The Mirror Never Lies

[Ria]

Oh, boy... okay, after lots of thinking, backing out, and... er... breathing into a paper bag, I forced myself to post my ficcy ^^; Yup, I'm a begginer, and it probably kinda sucks right now, but it's so much fun to write, it's just CAN'T be all bad, right?

First thing's first: nothing is mine, except for the plot, the characters, and maybe some of the pokemon's personalities... oh, and the keyboard... the computer is my dad's :embarrass

Anyhoo, a note: (yeah, I hate'em too, but I think this one's kinda neccesary) The region of Rylan in which the plot takes place is made up... er, by me, that is. No character in the fic is named AFTER anyone or anything in particular, I just used the names I like, and if you happen to run across a name you know from wherever, the similarity is cointidential... well, except ONE latter characer which is named after Whoopie Goldberg :embarrass Er... and so, THE FIC:

The Mirror Never Lies


Chapter I: Can you get there on time?


It was a warm mid-spring morning in the Shimmering Forest. The trees were snowy with blossoms, and clad in the new suit of fresh leaves. There was a soft murmur in the deliscious, gentle breeze the region of Rylan was famous for. Fay loved the spring, when everything would come to life after the deep white slumber, but oddly enough, she loved the fall too, when the trees would burn with colour before the snow would cover everything.

To tell the truth, this fifteen year old girl loved everything. She would spend days exploring the bright forest overflowing with life, taking pictures of pokemon so that she could sketch them later. Pokemon meant everything to her, and it was no wonder it was so, when she was the youngest child of the famous Longfellow family. Generations of her ancestors were trainers, explorers, professors, gym leaders, even members of the Elite Four of the Sunrise League.

Strangely enough, Fay never got a pokemon of her own. She took care of those that belonged to her parents, and her brother and sister, so she never felt the need to get one of her own. She enjoyed watching and drawing them all the same. Right now, she was on the trail of a gorgeous Buterfree, the only one in the area, so that she could get a snapshot. Her hazel eyes squinted as she wiggled her nose to stop herself from sneezing. "Note to self," she whispered edgily, "cut bloody hair." Funny how her chestnut hair would pick the most inconvenient moments to turn nasty on her. It tickled her nose, but she couldn't afford any sudden movements. Not when the buterfree was so close. It sat on a tree stump, waving it's gorgeous, huge wings gently back and forth. The tree tops sprinkled just enough sunlight to make the fine wings almost translucent it their beauty. If she could get just a bit closer, Fay could get a once in a lifetime shot.

She crawled through the bushes, ever-so-slowly, inch by inch, getting closer to her goal, but then she came across the one thing that could ruin her chance. A pidgey, slumbering in its nest. The pidgey in Rylan had a peculiar habit of making their nests on the ground, in tall grass and bushes, and they would often startle gullible passersby by shooting out of the grass right in front of them. Fay froze. If she woke it up, it'd cause a hullabaloo and her golden chance would flutter away.

Before she could think of her next step, there was a bloodcurdling roar, and /FRRRR/ out of the bushes an upward rain of pidgies spurred, their little wings making flapping noises as the flock hurried to a safer place. When Fay was able to raise her eyes without fear of dust or tiny feathers falling into them, she saw exactly what she expected to see; nothing. Just an empty tree stump.
"Bloody hell..." she muttered as she sat up on her heels. It wasn't the missed opportunity that bugged her as much as the roar she'd heard. It was an unmistakable dragonite's roar, but this one, in particular, was familar to her. She jumped to her feet, brushed the dirt and leaves from her green, comfy trousers, and straightened her black, sleevless shirt. It wasn't the outfit of the year, but it got the job done on the field. She flinched when she heard the roar again.
"Seraph?" She wondered. It couldn't be, the chances were greater of meeting a wild dragonite in these parts than of it being him. In any case, she figured she'd better make a run for it, so she sprinted towards the source of the sound, her home, the town of Summerlight.

As she ran, her hair dancing after her, a thousand thoughts raced through her mind, and the first one was:"impossible!". How could Seraph be here? And why did he sound so angry? The closer she got to her town, nestled deep in the Shimmering Forest, she encountered more and more pokemon running in the opposite direction, consumed in blind fear. What was going on!? Soon, she started coming across people too, they brushed and clashed against her while trying to get away, but no one would speak to her until, finnaly, she spotted a familiar face.

"Oy! Mr. Archer! Mr. Archer, please, wait! What's going on!?" She shouted. The elderly man stopped in his tracks and gaped at her, his face ashen with fear. He gasped:

"Fay!? What are you... run! Run! They've come for you! It's a conspiracy of the government to..." The girl shook her head impatiently. She knew old mr. Archer wasn't exactly all there, but now the stampedo of screaming people seemed to share his sentiments that they're all in big trouble.

"Mr. Archer, slow down! What are you talking about!?" she had to shout to outloud the people screaming, "Who came? Why is everyone running?" Mr. Archer glanced across his shoulder nervously, as he tried to pull her with him.

"There's no time!" he gasped out, his breathing heavy, "They've got your family, and they'll get you too, if you don't run!" He blurted out, and Fay paled terribly as she stammered:

"M-my... no!" She broke away from her neighbour, and ran as fast as she could toward her house, trying to avoid all the people rushing past her. She had no idea what was going on, but her family was in danger, and she was not going to leave them behind.


To be continued: Fay arrives home, but what does she find there? What is this that fills both people and pokemon with dread? Read in the next chapter:"From The Corner Of Your Eye".

There ya go, the first chapter! I will post the next one on July 19th... er, THIS year :embarrass and that's because this chapter was kinda shortish. Okay, there it is! So, let me have it ^^; I'm a big girl, I can take it ^^; Er... hang on /hides behind a baricade/ 'Kay, like I said, FIRE away! The worst thing you could say is absolutely nothing ^^; If anyone's curious, I'll post some explanation about the region of Rylan, and... I won't babble as much in the next chapter, I promise ^^; Enjoy! (or... er... not... whichever you please ^^; )

 

[Alter Ego]

Before you proceed further, I would like to inform you that I am a relentless nitpicker.

I have been known to write nitpicks twice the length of the piece I read.

Notice the short nature of this post? This means that you have left very few nits for me to pick, which is arguably a good thing.

Nyah, you're really a beginner, then? In that case this is fantastic work. The language is fluent and interesting, there is no chunkiness in the description, and the details you provided worked well to catch my interest. As you admitted yourself, the chapter is a bit on the short side, but the essential elements are there. There is an introduction of the main character and starting point of the story, and it was an enjoable read from the beginning to the end. You also left a couple of things open, which makes me interested in finding out how the events will progress. Well done. ^^ As for babbling...well, it didn't seem like babbling to me at any point, but since I'm a pretty wordy person you might not want to take my word for that. xD Anyways, I wish you continued inspiration for writing the next chapter. If all new writers would put as much effort into it as you have done then I might not have to brave carpal tunnel syndrome every time I comment on a fic (Because I can't help correcting every last bit of grammatical/logical/stylistic error I find <<), which would be nice. ^_^

A tiny nitpick, though, in this part:

The pidgey in Rylan had a peculiar habit of making their nests on the ground, in tall grass and bushes, and they often startled gullible passersby by shooting out of the grass right in front of them.

You forgot to put "startle" into past tense like it should be. =3 Optionally, you could change it to "and they would often startle..." in which case the current form is correct. Whichever.

 

[.-'Infernal Hylian'-.]

i like the line "her golden chance would flutter away." thats a great line. well done.

 

[Ria]

You forgot to put "startle" into past tense like it should be. =3 Optionally, you could change it to "and they would often startle..." in which case the current form is correct. Whichever.

Oh, thank you so much! Seriously, that's EXACTLY the type of stuff I tend to miss :embarrass Thanks for pointing it out, really, it makes all the difference ^^; I'll fix it straight away ^^; And thanks for the kind words too ^^; Whenever you spot something out of place, please let me know right away, it's a big help ^^;

@ ~Tidus~ - Thanks, it really means a lot to get such a nice reaction ^^;

Now... I know I promised I wouldn't babble in the next chapter, but... this isn't the next chapter, so nyah :P

Just a tiny note, the story is done all the way to chapter XIV, and it's coming along nicely. As for the length /points upwards/ that's as short as they'll get, and some are really, REALLY long. Yeah, they vary in size, but I try to limit them to a single event in Fay's life.

About the pause inbetween chapters, I've given it a lot of thought, and, as opposed to posting two chapters when they're short like this one, I've decided to just make the pause between them shorter ^^; The pause will never, EVER be longer than one week, and that's only gonna happen when the next chapter is really, REALLY long... like my rants ^^; I'll always post and respect the date of the next part, so... there ^^; See ya!

 

[Yuki N.]

For being a beginner, this is quite an interesting work. Well developed grammar rather than shallow descriptions. The story progresses pretty well and doesn't drag or go in tangents. Although you might want to patch up a little errors that Alter Ego pointed out, your story is pretty great.

 

[Ria]

@Yuki N. ~ Thanks a lot ^^; Yeah, I fixed the mistake immidiatelly, and I'm really grateful it was pointed out to me ^^; If you ever spot some, er... point away! ^^;

Now, why am I here? O.o Cripes! The next chapter!

Chapter II: From The Corner Of Your Eye

Fay arrived just in time to witness a battle in its full intensity. Her entire family was there, which surprised her, because when she left that morning, what with her dad at his post at the Sunrise league, and her siblings, god knows where, only her mum had been at home. Now, they were all there, her mum - Serene - commanding her pair of ghosts, her dad - Victor - and her sister, Lea, were fighting with their ice pokemon, and her brother - Eru - directed his most powerful, and most prized pokemon; a one-of-a-kind dark green dragonite.

Fay froze in fear for just a moment, but when she took a closer look, it seemed that her family was winning. She'd seen them all win battles too many times not to recognise a triumph when she saw one. They were fighting a foursome of trainers, all dressed in similar clothing. At first she thought they were wearing some sort of uniforms, but it was only similar dress style; black clothes and intimidating, long leather overcoats.

The attackers had foolishly sent a pair of arboks to fight mum's haunters, and now the serpent pokemon were twitching on the ground in a state of shock caused by a double dose of psychic. Dad's walrein and Lea's seleo were practically juggling one of the golbats, and Seraph was having fun, chasing the other one through the air. The man in front had a crobat, but he called him back when one of the golbats got slammed on the ground not few feet from him, without losing his composure for a second. His dark-gray, long hair was flying around him in tiny braids resembling whip cords, while his strong body was inert like a mountain. He didn't seem very worried about losing the battle. Instead, he regarded the family's fighting style with a calculating gaze.

After the last of their pokemon were knocked out, the tall man chuckled:
"Impressive. I see that the Longfellows have well earned their reputation..." Fay's eyes darted to her dad who steped out, and she had to take a step back before she reminded herself that his ire wasn't directed at her. Her dad was usually very calm and patient, but when he got mad, it was as terrifying as it was rare. Seeing him angry at ayone was a blood-curdling expirience in itself, and right now, his dark eyes shone pure fury as he spoke in a low, daunting tone:

"What do you want here?"

The tall man gave him a sardonic look.

"You know very well...," He crooned, "...we know that one of you has found the ancient knowledge...we know that your family hides the Final Achievement."

Fay's eyes widened. The Final Achievement!? But, that was the stuff of fable... a very popular fable, but still, it was just a myth. Her dad frowned:

"The Final-you're insane! There's no such thing!" He snapped, and his hands balled into fists, knuckles turning white. Fay could tell he was losing his temper.

What terrified her, didn't seem to upset the attacker in the slightest. His voice was silky and deep when he spoke.

"Don't lie to me, Victor. We know your family hides the knowledge. If you will not hand it over, then we will simply have to bring you along for... interrogation." He ended the sentence with a smile, as if he'd just invited them all to lunch. Fay threw a disturbed glance toward her dad, but he smiled dryly.

"You seem to be forgetting something," he reminded, "You lost the battle. The entire Longfellow family may be entirely too much for you to handle."

The man said nothing. Instead, he reached into his pocket, and took out an odd pokebal. Fay had never seen one quite like that one before. It seemed to be jagged, and made out of some type of crystal. No, not crystal. something about it screamed luxury, it could even be carved out of a large diamond. Before she had the chance to examine it more carefully, the man threw it. It seemed to spin through the air in slow motion, sunbeams breaking off of it in a wide sphere of rainbow colours, but when it opened, it took less than a fraction of a second for something unlike she'd never seen before to come out.

Everything seemed to still. There was no more wind, the trees stopped murmuring, and the forest gave no further sound. The sky grew darker as well, and it all seemed to emanate from the pokemon the man had released. Fay tried to look at it, eager to see what it was, but the odd thing was, that no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't get her vision to focus on the creature. All she could see was a glimpse of something dark from of the corner of her eye.

An unfamiliar dread began building in her chest, a sense of looming danger that cannot be avoided. For the first time in her life, she felt real, raw fear; fear for her family, fear for the pokemon they were using, for they were family as well. But, above all, it was fear driven by the urge for survival. Without even realising it, she looked away and shut her eyes tightly as she screamed from the bottom of her lungs, and the strangers' attention turned to her. He chuckled:

"Well... the youngest one... we will bring her along as well... she will come in handy in making her family talk."

Her brother stepped up, his hazel eyes, identical to Fay's, filled with rage and dread.

"Don't you dare," he shouted, "Fay, run! We'll hold them back!"

Their attacker smiled:

"I don't think so...," the man tutted, before he waved his hand in Fay's direction, "...my pet, get the little one!" Fay took a terrified step back, as she sensed the dark creature turning on her, but it was impossible to avoid something so horrifying that you couldn't even bring yourself to look at it. There was something that could only be described as a flash of darkness, and then she heard her brother shout:

"Seraph! Take her to the place! Go!" Something powerful swept her up, and everyhting went dark around her. The attacker watched the Dragonite take the girl away, before he shrugged:

"Tch. She was irrelevant at any rate. Now... where were we?"

To be continued: Seraph took Fay away just in time, but to where? Can she find someone strong enough to counter the mysterious creature from the diamond pokeball? Read in the next chapter:"Where Am I?"

Sheesh, another shortie... the next one will be as well, but after that, they go CRAZY! O.o
Okay, the next chapter will come up in two days (since it's... um... degradingly short :tired: ), or, to be more precise, on 21st of July... also this year O.o

 

[Alter Ego]

I swear...these bloody database errors are going to steal my sanity. <<

Anyhow, I noticed that today was the 19th and since you had posted I figured it was a new chapter. Three tries and I finally got here, yay.

Right, moving on to the actual content now...sorry for that useless piece of whining.

Well, it's not quite as good as the first chapter, I'd say. I think the biggest problem is that it's rather lacking in terms of plot content. I mean, there is the whole little showdown with the bad guys and Fay's escape, but that's about it. Maybe you could consider merging it with the following/previous chapter? It's looking kind of unfinished as a standalone. Optionally, you could try adding more depth into the battle to make it more interesting and maybe some emotional feedback from Fay right after the moment she is whisked away to safety while the evil organization of doom is seemingly treathening to torture the rest of her family for information on a dingus of legend. How does she react to such a sudden change of environment (Considering the peaceful and positive note that the story began on)? Try elaborating on it a little. The language isn't quite as interesting as in the previous chapter either, which is a loss since I (and others by the looks of it) enjoyed that aspect. Still, I'm still pretty hopeful about quality picking up again in the next chapter, no worries. ^^

And since you so kindly asked for nitpicks...here goes:

Fay arrived just in time to witness a battle in its full intensity. Her entire family was there, which surprised her, because when she left that morning, only her mum had been home. Dad was at his post at the Sunrise League, and her siblings were who knows where, training their pokemon.

Umm...the time phases kind of seem to be mingling here. The way you put it would imply that Fay's dad is currently (That is, during the battle) at his post at the Sunrise League, and her siblings are who knows where. This is obviously a contradiction since it would leave her mother as the only one fighting on the family's side. It should be something along the lines of:

Fay arrived just in time to witness a battle in its full intensity. Her entire family was there, which surprised her, because when she left that morning, only her mum had been home. Dad had been at his post at the Sunrise League, and her siblings who knows where, training their pokemon.

Do you see what I'm getting at? This part calls for a double past tense since the whole story is a past tense in itself, so we're discussing a past event within a past even and um...I think I confused myself. o_O Oh well, that's how it should be.

Now, they were all there: her mum - Serene - commanding her pair of ghosts, her dad - Victor - and her sister - Lea - were fighting with their ice pokemon, and her brother - Eru - directed his most powerful, and most prized pokemon: a one-of-a-kind dark green dragonite.

The comma is your friend, yes, but as the case is with friends, it doesn't do to call upon them for everything. Since the first comma here is separating two pieces of connected information, a colon is what you should use here. Also, no full stops in the middle of lists. I agree that the sentence is getting comma heavy, but to that end you can use the alternate notation of the '-'s (Can't remember what they're called, but they look like hiphons while still being different). Also, since the names of each family member are kind of side-remarks, you should put either commas or line-thingies (That sounds so unproffessional. <<) on both sides of them to mark their separation from the main event. Also, what ice and ghost pokémon are being used, specifically? This would tie in with my comment about battle details, as personally I'd find the whole scene more interesting if I could at least know what pokémon are fighting and what the match-ups are. Maybe brief glimpses into each individual fight would provide a more fluent way to bring this information out? That way you could avoid this rather clumsy insertion:

They were using golbats and arboks, except for the man in front who had a crobat.

It makes the part look kind of choppy, which is bad since you avoided it so well in the previous chapter. Also, I noticed that Fay's family members don't get as much as a single word of description between them, which is kind of bad since it makes it harder for the reader to feel one way or the other about them, even though it's obvious that they're important to Fay and will probably influence her motives. This being the case, readers should be made to feel at least something for these people as well so that they could better understand and relate to Fay's motives. But of course, if you don't intend for readers to understand Fay/Fay to give a Rattata's arse about her family then pay this comment no mind. xD Also, this could help make the part beginning "And now they were all there..." become more fluent. Instead of just listing the family members, you could kind of describe a small part of the battle for each family member, socketing in a bit of description and maybe some small side-remark about the person in each case. Nyah, it would probably take a bit of work and revising to prevent it from looking monotonous, but I think that it could provide the chapter with some more depth and, at the very least, length, so think about it. ^^ Incidentally, you do realise that this kind of family gathering just happening to occur at the time of an evil organization's sneak attack on the household seems like quite a hefty coincidence, right? Still, you probably have that planned out and will explain it later on, so never mind.

Moving on...

"What do you want here?"

The tall man only smiled "You know very well...," he crooned, "...we know that one of you has found the ancient knowledge...we know that your family hides the Final Achievement."

Ho-hum, the part that goes "The tall man only smiled" should be in connection with the stuff that this man says to prevent confusion as to who has said what. Also, a section within quotation marks counts as the beginning of a sentence, therefore you don't need to capitalize the "he"; only divine beings have their 'He's capitalized in the middle of a sentence. On the other hand, don't begin a quotation without a capital letter, even if it's just continuing on a previous one. Either add the triple dot or capitalize the first letter. Also, no space is required between a triple dot and the first word to follow it.

"The Final-you're insane! There's no such thing!" The man responded slowly, his voice silky and deep.

Just a small note. In speech, the triple dot signifies a slow fade-out such as when the speaker doesn't know what to say next or is purposefully dragging out his/her sentence; if you want to signify an abrupt stop, such as the one here, you should use a "-" instead. Also, no space is required between the punctuation mark and the following word here either. Also, the exclamation mark always siginfies a loud tone of voice, which seems to contradict with the "his voice silky and deep" part. I, at the very least, have never heard anyone who could shout silkily, so either change the description of her dad's voice or the punctuation of his words.

"Don't lie to me, Victor. We know your family hides the knowledge... if you will not hand it over, then we will simply have to bring you along for... interrogation." Fay's dad gave a dry smile:

Once again, the last bit should be moved down to the next paragraph to prevent confusion.

"Well... the youngest one... we will bring her along as well... she will come in handy in making her family talk." Her brother stepped up, his hazel eyes, identical to Fay's, filled with rage and dread.

See the above comment. This one in particular seems to be placing some rather strange words into the mouth of Fay's brother. o.o

"Don't you dare!" he shouted, "Fay, run! We'll hold them back!" Their attacker smiled,

I've covered these as well, uncapitalize the 'he' and move the last bit to the next paragraph. Also, replace the colon with a comma.

"I don't think so... my pet, get the little one!" Fay took a terrified step back, as she sensed the dark creature turning on her, but it was impossible to avoid something so horrifying that you couldn't even bring yourself to look at it. There was something that could only be described as a flash of darkness, and then she heard her brother shout:

Ho-hum, you might want to put something along the lines of "the man said" between "I don't think so..." and the rest of the quote so as to make it perfectly clear who's doing the talking. At any rate, the comma after "Fay took a terrified step back" is redundant since the stuff after it is directly related to that before, so remove the comma.

"Seraph! Take her to the place! Go!" Something powerful swept her up, and everyhting went dark around her. The attacker watched the Dragonite take the girl away, before he shrugged,

Here, too, you might want to move the bit concerning the attacker to the next paragraph. If you do, the colon should once again be replaced with a comma.


And that's just about it, I think. It's a little longer than last time...eh...okay, it's a lot longer than last time, but don't let it discourage you (I'm pretty sure it won't, but just in case. ^^); most of the stuff is simple grammar and plenty of the quotes are just repeats of the same mistake. You're still doing good and I'm looking forward to the next chapter, just wanted to give all the help I could to make it even better. =D

 

[Ria]

...

EEEP /faints/

Hehe, just kidding ;) That was AWESOME! ^^;

I won't lie and say "Oh, gosh, I knew all that but they were just typos." /lilangel/ Because I didn't, though I did have a "sheesh, what was I thinking" moment or two while reading your post. ;) Er... not about the nitpicking, but some of the stupidities I wrote XD.

And since you so kindly asked for nitpicks...here goes:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ria
Fay arrived just in time to witness a battle in its full intensity. Her entire family was there, which surprised her, because when she left that morning, only her mum had been home. Dad was at his post at the Sunrise League, and her siblings were who knows where, training their pokemon.



Umm...the time phases kind of seem to be mingling here. The way you put it would imply that Fay's dad is currently (That is, during the battle) at his post at the Sunrise League, and her siblings are who knows where. This is obviously a contradiction since it would leave her mother as the only one fighting on the family's side. It should be something along the lines of:


Quote:
Originally Posted by Example
Fay arrived just in time to witness a battle in its full intensity. Her entire family was there, which surprised her, because when she left that morning, only her mum had been home. Dad had been at his post at the Sunrise League, and her siblings who knows where, training their pokemon.



Do you see what I'm getting at? This part calls for a double past tense since the whole story is a past tense in itself, so we're discussing a past event within a past even and um...I think I confused myself. o_O Oh well, that's how it should be.

You're right about the tenses, of course, and I kinda do find that area of the grammar a problem :embarrass (someone should jump out and scream "well, DUH" at me right about now :embarrass ) Still, two past perfect tenses so close by don't seem too happy, so I kinda tried an alternative solution /points up shyly/

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ria
Now, they were all there: her mum - Serene - commanding her pair of ghosts, her dad - Victor - and her sister - Lea - were fighting with their ice pokemon, and her brother - Eru - directed his most powerful, and most prized pokemon: a one-of-a-kind dark green dragonite.


The comma is your friend, yes, but as the case is with friends, it doesn't do to call upon them for everything. Since the first comma here is separating two pieces of connected information, a colon is what you should use here. Also, no full stops in the middle of lists. I agree that the sentence is getting comma heavy, but to that end you can use the alternate notation of the '-'s (Can't remember what they're called, but they look like hiphons while still being different). Also, since the names of each family member are kind of side-remarks, you should put either commas or line-thingies (That sounds so unproffessional. <<) on both sides of them to mark their separation from the main event. Also, what ice and ghost pokémon are being used, specifically?

Good point, well made, guilty as charged. I tend to neglect my colons because I used to use them instead quotation marks (it was a phase, I'm over it :embarrass ). I'll try to look out for things like that in the future ;)

This would tie in with my comment about battle details, as personally I'd find the whole scene more interesting if I could at least know what pokémon are fighting and what the match-ups are. Maybe brief glimpses into each individual fight would provide a more fluent way to bring this information out?

Battle description added ^^; Eh... I tend to type out vast quantities of text in a single day, but when I look back I just find it deprived of description O.o No wonder my chapters come out short O.o I wonder if there's a pomade against that O.o

Incidentally, you do realise that this kind of family gathering just happening to occur at the time of an evil organization's sneak attack on the household seems like quite a hefty coincidence, right? Still, you probably have that planned out and will explain it later on, so never mind.

Aha! Therein lies the game... er... sowwy :embarrass Yeah, it does get explained later, in fact its quite an important part of the plot, but shhh! :paranoid:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ria
"What do you want here?"

The tall man only smiled "You know very well...," he crooned, "...we know that one of you has found the ancient knowledge...we know that your family hides the Final Achievement."


Ho-hum, the part that goes "The tall man only smiled" should be in connection with the stuff that this man says to prevent confusion as to who has said what. Also, a section within quotation marks counts as the beginning of a sentence, therefore you don't need to capitalize the "he"; only divine beings have their 'He's capitalized in the middle of a sentence. On the other hand, don't begin a quotation without a capital letter, even if it's just continuing on a previous one. Either add the triple dot or capitalize the first letter. Also, no space is required between a triple dot and the first word to follow it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ria
"The Final-you're insane! There's no such thing!" The man responded slowly, his voice silky and deep.


Just a small note. In speech, the triple dot signifies a slow fade-out such as when the speaker doesn't know what to say next or is purposefully dragging out his/her sentence; if you want to signify an abrupt stop, such as the one here, you should use a "-" instead. Also, no space is required between the punctuation mark and the following word here either. Also, the exclamation mark always siginfies a loud tone of voice, which seems to contradict with the "his voice silky and deep" part. I, at the very least, have never heard anyone who could shout silkily, so either change the description of her dad's voice or the punctuation of his words.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ria
"Don't lie to me, Victor. We know your family hides the knowledge... if you will not hand it over, then we will simply have to bring you along for... interrogation." Fay's dad gave a dry smile:


Once again, the last bit should be moved down to the next paragraph to prevent confusion.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ria
"Well... the youngest one... we will bring her along as well... she will come in handy in making her family talk." Her brother stepped up, his hazel eyes, identical to Fay's, filled with rage and dread.

See the above comment. This one in particular seems to be placing some rather strange words into the mouth of Fay's brother. o.o

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ria
"Don't you dare!" he shouted, "Fay, run! We'll hold them back!" Their attacker smiled,


I've covered these as well, uncapitalize the 'he' and move the last bit to the next paragraph. Also, replace the colon with a comma.

Eh... forgive the clumsy quoting :( Yeah, I see what you mean, and I could have avoided that whole "who-said-what" thing if I'd only revised this chapter as carefully as I did the first one :( All I can say is that I'm sorry for getting cocky :embarrass I can't wait to fix the impression, though :D

Phew! That was long, but incredibly helpful! You're a real tresure, you know that? ;) I won't let the next chapter be as bad as this one, and I'll definitely go back and modify this one some more as soon as I post the next one... O.o ... Er... well, you get the picture anyway. Thanks again, I really appreciate the trouble you went through to point all that out for me.

Oh, btw, I found one you missed :p I typed "misterious" instead of "mysterious" :p

 

[Ria]

Neither rain, nor snow... nor a lousy dial-up connection shall... ah, you get the picture :tired: In any case, we have something that appears to be a four pages long talkie-talk O.o I'm not sure how that happened, but I can tell you this much: don't mix milk and carrot juice O.o It's deliscious, but deadly O.o Back to the ridiculously long convo chapter;

Chapter III: Where Am I?


Fay woke up in a strange place. Life seemed to flow around her again, and soft chipper of various bird pokemon tickled her ears. Where was she? She sat up and realised that she was lying on a comfy hammoc in a bright, cheery garden. There was a pair of slender willow trees at the very gatepost, leaning towards each-other, some of their branches interwining, some just swaying in the gentle breeze. The hammoc she was on was attached to a pair of weeping willows, right next to the white fence. Honeysuckle vines hugged the entire picket fence, decorating it with sweet smelling blossoms.

A soft purr caught Fay's attention so she glanced to her left, and met a large pair of obsidian, slightly sad eyes. She smiled a bit:

"Hi, Seraph." she said softly, "Where have you brought me?"

An unfamiliar voice startled her:

"To my place, of course."

The tone wasn't threatening, and the words were as agreeable as they could be, but Fay jumped off of the hammoc as if someone had shouted at her, and whipped around to face the stranger:

"W-who are you!?" she gasped out, but where she was ready to meet hostility, she was confronted by a pair of warm, cobalt eyes.

The person who spoke to her was a tallish woman in a wrinkled, white coat, and she didn't seem threatening at all. Actually, between her slightly shabby, ill-matched clothing, auburne hair poking out at odd angles, and a tray with a jug of lemonade she was holding, she seemed quite harmless. The contrast between her and the place Fay'd just fled was so striking, the girl just stared at her, completely speechless. The young woman smiled a big, friendly smile and placed the tray on the pearly white garden table next to one of the weeping willows.

"Sorry if I startled you," she said "I know you've had a bad day so far, but you don't have to be afraid of me. I'm professor Willow. I don't know if your brother mentioned me, with all that's been going on, but we're good friends... er... not what you'd call oldtime, but still... er... Are you okay?"

Fay relaxed a bit. She was being too jumpy, she realised. After all, Eru was the one who had ordered Seraph to bring her here, and he'd never send her to someone who wasn't trustworthy. She decided to give the woman a chance, so she threw her a rueful look.

"Sorry about that." she sighed, "I-I'm Fay."

The woman nodded, tossing her red hair back, but it just popped to the same place again, like a bunch of copper springs.

"Yes, I know." she smiled gently as she said that, her straight, large teeth making her smile friendly and wide "Your brother and I met about two years ago, so somewhere along the line I got to see some family pictures." She thrust both her hands in her pocket and gave a small shrug, which somehow made her seem much younger.

Fay suddenly remembered the trail of events that brought her here, and felt alarm rise up inside her again.

"I'm sorry, but there's no time for this!" she said suddenly, her face paling at the memory, "Something has happened to my family... some people came and-and they had this really creepy pokemon, and they said that they'll do something horrible, if we didn't give them the Final Accomplishment, but we don't have it! We-we can't have it... "

Professor Willow sighed softly. Her smile had died, and with a graceful move of her arm, she poured some icy lemonade into one of the glasses. The ice crackled as the liquid swallowed it.

"Calm down, Fay." Willow said gently, but the girl wasn't paying her any attention.

"What time is it!?" she asked anxiously, "I've got to go back! I-I've got to make sure they're alright!" She stared at the professor pleadingly, but the young woman just shook her head sadly.

"I'm afraid you can't, Fay." she said softly, "Summerlight has been completely wiped out from the PokeNav network about two hours after Seraph had brought you. There's been no word since, so I can only assume..." she trailed off when Fay stared up at her, her amber eyes wide with shock.

"B-but...they fought together," she stammered, "All of them...how could they lose?"

Willow nodded soberly.

"How, indeed." she confirmed. "We are dealing with something more than serious, Fay."

Fay smoothed her restless hair from her forehead.

"Eru knew...," she said suddenly, "... he knew that even Seraph couldn't help him beat that-that thing. That's why he sent him away."

Willow shook her head and handed her the lemonade as she replied:

"It's true that your brother has suspected something like this might happen for a while now. That's why he paid me a visit not more then a year ago." she scratched her chin pensively, as though she was estimating how much to reveal, before she spoke on carefully "He had come to ask me for help, but he was very vague about the details."

Fay took a sip of the cool drink, and realised just how thirsty she was. After she downed half of the glass, she asked:

"What did he ask you to do? He never told us anything."

Willow shrugged:

"Well, maybe he didn't tell you, because you are not even a trainer yet."

Fay's face turned sour at that.

"Argh, what's with everyone and that whole 'trainer' buisiness?" she snapped indignantly, "What, am I less intelligent if I don't have a pokemon to boss around?"

Willow sighed patiently.

"Or, it might have been any other reason," she added dryly "If it's any consolation, I don't think that your parents knew either. Eru implied several times that he hasn't trusted anyone with whatever it is he's found. In any case, he said that if he was ever in danger, he would send over Seraph with something of great importance, for me to guard."

Fay tilted her head, as she always would when she was confused:

"But... what was it he wanted you to keep?" she asked, "And why did he think he'd be in danger? I mean... he doesn't actually have the Final Accomplishment, or whatever, does he?"

Willow shrugged pensively:

"To tell you the truth...," she said reflectively, "I don't know. Not that I'm not curious, mind you, but you know how Eru can get." She grinned again, but it seemed strained.

Fay felt the need to exchange dubious glances with someone equally confused as she was right now. She also felt like she was expected to comment on the last statement.

"Nuh-um." she said politely. She was begining to get a vague impression that the overly cheery, ginger haired woman she was talking to was going out of her way to make herself seem friendly. Fay decided to try and speed things up a bit.

"So... why did he think he was in danger?" she inquired carefully. Willow seemed to snap out of reminiscence.

"Oh, sorry," she said ruefully, "yes, well, he told me that, over the past year, he's been challenged by many strong trainers, all similarly dressed, and with similar pokemon teams. They seemed to want something of his, so he assumed they were all working together. I can't say I wasn't worried, I even advised him to report this to Victor, but he said it would involve a lot of explaining he just wasn't ready for."

"Are you kidding me?" Fay groaned, "That's great! That's just like him. I don't suppose he did send over something important?"

"Willow shrugged.

"Er... his little sister?" she said pointedly. Then, she winced, apparently remembering something else.

"Oh, and this..." she produced something shiny from her pocket and showed it to Fay, "...does it look familiar? Seraph had it around his neck."

Fay glanced at the tiny, silver locket hanging from a fine chain of equal material and shook her head:

"Oh, that's just one of Eru's trinkets." she said dismissively, "He's always bringing loads of the stuff home and putting it on his pokemon."

The professor seemed a bit disappointed:

"I see..." she sighed, "Well, you'd better keep this, then. In any case, your family aren't the only ones who have been attacked. All over Rylan, strong trainers are being assaulted, and not just those on their pokemon journeys, but also Gym leaders being kicked out of their Gyms, former champions getting abducted. And all this done by the same people... apparently, they have something powerful which helps them win battles..." Fay glared up at her.

"How do you know all this!?" she snapped edgily. Willow winked at her slyly, and snickered.

"I have my sources." she said smugly, "One of your neighbours has been kind enough to inform the League of the events in Summerlight.

Fay stared at her.

"Mr. Archer!?" she asked incredulously. "But... he's nuts!"

Willow sniggered.

"Not as much as he'd have you think." she said conspiratorly, "He's a League veteran, and an old friend of your father's. Even though he's retired now, he knows what to do in such situations."

Fay felt her temper flare up inside her.

"Well, why didn't he help stop those thugs!?" she snapped, "Someone has to stop them! Someone has to rescue my family! What are the rest of the Elite Four doing!? I..." She trailed off for a second, as if pondering something, and then she sighed jadedly and concluded:

"I guess I'll need a pokemon of my own..."

To be continued: Fay has reached a decision. She will become a trainer to help her family. But where will she get a pokemon? And which one? Why is the area she is in special to her brother? How will she react to a special delivery? Read in the next chapter:"A New Friend And A Red Wax Seal"


And ahum... yah :embarrass I mean, I know that someone who wakes up in a strage place would have lots of questions to ask but, ooooh boy :nervous: This wasn't a forced chapter by any means, it just kinda... er... came out that way. There was no way around it, I guess... at least, I didn't see one. I'm done with the entire plot, and this is a part of it, so... yeah. O.o

Anyhoo, since the plot hasn't really progressed much, apart from getting a bit of answers, and Fay's descision to get a pokie, I'll post the next chapter on 23rd of July AKA, this sunday.

 

[Alter Ego]

Still, two past perfect tenses so close by don't seem too happy, so I kinda tried an alternative solution /points up shyly/

So I see, and that solution works well. ^^ In fact, it's always better if you can find an own solution to the problems pointed out, because that way you can conserve your own style of writing throughout the fic rather than creating the confusing picture of two different styles mingling (I've seen that a couple of times, and it doesn't look too good.).

Phew! That was long, but incredibly helpful! You're a real tresure, you know that? ;) I won't let the next chapter be as bad as this one, and I'll definitely go back and modify this one some more as soon as I post the next one... O.o ... Er... well, you get the picture anyway. Thanks again, I really appreciate the trouble you went through to point all that out for me.

You're welcome. ^^ It's always a pleasure to work with someone who actually bothers to read what I write. Most people go like "OMG, long. xD", skim a part of it and don't fix a thing. Well, that's the impression I get from them, anyway. <<

Also, the battle scene looks more interesting now, as does the previous chapter as a whole (Well, of course I would say that since the changes were my suggestion. xD). Good job.

Oh, btw, I found one you missed :p I typed "misterious" instead of "mysterious" :p

Nyah, really? Would you believe I left that error there on purpose just to check your alertness? No...I figured you wouldn't. Good on you for finding it. ^^

Also...did you say milk...and carrot juice? o.o Hear hear, those two do taste good together, and carrot juice is great for inspiration. *Nods* But they're dangerous, you say? Well, I guess that's just a risk I'll have to take. xD

Anyways, on to the next chapter...for where there is a new chapter there must be a new review. ^^

True, this chapter is...rather conversation-heavy. xD But that being said, it was a pretty enjoyable read and sets up the stage quite nicely. Nyah, I knew that there was something off about the strange old man...well, more like guessed that there would be, but anyway...it's a nice little detail and covers something which would otherwise be a plot hole (Mainly, how proffessor Willow actually got to know all that stuff).

The hammoc she was on, was attached to a pair of weeping willows, right next to the white fence.

The comma after "she was on" should go as the parts on both sides of it are both parts of the same piece of information and as such should be presented together.

"Hi, Seraph." she said softly, "Where have you brought me?"

Nyah, put a full stop rather than a comma at the end of the first part of the quotation (Whoa, lots of definite articles in my sentence. xD) and the second part of the quotation should start with a capital letter. Basically the same stuff I said last time, so I'll assume that it was just an oversight on your part. ^^

"I'm sorry, but there's no time for this!" she said suddenly, her face paling at the memory, "Something has happened to my family... some people came and-and they had this really creepy pokemon, and they said that they'll do something horrible, if we didn't give them the Final Accomplishment, but we don't have it! We-we can't have it... "

Two little things...first, you misspelled "paling" (It could be a slip-up, but I'm not going to let another misspelling evade my notice. Reviewer's honor. xD) and second, the comma after "they'll do something horrible" shouldn't be there.

"I'm afraid you can't, Fay." she said softly, "Summerlight was completely wiped out from the PokeNav network about two hours after Seraph had brought you. There's been no word since, so I can only assume..." she trailed off when Fay stared up at her, her amber eyes wide with shock.

A small correction. "Has been" implies a past action is still continuing. However, the town was only wiped out once (About two hours after Seraph arrived) and the wiping out has already been finished so the action is finished and thus requires a 'was'.

"B-but...they fought together," she stammered, "All of them...how could they lose?"

No empty space is required after the triple dot. Also, it does not function as a full stop so the "they" should not have its first letter capitalized.

"Willow shrugged.

There's a stray quotation mark here. Please give it a good home, preferably somewhere else. xD

"Er... his little sister?" she said pointedly. Then, she winced, apparently remembering something else.

The comma after "Then" is redundant. Not much else to say.

"He's always bringing loads of them home and putting them on his pokemon."

The locket is only one trinket, but the sentence is referring to the trinkets, therefore it should be in plural rather than singular. Replace the 'it's with 'them' and you'll be fine. ^^

"How do you know all this!?" she snapped irately. Willow winked at her slyly, and snickered.

Umm...are you sure you aren't getting your adjectives mixed up? Irrate is a synonym for irrational, but since Fay is snapping here I assume you were aiming for irritable? o.o If you weren't then I apologize for my ignorance.

Fay felt her temper flare up inside her.

Strangely enough, things are always required to 'flare up' rather than just flare in general. Tis' a bit like whelming, you can be overwhelmed and you can be underwhelmed but you can never be just whelmed. Don't ask me why, that's just how this language works. o.o

"Well, why didn't he help stop those thugs!?" she snapped, "Someone has to stop them! Someone has to rescue my family! What are the rest of the Elite Four doing!? I..." She trailed off for a second, as if pondering something, and then she sighed jadedly and concluded:

Nyah, 'sec' is a slang expression. It's acceptable in dialogue and with some intrusive narrators, but in this case I think the prim and proper term 'second' is what is called for.


And that would be all I've found thus far. Pretty standard stuff with a couple of oversights, so nothing major. Keep up the good work. ^_^

 

[Ria]

So I see, and that solution works well. ^^ In fact, it's always better if you can find an own solution to the problems pointed out, because that way you can conserve your own style of writing throughout the fic rather than creating the confusing picture of two different styles mingling (I've seen that a couple of times, and it doesn't look two good.).

Aw thanks ^^; Two 'hads' together really wouldn't looke two good, would they now ;) (sowwy! I couldn't help it! I'm eeevil! Bad Ria, bad! /slaps own hand/ )

You're welcome. ^^ It's always a pleasure to work with someone who actually bothers to read what I write. Most people go like "OMG, long. xD", skim a part of it and don't fix a thing. Well, that's the impression I get from them, anyway. <<

Also, the battle scene looks more interesting now, as does the previous chapter as a whole (Well, of course I would say that since the changes were my suggestion. xD). Good job.

Hehe, well, come on, you really put lots of effort into this, I can tell. The least I can do is say thanks ^^;

Nyah, really? Would you believe I left that error there on purpose just to check your alertness? No...I figured you wouldn't. Good on you for finding it. ^^

Also...did you say milk...and carrot juice? o.o Hear hear, those two do taste good together, and carrot juice is great for inspiration. *Nods* But they're dangerous, you say? Well, I guess that's just a risk I'll have to take. xD

Nooooo! Well... okay, if you insist :P Bottoms up ;)

Anyways, on to the next chapter...for where there is a new chapter there must be a new review. ^^

True, this chapter is...rather conversation-heavy. xD But that being said, it was a pretty enjoyable read and sets up the stage quite nicely. Nyah, I knew that there was something off about the strange old man...well, more like guessed that there would be, but anyway...it's a nice little detail and covers something which would otherwise be a plot hole (Mainly, how proffessor Willow actually got to know all that stuff).

Merci ^^; Actually, you ought to get the cuddos for that one too ^^; I was going to post this chapter as it was (in its two-page version O.o) but then I went back to it and did some heavy duty streching... and then I fixed the story ^^;

The comma after "she was on" should go as the parts on both sides of it are both parts of the same piece of information and as such should be presented together.

Right again! ^^;

Nyah, put a full stop rather than a comma at the end of the first part of the quotation (Whoa, lots of definite articles in my sentence. xD) and the second part of the quotation should start with a capital letter. Basically the same stuff I said last time, so I'll assume that it was just an oversight on your part. ^^

You're too kind ^^; It was a remainer from the old version which I oversaw... /rushes to fix/

"I'm sorry, but there's no time for this!" she said suddenly, her face paling at the memory, "Something has happened to my family... some people came and-and they had this really creepy pokemon, and they said that they'll do something horrible, if we didn't give them the Final Accomplishment, but we don't have it! We-we can't have it... "

Two little things...first, you misspelled "paling" (It could be a slip-up, but I'm not going to let another misspelling evade my notice. Reviewer's honor. xD) and second, the comma after "they'll do something horrible" shouldn't be there.

Aw rats... no wonder the dictations are my weakest marks O.o /backspace to the rescue!/

A small correction. "Has been" implies a past action is still continuing. However, the town was only wiped out once (About two hours after Seraph arrived) and the wiping out has already been finished so the action is finished and thus requires a 'was'.

Um... geez... I actually think that one is correct. You see, it's not past perfect continuos, it's past perfect passive. So, it doesn't imply a progressive action which began in the past and is in progress in the present, but rather an action commited in the past which has consequences in the present... I *think* O.o But I promise I'll check and fix it with a full apology if I was wrong... knowing me, I probably am :embarrass

No empty space is required after the triple dot. Also, it does not function as a full stop so the "they" should not have its first letter capitalized.

Nyhm, right again ^^; /whooosh!/ <- that's the sound of me correcting a mistake ^^;

There's a stray quotation mark here. Please give it a good home, preferably somewhere else. xD

Where did that little guy come from? O.o

The comma after "Then" is redundant. Not much else to say.

Roger! I mean... I know your name is probably not Roger, but ya know in the movies... er... nevermind :embarrass

The locket is only one trinket, but the sentence is referring to the trinkets, therefore it should be in plural rather than singular. Replace the 'it's with 'them' and you'll be fine. ^^

Hmm that ain't right... ah, I know, I meant lots of "it", as in lots of "the stuff", but I didn't write it. Sheesh, stupid lack of contentration...

Umm...are you sure you aren't getting your adjectives mixed up? Irrate is a synonym for irrational, but since Fay is snapping here I assume you were aiming for irritable? o.o If you weren't then I apologize for my ignorance.

Is it? I thought I'd looked it up, but I guess I'll do it again ^^; But, they're similar so I might as well have mixed them up :embarrass I wouldn't put it past me do do something like that ^^;

Strangely enough, things are always required to 'flare up' rather than just flare in general. Tis' a bit like whelming, you can be overwhelmed and you can be underwhelmed but you can never be just whelmed. Don't ask me why, that's just how this language works. o.o

Hehe, good explanation, I'll remeber that one ^^; Thanks, I'll fix it... er, I mean: /wooosh/

Nyah, 'sec' is a slang expression. It's acceptable in dialogue and with some intrusive narrators, but in this case I think the prim and proper term 'second' is what is called for.

Yip. /ish ashamed/ That kinda found its way in there through my own speech ^^; I know colloquial expressions are best avoided in third person narration ^^; Thanks, I'll hop to it!


Alrighty, then! On to the fixing! The fixing which ought to be quick and painless, but which horrible dial-up connection and my own impatience which often results in my clicking the same link hundreds of times per second causes major messing up and double posting...

Oh, well... :nervous:

 

[Alter Ego]

Aw thanks ^^; Two 'hads' together really wouldn't looke two good, would they now (sowwy! I couldn't help it! I'm eeevil! Bad Ria, bad! /slaps own hand/ )

Aww, you caught that typo before I could fix it. Now why did I get the feeling you would? xD Nope, don't have a clue about what I was thinking when I let that pass, but I have my revenge! Mwahahahahaaa!

I'll remeber that one ^^

See? *Points* You misspelled "remember", so I win! Ne-neer! =P

...

Right, that was very childish and rather spammy of me. Sowwee...now that we've had our respective fault-finding moments, let's move on. ^^

Nooooo! Well... okay, if you insist Bottoms up ;)

And cheers for that. ^_^ *Swigs down a bottle of carrot juice followed by a glass of milk* Gots to save on the milk since there won't be more coming into this household until Monday.

Um... geez... I actually think that one is correct. You see, it's not past perfect continuos, it's past perfect passive. So, it doesn't imply a progressive action which began in the past and is in progress in the present, but rather an action commited in the past which has consequences in the present... I *think* O.o But I promise I'll check and fix it with a full apology if I was wrong... knowing me, I probably am

Well since you put it all posh-like with past perfect passive and all, maybe you are right. Unfortunately, I can't always identify the less common tenses, so I might have mistaken it for a fault. o.O Oh well, checking it is probably the best in this case, something about it just sounded...off, but like I said, I could be wrong.

Is it? I thought I'd looked it up, but I guess I'll do it again ^^; But, they're similar so I might as well have mixed them up I wouldn't put it past me do do something like that ^^;

This one, on the other hand, I am completely certain of. You see, there's this one character I've roleplayed around here for quite a while now and he's more or less grouchy 24/7 so I've come to use 'irritable'...a lot. Plus, I looked it up too and I'm positive that irrate = irrational, but if this is a matter of honor for you then we may settle this by a duel. *Prepares to draw dictionary* What's it gonna' be? xD

Yip. /ish ashamed/ That kinda found its way in there through my own speech ^^; I know colloquial expressions are best avoided in third person narration ^^; Thanks, I'll hop to it!

Nyah, I just realized...I used a colloquial expression to warn you against the use of colloquial expressions. Ahh...the irony. xD

Anyhow, I'll be back for the next chapter. In the mean time, don't put all of the blame om your connection, PC has been seriously screwy lately. << This I know because my connection is supposed to be top-notch yet fails four out of five times. ~_~

 

[Ria]

Sheesh, when does this thread break into the second page? I had to scroll down, and down and down, and... oh, I'm here ^^;

Well since you put it all posh-like with past perfect passive and all, maybe you are right. Unfortunately, I can't always identify the less common tenses, so I might have mistaken it for a fault. o.O Oh well, checking it is probably the best in this case, something about it just sounded...off, but like I said, I could be wrong.

Sigh, I tried looking it up, but grammar books can be so vague about these things :( I guess you'll have to wait until I can find, corner and tackle my English teacher before he has the chance to run away screaming from me O.o (I tend to ask lots of silly questions XD )

This one, on the other hand, I am completely certain of. You see, there's this one character I've roleplayed around here for quite a while now and he's more or less grouchy 24/7 so I've come to use 'irritable'...a lot. Plus, I looked it up too and I'm positive that irrate = irrational, but if this is a matter of honor for you then we may settle this by a duel. *Prepares to draw dictionary* What's it gonna' be? xD

No need to get ugly! ^^; I kinda already looked it up, and accordong to CALD (Cambridge Advanced Learner's Dictionary) the word 'irrate' does mean 'very angry'... however, it also says that the word 'irrately' kinda...sorta...doesn't exist, so a third solution is in order /scrams/

Alrighty! Next chappy! (I've split this one two ways so that people don't get driven into maddnes by the sheer lenght of it...it can happen :P )

Chapter IV: A New Friend And A Red Wax Seal


The professor actually laughed out loud:

"Oh, Fay, there's nothing you can do by yourself..."

The girl glared at her. Kind intentions aside, this overly cheery woman was starting to get on her nerves.

"I know a lot about pokemon, you know." Fay grit out resentfully, "Whenever Eru would find out something new, he'd tell me first. I know all about how to raise them, and take care of them...in fact, I probably know more than any beginner ever could. I'm not stupid, you know."

Willow put her hands up defensively.

"No, you most certainly are not." she said, somehow accomplishing a whole new level of annoying cheerfulness, "You are a very clever young lady, but don't assume you know everything. Especially in Rylan, where usual pokemon rules rarely apply." She seemed to ponder on something for a bit, before she concluded:
"You do need a pokemon for protection, though..." she mused, "...these are dangerous times, and no one should be without one. Hang on while I get my pokeballs and we'll go to the forest so that you can catch one."

Fay sighed jadedly:

"I don't have time to train one now! Why don't I just bring Seraph? I'm sure he'll listen to me if he knows I'm trying to save Eru."

Willow gave her a patient look, and slowly explained:

"No, Fay, Seraph has a lot of important work to do for us." she said as if she was explaining something to a small child, "You need a partner you can call you own, and which you can trust. Besides, you don't have his pokeball, and Seraph is too eye-catching to just bring along. You need to keep a low profile."

Fay rolled her eyes, and watched the professor go into the house. The house which, she suddenly noticed, had a green roof, and red window shutters, while the doors were electric pink. She'd better get out of here fast, if she wanted to keep her sanity. Besides, she hated it when people were exasperatingly right about something. She sighed and glanced at her brother's dragonite:

"Sorry, Seraph." she said, "You'd listen to me, though, right?"

The awesome dragon purred and flapped his wings slightly, which made Fay smile; that was Seraph, he looked intimidating, but he was a real kitten at heart.

While she was patting the dragon's snout, Fay looked around, trying to find something familiar. She still didn't know where she was, but then she spotted some trees which had crimson leaves, even though it was only the middle of spring. There was only one place in Rylan where these grew: the area around the port town of Sylph.

This town was also the home of the famous Sylph Gym, led by the very much infamous "Zephyr", a powerful trainer who used flying pokemon. He was considered the most skilled of all Gym leaders. She remembered how Eru almost faltered when he had lost to him three times, before he finally managed to get the Sylph badge. That Gym was the main reason her brother didn't challenge the Elite Four yet. Zephyr made him doubt his abilities deeply, and Eru swore that he wouldn't challenge the League until he was able to defeat him with ease. Glancing over at Seraph, Fay wondered how come that day hasn't arrived yet.

A sound startled her and she turned to see professor Willow locking the door. Next to the professor's feet...wich were, Fay suddenly realised, acting as a home for a pair of ridiculous red sneakers with white flowers - something moved. The girl recognised that it was a mawile which was looking up at Willow expectantly. When the professor approached her, Fay asked:

"Wow, where did you get a mawile? They're rare even in Hoenn."

Willow chuckled:

"A dear friend of mine gave me an egg as a present some years back." she said proudly, "When it hatched, I got a friend for life." She waved her hand toward the pokemon which performed a cute little bow.

"Fay, meet Mercury." she said, "He's my research partner and friend. How about we get going so that we can get you one too?"

Fay nodded and waved to the Dragonite as they were leaving the garden:

"See you later, Seraph!"

After strolling through the woods in awkward silence for a bit, Willow finnaly cleared her throat and asked:

"So, Fay... is there a certain pokemon type you'd like to train?"

The girl shrugged while scanning the surroundings in search of movement:

"Naw...I just wanted to draw pokemon and be friends with them..." she said in a slightly annoyed tone, "...but if I have to catch some, then I don't mind which type they are. Although I would like to build a nice, balanced team."

Willow smiled:

"I see." she snickered, "You're not like the rest of your family, then. Since they've all specialised in types..."

Fay sighed.

"Well, that's just the thing, isn't it?" she said pensively, "They're all really strong, but they can lose easily if they only fight someone with a type advantage, and enough brains to use it..." She trailed off for a second.

"I never would have thought they can lose when fighting together, though..." she said eventually.

Willow watched her pensively for a moment, but then she noticed that Mercury was trying to turn her attention towards the bushes.

"Come here, Fay!" she called, "I think Mercury's found something!"

They had to search for a bit, but eventually they came across a small pokemon. It looked sad and scared, but when it saw them approach, its back arched, bristling its fur, and it bared its teeth at them defensively. Fay stared at it open-mouthed.

"An eevee!" she gasped eventually, "What's it doing here? They don't live in the wild!"

Willow sighed.

"Look, he's very young." she explained, "There's a new trend among trainers, they breed pokemon so that they can get one of a unique colour..."

"Like Seraph?" Fay interjected helpfully.

The professor nodded:

"That's right..." she confirmed, "...but when they fail to do it, they just release the young into the wild...most are all right, but urban pokemon like this one don't last long..."

Fay sighed:

"People like that should be banned from training pokemon...how can they just release babies into the wild?" she regarded the small pokemon with sympathy for a second, before she perked up:

"Let's help him!" she decided cheerfully, "I'll catch him!"

Willow winced at that:

"Fay, wait! It's frightened, so be careful." she warned, but Fay was already leaning over the pokemon which was now openly snarling at her.

"Aw, don't worry, prof!" she giggled, "Eevees are sweet and cuddly! Aren't you, little guy? Come he-OW!" She jerked away and dropped the pokemon which was now barking at her.

"He bit me!" she said incredulously, "Why, you little-!"

Willow chuckled and placed a gentle hand on her shoulder:

"Easy, Fay." she said kindly, "You need patience. Look, this little guy has been through a lot. Let's catch him and take him home where you can feed him and warm him up a bit. He's still soaked from the rain last night. Here, use this pokeball..."

Fay glared at her and snatched the pokeball grimly.

"Fine!" she snapped, "I'll catch the little...thing." She aimed carefully with one eye closed...

"Okay, go pokeball!" she threw the ball and the eevee snarled at it before it sucked him in. The thing wobbled a bit and then it stilled on its grassy bed. Fay put her hands on her hips, puffing her chest up proudly.

"Ha! Nothing to it! Now that I have a pokemon, maybe everyone will finally pipe down about it."

Willow laughed at the girl's antics:

"Congratulations, Fay! Now, let's go home and make dinner, you must both be starving..."

***

After dinner, when they were full and warm, Fay sat cross-legged in a snug, plush chair next to the fireplace. Even though it was midspring, Rylan had a cool climate, so the nights were still quite chilly, and a small fire was more then welcome.

She was meddling with her brother's locket, the one that Willow took from Seraph and gave to her. It was too big for her to wear, since it was big enough to fit a full-grown dragonite, so she was working on making it shorter. She made the long, silver chain into two smaller ones, and split the locket into two pieces, hanging each on a separate chain.

She put one around her neck, and pondered what to do with the other, smaller one. Then she glanced at the eevee, now sleeping next to the fireplace. After he had been fed and dried up, he wasn't trying to bite her anymore, but he wasn't very friendly either. She had to admit that, at the rare occasions when she did think about what it would be like to get a pokemon, she imagined her starter to be very different.

She sighed, and dropped on the floor next to the pokemon. The small creature woke up immidiately and growled softly as a warning. Fay whispered as she fastened the silver chain around his neck:

"I always thought Eru was silly... putting trinkets on his pokemon... but I've never seen a bond as strong as the one he has with Seraph..."

The eevee stilled and seemed to watch her intently, but she didn't notice as she spoke on:

"Perhaps there's something to it...I'll make as he does and maybe, someday, we'll be friends too, Luno." She stood up and then threw herself on the sofa which Willow had prepared for her without even bothering to change into the pyjamas that were waiting on a nearby chair. As she drifted off into slumber, she thought she heard a distant voice:

"Luno, eh? Well...that ain't too bad. Better than Cuddles, or something equally stupid..."

***

TBC...

Oooooh, who said that!? :paranoid: Well, I'll post the rest of it tomorrow ;) See ya!

 

[Ria]

And it goes on! O.o The suspense has been kiling me O.o Well...not really :P I know what happens next :P And I don't really think it's been killing anyone else, since it wasn't much of a suspense anyways O.o Um...he who can, shall understand :embarrass

****

Fay slept like a log that night. She hadn't even realised how tired she was from the ordeal she had yesterday, and she surely would have slept in late if she hadn't been woken by an unfamiliar voice:

"Hey! Hey, you-er...girl! Wake up! I'm hungry and I need to go outside! Wake up! Sheesh, people are stupid!"

Then, she felt something pounce on her belly and slurred sleepily:

"Whuutissit...?"

The voice grumbled:

"Finally! Hurry up and let me out or you'll be sorry, and I'm not just saying that!"

Fay shook her head sleepily, but when her vision sharpened, all she could see was Luno, sitting on her belly and wagging his tail impatiently. She sat up and looked around in confusion:

"Who was talking just then?" She was just about to decide that she had dreamt it, when the voice spoke again:

"What am I? Invisible!? Hey! Down here, human!"

She turned her head slowly and gawked at the source of the sound, stammering uncertainly:

"L-Luno?"

The eevee pounced edgily and she could swear he rolled his eyes before he spoke - yes he actually spoke - again:

"Finally! Sheesh, you're not very smart, are you? Hurry up and take me out! The door is locked and I really, really need to take care of business!"

Still in a state of utter shock, Fay got up and unlocked the door, and Luno darted out with a bark:

"Freedom! Freedom at last!" The eevee stopped for a second and looked up at her:

"Make yourself useful while I'm gone, and fix some breakfast... and none of that yucky pokemon food, I want milk!" With that, he rushed off towards one of the willows. Fay stared after him, her mouth wide open. She was seriously contemplating pinching herself, when she heard Willow speak:

"Well, aren't you an early bird!"

If she weren't in a state of utter shock, Fay would've probably cringed at how chipper the woman sounded. As it was, she just looked up wordlessly to see the professor fastening a scruffy bathrobe with what appeared to be spinda spots all over it, her damp red hair poking out at odd angles. She had mismatched socks on.

"Luno woke me up..." Fay said flatly, her hand perfunctorily pointing in the direction the eevee had gone in, "He had to go outside..."

Willow smiled, showing off her large, white teeth:

"Isn't he smart!" she said cheerfully, "Well, let's make breakfast! I'll fix us some eggs, and, who knows, there just might be some porridge too." She winked at Fay as if to include her in the world porridge conspiracy. The girl slowly looked outside, and then at the professor. She stammered:

"I...uh...think Luno'd prefer milk today."

After a while, they were all having breakfast at the kitchen. The completely pink kitchen. The dining table was pink, the chairs were pink, the cubpoard was pink, the teacups were pink, as well as the teapot, and the plates...well, lets just say they weren't green. After she retrieved the last two pieces of toast from her pink toaster, Willow glanced at Luno lapping his milk from a pink bowl and chuckled:

"Amazing!" she laughed, "How did you know, Fay?"

The girl winced and shifted uncomfortably. While she was rubbing her eyes absent-mindedly, trying not to go blind from the pastel room, she wondered; What was she supposed to say? That the pokemon spoke to her? She jumped slightly when she heard Luno's voice again:

"Mind what you say, you don't want her to think you're a lunatic, or something."

Fay glared at the pokemon. She didn't exactly know why she felt so angry, but she knew one thing; Pokemon were not supposed to talk.

"Quit it!" she grit out, before she could check herself. Willow frowned and stopped buttering her toast, her knife freezing in mid air:

"What's wrong, Fay?" she looked over the piece of toast she was holding, as if trying to find a reason why she should stop butterning it.

The girl flinched and stammered:

"N-nothing! I-um...I mean...I guess I ought to be on my way, now that I have a pokemon, right?" She felt anger build up inside her when Luno interjected:

"A pokemon partner, okay?" he said incidentally, not even looking up from his bowl of milk, "You don't have a pokemon, you have a pokemon partner."

Before Fay could snap at him again, Willow spoke, her voice filled with concern.

"I don't know if that's a good idea, Fay." she said carefully, "I mean, you have the right to leave, your trainer's equipment is on its way since I sent Seraph for it last night, but...I could just never look Eru in the eyes again if something happened to you. He did send you over here so that I can help you."

Fay rapped her fingers on the dining table. As much as Willow's constant chipperness annoyed her, she didn't really want to be blunt and say she wanted to get as far away from her, as soon as possible because if she didn't, she'd go insane. So, she decided to go with the logics:

"Look, prof, if my entire family couldn't stop those people, there ain't much you and Mercury could do, right?" She raised her eyebrows at Willow, and the woman had to agree reluctantly.

"I suppose not." she said. Fay sensed withdrawal, so she pressed on:

"So it doesn't really matter where I am if they find me, right? And they'll have less chance of that if I'm on the move, right?"

Willow shifted uncomfortably.

"I have the feeling that you're in the process of duping me into something." she said suspiciously, "But I can't argue that it makes sense, what you said." She seemed to ponder something for a long moment, before she looked up at Fay and sighed.

"Look, Fay..." she said gently, "I know your family is in danger, and that you want to help them, but, please, don't rush into anything, alright?"

It was almost a done deal, and Fay could barely hide her eagerness to leave this place.

"No worries, prof." she assured her, "If I do decide to go after those people, I'll make sure I'm well prepared. Fay waited for the answer eagerly, but then she felt a small paw on her leg:

"Hey! What's this about family in danger?"

She glared at her pokemon and grit out:

"Later!"

Willow tilted her head inquiringly:

"Uh...Fay?"

The girl jumed slightly, almost knocking over her pink teacup, and gave a nervous laugh:

"Oh...n-nothing, Luno wants to go for a walk."

The voice by her feet remarked:

"No I don't."

Fay glared sideways and grit out:

"Shut up!" she caught the professor's odd look, and checked herself, "I-ah...I mean...stop it, Luno! We'll go later!"

Willow started to say something, but then there was a sound of mighty wings outside. She smiled:

"Ooh, that would be Seraph with your trainer's gear!" she cooed in delight, "I'll fix him something nice, he's been flying all night! You go say hi to him, I'm sure he'll appreciate it."

Fay nodded, and as soon as Willow was out of sight, she hissed at Luno:

"Would you stop that!? You have no idea how distracting it is! You've got some explaining to do, I'll have you know!"

The pokemon tussled his fur and followed her outside.

"Well, don't get your hopes up." he grumbled, "I didn't just decide to start talking one morning, I have no idea what's going on either."

Fay sighed jadedly. She could scarcely believe this was happening.

"Well, you've got to have some idea." she grit out impatiently, "I mean... ack, listen to me! I'm asking a pokemon's opinion!"

Luno glared up at her.

"I resent that!" he growled indignantly, "Just because you humans don't understand us doesn't mean we're less smart than yo... WHOA that's a big pokemon!!!" His fur bristled when he noticed there was a seven-foot tall dragon at the door. The eevee quickly retreated behind Fay's legs and hissed:

"He'll eat us! What am I talking about, we're to small...he'll blow us away when he breathes out!"

Seraph purred softly and flapped his large wings a bit as if he wanted to reassure the eevee. Fay sniggered and twisted her head to look at her pokemon.

"He won't eat you, you baby." she giggled, "He brought me my trainer stuff! Good job, Seraph!" She took a bundle hanging from the dragonite's neck, while Luno was doing his best to hide behind her and keep his dignity at the same time. The little pokemon shifted nervously:

"So...uh...am I going to grow that big too someday?" he stared up at the dragon warily.

Fay glanced at him with a smile:

"Don't be silly... you can't. But, if you train you might get to be just as strong... oooh, my Trainer Card! Look, this is where I can put your picture too, since you're my first pokemon!"

Luno kept staring at the dragon:

"Yeah, nice..." he said absent-mindedly, "Can we go inside now? Or just away from the creature which can eat us in a single bite?"

Fay rolled her eyes and muttered:

"Oh, this is silly...come here."

Luno yelped as she picked him up:

"Wha-what are you doing, you nut!? Put me down! Don't lift me to his mouth! Help! She's gonna feed me to a monster!" He shut his eyes as the dragonite's head lowered towards him, but then he heard a soft purr, and felt the powerful pokemon sniff him carefully, so he opened them again:

"Hey, he smells nice! Okay, glad to meet you, now put me down!" Just then, Willow came out and smiled:

"Aw, how sweet! They like each other! Is everything there, Fay?"

The girl grinned, and put her pokemon down:

"Yup! Oh, there's this too. It's adressed to you, prof." She handed a rather old letter with a red wax seal to Willow, and the professor tilted her head:

"I haven't seen one of these since I was a child..." she said while looking over the old-fashioned envelope, "Oh, amazing! It's even written in a quill! It's obviously very old... I wonder who it's from..."

Fay squirmed impatinetly, her hazel eyes fixed on the mysterious envelope:

"Well?" she said impatiently, "What'cha waiting for!? Open it! Open it!"

At her feet, Luno pounced:

"Yeah, open it! Now I'm curious too..hey, human, lift me up! I wanna see!"

Fay rolled her eyes and picked him up again as Willow broke the seal and unfolded the old paper. As she read the first line, her brow furrowed, and she whispered:

"Strange..."

To be continued: A letter in the age of e-mail and videophone? And an old-fashioned one to boot. What does it say? Who is it from? Is it really for professor Willow? Will the information from it help rescue Fay's family? Read in the next chapter:"A Letter, A Begining, And The Matter Of Principles".


Phew...oh, boy O.o A talking pokemon? What was I on??? Hehe, just kidding, he actually turned out to be quite an intriguing character to write ^^; But you'll have to wait 'till the next chapter's up to see for yourself(-ves??? O.o )...and that will be on 29th of July...year 2034. Or was it 2006? Meh, either way ;)

 

[Alter Ego]

Ah-hah! I knew who the speaker was (Pretty obvious, really)! And I'm pretty sure I know how he can do that. But hey, I wouldn't want to kill the suspense for anyone who doesn't. ;) Sorry for not getting in the review yesterday, PC went all screwy again and after that I just had to post in the RPs so I wouldn't hold everyone up. Anyhow, I'm here now and the chapter looks good. I had my misgivings about an Eevee starter since that one is so terribly clichéd, but Luno is really fun to read and shows promise as a personality. ^^ Also, the whole contrast of personalities between Willow and Fay is well played, kind of gives me the impression that they feel like they are supposed to get along and be friends (Because of Eru and all) but can't quite manage it. xD That aside, it's nitpicking time:

Fay rolled her eyes, and watched the professor go into the house, the house which, she suddenly noticed, had a green roof and red window shutters, while the doors were electric pink. She'd better get out of here fast, if she wanted to keep her sanity. Besides, she hated it when people were exasperatingly right about something. She sighed and glanced at her brother's dragonite:

Ho-hum, no comma is required before the 'and', although in all honesty I think it would sound better if your replaced the word with an 'as' too, (I.e. "Fay rolled her eyes as she watched...") your call. Regardless, the next sentence seems like more than a side-remark to the previous one than a new piece of information, so try latching it on with a comma rather than a full stop. Also, no comma is needed in front of the "while" and the comma before should be replaced by an 'and' since that spot marks the end of your list. Also, no comma separation is required in the next sentence since the parts on both sides of the comma are both fragments of the same piece of information. Also, I notice that you're using quite a lot of 'she's here. It's not wrong, but you might want to excercise a bit more alternative expressions to pevent montony.

There was only one place in Rylan where these grew: the area around the port town of Sylph.

The part after the comma is kind of a culmination of the part before it, so a colon would probably be better suited for this.

This town was also the home of the famous Sylph Gym, led by the very much infamous "Zephyr", a powerful trainer who used flying pokemon. He was considered the most skilled of all Gym leaders. She remembered how Eru almost faltered when he had lost to him three times, before he finally managed to get the Sylph badge. That Gym was the main reason her brother didn't challenge the Elite Four yet. Zephyr made him doubt his abilities deeply, and Eru swore that he wouldn't challenge the League until he was able to defeat him with ease. Glancing over at Seraph, Fay wondered how come that day has not come yet.

You misspelled "Finally". Also, the underlined section needs to be revised as a whole as, first of all, it suddenly jumps into present tense at "that day has not come yet" and the "how come" expression is kind of hard to use in past tense. Try expressing it in another way, I'm sure you can think of something. ^^

A sound startled her and she turned to see professor Willow locking the door. Next to the professor's feet - which were, Fay suddenly realised, acting as a home for a pair of ridiculous red snickers with white flowers - something moved. The girl recognised that it was a mawile which was looking up at Willow expectantly. When the professor approached her, Fay asked:

"Wow, where did you get a mawile? They're rare even in Hoenn."

Okay, first of all you misspelled Mawile (Single l, not double) and have an 'h' missing in the "which". Also, snickers is, or at least used to be, a candy bar brand, and I assume that you didn't mean to say that the good proffessor had candy bars on her feet, so maybe fix that? Also, since that part is so long, the last "something moved" kind of comes as a "what?" experience, so try encasing the whole thing in "-"s to draw a clear line between the side-remark and the actual event. ^^

"A dear friend of mine gave me an egg as a present some years back." she said proudly, "When it hatched, I got a friend for life." She waved her hand toward the pokemon which performed a cute little bow.

"Fay, meet Mercury." she said, "He's my research partner and friend. How about we get going so that we can get you one too?"

Okay, more misspellings/typoes, this time it was a "hand" with an extra 'e', and "performed" with the 'r' misplaced. Also, "How about we..." is a question and therefore it should end with a question mark.

After strolling through the woods in awkward silence for a bit, Willow finally cleared her throat and asked:

Finally is misspelled again.

"Naw...I just wanted to draw pokemon and be friends with them..." she said in a slightly annoyed tone, "...but if I have to catch some, then I don't mind which type they are. Although, I would like to build a nice, balanced team."

"Well, that's just the thing, isn't it?" she said pensively, "They're all really strong, but they can lose easily if they only fight someone with a type advantage, and enough brains to use it..." She trailed off for a second.[/Quote]

"Although" is looking kind of lonely there, try removing the first comma to give it some company.

"I never would have thought they can lose when fighting together, though..." she said eventually.

"I hope they're allright..." she added quietly.

These two lines are kind of repetitive, you might want to either fuse them into one or add some kind of feedback from Willow between them. The she/she, eventually/quietly duos are making it sound a tad repetitive.

"Aw, don't worry, prof!" she giggled, "Eevees are sweet and cuddly! Aren't you, little guy? Come he-OW!" She jerked away and dropped the pokemon which was now barking at her.

"He bit me!" she said incredulously, "Why, you little-!"

Nyah, line over triple dot when you want to mark a sudden interruption.

Fay glared at her and snatched the pokeball grimly.

"Fine!" she snapped, "I'll catch the little...thing." She aimed carefully with one eye closed...

"Okay, go pokeball!" she threw the ball and the eevee snarled at it, before it sucked him in. The thing wobbled a bit, and then it stilled on its grassy bed. Fay put her hands on her hips, and puffing her chest up proudly.

Misspellings of snatched and pokeball respectively. Also, since the "Go pokeball!" bit is getting its own line, end the previous part with either a full stop or a triple dot (I'd suggest the latter since it's often used for building suspense) and leave a clean line between. Optionally, keep both fragments together, but don't leave it in a vague in-between state like that. Also, commas before 'and's here are redundant, as is the "it" in "it stilled" since you've already identified it as "The thing" earlier in the same sentence. Finally, this one has got quite a bit of 'and's in it, so try changing the last verb to "puffing in order to eliminate that 'and' and thus prevent unnecessary repetition.

After dinner, when they were full and warm, Fay sat, cross-legged in a snug, plush chair next to the fireplace. Even though it was mid-spring, Rylan had a cool climate, so the nights were still quite chilly, and a small fire was more then welcome.

No comma is necessary after "Fay sat" unless you insist on keeping it in which case another one should be added after "cross-legged" to turn it into a full side remark. At any rate, "midspring" should be separated into "mid-spring" with a hiphon. ^^

She put one around her neck, and pondered what to do with the other, smaller one. Then she glanced at the eevee, now sleeping next to the fireplace. After he had been fed and dried up, he wasn't trying to bite her anymore, but he wasn't very friendly either. She had to admit that, at the rare occasions when she did think about what it would be like to get a pokemon, she imagined her starter to be very different.

Ho-hum, you had a "has" in there and those don't belong in past tense sentences. Safety regulations, ya' know. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to replace it.

"I always thought Eru was silly... putting trinkets on his pokemon... but I've never seen a bond as strong as the one he has with Seraph..."

The eevee stilled, and it seemed to watch her intently, but she didn't notice as she spoke on:

"Perhaps there's something to it...I'll make as he does, and maybe, some day, we'll be friends too, Luno." She stood up, and then threw herself on the sofa which Willow had prepared for her without even bothering to change into the pyjamas that were waiting on a nearby chair. As she drifted off into slumber, she thought she heard a distant voice:

I believe the comparison you are looking for is "as strong as", even though those two 'as'es don't look too comfortable near each other at first glance. Also, no comma is necessary after "stilled" here and the 'it' is uncalled for since you already identified him as "The eevee" just now. Also, the commas after "does" and "up" aren't really needed so maybe remove them? The ones around "some day" aren't necessary either, but I'm feeling generous so if you like them you can keep them. ^^


Whew, that took a while. I'll have an in-depth of the second part up a bit later. Right now, I need to take a break before my mind boils over. xD

 

[Ria]

Ah-hah! I knew who the speaker was (Pretty obvious, really)! And I'm pretty sure I know how he can do that. But hey, I wouldn't want to kill the suspense for anyone who doesn't. ;) Sorry for not getting in the review yesterday, PC went all screwy again and after that I just had to post in the RPs so I wouldn't hold everyone up. Anyhow, I'm here now and the chapter looks good. I had my misgivings about an Eevee starter since that one is so terribly clichéd, but Luno is really fun to read and shows promise as a personality. ^^

What? Didn't you know? I just love anything sappy/corny/cliché/tacky and I love it...er...BIG! But I ought to warn you that THIS little eevee has some issues O.o But shhh! :paranoid: Walls have ears! (hehe, funny how that should come up, because later...ack, no, no, I really shouldn't //ish mysterious// :badsmile: )

Also, the whole contrast of personalities between Willow and Fay is well played, kind of gives me the impression that they feel like they are supposed to get along and be friends (Because of Eru and all) but can't quite manage it. xD

Gee, ya think? :paranoid: Hehe, right again ;)

Ho-hum, no comma is required before the 'and', although in all honesty I think it would sound better if your replaced the word with an 'as' too, (I.e. "Fay rolled her eyes as she watched...") your call. Regardless, the next sentence seems like more than a side-remark to the previous one than a new piece of information, so try latching it on with a comma rather than a full stop. Also, no comma is needed in front of the "while" and the comma before should be replaced by an 'and' since that spot marks the end of your list. Also, no comma separation is required in the next sentence since the parts on both sides of the comma are both fragments of the same piece of information. Also, I notice that you're using quite a lot of 'she's here. It's not wrong, but you might want to excercise a bit more alternative expressions to pevent montony.

/grumbles/ What does interpunction have against me!? O.o It keeps playing tricks on me :( Hm, I'll see what I can do about the 'shes' O.o

EDIT: Waaaaaait a minute! How can someone roll their eyes AND watch something at the same time O.o It's impossible...and I'm pretty sure it causes vertigo O.o I'll see what I can do about it after I've fixed everything else.

You misspelled "Finally". Also, the underlined section needs to be revised as a whole as, first of all, it suddenly jumps into present tense at "that day has not come yet" and the "how come" expression is kind of hard to use in past tense. Try expressing it in another way, I'm sure you can think of something. ^^

Ack... I really ought to use the word 'finally' less. I always, ALWAYS misspell it...AAALWAYYS! It's right there in the top with my most commonly misspelled words, along with 'se' instead of 'see' and any word that ends with '-ally' :( What's wrong with a nice 'at last' anyway? O.o

How come...has come O.o I'll see what can be done.

Okay, first of all you misspelled Mawile (Single l, not double) and have an 'h' missing in the "which". Also, snickers is, or at least used to be, a candy bar brand, and I assume that you didn't mean to say that the good proffessor had candy bars on her feet, so maybe fix that? Also, since that part is so long, the last "something moved" kind of comes as a "what?" experience, so try encasing the whole thing in "-"s to draw a clear line between the side-remark and the actual event. ^^

Rats...mawile O.o Well, to my defense, that was the first time I actually tried to SPELL that thing's name O.o
Mmmm...snickers.../drool/ Er...I mean, what's WRONG with me!?!? O.o Sheesh, and I STILL remember that day in elementary school when our english teacher explained how the word 'SNEAKERS' is derived from the word 'SNEAK' so that we'd remember it >:( That's, officially, the most STUPID spelling mistake I've ever made in my entire LIFE! Well, except maybe the time I kept spelling 'though' as 'tough' and everyone thought I was opsessed with baking cookies O.o Okie...on to the fixing!

Okay, more misspellings/typoes, this time it was a "hand" with an extra 'e', and "performed" with the 'r' misplaced. Also, "How about we..." is a question and therefore it should end with a question mark.

I need a spelling checker O.o /whoosh//

"Well, that's just the thing, isn't it?" she said pensively, "They're all really strong, but they can lose easily if they only fight someone with a type advantage, and enough brains to use it..." She trailed off for a second.

"Although" is looking kind of lonely there, try removing the first comma to give it some company.

How do you notice stuff like that ^^; I would've missed it a hundred times! Actually, I did miss it a hundred times O.o

These two lines are kind of repetitive, you might want to either fuse them into one or add some kind of feedback from Willow between them. The she/she, eventually/quietly duos are making it sound a tad repetitive.

I'll whip something up ;)

Nyah, line over triple dot when you want to mark a sudden interruption.

Y'know, the word 'nyah' is really only cute when I do it :P Heh, just kidding ^^; Off to fixy-fix!

Misspellings of snatched and pokeball respectively. Also, since the "Go pokeball!" bit is getting its own line, end the previous part with either a full stop or a triple dot (I'd suggest the latter since it's often used for building suspense) and leave a clean line between. Optionally, keep both fragments together, but don't leave it in a vague in-between state like that. Also, commas before 'and's here are redundant, as is the "it" in "it stilled" since you've already identified it as "The thing" earlier in the same sentence. Finally, this one has got quite a bit of 'and's in it, so try changing the last verb to "puffing in order to eliminate that 'and' and thus prevent unnecessary repetition.

/is downloading a spelling checker/ Nuhm? O.o

No comma is necessary after "Fay sat" unless you insist on keeping it in which case another one should be added after "cross-legged" to turn it into a full side remark. At any rate, "midspring" should be separated into "mid-spring" with a hiphon. ^^

Ah, yes...the joys of spelling a word correctly three times, and then messing it up ^^;

I believe the comparison you are looking for is "as strong as", even though those two 'as'es don't look too comfortable near each other at first glance. Also, no comma is necessary after "stilled" here and the 'it' is uncalled for since you already identified him as "The eevee" just now. Also, the commas after "does" and "up" aren't really needed so maybe remove them? The ones around "some day" aren't necessary either, but I'm feeling generous so if you like them you can keep them. ^^

But commas are so NICE ^^; They look like dancing fullstops ^^; O.o Right, gone!

 

[Ria]

Chapter V: A Letter, A Begining, And The Matter Of Principles

Fay tilted her head inquiringly:
"What?" she stood on her toes and craned to try and get a glimpse of the letter, "What is it?"

Willow rose her dark blue eyes from the paper and met Fay's hazel ones with wonderment:
"The letter is adressed to me." she said, "But the first line says it's actually for you. And it's signed by your brother."

Fay gaped:
"Eru!? M-may I see it?" She shifted Luno so that she was holding him with one arm, and took the old paper from Willow. Her eyes flew across the first line eagerly, and she read the familiar handwritting outloud:

"Dear Fay,

If you're reading this, it means that someone has tried to steal something of great importance from me. People said it was just a myth, people said it couldn't be found, but I've proven them all wrong. It took a lot of time and research, but I've done it. I have the answer at last; the ultimate solution, the dream of every pokemon trainer.

You may be surprised that you are the one I chose to pass this knowledge on, but I believe in you, my little sis, and I know that you will not let it fall in wrong hands. You are the one whose words gave me strength when I was about to give up, and the solution I have found I owe only to you.

I'm afraid that I can't tell you the secret directly. You will understand that it's very easy for a letter to fall into wrong hands, even though I have left it with a trustworthy friend. The instructions I gave him were that if Seraph ever came to him without me, he should know the worst has happened, and give him this sealed letter.


At this point, Fay paled horribly, and gasped:
"T-the worst!?" she stammered, "B-but..."

Willow placed a hand on her shoulder, her eyes kind as she gently said:
"I'm sure he didn't mean that, Fay. The people who have been attacking trainers all over Rylan are dangerous, but I don't think they'll let anything happen to your family as long as they believe that they can get answers from them. Try not to worry too much."

She glanced at the letter and rubbed her chin pensively.
"I wonder who that friend is, though." she mused, "Eru never mentioned anything. Although it would explain why Seraph was gone all night when the journey would've taken him mere hours otherwise."

Fay blinked tears from her eyes, and kept reading the letter in a small voice:

So that my discovery wouldn't fall into wrong hands, I will have to resort to more obscure ways of passing it on to you. This will be my first clue:

Remember September 29th.

Don't lose heart, and stay strong, Chestnut. I hope we'll be together again soon.

Lovingly, your big brother, Eru."

Fay's hand dropped to her side, and she stared in front of her dimly. She never really pondered the possibility of actally losing her family forever. "They're tough, they'll pull through." she'd always say, but now, now that she realised that they depended on her to help them, she felt such intense fear, that it made her feel like she swallowed a pound of ice. She looked up at professor Willow helplessly, and stammered:
"Wh-what am I supposed to do?"

A voice came from within the circle of her other arm:
"How about not squeezing the life out of me?"

She glanced down at Luno, and felt a little better. Snickering a bit, she put him down again.

Willow sighed:
"I know this is hard, Fay." she said slowly, "But, your brother is a very expirienced trainer. If he thought you can handle this, then he's right."

Fay smiled a bit:
"Thanks. Well-uh, I guess we'd better get going."

Willow winced:
"Oh, wait!" she said, "I've prepared you a little something for the road."

She rushed into the house and came out carrying a backpack crammed full. When Fay gave her an odd look, she started talking at twice the speed of sound:
"Here, I've packed you some sandwiches, a torch, one of those handy pocket knives with all the accessories, some pokemon food, soap, toothbrush, toothpaste, matches (careful with those), some pokeballs, potions, and antidotes, a sleeping bag, a miniature pot, a bag of tea (I made it myself), and I've sewn on some separate pockets for the pokeballs, so that you can always have them close at hand. Oh, and you have some stickers too so that you can mark those that have pokemon in them. That should be enough to get you to the next Pokemon Centre. Don't forget to call me and let me know how it went, okay?"

Luno gwaked at her, before he shook his head:
"This lady's nuts!" he barked. Fay threw him a reproachful look, but she was really glad that someone finally agreed with her on that.

She managed a full out grin as she took the pack:
"Thanks, prof, you really thought of everything. I-ah...don't suppose you have some spare milk?"

Willow smiled smugly:
"Front pocket." she squirmed a bit, but it was obvious that she was curious, "So...where are you going first?"

Fay winked:
"To Sylph, of course." she said, "I think I may know what Eru wanted to say. First I'll try and get another pokemon or two, though-"

There was a snort by her feet:
"Why, what's wrong with me?"

Willow shrugged:
"All right." she said, "Don't pressure yourself too much. Remember, lots of excellent trainers are working on getting your family back. You just do your best to improve, and try and have fun."

Fay smiled brightly:
"I will, I promise! Thanks for the help, prof! We'll visit when everything is okay again. Bye, Seraph! Let's go, Luno."

She was really proud of her stunning self-control which enabled her to exclude the words "run", "fast" and "far" from that last statement. Professor Willow was a decent enough person, but there was just something about her that made Fay want to be somewhere else.

Apparently, Luno felt the same, because he shuffled his fur and grumbled.
"Yeah, just walk slowly, and don't make any sudden movements." They left the cheery garden, following a path into the thick, red forest.

*********

Ack, I've had to split this one up too. End of the first part of yet another ridiculously long chapter. Sheesh, it's from one extreme to the other with me. First they're too short, then they're too long :nervous:

The next part coming up tomorrow! ^^;

 

[Ria]

Alrighty! Next part! One of these days, I'll mix up the fractions, and it'll be chaos [Bil Cosby voice] with the story and the plot, and the people going:"Hey, whaaa!?" [/Bil Cosby voice]

Fay and her new pokemon made their way slowly through the omnious Crimson Forest. When the distance from Willow's house could be described as 'safe', Luno glanced back and said:
"So, now that we're away from the crazy lady and can talk, can you please tell me what's going on?"

Fay sighed, and gave a bitter chuckle,"In short?" she asked dryly, "My entire family got abducted by an evil group of people which uses unknown powerful pokemon, and we're off to find what they were trying to steal so that we can stop them."

Luno tossed her a sideways glance:
"You don't say." he commented sourly, "And, since I'm supposed to be your pokemon, I guess you'll be expecting me to go against those creepy unknown things somewhere in the future?"

Fay smiled a bit:
"Maybe." she mused, "I don't know. If I do, though, I'll make sure you're much stronger than you are now."

The pokemon sighed,"Well it's better than nothing, I guess." he looked around the gloomy forest. Almost all trees had blood-red leaves, and they were mostly old and thick, so the branches blocked most of the sunlight, only letting through thin beams here and there. Even though the woods were teeming with life, the dark-barked trees with their red leaves gave it a slightly somber look. Luno ran a few steps to keep close to Fay and remarked:
"You know, this forest isn't really that creepy now that I'm not on my own, but I still don't like it very much." He stopped in his tracks suddenly and sniffed the air.

Fay blinked:
"Uh...what are you doing?"

Luno sniffed the air a couple more times.
"Well," he said between sniffs, "I just thought you might like to know that a pokemon is coming this way."

Fay reached around and took out a pokeball immediately.
"Are you sure?" she looked around, "Which one?"

Luno sniffed again:
"One of those green, crawly thingys."

Fay rolled her eyes:
"A caterpie?", she asked stolidly, but the eevee didn't seem to catch the derision as he replied indifferently:
"If you say so. Here it comes now."

Fay followed his gaze just in time to see a pokemon crawl out of the bushes. It was, indeed, a caterpie. She smirked confidently:
"All right! Let's catch him! Okay Luno, tackle him!"

However, the pokemon looked up at her inquiringly:
"Why?"

Fay glared down at him:
"Wh-what do you mean, why!?" she grit out, "I need you to knock him out so that I can catch him! Hurry up, he'll get away!"

Luno rolled his eyes:
"Oh, yeah, that would be bad." he said tartly, "Because we'd never catch up with him at that rate..."

Fay glowered at him:
"Don't get smart with me. Look, when I give you an order in battle, you have to listen to me, or who knows what can happen!"

Luno snickered:
"Oh, come on! What's he going to do? Crawl on me? Ooooh, I'm sooo scared..."

As they argued, a movement from the object of the quarrel caught Fay's eye. She noticed that the caterpie had taken an attack postion, lifting itself up on his tail in a suspiciously purposeful way.

"Look out!", she shouted, but it was too late. Before she even finished the sentence, Luno was completely covered in sticky, white stuff. He scrambled out of it and barked furiously:

"Why, that little-" he had to make a silly little twirl to shake the web off, as he ranted on, "From the back too! I'll show him!"

Fay felt indignation bile up inside of her at the way her pokemon had ignored her,"Hang on." she grit out, "I have to give you the order first!" but Luno barely spared her a glance.
"Oh pack it in!" he growled, "This is personal! I'll make that little bug regret the day..." He was just about to leap at the caterpie which was urgently trying to crawl back into the bushes, almost reaching the speed of an inch per minute, when Fay decided she'd had enough, and scooped him up:
"That's enough! You're not going anywhere!"

Luno barked furiously as he flailed against her:
"What!? No! Why'd you do that! Let me go, we can still catch him!"

Fay snapped:
"Well, thanks to you, we won't. You can't just go around attacking pokemon on your own! You're part of a team now."

Luno growled at her, his tail whipping left and right in a less-than-friendly way:
"What's the big deal!?" he growled impatiently, "You wanted me to attack him in the first place!"

Fay took a moment to take a deep breath, and then she said very slowly:
"Yes, but when I order you, not whenever you want. You've got to have discipline-"

Luno snapped:
"Oh, come on! I don't fall for that gibberish! You don't own me, you stupid human!"

Okay, to hell with temper. Fay put him down and snapped at him:
"I'm not having this discussion with you!" she shouted, "It's a matter of principles, aright? I'm the trainer, and you're the pokemon, you have to do as I say in battle, or-"

Luno bristled his fur and barked before she finished the sentence:
"Or what? You'll abandon me in the forest so that you can go off and play with all the other cool pokemon!?"

Fay paused for a second staring at him in shock. She couldn't believe he thought that she was the same as that-person who'd abandoned him in the forest. Even though they weren't very close yet, it hurt. She took out Luno's pokeball, and said quietly:
"I think you need a time out...get back in your pokeball."

But the pokemon bristled stubbournly:
"No!"

Fay repeated sternly:
"Luno, come back." she grit out,"Now."

The eevee glared back at her spitefully. He could tell she was pissed off, but he barked back anyway:
"No!"

Fay didn't reply. She just pointed the ball towards the pokemon and the red ray of light scooped him into the pokeball, but not before he cast a odious glare her way. Fay swore quietly and thrust the ball in her backpack, before she marched on, launching into an angry tirade about stubborn, ungrateful pokemon.

The sun was already setting when Fay decided to stop for the day and make camp. She picked a cosy spot next to a forest brook where she could build a small fire and relax. As she was arranging dry twigs into a small cone, she glanced at Luno's pokeball which rolled out of her pack when she'd tossed it on the ground, and her lips pressed together into a thin line as she considered what to do.

When the fire was lit, its crackling sound complimenting the murmur of the forest and the babbling of the stream nicely, Fay reached for the pokeball and opened it:
"All right...you can come out now."

Luno seemed in a grim mood when he came to sit by the fire. He glared at her and grit out:
"I can't believe you did that."

"I can't believe you made me do that." Fay retorted grimly, "Come on, we're even now. Why don't you have some milk?"

Luno glared at her, but he was hungry, so he lapped his dinner greedily. When he was done, he glaced at his pokeball, and then looked up at Fay:
"Don't do that again." he growled, "I'm serious. I hate it in there, it's lonely."

The girl smiled bitterly:
"Hey, don't assume I'm the same as that horrible person who left you in the woods and you have a deal."

The pokemon's eyes snapped up on her and he seemed to scan her face for any trace of mockery, but when he found none, he relaxed a bit and lay by the fire, crossing his front paws.
"Fine." he growled, "But don't think I'll trust you. I know better."

Fay tilted her head to the left and studied her pokemon pensively.
"Why d'you say that?" she asked quietly, "People are not all the same, you know."

Luno looked up at her and snorted:
"How am I supposed to be sure? I mean-you never know with humans. It all seems alright, and then..." he trailed off, staring into the fire. The flames reflected in his large, brown eyes in their inverted dance. Suddenly, he spoke, as if he felt the need to explain:

"It just seemed we were so happy. One day, he took me out into the forest. I thought we were going for a walk. I was excited, I had never been to a forest before, so I ran around and played in the bushes, running back to him every now and then to let him know how happy I was." He rested his chin on his front paws, his eyes still fixed on the flames:

"And him? He smiled and patted my head, as if he approved. When we went in very deep, he turned back, but he wouldn't let me follow him. When he saw that I wouldn't stay there, he pretended to play with me. He tossed my favourite toy into the bushes, and I leapt after it. I'll never forget it; it was the very last time I felt safe and happy. I was stupid, that's what I really was...stupid, stupid, stupid. When I came out, carrying it, he was gone." at that part, he chuckled bitterly, "How pitiful I must have looked...clenching my little toy ball in my mouth, my eyes searching for my-my 'master'," he snorted in revulsion, "I searched after him, tried to find the way home, but after a while, I realised he didn't want me back." His fur bristled slightly at the memory. He glared up at Fay like he was challenging her to say something

Except, Fay had no idea what to say. She never thought about how abandoned pokemon felt. She just took it for granted that they must be alright. They would get adopted, or enjoy freedom in the forest, or-or anything. It had never occured to her that they might end up somewhere in a dark place alone, cold, hungry, and sad. She tried to imagine how she'd feel if her mum just abandoned her like that, but the very thought made a lump rise in her throat. She took a bite of her sandwich, and then she sighed:
"Look, I-I'm sorry. If it means anything, I promise I'll never do that...to anyone"

Luno glanced away and muttered:
"Yeah? Well, we'll see if you feel the same way when you get new, stronger pokemon...when you get bored with me...when you turn human on me, like he did."

Fay sighed; this would take time. It was officially time to change the subject, she reckoned. As a matter of fact, if the subject could speak, by now it would probably be screaming:'Change me, for the love of GOD!'. Fay stared into the dancing flames for a minute, before she spoke pensively:
"I wonder how come we can talk, though..."

Luno would have shrugged if he could. Instead, his ears pricked up.
"Meh, pokemon have always understood people," he said. "Though this is the first time one of you understands me...I always figured they just didn't want to listen."

Fay yawned a bit as she lay back, leaning against a tree trunk.
"That's not true." she noticed, "In fact, most people work on understanding pokemon their whole lives. It's called the 'Final Achievement', and it's the ancient dream of all trainers in Rylan. But the legend says it takes a lot of hard work and devotion, and I've only just become a trainer. It makes no sense..." She stared into the fire ponderingly. Then she said:
"I still can't understand Seraph, and I've known him much longer than you. I couldn't understand that caterpie, either, and Willow couldn't understand you." she sighed, "This is so messed up...if Eru was here, he'd know what to do."

Luno pricked up his ears again:
"Speaking of him, do you know what september 29th means?"

Fay nodded:
"I think so." she smiled slightly, "I'll never forget that date, two years ago. That was the day that Eru finnaly got the Sylph badge from Zephyr, the last of the gym leaders before the Elite Four-"

Her pokemon tilted his head, looking confused:
"Gym leaders?" he asked, "Elite Four?"

Fay rolled her eyes:
"Ah-it's a way to prove you're the best trainer. You have to beat all the strong trainers until you win a cup." she explained shortly before going back to her reminiscence, "Anyway, Eru had lost three times to Zephyr, and even after he finnaly got the badge, he wasn't happy about it. I remember he called me, and said he'd just been lucky. After that, he went to the mountain town of Lotus to train and improve. I heard from him regularly, almost every week, until-until the other day, that is."

She seemed to ponder something for a bit, and then she said slowly:
"Before he left for Lotus, however, he told me something I'll never forget; it was the very thing that made me want to travel myself." she stared into the fire for a long moment, before she spoke on, "You see, since the Sylph Gym is so hard to beat, trainers who do can leave a quote in a miniature hall of fame. Eru said that the quote he left was a message for me, but he wouldn't tell me what it says. He said that if I wanted to know, I'll have to journey to the Gym and see for myself. I used to think that was just his way of getting me to become a trainer like the rest of the family, but now that I think about it, I'm sure that the message is actually another clue. That's why we're going to Sylph first."

Luno was silent for a bit, then he asked carefully:
"Uh...but don't you have to, you know, beat that strong leader guy before they let you in there? If your brother had to do it three times, and he had that huge, winged creature with him, what are we supposed to do?"

Fay shrugged:
"That's what worries me too." she said with a look of concern on her face, "We don't have time to beat all the other Gyms first and get good enough for Zephyr. I just hope that he'll make an exception this time." she stretched her tired bones and crawled into her sleeping bag.
"Well, we'll know tomorrow." she said sleepily, "Let's sleep now, I'm beat."

Luno yawned:
"Yeah, me too..."

Fay growled at him:
"You spent the day in a pokeball!"

A sniggering response came:
"Can't talk. Sleeping."

Fay chuckled and shook her head, before she threw a big log on the fire which was supposed to keep it aflame until morning, and then nestled deeper into her sleeping bag,
"Good night, Luno."

"G'night." he yawned.

To be continued: All's well that ends well. But another battle is at bay. Fay gets an unexpected awakening. Will the disaster from the day before repeat itself? Will Fay and Luno work together this time? Will Fay's team grow? Read in the next chapter:"The Second Battle... Almost."


Eh...there ^^; Okie, then the next chappy will be on in three days. That is to say, on 33rd of July...er-no, wait... o.O; I meant, 2nd of August. Cripes, August already!? o.O Gotta start saving up for mu dad's birthday o.O;

 

[Alter Ego]

"Hey! Hey, you...er...girl! Wake up! I'm hungry, and I need to go outside! Wake up! Sheesh, people are stupid!"

Then, she felt something pounce on her belly, and she slurred sleepily:

Urgh...the heat around here is annoying...must...get...brain...to work...=_= I swear real life is out to get me, both by temperature and by these stupid maths excercises I have to do over the friggen' holiday. I hate math...<< Okay, whew, I think it's working a bit better now. So...first off, no comma is needed after the 'hungry' part because of the 'and' after it, and the same goes for the one after "she felt something pounce on her belly...". Also, the second 'she' there is not necessary since you already identified her as 'she' earlier in the same sentence.

"Finally! Hurry up and let me out, or you'll be sorry, and I'm not just saying that!"

Fay shook her head sleepily, but when her vision sharpened, all she could see was Luno, sitting on her belly, and wagging his tail impatiently. She sat up and looked around in confusion:

Nyah, no comma needed after "let me out", it's just disrupting the flow of the sentence, so you'll be better of without it. Once again, we also have an 'and' putting a comma out of bussiness. Namely, the one after "sitting on her belly".

She turned her head slowly, and gawked at the source of the sound, before she stammered uncertainly:

Nyah, two unnecessary commas here (not too hard to deduce which ones. xD). You might also want to change "she stammered" into "stammering" for more variation.

The eevee pounced edgily, and she could swear he rolled his eyes before he spoke - yes, he actually spoke - again:

"Finally! Sheesh, you're not very smart, are you? Hurry up and take me out! The door is locked and I really, really need to take care of business!"

Still in a state of utter shock, Fay got up and unlocked the door, and Luno darted out with a bark:

"Freedom! Freedom at last!" The eevee stopped for a second, and looked up at her:

"Make yourself useful while I'm gone, and fix some breakfast... and none of that yucky pokemon food, I want milk!" With that, he rushed off towards one of the willows. Fay stared after him, her mouth wide open.

Okay, the comma after "edgily" is not necessary. However, the 'yes' in "yes he actually spoke" does need one, so in order to prevent comma confusion I'd suggest closing off that part with '-'s. The comma after "The eevee stopped for a second" is also unnecessary, unless you want to change "and looked" into "looking". Also, you've misspelled "Finally", "breakfast", and "yucky". So yeah, some typo correction is in order here.

The girl winced and shifted uncomfortably. While she was rubbing her eyes absent-mindedly, trying not to go blind from the pastel room, she wondered; What was she supposed to say? That the pokemon spoke to her? She jumped slightly when she heard Luno's voice again:

Fay glared at the pokemon. She didn't exactly know why she felt so angry, but she knew one thing; Pokemon were not supposed to talk.

Nyah, just a small issue of a missing hiphon in absent-mindedly and an 'are' in the place of 'were' (Once again, it's an improper change of tense). Otherwise it looks fine. ^^ Incidentally, Willow's kitchen is scary...o.o I do symphatize with Fay here.

"N-nothing! I-um...I mean...I guess I ought to be on my way, now that I have a pokemon, right?." She felt anger build up inside her, when Luno interjected:

A stray full stop here. I'll just jot that down as a slip of the finger, shall I?

Fay rapped her fingers on the dining table. As much as Willow's constant chipperness annoyed her, she didn't really want to be blunt and say she wanted to get as far away from her, as soon as possible because if she didn't, she'd go insane. So, she decided to go with the logics:

In this instance, it should be "logic" not "logics" since it is generally assumed that there is only one "logic", although it is rumoured that several sub-species exist (I shouldn't talk about that, though, considering your gender. ;) )

"Look, Fay..." she said gently, "I know your family is in danger, and that you want to help them, but, please, don't rush into anything, allright?"

The way I learned it, "allright" consists of "all" and "right", so add that second 'l' there, please.

"I resent that!" he growled indignantly, "Just because you humans don't understand us doesn't mean we're less smart than yo... WHOA that's a big pokemon!!!" His fur bristled when he noticed there was a seven-foot tall dragon at the door. The eevee quickly retreated behind Fay's legs and hissed:

Nyah, just a hiphon missing from seven-foot. Should be an easy fix.

"Yeah, nice..." he said absent-mindedly, "Can we go inside now? Or just away from the creature which can eat us in a single bite?"

Another absent-mindedly missing a hiphon. Poor thing...

Fay rolled her eyes and picked him up again, as Willow broke the seal and unfolded the old paper. As she read the first line, her brow furrowed, and she whispered:

Nyah, just one last comma to be dealt with, mainly the one after "picked him up again". As for the first part of the next chapter...

Willow lifted her dark blue eyes from the paper and met Fay's hazel ones with wonderment:

If you formulate it like this then the correct verb is "lifted" or optionally "raised" rather than "rose". You can "rise" by yourself, but you can't "rise" anything else. If you'd have put it as something like "Willow's dark blue eyes rose from the paper..." it would have made sense, but in this case it doesn't.

"Eru!? M-may I see it?" She shifted Luno so that she was holding him with one arm, and took the old paper from Willow. Her eyes flew across the first line eagerly, and she read the familiar handwritting out loud:

Nyah, it's "out loud", in two separate words.

At this point, Fay paled horribly, and gasped:
"T-the worst!?" she stammered, "B-but..."

The comma after "horribly" is redundant.

Fay blinked tears from her eyes, and kept reading the letter in a small voice:

So that my discovery wouldn't fall into wrong hands, I will have to resort to more obscure ways of passing it on to you. This will be my first clue:

Another deundant comma after "her eyes". Also, the part that goes "So that my discovery..." looks a bit dodgy to me. I'm not sure if it's incorrect, but I know that it certainly would be if it was something along the lines of "To make sure that my discovery...". Just thought I'd point it out. It's your choice whether you want to make any changes to it or not. ^^ Well, technically it's your choice whether you want to change anything, but you know what I mean...umm...I hope? xD

Fay's hand dropped to her side, and she stared in front of her dimly. She never really pondered the possibility of actually losing her family forever. "They're tough, they'll pull through." she'd always say, but now, now that she realised that they depended on her to help them, she felt such intense fear, that it made her feel like she swallowed a pound of ice. She looked up at professor Willow helplessly, and stammered:
"Wh-what am I supposed to do?"

Nyah, a misspelling of "actually" and (I'm sorry if you're getting bored with hearing about these) a redundant comma after "intense fear".

Willow sighed:
"I know this is hard, Fay." she said slowly, "But, your brother is a very experienced trainer. If he thought you can handle this, then he's right."

Misspelling of experienced. *Smites misspelling* Begone spawn of darkness! xO

"Here, I've packed you some sandwiches, a torch, one of those handy pocket knives with all the accessories, some pokemon food, soap, toothbrush, toothpaste, matches (careful with those), some pokeballs, potions, and antidotes, a sleeping bag, a miniature pot, a bag of tea (I made it myself), and I've sewn on some separate pockets for the pokeballs, so that you can always have them close at hand. Oh, and you have some stickers too so that you can mark those that have pokemon in them. That should be enough to get you to the next Pokemon Center. Don't forget to call me and let me know how it went, okay?"

Nyah, you misspelled center. Also, it's usually best to avoid brackets in this kind of writing, but....heh, I can actually see why you used them here. There's just something very...animeish about her whole explanation that amuses me. xD


And that would be it for those two parts. Sorry for the abbysmally long delay, it's, unfortunately, due to circumstances beyond my control. :\ If all goes as planned, the stuff on the latest installment should be up within the next couple of days, but as an advance: it's looking good this far. ^^ It's a really sad thing that happend to Luno, though. I can picture that scene all too well, and being an animal lover and dog owner it makes me want to stab the fictive character responsible. ;__; Anyway, keep at it. This is getting more and more interesting. ^^

 

[Ria]

Urgh...the heat around here is annoying...must...get...brain...to work...=_= I swear real life is out to get me, both by temperature and by these stupid maths excercises I have to do over the friggen' holiday. I hate math...<< Okay, whew, I think it's working a bit better now. So...first off, no comma is needed after the 'hungry' part because of the 'and' after it, and the same goes for the one after "she felt something pounce on her belly...". Also, the second 'she' there is not necessary since you already identified her as 'she' earlier in the same sentence.

You think YOUR heat is bad??? My toenails are melting! o.O That's why I have a nice, shady room to hibernate in until the rain hits ^^;

Anyhoo, WHERE are all these commas comming from? o.O (I mistyped 'comming' on purpose :P That way I ALMOST made a funny ^^; ) I don't even REMEMBER putting them everywhere o.O They're multiplying like chipmunks o.O; To avoid ridiculously long quotes about all the redundant commas, I'll just correct them everywhere with a HUGE thanks for pointing them out ^^;

The way I learned it, "allright" consists of "all" and "right", so add that second 'l' there, please.

Actually, the double 'l' is only present if the two words are written separately as 'all right'. If not, the correct spelling consist of only one 'l'.

Also, the part that goes "So that my discovery..." looks a bit dodgy to me. I'm not sure if it's incorrect, but I know that it certainly would be if it was something along the lines of "To make sure that my discovery...". Just thought I'd point it out. It's your choice whether you want to make any changes to it or not. ^^ Well, technically it's your choice whether you want to change anything, but you know what I mean...umm...I hope? xD

I'm pretty sure that one is correct, but I'll look it up again ^^;

Nyah, you misspelled center.

Oh, don't worry about that, it's not incorrect, it's just British ^^; I'm trying to stick to the UK system of spelling and pronouncation, but I've got a long way to go, so some American spelling might still slip by me. But, 'centre' is the British way of saying 'center' ^^;

And that would be it for those two parts. Sorry for the abbysmally long delay, it's, unfortunately, due to circumstances beyond my control. :\ If all goes as planned, the stuff on the latest installment should be up within the next couple of days, but as an advance: it's looking good this far. ^^ It's a really sad thing that happend to Luno, though. I can picture that scene all too well, and being an animal lover and dog owner it makes me want to stab the fictive character responsible. ;__; Anyway, keep at it. This is getting more and more interesting. ^^

Hehe, thanks a lot ^^; Both for the kind words and the effort you put into this. It makes me want to pay you money o.O; But I don't have any, unfortunately :embarrass Thanks again, really ^^;

PS: This is really fun! :D