any pictures used.

The Great Escape

Chapter 1​

Hikari sat curled up under a tree with her Piplup cradled in her arms. She let out a joyful sigh. Finally...some peace and quiet! She though.​

"Hikari! Hikari!" A familiar voice shouted.​

Oh no...Hikari looked down through the town and saw Jun running towards her. She stood up, Piplup jumped out of her arms.​

"Hikari!" Jun shouted. He skidded to a stop in front of her.​

Hikari's eyebrow was raised and her hands were on her hips.​

"Oh...nice to see you, Hikari." Jun said.​

Hikari smiled. "Now, what was all the yelling and running about?"​

"This!" Jun shoved a piece of paper in her face.​

Hikari took the colorful paper out of his hands. She skimmed over it. It was about a traveling festival in Floraroma Town. She looked back at Jun. "So...?"​

"So...! We are gonna head out and follow it!" Jun exclaimed.​

"Why?" Hikari asked.​

"So we can have an adventure! C'mon, it'll be loads of fun!" Jun begged.​

Hikari thought for a minute. She looked at Jun. "Oh, alright."​

Jun grabbed Hikari's hands and started jumping up and down. "Oh, awsome! This will be great!"​

The two of them ran back home to tell their mothers about their journey to follow this festival.​

"A festival?" Hikari's mother asked.​

"Not just a festival, a traveling festival!" Jun corrected.​

"It will travel all around Sinnoh. Please mom, can I go?" Hikari begged, her hands clamped together.​

Their mother's exchanged looks, then turned back to their children. "Alright." They said.​

Hikari and Jun high-fived. "Alright! We are gonna follow the Traveling Festival of Sinnoh!" They shouted excitedly.​

The children ran out of the door and through town.​

"This is going to be so exciting!" Hikari cheered.​

"I know!" Jun replied jumping forward.​

They stopped in Sandgem Town by Prof. Roawn's lab.​

The glass doors slid open and they walked in.​

"Hi guys!" A voice greeted them. It was Lucas.​

"Hey Lucas, wanna come with us to see the festival in Floraroma Town?" Hikari asked.​

Lucas looked at Prof. Rowan. "Can I go Professor?"​

Prof. Rowan nodded. "Alright, you can go."​

Lucas jumped to his feet. "Awsome!" He walked up with Jun and Hikari and they all left.


(I know this is a really short chapter, but I can't sit at the computer and think of more. I will edit on to this when I think of what to write!)​

 

[Hiidora]

I like it, though it is really short~

I really wanna see where this goes. So remember to tell me when you post up the next chapter~
​

 

[Swift!]

I haven't read the chapter yet, but, from just skimming over it, I can see something that kind of erks me.

Lucas, Jun and Hikari. What I see when I look at these names is one English name and two Japanese ones. It's not very consistent.

Why not have, either; Lucas, Damion/Barry & Dawn OR Kouki/Koki, Jun & Hikari?

You don't have to change the names, I just think it would make more sense.

 

[Saltare.]

I didn't know Lucas's Jap. name, that's all.

But thanks! I know it is very short, but I hope the next chapter will pay off when I post it tomorrow!

 

[¡Chucho!]

I'm pretty sure using a picture without knowing the creator is art theft, but let's get to the story.

First of all, do not capitalize the first letter in a dialog tag, and end a spoken sentence with a comma if there is a dialog tag next to it and it would end in a full stop otherwise. That's too wordy for me, but this is what I mean:

"Do you mean words?" he said.
"Yes, words," she said.
"Okay."
"I'm glad you understand!"

"Hikari!" Jun shouted. He skidded to a stop in front of her.

Hikari's eyebrow was raised and her hands were on her hips.

"Oh...nice to see you, Hikari." Jun said.

I don't understand why Jun had such a change in mood when he is talking to the same person and nothing happened yet. Sure, it could be because of the pose, but it changes back again.

This chapter doesn't explain what a traveling festival is. Perhaps you wanted the readers to wonder, and thus keep on reading. However, that probably won't be very effective if you don't give a small hint. I suggest that you quote the poster to give the readers an idea.

I think you should try to add more emotion to this. For example:

Hikari thought for a minute. She looked at Jun. "Oh, alright."

This paragraph says that she's agreeing to come along, but nothing about her attitude about it. She could be glad that her boredom has been broken, only going along because she likes Jun, or actually excited and just faking disinterest to be hard to get.

There's other opportunities, but hopefully you get my point. A person you should really focus on doing that for is Kouki, as he didn't get much screen time for this chapter.

Last of all, could you please stop using Left tags? It makes the story hard to quote, so I can't point out minor spelling errors.

 

[Spectacular Hero]

I liked the idea, but it's a little too short and you need a lot more of desciption and longer paragraphs too.