The Mirror Never Lies

[Ria]

Chapter VI: The Second Battle...Almost


The next morning, something bouncing on her belly woke Fay up. She pulled the cover over her head and moaned:
"Luuuno, quit it! It's still early...go back to sle-sle-sleeeeeep." She couldn't help yawning heroically.

Luno growled impatiently:
"Oh, come on, Fay!" he barked, jumping on her stomach again, "There's a pokemon nearby! I wanna beat it! I can do it this time, get up! Get up! Get up! Get up-"

Fay glared at him murderously from under the cover:
"Are you going to keep doing that until I get up?"

The pokemon replied matter-of-factly:
"Yes. Get up!"

The girl kicked the cover of off her angrily:
"Argh! Fine!" she groaned in frustration, " Let me just get my pokeballs."

After just a minute or two, Fay was following Luno through the bushes grumpily. The pokemon pounced edgily when he had to wait for her to catch up:
"How can you be so slow!? Come, on! It'll get away!"

Fay glared at him.
"How can you be so chipper so early?" she grit out "It's annoying."

Suddenly, Luno stopped,"There it is! Right next to the stream!" he said quietly, fidgeting with excitement.

Fay peeked out of the bushes and smiled:
"Aw, a Wooper! They're cute!"

Luno squirmed impatiently:
"So, can I fight it?"

Fay shook her head:
"Not yet." she whispered, scanning the surroundings with her eyes, "If we startle her, she'll just slip back into the water. We have to lure her away from the brook first."

Luno glanced up at her:
"How do we do that?" he asked impatiently, his tail patting against the grass.

Fay smirked and thrust her hand into her pocket.
"Just watch..." She took out a piece of pokefood and threw it away from the water, but close enough for the pokemon to smell it.

The small creature turned its head towards the food almost immediately:
"Woopa? Woopa!" It wobbled towards the snack merrily. When she reached it, first she danced a small, happy circle around it and then she dropped on the ground and started nibbling it.

That was when Fay ordered:
"Right! Luno, tackle!"

The pokemon leapt immidiately:
"Finally! Waaaatch oooouu-OUCH!"

Fay cringed when Luno just swooshed over the pokemon harmlessly and crash-landed a few feet past it. She slapped her forehead:
"I can't believe you missed it!" she groaned.

Luno growled as he tried to regain his footing:
"I didn't miss it! That thing's slippery, I-er...slided over it! Hey, it's getting away! What do I do!?"

Fay pointed to the stream:
"Don't let her get to the water!" she shouted, "Cut her off and scare her away!"

Luno tussled his fur and growled shortly:
"You're the trainer!" With ease, he leapt between the small pokemon and the brook, bristling his fur and baring his teeth at it. To such a little creature, he must've looked ferocious. The wooper yelped and then it dropped on the ground and started crying. Luno gaped at it:
"Er." he said, "Is that an attack?"

Fay squirmed.
"Uh...I think she's actually crying." she admitted guiltily, "You must've really scared her."

Her pokemon snapped at her:
"You told me to!" he glanced at the small pokemon wailing on the ground and shifted uncomfortably, "Argh...now I feel bad."

Fay sighed and approached the crying pokemon.
"There, there, little girl...here, look - yummy!" She held out some pokemon food, but the wooper scooted away. Fay shook her head:
"Eh...she's scared because we attacked her while she was eating." she sighed. Suddenly, she looked at her pokemon, "Hey, Luno, you have a bite to show her it's okay."

He glared at her:
"Me? But I hate the stuff! Why don't you have a bite!?"

Fay rolled her eyes:
"You're the one who keeps calling me 'the human' and last time I checked, this was pokemon food. Why do you always have to..." something touched her outstreched hands and she squealed:
"Oh, look! She's eating! Good girl!" The little wooper chewed on the yummy pokemon food happily, and then she came up to Luno and started playing up to him. The eevee squirmed.
"Hey, quit it!" he barked.

Fay giggled at the sight:
"Aaw, she likes you!" she crooned, "Okay, hold still, I'll catch her."

Luno grumbled, his eyes fixed on the pokeball:
"Yeah, just watch where you're aiming that thing."

Fay sniggered:
"Hey, trust me, okay?" she threw the ball, and it was a bull's-eye. It wobbled just once before it settled.

Luno let out a deep breath.
"Man, I hate those things." he sighed.

Fay picked up her new pokemon and eyed her eevee curiously:
"Say, do all pokemon fell that way about pokeballs?"

Luno shifted uncomfortably.
"Well... " he hesitated, "Not exactly. It's nice and warm in there, cozy too. But I-er...never really liked being cooped up anywhere, so-"

Fay sighed:
"Okay, I get it. Let's have some breakfast and move on, okay?"

Half an hour later, Luno was slurping up his milk greedily while their new friend, Woopy the wooper, was enjoying pokemon food. Fay took a bite of her sandwich while studying the Rylan map in her PokeNav.
"Ooohhkaaay..." she said pensively, "If we stay on this path, we should be in Sylph by noon. Ooh, I just can't wait! I've never seen the ocean before."

Luno looked up from his milk curiously:
"The ocean, eh? As in - lots of water? What's so special about that?"

Fay rested her chin on her palm and gazed into the distance dreamily.
"Its size..." she said pensively "And the secrets it hides. I've heard so many legends and Eru has told me so much about it."

Woopy glanced between Fay and Luno with a quizzical:
"Woopa?"

Fay snickered.
"Are you done eating, Woopy? Come back, then. We ought to get going." She packed up, and soon they were on their way again.

**********

It was a little past noon when the port town of Sylph presented itself in front of Fay and Luno. The pokemon tilted his head.
"Well, finally!" he grumbled, "My legs are killing me!"

Fay rolled her eyes and retorted dryly:
"Funny, because your mouth have been working all the way and nothing's wrong with that, is it now?."

Luno threw her a sceptical look:
"You know, good jokes are short."

Fay glared venomously at him.
"Like you'd know, you mut."

Luno smirked:
"I know better than you, human."

Suddenly he paused and sniffed the air. Fay realised that something was not right and looked around:
"What?" she asked, "What's wrong?"

Luno shushed her:
"Shh!"

The girl flinched:
"Oh, sorry!" after a second, she glared at him, "What do you mean 'shh'!? You're sniffing, not listening!"

The pokemon sniggered:
"I know, I just wanted you to shut up. Anyway, something's wrong around here. I can smell lots of tension in the air." Fay glanced around pensively.

"Now that you mentioned it," she mused, "There does seem to be something out of place, but I can't really say... "
She trailed off in shocked realisation when she remembered all the stories Eru had told her about the bubbly, lively port of Sylph with its friendly people and festive ambiance. Her eyes scanned the streets and she muttered:
"Where the hell is everyone?"

To be continued: The pair became a threesome. With Woopy as their new friend, Fay and Luno have finnaly arrived to Sylph. But what will they find there? Can they win against all odds? Will they get the much needed backup in time? Read in the next chapter:"Port Under Siege"


Phew...this took more work than usual o.O; Posting-wise, I mean. Oh, well, next part will be on Sunday, that is to say 5th of August ;)

EDIT: Tsk, just realised that Sunday is the 6th of august X( Boy, if this was a legally binding contract you could've sued the pants off of me ^^; The next chapter will be up on Sunday 6th of august ^.^

 

[diageo11]

Your story is really good even though I have not read all of it. I hope you keep writting, and know you have a fan right here.

Just one question, where did you get your avatar, did you make it yourself, please reply.
Thanks
And if you have time you can read my fanfic, its not nearly as good as yours though.
See ya...

 

[Ria]

Your story is really good even though I have not read all of it. I hope you keep writting, and know you have a fan right here.

Oh, thanks, that's so sweet ^^; It really meants a lot, I was begining to wonder if anyone apart from my hero, Alter Ego /swoons/ reads it at all ;)

Just one question, where did you get your avatar, did you make it yourself, please reply.

Yeah, I made it, but not from scratch. It involved the screen capture feature in my emulator and some photoshopping ^^; And now my dioptry has doubled o.O;

And if you have time you can read my fanfic, its not nearly as good as yours though.
See ya...

Oh, of course I will, I'm actually set on reading ALL the fanfics around here, but my connection can get moody and it takes hours to open up new threads :( I promise I'll read it, though ^^; If I had the time, I'd do nothing but read all day long ^^;

 

[diageo11]

Thanks for the tips on my story, I'll go make it longer now...

I've read your whole story now and I cant wait till you add more to it, Luno is SO cool. I like his attitude 8)

 

[Forci Stikane]

(And I make three...)

Very nice Fanfic. I think it could even work as FFOTM,...but I'm not in charge of that...

The comma splices, and mispellings are okay; I've seen MUCH worse. I would like to point out one thing, though:

"If we startle her, she'll just slip back into the water. We have to lure her away from the brook first."

Fay picked up her new pokemon and eyed him curiously

So, which gender IS Woopa?

Spoiler:

Oh, and how long until Luno evolves into Umbreon?

I swear real life is out to get me, both by temperature and by these stupid maths excercises I have to do over the friggen' holiday. I hate math...<<

MAATH!! Math, math, math, math! I love math! What is it, Geometry? Or Calculus? I'll help you if you need it. Just PM me!

[/Crazy Excitement]

 

[Ria]

So, which gender IS Woopa?

It's Woopy :p

Oh dear, I just knew that part would be trouble ^.^; See, the thing is, Fay picked up the pokeball, but she looked at Luno ;) I'll go back to it and try and make it a bit clearer ^^; Thanks for pointing it out >:)<

Spoiler:

Oh, and how long until Luno evolves into Umbreon?

Spoiler:

Hmm...let's see, how to answer this neutrally. Luno may evolve into an umbreon some day (and I stress: MAY), but it won't be in this fic ;)

MAATH!! Math, math, math, math! I love math! What is it, Geometry? Or Calculus? I'll help you if you need it. Just PM me!

[/Crazy Excitement]

/joins in/ MATH! I love math too, especially geometry and logarythms (that word is SO not spelled like that :D ) but don't PM about it me for your own good, since I kinda, sorta...well...SUCK! Mwahahahaha...erm :paranoid: PM me about anything else, though ^^

EDIT: Whoo! Broke into the second page!!! No more endless scrolling down for me! I'm soooo happy ^^; I need a salsa partner NOW :D /people scream, run away/

 

[Alter Ego]

Woah, there are like, other people than me actually commenting here. o.o Good. It's about time that others noticed all the effort you've been putting into this. ^^

Actually, the double 'l' is only present if the two words are written separately as 'all right'. If not, the correct spelling consist of only one 'l'.

*Blinks* Really? o.o I stand corrected then. Why does English have to be so full of random spelling conventions, anyway? << *Grumbles* Oh well, thanks for pointing that out. ^-^

Oh, don't worry about that, it's not incorrect, it's just British ^^; I'm trying to stick to the UK system of spelling and pronouncation, but I've got a long way to go, so some American spelling might still slip by me. But, 'centre' is the British way of saying 'center' ^^;

Ahh...I see. Curse my American-English influences. << Like it or not, that's what I've learned, though, so sorry in advance for any American mistakes I make in the future. Strange that I should adopt that form, though, seeing as how Finland is way closer to the UK and I tend to prefer the british TV series and whatnot over the American ones. o.o Yes, strange indeed...

Anyway, on to the actual reviewing. I really like the latest installment (Okay, I really like all of them, but anyway), love the whole dilemma with the battle and Woopy is really cute. ^0^ Incidentally, you do know that Woopers are always covered by a slimy film while on land, right? *Pokes pokédex* You could try making use of that little detail seeing as how she likes to be close to Luno. ;) *Rushes of to check* Right...the pokédex even says that said film is poisonous (You know, protection against predators) so maybe it's kind of a stinging sensation type of poison? o.o Your call whether you want to make anything of it or not. But yes, where is everyone? o.o The suspense is gathering....

Fay and her new pokemon made their way slowly through the omnious Crimson Forest. When the distance from Willow's house could be described as 'safe', Luno glanced back and said:
"So, now that we're away from the crazy lady and can talk, can you please tell me what's going on?"

Fay sighed, and gave a bitter chuckle, "In short?" she asked dryly, "My entire family got abducted by an evil group of people which uses unknown powerful pokemon, and we're off to find what they were trying to steal so that we can stop them."

Nyah, just stick all of this into one paragraph and replace the colon with a comma for clarity's sake.

Luno tossed her a sideways glance:

"You don't say." he commented sourly, "And, since I'm supposed to be your pokemon, I guess you'll be expecting me to go against those creepy unknown things somewhere in the future?"

Ehh...I think I said this once before, but either clearly separate both parts or put them together. So you could either change the colon to a comma and move that part next to "You don't say." or leave an empty line between the two parts. ^^ Also, and forgive me if this is another americanism, I believe that it's a a sideward glance. He glanced sideways, but the glance in itself enjoys the adjective form of sideward. That's the way I see it, anyway.

The pokemon sighed:

"Well it's better than nothing, I guess." he looked around the gloomy forest. Almost all trees had blood-red leaves, and they were mostly old and thick, so the branches blocked most of the sunlight, only letting through thin beams here, and there. Even though the woods were teeming with life, the dark-barked trees with their red leaves gave it a slightly somber look. Luno ran a few steps to keep close to Fay and remarked:
"You know, this forest isn't really that creepy now that I'm not on my own, but I still don't like it very much." He stopped in his tracks suddenly and sniffed the air.

See my above comment concerning the first line. Anyway, there's a redundant comma in "here and there", so remove that please.

Fay rolled her eyes:
"A caterpie?", she asked stolidly, but the eevee didn't seem to catch the derision as he replied indifferently:

"If you say so. Here it comes now."

There's a redundant space before the 'A' in "A caterpie".

Fay felt indignation bile up inside of her at the way her pokemon had ignored her, "Hang on." she grit out, "I have to give you the order first!" but Luno barely spared her a glance.

"Oh pack it in!" he growled, "This is personal! I'll make that little bug regret the day..." He was just about to leap at the caterpie which was urgently trying to crawl back into the bushes, almost reaching the speed of an inch per minute, when Fay decided she'd had enough, and scooped him up:

"That's enough! You're not going anywhere!"

Nyah, a bit of spacing to clarify this part a bit. Also, 'But' is a very awkward way to start a sentence, so I thought it would look better at the end of the previous one.

Luno barked furiously as he flailed against her:
"What!? No! Why'd you do that! Let me go, we can still catch him!"

Fay snapped:
"Well, thanks to you, we won't. You can't just go around attacking pokemon on your own! You're part of a team now."

Luno growled at her, his tail whipping left and right in a less-than-friendly way:
"What's the big deal!?" he growled impatiently, "You wanted me to attack him in the first place!"

There's no 'h' in 'tail', I'm afraid.

Fay didn't reply. She just pointed the ball towards the pokemon and the red ray of light scooped him into the pokeball, but not before he cast a odious glare her way. Fay swore quietly and thrust the ball in her backpack, before she marched on, launching into an angry tirade about stubborn, ungrateful pokemon.

The comma after "backpack" is redundant.

The girl smiled bitterly:
"Hey, don't assume I'm the same as that horrible person who left you in the woods, and you have a deal."

The pokemon's eyes snapped up on her and he seemed to scan her face for any trace of mockery, but when he found none, he relaxed a bit, and lay by the fire, crossing his front paws.

Redundant commas after "in the woods" and "relaxed a bit"

"It just seemed we were so happy. One day, he took me out into the forest. I thought we were going for a walk. I was excited, I had never been to a forest before, so I ran around, and played in the bushes, running back to him every now and then to let him know how happy I was." He rested his chin on his front paws, his eyes still fixed on the flames:

"And him? He smiled and patted my head, as if he approved. When we went in very deep, he turned back, but he wouldn't let me follow him. When he saw that I wouldn't stay there, he pretended to play with me. He tossed my favourite toy into the bushes, and I leapt after it. I'll never forget it; it was the very last time I felt safe and happy. I was stupid, that's what I really was...stupid, stupid, stupid. When I came out, carrying it, he was gone." at that part, he chuckled bitterly, "How pitiful I must have looked...clenching my little toy ball in my mouth, my eyes searching for my-my 'master'," he snorted in revulsion, "I searched after him, tried to find the way home, but after a while, I realised he didn't want me back." His fur bristled slightly at the memory. He glared up at Fay like he was challenging her to say something

Okay, there's an unnecessary comma after "I ran around" while a comma would actually be in order after "his front paws". Also, since this is past-tense, it should be bristled rather than bristles.

I used to think that was just his way of getting me to become a trainer like the rest of the family, but now that I think about it, I'm sure that the message is actually another clue. That's why we're going to Sylph first."

You're lacking an 'o' in 'to'.

"/yawn/ G'night."

Nyah, that /yawn/ is lick an asterisk notation and thus has no place in a fanfic. Just replace it with something like "Luno yawned". ^^

As for the latest chapter...

Suddenly, Luno stopped, and said quietly, fidgeting with excitement:
"There it is! Right next to the stream!"

Ummm...this sentence construction looks kind of awkward. I'd suggest something more along the lines of "Suddenly, Luno stopped, "There it is!" he said quietly, fidgeting with excitement, "Right next to the stream!"". Meh, just as a thought.

Fay smirked and thrust her hand into her pocket.
"Just watch..." She took out a piece of pokefood, and threw it away from the water, but close enough for the pokemon to smell it.

No comma required after "pokefood".

The small creature turned its head towards the food almost immidiately:

You're missing an 'i' in 'immediately' unless this is another british spelling I'm not familiar with.

Fay cringed when Luno just swooshed over the pokemon harmlessly and crash-landed a few feet past it. She slapped her forehead:
"I can't believe you missed it!" she groaned.

You misspelled 'harmlessly'. Lots of typos this time around, eh?


And that's just about all I could find. The last chapter was surprisingly short on nits, which is definitely a good sign. Now all that remains is the anticipation-filled wait for the next chapter. ^^

 

[Ria]

Ahh...I see. Curse my American-English influences. << Like it or not, that's what I've learned, though, so sorry in advance for any American mistakes I make in the future. Strange that I should adopt that form, though, seeing as how Finland is way closer to the UK and I tend to prefer the british TV series and whatnot over the American ones. o.o Yes, strange indeed...

Well, not really, most of the world is geographically closer to UK than to USA, and yet, American English is more and more dominant. Why? Two words: "Friends" o.O; I thought there was a 'the' in there somewhere o.O;
Okay, one word, but you get the picture ^^

Incidentally, you do know that Woopers are always covered by a slimy film while on land, right? *Pokes pokédex* You could try making use of that little detail seeing as how she likes to be close to Luno. ;) *Rushes of to check* Right...the pokédex even says that said film is poisonous (You know, protection against predators) so maybe it's kind of a stinging sensation type of poison? o.o

Well, I kinda sorta did use it since Luno really did slide over Woopy when he tried to tackle her ^^ And I know about the poison part too, but there are two reasons why I didn't want to use that. One is that in game Woopers don't have a poison-upon-contact ability, they have something preventing self-destruction, I think o.O; And the other is that episode of the series when...ugh...Ash, if that is his real name, had to watch over a daycare filled with woopers, and they kept sliding through his hands like soap when he tried to grab them ^^ And no poison there either ^^

/glances up at what she wrote/ Sheesh, now I'm a pokemon nerd too o.O; Before, it was just chess, anime and comic books with a maniacal fondness for penciles (I collect them ^^ ) and now pokemon too? Sheesh. :tired:

Nyah, just stick all of this into one paragraph and replace the colon with a comma for clarity's sake.

You restrained yourself from saying "for God's sake" at the very end, didn't you ;) Hehe, sure, done ^^

Also, and forgive me if this is another americanism, I believe that it's a a sideward glance. He glanced sideways, but the glance in itself enjoys the adjective form of sideward. That's the way I see it, anyway.

I truly, honestly have no idea whatsoever O.O I'll double check ^^

EDIT: Alrighty, we have a situation o.O; Apparently, sideways is a correct expression according to CALD, while sideward doesn't exist o.O However, according to Diccionario Cambridge Klett Compact which, as far as I could make out, is an Italian-English dictionary, sideward does exist, and it is a synonim of sidways o.O;

Anyway, there's a redundant comma in "here and there", so remove that please.

How do they slip by!? :cross-eye I was really careful this time Oo /sigh/ Me go fix.

There's a redundant space before the 'A' in "A caterpie".

Ack...stupid typos X( Igor go fix.

There's no 'h' in 'tail', I'm afraid.

Watta??? o.O; Why did I...how...??? Ack, neevermind...me go fix ^^ Thankey

Nyah, that /yawn/ is lick an asterisk notation and thus has no place in a fanfic. Just replace it with something like "Luno yawned". ^^

Hehe, y'know, I actually thought long and hard on that one, and decided to fix it and then I was suddenly too lazy :embarrass Off to fix! ^^

Ummm...this sentence construction looks kind of awkward. I'd suggest something more along the lines of "Suddenly, Luno stopped, "There it is!" he said quietly, fidgeting with excitement, "Right next to the stream!"". Meh, just as a thought.

I'll see what I can do ^^

You're missing an 'i' in 'immediately' unless this is another british spelling I'm not familiar with.

Would you relax with the British spelling already :p I'm not going to start blaming any mistake I make on that :P Sometimes I get the so called "fast typing syndrome" where I can produce large amounts of text in a short time, but my spelling suffers instead :embarrass

Lots of typos this time around, eh?

Yessum :embarrass /hides/

And that's just about all I could find. The last chapter was surprisingly short on nits, which is definitely a good sign. Now all that remains is the anticipation-filled wait for the next chapter. ^^

Well, I'm doing my best to get better ^^ It's going slowly...VERY slowly, but sometimes it turns out okayish ^^
Right then! Go fish! I mean fix!

Hehe...uh-yeah :disappoin

 

[Ria]

Chapter VII: Port Under Siege


They walked along the empty streets cautiously, but the farther they got the clearer it was that the town was deserted. The window shutters were closed on all the houses and there was no movement, no sound, no life whatsoever. It was like something had sucked the life out of the usually bubbly port of Sylph. They passed closed restaurants, shops, even a Pokemon Centre. As she was studying the white, deserted building, Fay quietly spoke,"Something horrible must've happened if even the Pokemon Centres are closed..."

Luno glanced around nervously.
"I'm not too keen on people," he muttered, "But I have to admit that towns are creepy without them..."

Fay glanced down at him.
"Well...I don't know what happened," she mused, "But if the Gym is locked too, then we're in trouble."

Suddenly, she spotted a large, white board on the other side of the street.
"Hey, look!" she said as she pointed over at the board, "It's the town map! Let's find the Gym on it." Even though she knew the town was deserted, she couldn't help glancing left and right before she crossed the street. Then she heard a chuckle behind her back:
"Humans..."

Fay threw a murderous glance over her shoulder.
"You never know," she retorted crankily. "Better safe than dead, if you ask me. Pipe down and let me take a look at this." She studied the map carefully, until she felt a small paw scratch her trouser leg. She glanced at Luno and realised that he was nervous about something.
"Hey, Fay!" he hissed, his ears twitching uneasily. "Something's wrong! Someone's coming and they don't smell friendly! Let's get moving, huh?" but it was too late. Fay could now hear the voices coming nearer from around the corner too, but before she and Luno could get out of sight, three people showed up. Fay froze; these men were dressed just like the thugs who attacked her family the other day.
"Oh, great..." she grit out when one of them glanced her way.
The very next second, hell broke loose. In an instant, they released two houndooms and a primeape. All three of the pokemon had a hungry look about them as if they hadn't eaten in days. A nervous-looking, scrawny little man stepped out from between the pokemon and demanded in a shrill voice, "W-Who are you!?"

One of his colleagues rolled his eyes and grabbed his enthusiastic friend by the collar, yanking him backwards.
"Get back in formation you nit!" he snapped, practically tossing the slighter man back, "I'll handle this." He pinned Fay with a cold stare and his lips curved into a slight, bitter smile.
"Are you deaf, girl?" he demanded scornfully. "Kitty got your tongue? What are you doing here!?"

Fay took a shaky step back, her eyes scanning the surroundings for any means of escape. These men didn't seem to know she was a Longfellow, but she was in trouble all the same. She and Luno couldn't possibly outrun the houndooms or beat the fighting pokemon.
"I-I, uh...just got here." she stammered. "Um...wh-what happened to everyone?"

From behind his superior's back, the scrawny man barked:
"We run this town now, little girl!" he dodged the stronger man's swat and piped down, as the leader took over and snarled harshly:
"Indeed. And you, my dear, are breaking the curfew."

The most quiet member of the trio decided to comment.
"If I may," he asked for their attention politely, "It might not be bad to bring her in. I believe it is safe to assume that she is one of Zephyr's associates. I'd like to remind you, Gots, that Benedict promised a handsome reward for any type of information about Zephyr's location."

Their leader - Gots, Fay assumed - smirked as he turned his attention to the girl again.
"Is that true, sweety?" he droned cynically, "Do you know where Zephyr is hiding? No? No matter, we have ways to make you talk. Primeape, get her!"

The strong pokemon flexed his agile limbs and took a step towards Fay, but then Luno sprang between them and growled:
"Paws off, uglyface!"

The three men stared at the small pokemon for a second, and then they burst out laughing.
"Oh, no!" the scrawny man hollered, "It's THE EEVEE! Spare us from your wrath!" they roared even louder with raucos laughter.

Fay glared at her pokemon, annoyance and worry mixing in her voice.
"What are you doing, you crazy pokemon!?" she hissed, "He'll bloody rip you to shreds! You can't go against the fighting type!"

Luno threw her a grim look.
"Gee, thanks for the newsflash." he growled edgily, "I've got one for you too: you suck as a trainer! Now give me an order so that I can blame it all on you later!"

Fay stared at him for a second, but there was no time to lose.
"Er-right...tackle him!" she ordered, pointing at the vicious fighting pokemon.

Luno glared at her in disbelief.
"Tackle him!?" he snapped in a slightly hysterical manner, "Tackle him!? How about I go bang my head against a wall! Think harder, genius!"

Fay flinched guiltily, realising he was right. She scanned the surroundings for a way they could possibly win. Then she glanced to the left and noticed that there was a flowershop window stretching next to where Luno was standing. An idea formed in her head.
"Luno!" she said suddenly, "We need to piss him off!"

The little pokemon glanced at his opponent and took in the primeape's bloodshot eyes as well as the vein pulsating on the pokemon's forehead.
"No problem." he said shortly. The eevee jumped easily at the primape's head and took a biteful of thick fur, yanking it upwards. The fighting pokemon let out a spine-chilling shriek and started jerking left and right, blind with fury and oblivious of the orders his trainer was screaming at him.
"Hw-abt a bldy ordr!?!" Luno grit out with his mouth full of scruffy hair.

"Uh...Good work!" Fay shouted, "Now jump on the windowsill and wait for my command!"

Luno spit out the sweaty fur with a revolted look and glanced over to where she was pointing. He grinned, eyes widening in comprehension.
"Oh, I get it!" he hopped off of the raging pokemon and landed softly on the windowsill.
"Hey! Come and get me, you ugly stupidhead!" he taunted in a most obnoxious manner he could muster. Which was pretty obnoxious.

The primeape let out an enraged shriek and launched itself at Luno. Fay screamed:
"Now, dodge, Luno! Now!" The eevee lept away, but he couldn't avoid getting hit by the primeape's strong foot as the fighting pokemon crashed into the window, shattering the glass and spraying it all across the street. The hit sent Luno crashing on the glass-splattered asphalt road. Fay cringed in sympathy. "Luno!" she gasped, "Hey, you okay!?"

The small pokemon stood shakily, his breathing heavy.
"Yeah...just knocked the air out of me. You should see the other pokemon."

Fay glanced towards the shattered wndowpane. She couldn't see the primeape, but there was blood on the glass spikes which were all that remained of the flowershop window. She felt a pang of guilt for the pokemon, but there was no time for regrets. She flinched when one of the attackers screamed at her."You little turd! My pokemon's useless now! Get her! What are you waiting for, you tossers, get her!"

Luno bristled his fur as the two houndooms dashed towards them,"Here they come, Fay!" he warned.

But the attacking pokemon never reached their targets. There was a powerful shriek in the sky and a violent rush of air knocked the fire pokemon and their trainers back. Fay grabbed Luno and shielded them both from the whirlwind of shattered glass flying around. When it was safe to look, she realised she was in the shadow of something huge. She looked up and saw a tallish boy around her age with mouse-brown hair, sitting on the back of an enormous pidgeot.

Luno gaped at the awesome bird in shock.
"Whoa," he gasped out, "I'm smaller than that thing's nail!"

Gots was the first to regain his footing. He threw an odous glare at the boy."Zephyr!" he roared, "I'll get you this time! Get up, you idiots!"

Fay gaped at the boy in utter astonishment."Zephyr!?" she croaked out.

The boy rolled his eyes impatiently. "Yeah, now will you get on, or not? I don't have all day!"

Fay glanced at the thugs and decided to make herself scarce before they recover from shock. She accepted the boy's outstreched hand and he pulled her onto the bird's back with surprising strength.
"Vida!" he cried "Get us out of here!" The mighty pidgeot flaped her large wings and took off carrying the two people on her back effortlessly. At the sudden increase of altitude, Fay yelped and wrapped her arms around the boy's waist. She decided she'd get all shy about it later. This was a matter of survival. Luno squeaked when he got pressed between them:
"Hey! Squashed pokemon here!" he cried.

Fay grit out."If you don't want to become a splattered-on-the-pavement pokemon, you'd better shut up."

Zephyr glanced across his shoulder and shouted to outshout the whooshing sound of the rapid wind."What's that you said?"

Fay shouted back."I asked where we're going!"

Zephyr frowned slightly as he didn't quite buy that, but he replied anyway."To a safe place, but we've got to circle the town a bit so that they lose our trail. I'd say 'don't look down', but this is the best view you can get!" He winked with a smug grin and went back to navigating his pidgeot. Fay dared to cast a glance downward, but she shivered and pressed her face into the back of the boy's white fleece as she muttered."I don't think so..."

To be continued: The infamous Zephyr. Friend, or foe? Where are they going? Why is the town under the control of the mysterious attackers? How will she and Luno get inside the Gym now? How will they reach the Hall of Fame if they do? What has Eru left in there for Fay? Read in the next chapter:"People In Glass Houses"


Phew! Alrighty, then ^^ Next chappy coming up on Friday 11th of August ^^

 

[diageo11]

Chapter VII: Port Under Siege




Fay glanced towards the shattered wndowpane. She couldn't see the primeape, but there was blood on the glass spikes which were all that remained of the flowershop window. ^^

You forgot the "i" in windowpane.


Anyway this chapter was great ad your story is really coming along nicely.
Can't wait for the next chapter.

 

[Smarties-chan]

My grammar and punctuation suck, so I'll just leave the nitpicking to Ego. n_n Even though I can't correct mistakes (Other than typos and whatnot and I'm too lazy to read through the chapters again just to find a typo I found while reading it. x___x), I just had to reply to this thread.

I absolutely love this fanfic. As a matter of fact, it's one of the very few fanfics I actually bothered reading further than the first chapter. The story seems to be progressing very nicely and the characters have really strong personalities, which, in my opinion, is the most important thing in writing. I especialy like Luno's personality. Many beggining writers seem to make the main character's Pokémon brainless drones that always obey him/her. =\

Yup, I'm a begginer

If what you say is true, you really put a lot of effort into this fanfic. *Ish jealous of your writing skills.* Maybe I could write something decent, but I'm just too lazy for that. <.< I have countless plot ideas, but I don't have the inspiration to start a fanfic. Well, at least not the inspiration to finish the first chapter. n_n

^ Sorry about that. This thread is about your fanfiction, not my laziness. x___x

Well, keep up the awesome work, Ria. I can't wait for the next chapter.

Phew! Alrighty, then ^^ Next chappy coming up on Friday 11th of August ^^

I'll sue you if the next chapter isn't posted by then. >O

 

[Forci Stikane]

Hehe, looks like I'll beat AE to it this time! And I'm pickier...

Chapter VII: Port Under Siege


They walked the empty streets cautiously but the farther they got, the clearer it was that the town was deserted.

This first sentence should probably have a comma after cautiously, but there should not be one after got. Also, just saying "walked the empty streets" makes it sound like the streets are some kind of animal. It would be better to put something along the lines of "walked along" instead of just "walked".

The window shutters were closed on all the houses, there was no movement, no sound.

This just doesn't work. The idea that you're going for (or at least I HOPE you're going for) always has a "totality" word at the end (nothing, nobody, etc). The first comma needs to end a sentence instead. Also, saying that the shutters were closed on the houses implies that there are some buildings where they are open. How it should go is "The window shutters were all closed. There was no movement, no sound, nothing".

It was like something had sucked the life out of the usually bubbly port of Sylph. They passed closed restaurants, shops, even a Pokemon Centre but it was locked as well.

Giving a list of things that are closed then saying that one was "locked as well" is excessive, and using a list without putting and/or/nor after the last comma is a no-no (unless it's something like the second sentence). If you want to mention that it was also locked, then you can put the word "locked" first and omit that extra phrase.

As she was studying the deserted, white building, Fay spoke quietly,"Something horrible must've happened if even the Pokemon Centres are closed..."

When describing a building like that, color should probably come first. And "spoke quietly" should be "quietly said".

Luno glanced around nervously.
"I'm not too keen on people," he muttered, "But I have to admit that towns are creepy without them..."

Fay glanced down at him.
"Well...I don't know what happened," she mused, "But if the Gym is locked too, we're in trouble"

Forgot a period. And never use "if" like that without a "then" following the comma.

Suddenly, she spotted a large, white board on the other side of the street.
"Hey, look!" she said as shepointed over at the board, "It's the town map! Let's find the Gym on it." Even though she knew that the town was deserted, she couldn't help glancing left and right before she crossed the street. Then she heard a chuckle behind her back.
"Humans..."

Fixes in bold.

Fay threw a murderous glance over her shoulder.
"You never know," she retorted crankily, "Better safe then dead, if you ask me. Pipe down and let me take a look at this." she studied the map carefully, until she felt a small paw scratch her trouser leg. She glanced at Luno and realised that he was nervous about something.

This paragraph should be connected to the last one...The comma after crankily needs to be replaced with a period since the preceding quote qualifies as a complete thought. Also you forgot to capitalize she and that last comma needs to go.

"Hey, Fay!" he hissed, his ears twitching uneasily, "Something's wrong! Someone's coming and they don't smell friendly! Let's get moving, huh?" but it was too late. Fay could now hear the voices coming nearer from around the corner too, but before she and Luno could get out of sight, three people showed up. The girl froze; these men were dressed just like the thugs who attacked her family the other day.
"Oh, great..." she grit out when one of them glanced her way.

Again, that first quote counts as a full thought, so that second comma needs to become a period. The second quote is a full thought, too, so "but" needs to be capitalized. "The girl" needs to be replaced by her actual name and that last line needs to actually connect to the paragraph.

The very next second, hell broke loose. In an instant, they released two houndooms and a primeape and all three of the pokemon had a hungry look about them, as if they hadn't eaten in days. A nervous looking, scrawny little man stepped out from between the pokemon and demanded in a shrill voice:
"W-Who are you!?"

First off, traditionally Pokemon names are capitalized. Second, "two Houndooms and a Primeape and all three" has too many ands in it. Get rid of the second one in favor of a period and capitalizing all. The comma after "them" also needs to be removed. Nervous-looking needs a hyphen and the colon needs to go.

One of his colleagues rolled his eyes and grabbed him by the collar, yanking him backwards.
"Get back in formation you nit!" he snapped, practically tossing the slighter man back, "I'll handle this." He pinned Fay with a cold stare and his lips curved into a slight, bitter smile.
"Are you deaf, girl?" he demanded scornfully, "Kitty got your tongue? What are you doing here!?"

The first part is unclear. Whose collar? His own?

You keep doing the same things with complete quotes...

Fay took a shaky step back. her eyes scanning the surroundings for any means of escape. These men didn't seem to know she was a Longfellow, but she was in trouble all the same. She and Luno couldn't possibly outrun the houndooms or beat the fighting pokemon.
"I-I, uh...just got here." she stammered, "Um...wh-what happened to everyone?"

Capitalize "her" or replace the period with a comma. Again, capitalize Pokemon names.

From behind his superior's back, the scrawny man barked:
"We run this town now, little girl!" he dodged the stronger man's swat and piped down, as the leader took over and snarled harshly:
"Indeed. And you, my dear, are breaking the curfew."

The most quiet member of the trio decided to comment.
"If I may," he asked for their attention politely, "It might not be bad to bring her in. I believe it is safe to assume that she is one of Zephyr's associates. I'd like to remind you, Gots, that Benedict promised a handsome reward for any type of information about Zephyr's location."

Lose the colons for commas. And "he asked for their attention politely" is somewhat unnecessary.

Their leader - Gots, Fay assumed - smirked as he turned his attention to the girl again.
"Is that true, sweety?" he droned cynically, "Do you know where Zephyr is hiding? No? No matter, we have ways to make you talk. Primeape, get her!"

The strong pokemon flexed his agile limbs and took a step towards Fay, but then Luno sprang between them and growled:
"Paws off, uglyface!"

Jumped might be better than sprang...

The three men stared at the small pokemon for a second, and then they burst out laughing.
"Oh, no!" Scrawny hollered, "It's the THE EEVEE! Spare us from your wrath!" they roared even louder with raucos laughter.

So Scrawny is his official name? And there's an extra "the" there.

Fay glared at her pokemon, annoyance and worry mixing in her voice.
"What are you doing, you crazy pokemon!?" she hissed, "He'll bloody rip you to shreds! You can't go against the fighting type!"

Luno threw her a grim look.
"Gee, thanks for the newsflash." he growled edgily, "I've got one for you too: you suck as a trainer! Now give me an order so that I can blame it all on you later!"

Fay stared at him for a second, but there was no time to lose.
"Er-right...tackle him!" she ordered, pointing at the vicious fighting pokemon.

Luno glared at her in disbelief.
"Tackle him!?" he snapped in a slightly hysterical manner, "Tackle him!? How about I go bang my head against a wall! Think harder, genius!"

Fay flinched guiltily, realising he was right. She scanned the surroundings for a way they could possibly win. Then she glanced to the left and noticed that there was a flowershop window stretching next to where Luno was standing. An idea formed in her head.
"Luno!" she said suddenly, "We need to piss him off!"

How do windows stretch?

The little pokemon glanced at his opponent and took in the primeape's bloodshot eyes as well as the vein pulsating on the pokemon's forehead.
"No problem." he said shortly. The eevee jumped easily at the primape's head and took a biteful of thick fur, yanking it upwards. The fighting pokemon let out a spine-chilling shriek and started jerking left and right, blind with fury and oblivious of the orders his trainer was screaming at him.
"Hw-abt a bldy ordr!?!" Luno grit out with his mouth full of scruffy hair.

Again, capitalize Pokemon names...

"Uh...Good work!" Fay shouted, "Now jump on the windowsill and wait for my command!"

I seem to remember windowsill having only 1 l...

Luno spit out the sweaty fur with a revolted look and glanced over to where she was pointing. He grinned, eyes widening in comprehension.
"Oh, I get it!" he hopped off of the raging pokemon and landed softly on the window sill.
"Hey! Come and get me, you ugly stupidhead!" he taunted in a most obnoxious manner he could muster. Which was pretty abnoxious.

Combine the two into one paragraph, capitalize the "he" after the first quote, and misspelled the second obnoxious...

[/QUOTE]The primeape let out an enraged shriek and launched itself at Luno. Fay screamed:
"Now, dodge, Luno! Now!" The eevee lept away, but he couldn't avoid getting hit by the primeape's strong foot as the fighting pokemon crashed into the window, shattering the glass, spraying it all across the street. The hit sent Luno crashing on the glass-splattered asphalt road. Fay cringed in sympathy.
"Luno!" she gasped, "Hey, you okay!?"[/QUOTE]

Goes without saying...but the comma after glass needs to be replaced with "and" and the two sections need to go together.

The small pokemon pulled itself up, breathing heavily.
"Yeah...just knocked the air out of me. You should see the other pokemon."

Fay glanced towards the shattered wndowpane. She couldn't see the primeape, but there was blood on the glass spikes which were all that remained of the flowershop window. She felt a pang of guilt for the pokemon, but there was no time for regrets. She flinched when one of the attackers screamed at her:
"You little turd! My pokemon's useless now! Get her! What are you waiting for, you tossers, get her!"

Luno bristled his fur as the two houndooms dashed towards them,"Here they come, Fay!" he warned.

Period instead of that last comma. And how does one pull oneself up?

But the attacking pokemon never reached their targets. There was a powerful shriek in the sky as a violent rush of air knocked the fire pokemon and their trainers back. Fay grabbed Luno and shielded them both from the whirlwind of shattered glass flying around. When it was safe to look, she realised she was in the shadow of something huge. She looked up and saw a tallish boy around her age with mouse-brown hair, sitting on the back of an enormous pidgeot.

Some fixes in bold. Also that last comma needs to go.

Luno gaped at the awesome bird, his mouth wide open in shock.
"Whoa," he gasped out, "I'm smaller than that thing's nail!"

Remove ", his mouth wide open".

Gots was the first to regain his footing. He threw an odous glare at the boy.
"Zephyr!" he roared, "I'll get you this time! Get up, you idiots!"

Fay gaped at the boy in utter astonishment,"Zephyr!?" she croaked out.

Lose the last comma for a period. And combine the first two.

The boy rolled his eyes impatiently.
"Yeah, now will you get on, or not? I don't have all day!"

Combine these.

Fay glanced at the thugs and decided to make herself scarce before they recover from shock. She accepted the boy's outstreched hand and he pulled her onto the bird's back with surprising strength.

Recover needs to be past-tense.

"Vida!" he cried "Get us out of here!" The mighty pidgeot flaped her large wings creating another strong gust of wind and took off carrying two people on her back effortlessly. At the sudden increase of altitude, Fay yelped and wrapped her arms around the boy's waist. She decided she'll get all shy about it later, this was a matter of survival. Luno squeaked when he got pressed between them:
"Hey! Squashed pokemon here!" he cried.

Get rid of "creating another strong gust of wind" and add a "the" between carrying and two. Also, she'll needs to be she'd to match the tense of "decided" and the following comma should be a period/semicolon with matching capitalization.

Fay grit out: "If you don't want to become a splattered-on-the-pavement pokemon, you'd better shut up."

Zephyr glanced across his shoulder and shouted to outshout the whooshing sound of the rapid wind:
"What's that you said?"

Fay shouted back:
"I asked where we're going!"

Zephyr frowned slightly as he didn't quite buy that, but he replied anyway:
"To a safe place, but we've got to circle the town a bit so that they lose our trail. I'd say 'don't look down', but this is the best view you can get!" He winked with a smug grin and went back to navigating his pidgeot. Fay dared to cast a glance downward, but she shivered and pressed her face into the back of the boy's white fleece as she muttered:
"I don't think so..."

Like I've said before, don't put colons before normal quotes and don't seperate them from the previous lines.

Now get here 8/11!

 

[Ria]

Hey, this is so cool, everyone is pitching in! ^^ Thanks people, it means so much since there are ALWAYS some things I either miss, or just mess up due to ignorance, so any type of help really, REALLY means a lot ^^ Thanks again, everyone! >:)< <-/hug/

I'll go and fix everything right now ^^

To the fixomobile!
/batman tune/ tanananananananana BACKSPACEEEE! /batman tune/ ;)

 

[Alter Ego]

Well, not really, most of the world is geographically closer to UK than to USA, and yet, American English is more and more dominant. Why? Two words: "Friends" o.O; I thought there was a 'the' in there somewhere o.O;
Okay, one word, but you get the picture ^^

Did I mention that two of my English teachers are brittish and a third got her education in England? Nyah, I'm disgracing my mentors. Guess it's the internet's corruptive influence. xD

Hehe, looks like I'll beat AE to it this time! And I'm pickier...

Noooo! I'm being crowded! o.o Those are my nits, Icha! MIIINE! ;___; *Flails* Give em' back, ya' big meanie! Give em' back! Nah, just kidding, I'll handle whatever you missed, then. ^^

Fay threw a murderous glance over her shoulder.
"You never know," she retorted crankily, "Better safe than dead, if you ask me. Pipe down and let me take a look at this." she studied the map carefully, until she felt a small paw scratch her trouser leg. She glanced at Luno and realised that he was nervous about something.

"Better safe then dead"? Umm...what's better with ending up dead? That should be a 'than', I think.

The very next second, hell broke loose. In an instant, they released two houndooms and a primeape and all three of the pokemon had a hungry look about them, as if they hadn't eaten in days. A nervous-looking, scrawny little man stepped out from between the pokemon and demanded in a shrill voice:
"W-Who are you!?"

I believe a hiphon is needed for nervous-looking.

"Get back in formation, you nit!" he snapped, practically tossing the slighter man back, "I'll handle this." He pinned Fay with a cold stare and his lips curved into a slight, bitter smile.
"Are you deaf, girl?" he demanded scornfully, "Kitty got your tongue? What are you doing here!?"

Comma required after 'you nit'.

Fay took a shaky step back, her eyes scanning the surroundings for any means of escape. These men didn't seem to know she was a Longfellow, but she was in trouble all the same. She and Luno couldn't possibly outrun the houndooms or beat the fighting pokemon.
"I-I, uh...just got here." she stammered, "Um...wh-what happened to everyone?"

There should be a comma rather than a full stop after "step back".

From behind his superior's back, the scrawny man barked:
"We run this town now, little girl!" he dodged the stronger man's swat and piped down, as the leader took over and snarled harshly:
"Indeed. And you, my dear, are breaking the curfew."

No comma needed after "piped down" because of the 'as'.

Luno glared at her in disbelief.
"Tackle him!?" he snapped in a slightly hysterical manner, "Tackle him!? How about I go bang my head against a wall!? Think harder, genius!"

Nyah, "How about I go bang my head against a wall" is a question, so a question mark is in order here.

"Uh...Good work!" Fay shouted, "Now jump on the window sill and wait for my command!"

I'm confused...first you write window sill together, and next you write it separate. Separate it here for consistency.

The primeape let out an enraged shriek and launched itself at Luno. Fay screamed:
"Now, dodge, Luno! Now!" The eevee lept away, but he couldn't avoid getting hit by the primeape's strong foot as the fighting pokemon crashed into the window, shattering the glass and spraying it all across the street. The hit sent Luno crashing on the glass-splattered asphalt road. Fay cringed in sympathy.

Two 'ing's after each other don't look too good, replace the comma before the second one with an 'and', please.

Fay glanced at the thugs and decided to make herself scarce before they recovered from shock. She accepted the boy's outstreched hand and he pulled her onto the bird's back with surprising strength.

'recover' should be in past tense like the rest.

"Vida!" he cried "Get us out of here!" The mighty pidgeot flaped her large wings creating another strong gust of wind and took off carrying two people on her back effortlessly. At the sudden increase of altitude, Fay yelped and wrapped her arms around the boy's waist. She decided that she'd/she could get all shy about it later, this was a matter of survival. Luno squeaked when he got pressed between them:

Once again, you slipped into present tense here. Also, I believe that this instance calls for a 'that'. *Pokes corrections* The slash there means that there are two alternatives, not that you should write both with a slash in the middle, but you probably realized that. xD


Anyways, that's that as far as I can tell, and another dramatic escape for Fay. ^^ It was not quite as entertaining as Woopy's chapter, but enjoyable nonetheless. I'll just go wait for the next chapter then, shall I? ^^

 

[Ria]

"Better safe then dead"? Umm...what's better with ending up dead? That should be a 'than', I think.

She means checking left and right before crossing the streets, which Luno finds funny since the town is obviously deserted ;)

I believe a hiphon is needed for nervous-looking.


Comma required after 'you nit'.


There should be a comma rather than a full stop after "step back".


No comma needed after "piped down" because of the 'as'.



Nyah, "How about I go bang my head against a wall" is a question, so a question mark is in order here.


I'm confused...first you write window sill together, and next you write it separate. Separate it here for consistency.


Two 'ing's after each other don't look too good, replace the comma before the second one with an 'and', please.


'recover' should be in past tense like the rest.

Yes, oh king of nitpicks ;)

Spoiler:

Feelin' better? ;)

Once again, you slipped into present tense here. Also, I believe that this instance calls for a 'that'. *Pokes corrections* The slash there means that there are two alternatives, not that you should write both with a slash in the middle, but you probably realized that. xD

Did I? o.O; I could've sworn I corrected that o.O; Oh, well...me go fix. ^^

Anyways, that's that as far as I can tell, and another dramatic escape for Fay. ^^ It was not quite as entertaining as Woopy's chapter, but enjoyable nonetheless. I'll just go wait for the next chapter then, shall I? ^^

Yah, as you probably noticed chapters do tend to vary in quality a bit ^^ So far, my favourite of all is chapter X for some reason ^^ But I won't really know until I've finished the whole thing ^^

PS: Still havin' fun! ^o^

 

[Tyranita]

Hmmm i hardly ever pick up any spelling mistakes lol perhaps thats just my bad spelling or maybe im just reading what i want to read.
I want more... Feed my hunger with your delcious/brilliant story lol

 

[Forci Stikane]

...*Gives Alter Ego a tranquilizer* I never got my full post in (connection went crazy, so I got in what I could). You copied some of mine.

Well, now it's there.

*POST UPDATED*

 

[Ria]

/notices Ichapokemr's updated post/ EEEP @.@ /faints/

Gah...if I get vertigo because of you two nitpickers, YOU'RE paying for my hospital bills, I'll have you know :P

Hehe, just kidding, I really appreciate the help ^^

First off, traditionally Pokemon names are capitalized.

I know, but one of the other writters around here (I'm sorry, I don't remember which, but I'll check i promise) made a point, and I find it a good one, that pokemon names shouldn't be capitalised if we are using them to mark a species, not a personal name. So I'm kinda sticking to that and I'll give credit to whomever came up with it as soon as I find out who it was exactly :embarrass

Second, "two Houndooms and a Primeape and all three" has too many ands in it. Get rid of the second one in favor of a period and capitalizing all. The comma after "them" also needs to be removed. Nervous-looking needs a hyphen and the colon needs to go.

Check ^^

The first part is unclear. Whose collar? His own?

Ah, yes. ^^ My old 'who said/did what to whom' problem came back to haunt me ^^ I'll take care of it ^^

Capitalize "her" or replace the period with a comma.

Oh, dear -.- That's an actuall typo. ^.^;

And there's an extra "the" there.

Argh! What an annoying mistake ^.^;

Hmm :paranoid: HEY, LOOK OVER THERE! /fixes/

What? An extra 'the'? I don't see an extra 'the' /wistles innocently/

How do windows stretch?

That is a personification ^^; Dictionary example time!

stretch (SPREAD)
verb [I usually + adverb or preposition]
to spread over a large area or distance:
A huge cloud of dense smoke stretched across the horizon.
The Andes stretch for 7250 km along the west coast of South America.
Unsettled weather will stretch from the middle Mississippi Valley to the southern Middle Atlantic States.
The refugee camps stretch as far as the eye can see

I seem to remember windowsill having only l...

Hm.../checks/ Nope ^^ two. Why? Did I write it with one somewhere? o.O; I wouldn't put it past me ^.^; /go check/

Combine the two into one paragraph, capitalize the "he" after the first quote, and misspelled the second obnoxious...

Yessir! To fix and to serve! ^^

Goes without saying...but the comma after glass needs to be replaced with "and" and the two sections need to go together.

I see ^^ Good point, thanks ^^

Period instead of that last comma. And how does one pull oneself up?

O.o Oh, boy, that's a combo of pulling self together and getting up gone all wrong ^^ Thanks for pointing it out, I have a habit of merging expressions together like that without even noticing

Get rid of "creating another strong gust of wind" and add a "the" between carrying and two. Also, she'll needs to be she'd to match the tense of "decided" and the following comma should be a period/semicolon with matching capitalization.

Aha, I see. Okay ^^

Like I've said before, don't put colons before normal quotes and don't seperate them from the previous lines.

Ack, that's an unconscious transition from my own language, I'm afraid ^^ We have the 'He said:"______"' structure for direct speech, and while it's no excuse for messing up, it's surprisingly difficult to shake off o.O;

Phew...boy, that was long o.O; Incredibly useful, though ^^ Keep up the good work! >:)<

Oh, and,

Hmmm i hardly ever pick up any spelling mistakes lol perhaps thats just my bad spelling or maybe im just reading what i want to read.

Terribly sorry, first of all ^^ With all the messing up I did and the fixing, I didn't get to reply to your post straight away ^^ The thing is, /leans in conspiratorially/ I'm a quick fixer ;) But, don't tell anyone!
/realises she posted that on a public board/ D'OH!

I want more... Feed my hunger with your delcious/brilliant story lol

Aw, shux /ish embarassed/ Now I'm all shy an'stuff /shuffles feet/ Sure, I'll do my best ^^

EDIT:PS: Hm, something odd seems to have happened o.O; All the corrections I made yesterday according to Alter Ego's post are gone o.o And that means...NOOOOO! I've got to do it all over again! /bangs head against a pillow/ Aaargh, it took me hours yesterday! :'(

 

[Forci Stikane]

/notices Ichapokemr's updated post/ EEEP @.@ /faints/

Gah...if I get vertigo because of you two nitpickers, YOU'RE paying for my hospital bills, I'll have you know :P

Here's a quarter/shilling/whatever to call the ambulance. Lol.

I know, but one of the other writters around here (I'm sorry, I don't remember which, but I'll check i promise) made a point, and I find it a good one, that pokemon names shouldn't be capitalised if we are using them to mark a species, not a personal name. So I'm kinda sticking to that and I'll give credit to whomever came up with it as soon as I find out who it was exactly :embarrass

Ok, but they're specific Pokemon, not a group, so that doesn't really apply (it's treated like a proper name in this case).

That is a personification ^^; Dictionary example time!

stretch (SPREAD)
verb [I usually + adverb or preposition]
to spread over a large area or distance:
A huge cloud of dense smoke stretched across the horizon.
The Andes stretch for 7250 km along the west coast of South America.
Unsettled weather will stretch from the middle Mississippi Valley to the southern Middle Atlantic States.
The refugee camps stretch as far as the eye can see

I know it's supposed to be a personification, but it doesn't really fit in context.

Hm.../checks/ Nope ^^ two. Why? Did I write it with one somewhere? o.O; I wouldn't put it past me ^.^; /go check/

...My bad, I guess. Stupid memory playing tricks...

Ack, that's an unconscious transition from my own language, I'm afraid ^^ We have the 'He said:"______"' structure for direct speech, and while it's no excuse for messing up, it's surprisingly difficult to shake off o.O;

Oh, my bad. If it's really from your language then keep using it. I don't mind if that's the reason.

Phew...boy, that was long o.O; Incredibly useful, though ^^ Keep up the good work! >:)<

You asked for it ;).

 

[Ria]

Chapter VIII: People In Glass Houses

The massive pidgeot circled the place once before gently landing in front of an old building. It was in a rundown part of town, and in no better shape than the rest of the houses here. There wasn't a single intact window. Instead, people covered the square openings with cellophane and cardboard to keep the draft away.

Fay slided off of the bird's back as soon as it touched the ground and put Luno down. The eevee sighed a deep breath of relief.
"At last!" he gasped. "I wasn't going to say anything, but a minute more and I'd have been sick!"

Zephyr dropped on the pavement easily in a well practiced motion and called his pokemon back before turning to Fay.
"We weren't properly introduced, I'm Fred." he gave a slight half-grin as he extended his hand to the girl.

Fay accepted it with a quirked eyebrow.
"Fred?" she couldn't help sniggering. "What about 'Zephyr'?"

The boy grimaced.
"Oh, come on! You didn't think that was my real name, did you? I hate that! That's what people who are afraid of me call me."

Fay shook her head with a snicker.
"Well, in any case, I'm Fay." she said, Thanks for the help back there."

There was an annoyed voice at her feet.
"Hey! What about me!?" Luno barked indignantly. "I put my life on the line, you know! It's easy for this guy to prance around with his invincible pokemon!"

Fay rolled her eyes and picked him up.
"Sure, Luno." she huggled the pokemon who was trying to wriggle away from her,"You're my hero too."

"Wha- quit it, you nut!" the eevee barked. "Argh! Put me down!"

Fred frowned slightly, watching the little pokemon struggle.
"Yeah, I saw you fight from the air." he said. "I was circling the scene in case you needed help. You pulled it off great; I never would've thought an eevee could beat a full-grown Primeape."

Fay put Luno back on the ground and frowned a bit.
"Since when are things like this?" she asked worriedly. "Professor Willow didn't tell me anything when I left her place and I assume she'd know about something like this."

Fred threw her a guilty look.
"Well, it depends on when you left. Those thugs broke into my gym yesterday around noon. I wasn't there at the time. I was on the field, training with Vida. When I came back, there was nothing I could do. All my other pokemon were at the gym and there was just too many of them to take them on just with Vida. After they took over the gym, conquering the whole town was a matter of hours." he glanced around pensively."I've been flying around town, trying to get in touch with some..." he seemed to check himself as he finished the sentence carefully "Some friends who could help me take my gym back. The PokeNav network is dead, so I can't contact them that way."

Fay scratched her forehead.
"Well, that would explain why professor Willow hasn't called me to let me know." she sighed, "Geez this is even worse than if you were at the Gym..."

Fred eyed Luno suspiciously and the small pokemon glowered back at him.
"Er-I don't mean to sound arrogant or anything," he said carefully, "But...you wanted to challenge me?"

Fay glared at him.
"No." she retorted crossly. " I-uh...I just need access to the Sylph Hall of Fame."

Fred raised a single eyebrow sceptically.
"Well...that's kind of the same thing, isn't it?" he remarked politely.

Fay scratched her head pensively. How to explain this in short? She tried.
"Ah...look, I don't need my name in it, or anything. My family was kidnapped by the same people who took over your Gym, and my brother left a message for me in there which can help me find something that can help him." she paused, feeling a bit silly. That sounded even more ridiculous when she said it out loud.

Fred, however, seemed to consider her story seriously.
"Hmm... " he rubbed his chin pensively, "No one has gotten a Sylph badge for two years and running..." he looked Fay over, head to toe, especially studying her eyes, before his own, burgundy ones, widened in shocked realisation.
"Wait!" he gasped out, "Are you Eru's sister?"

Fay blinked.
"You-er...remember him?" she asked the question hesitantly, not really sure whether she should be proud or ashamed, since Eru was known to have caused a commotion or two in his days.

She relaxed a bit when Fred smiled and nodded vigorously.
"Of course I do!" he said cheerfully. "He saved my life two years back! That's why I gave him the badge in the end."

Fay flinched, staring at him in shock. That didn't sound quite right.
"You- you gave him the badge!?" she stammered, her surprise evident in her hazel eyes,"You mean...he didn't win it?"

Fred shrugged apologetically.
"Well...sorry, but no." he said, "He tried three times, but lost...why? Did he tell you he'd won?"

Fay was utterly confused now. She had always taken it for granted that Eru beat all of the gyms and that's how he got the badges. On the other hand, her brother wasn't really the type to lie about something like that. She tried hard to think back on the day that Eru gave her the news.
"Now that I think about it..." she said slowly, "No...no, he just said he had gotten the badge, he never said he won...now I understand why he didn't sound happy about it! He swore he'd beat you before he challenged the Elite Four, you know. He left to Mount Pearl to train there two years ago, and hasn't visited home since...well, until a few days ago, when he got abducted with the rest of my family..."

Fred sighed.
"I'm so sorry for what happened to you..." he said in the tone of someone who doesn't get it either and is worrying over it. "It's just that these guys are everywhere all of a sudden. I wonder what they're looking for."

Fay shook her head impatiently.
"Well, those guys who attacked my hometown made it quite clear that they want whatever it is that Eru had found. Look, I need to get inside the Hall of Fame to find the next clue...you have to know a way in, right?"

Luno cringed at that.
"Why'd you say that!?" he hissed. "Now he'll want to come along!"

Fred seemed to ponder the idea seriously.
"There is a secret way in." he mused. "But it might be dangerous. If only we can get inside unseen, we'd practically have our work cut out for us."

Luno eyed him suspiciously.
"Hey, what's with the 'we' business!?"

Fay glared warningly at her pokemon, before looking up at Fred.
"Look, we need to get in there and so do you." she stated. "I'm sure we can sneak in, if you come and show us the way. I mean, it's your gym, you must know how we can get there unseen."

The boy watched her carefully for a long moment, before he gave in with a sigh.
"All right...we'll give it a shot. I've been planning to sneak in to get my pokemon back, anyway."

Fay grinned appreciatively.
"Thanks! You heard that, Luno? I'll finally get to see what message Eru left for me!"

***


When it finally got dark, Fred led Fay and Luno through a maze of narrow back streets, towards his Gym. It was obvious he knew the port town very well. As they walked, he laid out the plan.
"We'll get in through the puzzle maze. Usually it's for challengers, but this time it will come in handy for us. You see, the trick is that there's a secret entrance which leads to a separate part of the maze, leading to the room in which I keep my pokeballs. That part of the maze can't be reached from the main entrance so even if they find out we're there, and they probably will, they won't be able to follow us."

"It's odd that we haven't run into anyone yet." Fay said nervously. "I wonder where everyone went."

"They got cocky." Fred said disdainfully. "They think that all they have to do to keep in control is to defend the Gym. Let me tell you something, though, the Sylph Gym is a fort in its own right, but no one can exploit all of its advantages except me...and they're about to find that out the hard way."

When they finally came out into the wide main street, Fay froze in her tracks, gaping at the huge building that presented itself in front of them. When he caught up, Luno did the same. Fred grinned at her awestricken face and presented proudly:
"Welcome to the Sylph Gym!"

It took a moment for Fay to recover from shock caused by the awesome sight.
"It-it's...it's made out of...glass!?" she rasped out, "The whole thing!?"

Luno squinted.
"I can see all the way to the other side!"

Fred's chest swelled with pride.
"Well..." he tried to sound modest, "Not glass, exactly...glass would be much too weak. This stuff is much sturdier. It was my idea, really. But-er..." he snapped out of it. "We don't have time for lessons in structural design. Let's go inside, I'll show you why my maze is so famous."

As They made their way towards the transparent building, Fay looked around for a door, but all she could see was the same, smooth surface. The building was well lit on the inside, and it was a remarkable sight, glowing a bright, clear light in the utter darkness of a besieged town. Fay could even see some guards on the higher floors, but she knew that they couldn't see them because it was so dark outside. That would change, she knew, once they were in the maze. Speaking of which...

Luno's voice echoed Fay's thoughts.
"Say, we should be able to see that 'fabulous' maze, shouldn't we? All I can see is an empty ground floor."

Fay was inclined to agree. Fred had told her that the maze was on the first floor, but all she could see, through the transparent walls, was what was on the other side of the Gym.

Realisation slowly came to her, and she whispered as she stared at the seemingly empty space:
"Transparent walls! The walls are...invisible!"

Fred glanced at her over his shoulder and nodded.
"Good thinking!" he complimented her. "That's right, not only are the walls transparent, but I also had them cut in such a way that you couldn't tell they're there no matter from which angle you look...you should see it during the day. You can stand in the very middle of it and feel like you're outdoors. Ah yes, the door..." He pushed against a place on the wall that looked the same as any other to Fay, and it opened.

Fay was about to go in, but she noticed that her guide was hesitating.
"What's the matter?" she whispered.

Fred looked down at Luno, and then back up at her.
"Maybe you ought to call him back...it might get crazy in there and he's pretty small."

Luno jumped slightly.
"Wha-what!?" he yelped. "Oh, come on, Fay, he doesn't know what he's talking about! You need me, right? I can be quiet, and-and I can smell anything anywhere! Come on, don't coop me up in that thing!"

Fay bit her lip and then she sighed.
"He'll be okay outside, Fred. Besides..." she smiled at her pokemon a bit, "I wouldn't feel safe if he wasn't with me, right Luno?"

The pokemon stared at her in shock, before he puffed his chest proudly.
"Yeah! Glad you're thinking for a change!"

Fred shook his head, but there was an odd look in his claret eyes as he sighed.
"Fine...but stay close, all right? And don't panic, even if they spot us. They won't be able to reach us until we get to the second floor, and even then it'll take them quite a bit, since they don't know this place very well."

Fay had to take a deep breath before she nodded slightly. She and Luno followed their guide into the transparent building.
"Stay close, Luno." she whispered.

The eevee glanced upwards where they could make out guards moving.
"No problem." he muttered back. "This sucks...if just one of them looks down for just a moment, we're done for."

Fred led them with confidence and swiftness. Fay almost had to run to keep up with his long strides. He walked without any hesitation, as if he had passed this labyrinth countless times. He didn't even touch the glass walls to make sure he hasn't missed a turn or a curve; he just walked like the walls were visible and clearly marked.

After a minute or so, the alarm went off; one of the guards above must've spotted them and roused the others. It was a wonder it took them that long, honestly, when all they had to do was to look down. Fay could hear the sudden explosion of many heavy footsteps on the floor above. She could also see the guards pooling to the maze entrance, shouting curses and threats at them.

"Fred, this is bad, they are waiting for us at the exit!" she warned her guide, but he just glanced at her over his shoulder with a confident smirk.
"Yeah...that's what they think, anyway." he chuckled. "We're not going toward that exit...just follow me, this is a special path toward the room where I keep my pokeballs." He nodded towards the far left corner and Fay could just make out the pokeballs which seemed to be suspended in mid-air.

Fred chuckled.
"They haven't figured out how to get there yet...and the walls are too sturdy to break through. Those are my strongest pokemon, my elite team. If we get to them okay, we've got nothing to worry about."

Luno growled.
"Hey and what am I? A paperweight?"

There was no time to argue, however. Once the guards realised that the intruders were going for the pokeballs and not the exit, they started pouring into the maze in large numbers, seeping into each passage.

When she saw a group bursting in through the secret entrance that they had left open, Fay gasped out.
"We won't be able to go back this way!"

The boy cast a glance over his shoulder.
"Don't worry!" he shouted back. "We won't need to. The pokeball room goes directly to my study and from there into the main hallway. We can take them on one by one there!"

They reached the room while the thugs were still struggling around the beginning of the maze. Fred picked up the pokeballs and clipped them all on his belt.
"Alright!" he laughed "I've been feeling naked without these!"

Fay gave him a pointed look.
"Well, now that you're not, can we get out of here?"

Fred sniggered lightheartedly.
"Sure. Follow me." he strode to the outer wall, turned to the right, and just started climbing air...or that's what it seemed like.

Fay moaned with annoyed disbelief.
"You've got to be ribbing me...invisible stairway?"

Her guide just shrugged with a smirk.
"Watch your step..."

Luno eyed the long way up and shifted uncomfortably.
"Say Fay, would you mind-er..." Fay sighed and picked him up before she took the first few shaky steps up.

When their pursuers saw that they were heading upwards, they began scrambling upstairs too, since they'd all pooled into the maze. After a few steps, Fred suddenly burst out laughing and stopped Fay.
"Look!" he pointed to the labyrinth entrance, "You have to love them! Now they're struggling to get out, and they're just in the beginning!"

Fay glared at him.
"Don't get cocky, all right?" she warned grimly, "These guys have a way of turning the tables on you when you least expect it!"

The boy sniggered.
"We'll see." he said perkily. At the very moment they reached the top of the stairs, some thugs crashed through the doors at the other end of the long hallway.

Fred turned towards them smugly.
"All right...time to play. Fay, this might get ugly so you go ahead to the Hall of Fame. Just keep your left hand on the wall and go on in that direction, when you reach the door, that will be the Hall of Fame. I'll play with these boys here."

The girl hesitated uncertainly.
"Are you sure, Fred?"

He wasn't listening to her, though. Instead, he went about releasing his pokemon now that he had enough room for it.
"Let's show them, everyone!" with a loud swoosh, out of the pokeballs came a group of large, flying pokemon. From what Fay could gather, there was a pidgeot, Vida, then a skarmory, salamence, pelipper, tropius and a huge charizard.

Luno gaped at the powerful pokemon, before he croaked out.
"I think he'll be fine, Fay! Let's get going!"
They made a run for it, Fay keeping her hand on the left wall like Fred told her to, when a guard with a geodude cut them off.
"Not so fast!" he practically screamed at them.

Fay froze in her tracks.
"L-look." she stammered, "We're not looking for trouble, okay?"

The guard turned red with fury at that.
"Oh, nooo." he shrieked sarcastically, "You just bloody brought it with you! I'll get you, you little brat! Don't think I don't know who you are. You're that Longfellow girl! Benedict is looking for you, and I think I'll make him happy today!"

Luno bristled his fur and growled shortly.
"Not likely!" he grit out, "Fay, I'll take care of him!"

But the girl stopped him.
"No, wait!" she glared at the geodude. "You can't hurt a rock pokemon much. This is a job for our blue friend...go Woopy!"

She tossed the pokeball, and the little blue pokemon landed on the ground with a delighted 'Woopa!'. When she saw the geodude, she started dancing happily, at the very thought of being in a battle. Fay stared at her for a second, before she sighed.
"Oh, well...when were my pokemon ever normal? Okay, Woopy, let's throw that rock!"

"That was lame..." Luno interjected jadedly.

"Water Gun!" Fay ordered, determined to keep at least a bit of dignity. Woopy made a little pirouette before she fired a jet of water at the rock pokemon. Fay had to admit it was a nice hit, even with all the flashiness. It knocked the geodude out cold.

"All right, Woopy!" Fay cheered, and then she glared at the thug. "Is that all you've got!?"

The poor guy seemed miserable.
"Well...yes." he whined pitifully.

Fay flinched guiltily.
"Oh. Well...we're going, then! And-er...get a decent job, okay?"

She called Woopy back, and she and Luno made it for the Hall of Fame. They burst through the large doorway and, at first, Fay saw nothing special about the room, but then she spotted it: rows and rows of large glass panels with words carved on them. The first one dated almost a hundred years back. Luno gaped at the mammoth room in shock.
"How are we supposed to get around in here!?"

Fay scratched her head.
"Well..." she said, "They're chronological, aren't they? Let's look for the most recent ones. Eru was the last person to have won the badge, so he'll be at the very end."

Fay started searching the glass tablets at the farthest end of the room, but she didn't have to look very far. Her brother's panel was the largest of all, taking up almost the entire north wall and it was made out of a different material than the others. As she stared at the huge, almost wall-like tablet which had her brother's face carved into it with lifelike perfection, Fay whispered:
"Whoa...he's got the place of honour and a crystal panel. I wonder how he earned it."

Luno tilted his head curiously.
"Well, Fred did say he'd saved his life, so- ack, what are you doing!? There's no time for this! What does it say!?"

Fay flinched guiltily.
"Oh, yeah." she squinted so that she could make out the ingraved words, and read out loud:

"A quote by Eru Longfellow, the honourable Sylph Gym member:
"I owe this honour to my little sister, Fay.
These words I leave to her to read and understand when
she wins the honour of being here herself...which I know
she will, someday. Fay, to describe what you mean to me:

'I'd need to know the very words
uttered to create the songs of birds
The same ones you'd need to say
to have a perfect ending of a perfect day
The precisely matching ones, in fact,
to create the very thing for bliss you lacked...""


Fay paled and said shortly:
"I've seen enough, let's go!"

Luno found himself a bit shocked as he glanced between her and the tablet.
"What the- did you even read all of it!?"

Fay smiled a bit and shook hear head, her voice strangely muffled.
"No...if I did, I'd get all mushy right about now. I know what it says, anyway." she paused and then added quietly, "And I know where we need to go next."

She started to leave, but then she turned and looked up at the carving of her brother's face, and whispered:
"I'll get you home, Eru...all of you. Just wait for me."

They arrived back to where they left Fred, just in time to see his Salamence finish off the last of the attacker's pokemon. When he saw her and Luno approach, he smiled and waved.
"Hey, good timing! Finished your business?"

Fay nodded.
"Yeah..." she said quietly. "You?"

He grinned and waved his hand across the defeated thugs being rounded up by his pokemon.
"As you can see." he said proudly. "These guys won't be any trouble and my people are on their way back."

He winked and added:
"I've placed into motion a network that never dies. By tomorrow, the whole town will be free."

Outside, Fay could hear the flapping of hundreds of pidgey's wings.


To be continued: Sylph has dealt with the crisis, but what did the attackers want? The message Eru left for Fay seems to have a special meaning for her. Will we find out what it is? And what is her next destination? How will she get there, and who will she meet on the way. She might find out something of great importance... Read in the next chapter:"Seaman's Tales"


Weee! I finally finished posting it! ^^ Alrighty then! Next part coming up in exactly one week, that is to say on Friday 18th of August ^^ See ya then! And, probably before then too ^^ o.O' Er-yeah.

EDIT: Phew...close one :paranoid: I hope no one saw that :paranoid: