View Full Version : The Elite

January 28th, 2008, 7:16 PM

You know the kind of trainer you pass on your journey, your eyes meet, you battle them, and defeat them with relative ease? Well that’s Masaru.
A fourteen year old boy, trying to be, like countless others, a “pokemon master”.
Masaru grew up in Celadon City, a metropolis of commerce in the Kanto region. He was given his first pokemon by his father Takashi, a Great pokemon trainer, who has accomplished much in his years of travelling
The world. Masaru seldom saw his father but on his tenth birthday, his father returned home and gave him a small, timid Eevee.
Like most trainers Masaru keeps his first pokemon outside its poke ball, and with him at all times.

Masaru is small for his age, a mess of thick brown hair reaches just bellow his ears and often covers his dark blue eyes.
He resembles his father a great deal, except in strength and confidence.

In the four years Masaru has travelled Kanto with his Eevee, he has tried to find the reason, why isn’t he getting any stronger? Why cant he win a solitary badge?

He now has a small team of smart pokemon with a lot of potential, just waiting to be unlocked.
Masaru captured his first pokemon, Nidorino just outside Celadon, and after a rigorous battle in viridian he obtained a Charmander.
Not too long after that, just outside Mt. Moon, Masaru was swindled into buying a useless Magikarp for $500 dollars.

His pokemon have an undying loyalty to him, which Masaru returns.
He has never blamed his inadequacy on his trusting pokemon.

After a mysterious letter from his father, of whom he has not heard from in three years, he follows its instructions and heads for Jhoto, a region to the west…

January 29th, 2008, 10:25 AM
well it wasn't bad, but it wasn't very good either. The prolgoue is meant to sell me the story and I'm not feeling comeplled at all to read the next chapter or any other after that, try using more descripted language and going into more detail, you only seemed to write notes so far, no points where expanded, the sentance structure was poor their wasn't much life at all. Take your time, and try and expand on all the points etc. good luck with your first chapter

January 29th, 2008, 12:52 PM
It is a decent start for a story. There are a few problems though. For one, it skips from him getting his first pokemon to four years later. Nothing happened in those four years? He didn't win one badge and only got three other pokemon? It just doesn't seem likely that it happened like that.

There's only a few spelling mistakes: travelling should be traveling and bellow should be below.

Also try to go into a little bit of detail with the battles. If his Eevee is timid, how did he beat a Nidorino. I mean just give a little more description to bring the reader to visualize a little more.

Other than that, I think it can become great, just work a little harder for description.