View Full Version : Gofre's poetry thread

El Gofre
March 23rd, 2008, 4:18 AM
Hi all, I have decided to start up a poetry thread. Not for any particular reason, just because i used to write a lot so I thought I'd try again. Not in mood for a big emotional poem, so we'll start with something fun.

Haiku, Entitled Welcome

Welcome to my thread
It will soon be full of the
Nonsense in my head

Ok ive decided to organise poems into categories. For now here's my first, a haiku entitled Doves. I have to go but i will add a commentary about each poem when I get back and have time.

Words fly out like doves
Once so innocent and pure
That time is long gone
Crimson drips like dew
But the leaves from which it falls
Lament its descent.

Keeping Pace
Time flies, it's a pity we can't keep pace,
Towers rise up, we all just fall from grace.
Humans I mean, a species so frail,
Together we work, divided we fail.
All humans need answers, something to blame.
"Why feel guilty? I'll just shift the shame!"
These scapegoats we make, from lies and deciet,
Are idols you worship, you pray at their feet.
Those heavenly lords, once so revered,
Are all long gone, now that they are feared.
Religion matters not, but your actons do,
Don't blame your Gods, only you control you.
Our world has grown up so tall and so fast
We better keep up, if it is to last.

This is not the traditional sonnet. While this keeps to the correct structure (10 syllables a line, 14 lines total), it is not the proclamation of love you'd expect. However, this is not a narrow-minded attack at religion either. This poem is my view on humanity and the way it percieves religion and itself. Wars are started over religious disputes. Ssuch disasters like the holocaust have been triggered through for people's distorted views of other religions, and their own. This poem is basically saying that no matter which religion is right or wrong, at the end of the day humanity has its free will. We are to blame for what we do, and we cannot blame anything for our own or other people's actions. Civilisation has come so far, yet humanity has not kept up, instead it is stuck in an age of paranoia. I have deliberately made this poem sound childlike, to mimic the thoughts of those it is based on.

Room revolves around my head
Not in control of what is said
The sights and sounds just overflow
I start to wish I too am dead

My eyes are shut, nowhere to go
My stomach swells, again I throw
My throat it burns, too much to bear
My eyes open, the lights they glow

That ghost she grabs, my clothes and hair
Recognise not this suit I wear
That man he takes my soul away
I don't resist, I know it's fair

My senses burn on the next day
My friends are faced the other way
I think about last night and smile
I risky game that was to play

This poem has a dual meaning for me. Taken literally (And you can do so if you want) then it is about a drunken saturday night I spent slouched in the corner, talking to people i did not know. That was the initial idea. However, halfway through writing this poem I realised how relative this was to the last year of my life, the year i left school and finally had freedom to do whatever i wish. Now back in full time education, I feel even more out of place than I thought possible. Yet at the end of it all I'm enjoying my self, which is all that maters.
Structurally, this freeverse is done in the style of Stopping By a Woods On A Snowy Evevning, by Robert Frost (Google it or one of my posts has a link, about halfway down). It has the rhyme scheme AABA with the B from the previous stanza becoming the A in the next one. I picked the pentameter specifically for this poem, initially to show how much better everything flows when "intoxicated". However, as the poem developed i saw how the rhythm created mimics the repetition and pattern my life has fallen into.
This is my favorite poem so far, as it has allowed me to get my feelings out. Take it figuratively, take it literally, I take it both :)

melod.ii ous demyx~♪
March 24th, 2008, 5:54 PM
83 I'm excited you made this thread~ <33
n_n I can't wait for you to post your sonnet, but!
I liked your Haiku alot.

;-; Words are usually always unclean once they leave your head. It's really true~
So good work with that. I thought it was deep ^^

Ah, I'll come back and give you better feedback. D:
But do keep writing~

El Gofre
March 25th, 2008, 5:18 AM
Yay someone actually likes it :)
Thanx for the interest, I should have the sonnet finished soon.

March 25th, 2008, 7:41 AM
Gofre writes DEH Potreies!!>!>

Well, now thats over with, I kinda like the Doves one. You have to read it multiple times to get the true meaning, very nice [/borat].

Now I'm no expert at poetry.... or even an apprentice, but I still think that this thread will have a lot of good poems (I am waiting for the next one >.<). Nice work!

El Gofre
March 25th, 2008, 8:28 AM
Hehe thankyou very much, im glad that people like what I'm doing. I'll commentary to Doves will be posted soon.

My sonnet is up, entitled Keeping Pace. I dont know how people will percieve it, I hope that the posetive side of it can be seen.

March 25th, 2008, 2:59 PM
That sonnet is amazing, id really like to read more work from you =]

El Gofre
March 25th, 2008, 3:43 PM
Aha thanks dude, it really means a lot to me that people like what im writing. I dont actually think I'm that good, so support is nice. However if you dont like it please say, I dont wanna be getting on my high horse :)
I working on another poem, inspired by Robert Frost's Stopping By Woods On a Snowy Evening (http://www.ketzle.com/frost/snowyeve.htm), which is my favorite poem of all time. It follows the same scheme (AABA, with the B in the first stanza becoming the A in the next one), with the exception of the last stanza, which instead of being AAAA maintains the AABA to keep the rhythm going. However the tone is much darker, but im pretty confident i like this one. We will see, it's not done yet. I'll leave you with the working title; Snakebite (Not to be taken literally)

Thankyou very much for your support everyone :)

March 26th, 2008, 3:17 PM
I do a lot of writing myself, and I can tell you this, that sonnet is one amazing piece.

I completely agree with you on our free-will as humans, and not to blame religion, etc, for our faults.

So yea dude, if you got anything else, I'd like to see it, because that's some pretty incredible stuff right there.

El Gofre
March 27th, 2008, 10:54 AM
Whey thankyou man, always good to get some support :)
My freeverse will be up soon, possibly tomorrow. new title though; Leanne

March 29th, 2008, 5:14 PM
it seems very child like to me. don't mean to sound offensive, but i feel you need to push the boundries a bit, approach poetry from a different angle, yet taking on traditional rules...

El Gofre
March 30th, 2008, 3:01 AM
If you had read the commentary, you would know its meant to sound childlike. I wanted the tone of the poem to represent how childish the main themes are. I also did not want this poem to flow, as I thought that pentameter would make readers concentrate more on the rhythm than the poem itself. I appreciate the criticism, but it was deliberate.

EDIT: Next poem up soon, just need to get my computer back from being fixed.

The Confuzzler
March 30th, 2008, 4:21 AM
nice thread can't wait for the next poem!!!!

im gonna think of a poem and then post it hmmm...

anyway thanks for putting this up! :)

The Confuzzler
March 30th, 2008, 4:47 AM
ok got one!

i really really like this thread
i think it's very neat
so when someone posts a poem..
i'll try to get the beat!!!
so how was that? :)

Midori Chi
March 30th, 2008, 4:58 PM
Both the haiku and sonnet were wonderful! X3

The haiku was beautiful and full of pretty imagery.

The sonnet was very deep. I felt the rhythm get off a few times, but most of the rhythm was great. Great rhyming, too. My favorite part in it was ,"Humans I mean, a species so frail,Together we work, divided we fail." I feel a "cool"ness in it. I got like a feeling of excitement from it or something. I can't describe it....XD

Anyway, please continue writing! You're very good! =D

El Gofre
March 31st, 2008, 2:46 AM
Ah thankyou very much for your support guys, the next poem will be up when i get my computer back from maintenance, which is hopefully tomorrow :)

The Confuzzler
March 31st, 2008, 6:30 AM
ok cant wait good luck on the next poem dude!

El Gofre
April 1st, 2008, 4:51 AM
New poem up, hope you enjoy it.
Oh and it may still be edited, I am yet to get my computer back so this was not the finalised version.

The Confuzzler
April 1st, 2008, 7:28 AM
Let me be the first to say that Freeverse was AMAZING! honeslt great job dude!

El Gofre
April 1st, 2008, 1:18 PM
Hehe thanks very much. However im not fully satisfied with it now it's posted, and am currently drafting some changes

Midori Chi
April 1st, 2008, 1:20 PM
Ha, what an interesting way to tell a story. xD Loved it!
The rhythm was much better~ I liked the simplicity of it. : 3

El Gofre
April 6th, 2008, 2:37 AM
Sorry havent had my computer for a few days so havent had a chance to update. Thanks Midori, and yeah the main reason i picked this was for the rhythm.
New poem up soon, ill get writing :)

The Graceful Assassin
April 19th, 2008, 3:52 PM
really nice sonnet u have great skill with all ur writing.

El Gofre
April 22nd, 2008, 12:38 PM
Thanks very much assassin :)
My apologies for neglecting the thread, exam season is here and i have very little time to write. Im working on something but it's coming about slowly, hopefully it will be done soon. For now a little haiku. It's quite depressing, but it's been a bad week. I've noticed my poetry is to serious, ill write some happy stuff soon :)

April 22nd, 2008, 12:41 PM
I like your pace of rythm. Very nice!!