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Pokemon: Reign Of Shadows

Bobpie

|~The Aipom Lover~|
176
Posts
16
Years
  • This fanfic is rated G.

    The chapters may seem short to you, but that's what I do.

    Hope you like it, here it is!

    -Prologue-

    On a breezy Saturday morning, a weary 12-year old boy with coal-black hair started his journey full of friends, enemies, and Pokemon. It was 6am in the morning when Terry climbed out of bed and started his journey through mystery.


    -Day One-
    -Today-

    Terry headed down the stairs of his Hearthome City apartment, still dressed in his night black pajamas to get breakfast ready for him and his Pokemon. He had to cook six poffins.
    He had a poster on the wall to remind him what poffin flavours everyone likes. Dry poffins for his mom's Combee and Himself, Sour for his Buizel, Bitter for his dad and his Starly and Sweet for his mom.

    He took the appropriate berries out of the fridge and placed them on the table. His dad had told him never to use the poffin cooker that was brand-new, it had a malfunction with the temperature controls and now cooks at such a high temperature that the poffins always burn. Instead every morning he has to use the old one, with parts added on from an old Pokeblock machine from Johto. He got the bag of poffin base out of the cupboard and started to mix it in with the Miltank milk and a dollop of honey from his mom's Combee.

    After the poffins had finished cooking he went upstairs and retrieved his Buizel, who was napping on his bed.

    "Tailer!" he called.

    His energetic Buizel immediately woke up, rushed down the stairs and cleverly sniffed out it's sour poffin, swallowing it whole. Terry headed into his room and put on his sky blue top, and ice white trousers. He then went downstairs, looked at Tailer, then bit into his poffin. After Terry had finished his poffin he put the remaining poffins in the fridge, and yelled,

    "Bye Mom! Bye Dad!" without realizing that they were still asleep.


    |~~~|~~~|


    He grabbed his dark green backpack and rushed out the door. It was now 7:30, and he was meant to meet his best friend Brett at the Hearthome Pokemart half an hour earlier. He ran across the paved bricks towards the Pokemart. When the automatic sliding doors opened he instantly headed towards the magazine section, for he knew that Brett would be reading magazines to pass the time away. Brett was sitting on a retro-style white chair reading the latest edition of the 'Sinnoh Now!' Magazine. It had a picture of Sara the Sunny Cherrim, the biggest Pokemon celebrity in Sinnoh.

    "Hi Brett," Terry said.

    "What's Up?".

    "The Sky." Brett said sarcastically.

    Terry sighed, and Brett went back to is magazine. "How's Chubby going?" Terry asked. Brett's puffy brown Bidoof with beady eyes appeared from behind the chair and called,

    "Bidoof!", as if to say "Hi Terry!".

    Terry bent down and was about to pat Chubby until Brett stated,

    "Don't touch the 'Doof."

    Chubby stared at Brett with cute little beady eyes and then noticed the was a lady giving out free mini-poffins to the customers' Pokemon and ran in that direction.

    "It's not the next Sara the Cherrim you know." said Terry.

    "It has cuteness, goofiness and love for it's trainer. What else does he need to be the next Pokemon celebrity? Feathers and Capes?" He chuckled.

    "Um, YEAH?!" Said Terry.

    "Whatever." Brett said.

    "So, what were we going to do today?" Said Brett.


    "First we were going to head to Pastoria on your Drifblim and have a game in the marsh, then go to the Seven Star Restaurant, then head back to Hearthome and try our luck in the Pokemon Contests, and then hang out and battle some wild Pokemon."

    "Well why didn't you say so!" said Brett rushing out the door.

    "I did..." Terry chuckled to himself. "Come on Chubbs," he said to Chubby, who was munching a piece of Sweet poffin.

    "Bidoof!" Chubby happily said, running up to Terry and jumping into his arms.

    Terry left the Pokemart with a smile.


    |~~~|~~~|


    After Terry had exited the Pokemart, he saw Brett already waiting on Bloony, his Drifbilm. He got a a Pokeball out of his bag.

    "Chubby, come back!" He threw the Pokeball at Chubby, who was devoured by the ball. "You and Chubby are such Slowpokes!"

    "No, you're a speedy Pikachu." exclaimed Terry.

    "Thanks." "Anyway, get on Bloony."

    "Drif Drif!" called Bloony.

    "I could always ride on Splashee, more room for you..."

    "Your Pelliper? Well, if you want to. Meet me outside the Safari Game."

    "OK, Go Splashee!"

    "Pelliper!" chirped Splashee.

    When Terry looked towards where Brett was, he had already taken up into the skies on Bloony. Terry jumped on Splashee.

    "Splashee, Fly to Pastoria!"

    Terry took off into the never-ending blue.


    |~~~|~~~|


    Brett was waiting outside the Safari Game, as planned, wit Chubby nestled in his arms. He looked up and saw Splashee swooping down to the ground. He let Chubby down on to the ground. Chubby ran to the area directly below where Terry and Splashee were flying, eagerly waiting for them to land. They landed right next to Chubby, who ran away in fright.

    "Hey Brett," said Terry, jumping of Splashee and returning her to her Pokeball.

    "Ready to enter the Safari Game?"


    "Sure," said Brett. But why not have a battle first?"

    "OK, let's battle!"


    "I'll send out Toxigas, my Toxicroak!" said Brett.

    "And I'll start with Rockcrush, my Rampardos!"

    "Easy, use Brick Break Toxigas!"

    "Ouch... Keep going and use Ancientpower!"

    They kept on battling while a shady figure with a red hood was watching them.

    "Look at those fools. Those who do not use them, must face the power of those who do."

    "Kerrick!" yelled a passer-by.

    "Quietly, Tyranitar. We don't want to frighten them."

    He let a huge beast made of shadows free from the ball.

    "Tyranitar! Stone Edge!"

    Terry looked around and just caught a glimpse of the beast before the stones surrounding him swept him of the ground, leaving him unconscious.

    "Return." he said, his voice forever chilling the hearts of those who heard.
     
    Last edited:

    Alter Ego

    that evil mod from hell
    5,751
    Posts
    18
    Years
  • -Prologue-

    On a breezy Saturday morning, a weary 12-year old boy with coal-black hair started his journey full of friends, enemies, and Pokemon. It was 6am in the morning when Terry climbed out of bed and started his journey through mystery.

    Umm...dude, there's no point whatsoever to calling this a prologue. It's nothing but a lumped description of your character (A description which should by all rights be within your first chapter) There's no establishing of mood for the fic nor any creation of expectations for things to come. Just because you're using the word 'mystery' it doesn't make this feel even the least bit mysterious. How to say...there's no point. No, there aren't any specific length requirements for prologues, but they are still required to have a point, and I'm sorry to say yours doesn't. So Terry (how did we make the jump from 'boy' to knowing his name, anyway?) is going on a journey? Big whop. I see no reason why this information couldn't have been conveyed in the first chapter. Prologues are typically used to convey (or hint at) some piece of information that doesn't really fit in with the beginning of the story but which is important to give early on nonetheless (typically, the prologue begins to make more and more sense as the fic progresses), but there is no such content here. Hence, this 'prologue' serves no purpose. Just delete it, unless you're ready to make a big revamp. :\

    Terry headed down the stairs of his Hearthome City apartment, still dressed in his night black pajamas to get breakfast ready for him and his Pokemon. He had to cook six poffins.

    His apartment? Pardon me, but isn't Terry twelve years old? How the flip does he own an apartment at that age? x.O Incidentally, poffins are pastries, dessert-type pastries. Making a single one your breakfast seems seriously odd. o.o

    He had a poster on the wall to remind him what poffin flavours everyone likes. Dry poffins for his mom's Combee and himself, Sour for his Buizel, bitter for his dad and his Starly and sweet for his mom.

    Terry isn't God; hence his 'he's shouldn't be capitalized. You've also got random caps on 'bitter' and 'sweet'.

    He took the appropriate berries out of the fridge and placed them on the table. His dad had told him never to use the poffin cooker that was brand-new, it had a malfunction with the temperature controls and now cooks at such a high temperature that the poffins always burned. Instead every morning he has to use the old one, with parts added on from an old Pokeblock machine from Johto. He got the bag of poffin base out of the cupboard and started to mix it in with the Miltank milk and a dollop of honey from his mom's Combee.

    'burned' rather than 'burn' here. I'm also missing some actual description of his home here. What does the kitchen look like? What does the machine look like? What is Terry like? What are his emotions this fine morning? Heck, is it even a fine morning? Description, description, description; the poffins really aren't interesting enough to hog description space from everything else. :\

    His energetic Buizel immediately woke up, rushed down the stairs and cleverly sniffed out it's sour poffin, swallowing it whole. Terry headed into his room and put on his sky blue top, and ice white trousers. He then went downstairs, looked at Tailer, then bit into his poffin. After Terry had finished his poffin he put the remaining poffins in the fridge, and yelled,

    Okay, let's assume that I'm not familiar with the franchise here. Instead of just saying 'Buizel' describe the Buizel for me. Again, I'm missing the emotion here; what is Buizel like personality-wise? (just saying 'energetic' really isn't telling me much) Give proper description of Buizel's actions and mannerisms (heck, is it even a he or a she?), give some reaction from Terry. What is his relation with Buizel like? Do they like each other or not? Let's see some of that interaction. The sudden jump from feeding Buizel to changing clothes (without any kind of narrative bridge in between) just seems odd.

    "Bye Mom! Bye Dad!" without realizing that they were still asleep.

    This sentence just doesn't work. Take the 'yelled' (That term has some pretty negative connotations (associations) for such an announcement) bit and place it between the quotation and "without realizing...".

    He grabbed his dark green backpack and rushed out the door. It was now 7:30, and he was meant to meet his best friend Brett at the Hearthome Pokemart half an hour earlier. He ran across the paved bricks towards the Pokemart. When the automatic sliding doors opened he instantly headed towards the magazine section, for he knew that Brett would be reading magazines to pass the time away. Brett was sitting on a retro-style white chair reading the latest edition of the 'Sinnoh Now!' Magazine. It had a picture of Sara the Sunny Cherrim, the biggest Pokemon celebrity in Sinnoh.

    Again, description, description, description. What do the streets of Hearthome look like as he rushes through them? What is the pokémart like? It seems sort of bizarre how we get to know the chair Brett is sitting in and the look of the magazine his holding but basically nothing about the store they're in. o.O

    "Hi Brett," Terry said.

    "What's Up?"

    "The Sky." Brett said sarcastically.

    Terry sighed, and Brett went back to is magazine. "How's Chubby going?" Terry asked. Brett's puffy brown Bidoof with beady eyes appeared from behind the chair and called,

    "Bidoof!", as if to say "Hi Terry!".

    Again, describe the pokémon instead of just giving a name. Again, the current split just doesn't work. Replace "and called" with a full stop, then add something like "the pokémon called" after the quotation. You also need to change the "with beady eyes" bit, because with the current wording Terry is asking something with beady eyes. In other words, his eyes (as opposed to Bidoof's) would be the beady ones.

    Terry bent down and was about to pat Chubby until Brett stated,

    "So, what were we going to do today?" Said Brett.


    "First we were going to head to Pastoria on your Drifblim and have a game in the marsh, then go to the Seven Star Restaurant, then head back to Hearthome and try our luck in the Pokemon Contests, and then hang out and battle some wild Pokemon."

    You've got a redundant line of empty here; clear that up. I also find it odd how Terry is just dictating the whole of the day's program like this. Is Brett a mindless drone or what? x.O The notion of a twelve-year old and his buddy just waltzing in to have a meal in a seven-star restaurant also seems unlikely.

    "Well why didn't you say so!" said Brett rushing out the door.

    'Said' and exclamation marks really don't look good together.

    "No, you're a speedy Pikachu." exclaimed Terry.

    "Thanks." "Anyway, get on Bloony."

    Umm...there's no need to create a new quote in there unless you've got some written description in between.

    Brett was waiting outside the Safari Game, as planned, with Chubby nestled in his arms. He looked up and saw Splashee swooping down to the ground. He let Chubby down on to the ground. Chubby ran to the area directly below where Terry and Splashee were flying, eagerly waiting for them to land. They landed right next to Chubby, who ran away in fright.

    'With', not 'wit'.

    "I'll send out Toxigas, my Toxicroak!" said Brett.

    "And I'll start with Rockcrush, my Rampardos!"

    "Easy, use Brick Break Toxigas!"

    "Ouch... Keep going and use Ancientpower!"

    Again, description, description, description. What do the pokémon look like? How does it look when they attack? What are the battlers' emotions like when they face off? And how the flip does some random kid get their hands on the evolved form of a prehistoric pokémon? x.O


    They kept on battling while a shady figure with a red hood was watching them.

    "Look at those fools. Those who do not use them, must face the power of those who do."

    "Kerrick!" yelled a passer-by.

    "Quietly, Tyranitar. We don't want to frighten them."

    He let a huge beast made of shadows free from the ball.

    "Tyranitar! Stone Edge!"

    Terry looked around and just caught a glimpse of the beast before the stones surrounding him swept him of the ground, leaving him unconscious.

    "Return." he said, his voice forever chilling the hearts of those who heard.


    Again, I'm not feeling it. Not to mention that this has got be almost as random as the decision to battle in the first place. Instead of immediately declaring the species, give us a description of what's happening. Take your time, build up the mood. Is little red riding hood here supposed to be scary? Because I'm not feeling it; he just seems weird and random to me and all I know about his appearance is a red hood. o.O Why the flip does he just attack a pair of random kids like that? And come to think of it, how much does a Stone Edge do to Bastiodon (Godly Defense and rock resistance) anyway? I'm just not convinced.


    Overall, this fic is far too rushed. I've barely gotten to know these characters and they're already getting spontaneously attacked by the big bad? I'm sorry, but after reading the first chapter I just don't care about what happens to Terry or Brett at all, and if they're supposed to be in mortal peril now (a situation where I should be caring about them) then that's not good for the fic. I'm just missing the human aspect here completely. The only one who has displayed even a remote resemblance to personality here is Chubby, and his too is rather limited. The events of this chapter also have very little logical coherence and just don't make much sense as a whole. Really, take your time and describe. Let us get to know your characters before plunging them into mortal danger. Let us care about them. Build up the bad guy's reputation before having him make his move. Let the characters meet some lesser villains and drop hints about the bad guy, maybe an occasional glimpse into the sort of thing he does, before moving on to direct confrontation.

    Your pokémon characters also need a lot of work. As mentioned, each every one of them except for Chubby is a complete and utter pokébot (the mindless drone pokémon who blindly follows all orders while repeating its name every once in a while) and the fact that you have fully evolved ones isn't helping. Give them personality, give them feelings, give them a history. They're characters just as surely as the humans, and even though they may not be able to communicate in the same way, they should still get to express themselves. Chubby is a good enough start, but expand upon it. Give the others some love too. And really, let's be realistic: are Toxicroak and Bastiodon the kind of pokémon that your average twelve-year olds carry around with them? Just...you're cramming way too many largely unrelated things into this chapter. Also, the dialogue between Terry and Brett - I'm sorry to say - sounds far too mechanical and not at all like two friends talking. Again, personality; the only place I really saw any of that was when they discussed Chubby as the rest was very generic and impersonal. Think speech patterns, give use mannerisms and other details.

    As a whole, the chapter also needs more of a point. Since it's an opening chapter, I'd say limit the actual actions in the chapter and take your time with introducing the characters instead. The plot will be much more interesting if your readers can relate to the characters.

    I won't lie to you; this fanfiction needs a lot of work. You've got some good points, but most of it is just generic to the max and you have some grammar issues as well. Three links you should really check out:

    Grammar Advice, Basic Pokémon Writing FAQ, and the Pokémon Fanfiction Writing Guide. To be honest, anyone writing fanfiction should read these three at least once.
     
    Last edited:
    777
    Posts
    16
    Years
    • Seen Mar 11, 2023
    One thing I don't quite get is how the "prologue" (which is really not much of a prologue at all) leads onto a story with two trainers owning evolved Pokemon. It starts with the reader thinking that the main character is a new starting trainer (and that this will be a normal journey fic), but then he sends out a rare and powerful Rampardos after flying to a far-off city on a Pelipper. We need an explanation of how a trainer who is just starting his journey can have evolved and strong Pokemon. Having a Buizel is understandable, as it is small and easilly tameable, but he wouldn't start off with a fossil-generated and evolved Rampardos or a Pelipper that obviously has been trained before to use Fly.
     
    464
    Posts
    16
    Years
    • Seen Sep 3, 2008
    -Prologue-

    On a breezy Saturday morning, a weary 12-year old boy with coal-black hair started his journey full of friends, enemies, and Pokemon. It was 6am in the morning when Terry climbed out of bed and started his journey through mystery.

    Just what is this? That's not a prologue. A prologue is what happened before the story takes place - not what'll happen in the story. I would advise you to edit that out completely.

    Terry headed down the stairs of his Hearthome City apartment, still dressed in his night black pajamas to get breakfast ready for him and his Pokemon. He had to cook six poffins.
    He had a poster on the wall to remind him what poffin flavours everyone likes. Dry poffins for his mom's Combee and Himself, Sour for his Buizel, Bitter for his dad and his Starly and Sweet for his mom.

    He took the appropriate berries out of the fridge and placed them on the table. His dad had told him never to use the poffin cooker that was brand-new, it had a malfunction with the temperature controls and now cooks at such a high temperature that the poffins always burn. Instead every morning he has to use the old one, with parts added on from an old Pokeblock machine from Johto. He got the bag of poffin base out of the cupboard and started to mix it in with the Miltank milk and a dollop of honey from his mom's Combee.

    After the poffins had finished cooking he went upstairs and retrieved his Buizel, who was napping on his bed.

    "Tailer!" he called.

    His energetic Buizel immediately woke up, rushed down the stairs and cleverly sniffed out it's sour poffin, swallowing it whole. Terry headed into his room and put on his sky blue top, and ice white trousers. He then went downstairs, looked at Tailer, then bit into his poffin. After Terry had finished his poffin he put the remaining poffins in the fridge, and yelled,

    "Bye Mom! Bye Dad!" without realizing that they were still asleep.

    Ok, I like the whole idea of the poffins but you have to describe the characters, I mean, if I was an alien and you said:
    His energetic Buizel immediately woke up, rushed down the stairs and cleverly sniffed out it's sour poffin, swallowing it whole.
    That would tell me something about the Buizel (that it's hungry) but it wouldn't tell me what the Buizel is. That's where discriptions come in.

    He grabbed his dark green backpack and rushed out the door. It was now 7:30, and he was meant to meet his best friend Brett at the Hearthome Pokemart half an hour earlier. He ran across the paved bricks towards the Pokemart. When the automatic sliding doors opened he instantly headed towards the magazine section, for he knew that Brett would be reading magazines to pass the time away. Brett was sitting on a retro-style white chair reading the latest edition of the 'Sinnoh Now!' Magazine. It had a picture of Sara the Sunny Cherrim, the biggest Pokemon celebrity in Sinnoh.

    "Hi Brett," Terry said.

    "What's Up?".

    "The Sky." Brett said sarcastically.

    Terry sighed, and Brett went back to is magazine. "How's Chubby going?" Terry asked. Brett's puffy brown Bidoof with beady eyes appeared from behind the chair and called,

    "Bidoof!", as if to say "Hi Terry!".

    Terry bent down and was about to pat Chubby until Brett stated,

    "Don't touch the 'Doof."

    Chubby stared at Brett with cute little beady eyes and then noticed the was a lady giving out free mini-poffins to the customers' Pokemon and ran in that direction.

    "It's not the next Sara the Cherrim you know." said Terry.

    "It has cuteness, goofiness and love for it's trainer. What else does he need to be the next Pokemon celebrity? Feathers and Capes?" He chuckled.

    "Um, YEAH?!" Said Terry.

    "Whatever." Brett said.

    "So, what were we going to do today?" Said Brett.


    "First we were going to head to Pastoria on your Drifblim and have a game in the marsh, then go to the Seven Star Restaurant, then head back to Hearthome and try our luck in the Pokemon Contests, and then hang out and battle some wild Pokemon."

    "Well why didn't you say so!" said Brett rushing out the door.

    "I did..." Terry chuckled to himself. "Come on Chubbs," he said to Chubby, who was munching a piece of Sweet poffin.

    "Bidoof!" Chubby happily said, running up to Terry and jumping into his arms.

    Terry left the Pokemart with a smile.

    Ok, so now there's a couple of new characters being introduced. One problem - you need to describe them. You can't just say. I ran to Joe's house and then we went outside. That just doesn't work. Yet again, decribing your characters is a key factor here.

    After Terry had exited the Pokemart, he saw Brett already waiting on Bloony, his Drifbilm. He got a a Pokeball out of his bag.

    "Chubby, come back!" He threw the Pokeball at Chubby, who was devoured by the ball. "You and Chubby are such Slowpokes!"

    "No, you're a speedy Pikachu." exclaimed Terry.

    "Thanks." "Anyway, get on Bloony."

    "Drif Drif!" called Bloony.

    "I could always ride on Splashee, more room for you..."

    "Your Pelliper? Well, if you want to. Meet me outside the Safari Game."

    "OK, Go Splashee!"

    "Pelliper!" chirped Splashee.

    When Terry looked towards where Brett was, he had already taken up into the skies on Bloony. Terry jumped on Splashee.

    "Splashee, Fly to Pastoria!"

    Terry took off into the never-ending blue.

    What's a Pikachu and a Pelliper? I know, but an alien wouldn't. But I guess this paragraph worked its part to, we now know that Terry obviously isn't a new trainer at this if her has a Pokemon that has learned Fly. Unless he is a new trainer and you have decided to break all logic...

    Brett was waiting outside the Safari Game, as planned, wit Chubby nestled in his arms. He looked up and saw Splashee swooping down to the ground. He let Chubby down on to the ground. Chubby ran to the area directly below where Terry and Splashee were flying, eagerly waiting for them to land. They landed right next to Chubby, who ran away in fright.

    "Hey Brett," said Terry, jumping of Splashee and returning her to her Pokeball.

    "Ready to enter the Safari Game?"


    "Sure," said Brett. But why not have a battle first?"

    "OK, let's battle!"


    "I'll send out Toxigas, my Toxicroak!" said Brett.

    "And I'll start with Rockcrush, my Rampardos!"

    "Easy, use Brick Break Toxigas!"

    "Ouch... Keep going and use Ancientpower!"

    They kept on battling while a shady figure with a red hood was watching them.

    "Look at those fools. Those who do not use them, must face the power of those who do."

    "Kerrick!" yelled a passer-by.

    "Quietly, Tyranitar. We don't want to frighten them."

    He let a huge beast made of shadows free from the ball.

    "Tyranitar! Stone Edge!"

    Terry looked around and just caught a glimpse of the beast before the stones surrounding him swept him of the ground, leaving him unconscious.

    "Return." he said, his voice forever chilling the hearts of those who heard.

    You are doing it again! What the Hell is a Tyranitor and a Toxicroak? Descriptions, and you didn't even say they were Pokemon either! They could be some humans with really weird names for all I know.

    Ok, I'll leave it with that - there's a bit more you can work on but I'd advise you to work on the descriptions. If you have any questions feel free to PM me!
     
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