Mitsuki_SOS
Seeker of Shinies (SOS)
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- Seen Aug 12, 2009
I decided to cancel the story. :P Sorry.
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Tales of the Chosen (PG-for violence)
- Thread starter Mitsuki_SOS
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Who Replied?JX Valentine
Your aquatic overlord
- 3,277
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- Harassing Bill
- Seen Aug 19, 2020
What will happen next?
I could answer with a cheeky reply, but you're new here.
In any case, you may want to be wary about the following:
1. The cliched new trainer story. See, most new trainer stories tend to have an original character setting out in a great big world on their trainer's journey with their Pokemon partner by their side. These characters almost always end up involved in some incredible plot that usually entails the main character being the Chosen One who's destined to save the world from certain destruction at the hands of either an evil team or one or more legendary Pokemon. If your story fits this description, then you'll really need to work hard to make your story stand out. Otherwise, it'll be slotted as any other OT story, maybe even compared to ones that might have done it better (like Pokemon Rebirth).
2. The Mary Sue. These characters, if you don't know already, are over-the-top characters, usually gifted, blessed, or otherwise special in one way or another. They're usually one-dimensional (i.e. without a believable personality or developed characterization) figures that result in the author trying to make them seem more interesting by piling gifts and special traits onto the character. A better definition, if that's not clear enough, is on Wikipedia, which is oddly well-done for a Wikipedia article. (As in, I highly recommend reading it.)
The reason why Mary Sues are bad is, well, because they usually don't work. *shrug* As I've said before, the author usually replaces things like personality and developed characterization with gifts and special traits, which is a lot like making a hollow doll with glitter all over its face. It just doesn't quite look right at the end. So, instead, you'll want to be very careful and pay a lot of attention towards making the character believable and human -- someone the reader can definitely imagine meeting on the street. That's just a matter of getting into the character's mind and remembering how the character would logically react to every situation thrown at them (if not avoiding the title of Chosen One altogether).
That said, I'm not sure what else you want us to say with regards to this story. I wish you luck with it, but other than that, it's just a summary. We really can't make too many other comments on it.
I can tell you, though, that I'd rather read the story than the summary because I'm really hoping that the above two points don't apply here. (I really wouldn't know, however, because I haven't read your work. *shrug*)
Mitsuki_SOS
Seeker of Shinies (SOS)
- 4
- Posts
- 15
- Years
- Seen Aug 12, 2009
Oh...wow. o_O Thank you for telling me that! ^^ I couldn't post the prologue on here last night because my internet stopped working. *mutter, mutter* Stupid computer....
Other than that, I was planning on putting it underneath the summary. I'll go ahead and edit it and put it underneath the summary now.
Other than that, I was planning on putting it underneath the summary. I'll go ahead and edit it and put it underneath the summary now.
JX Valentine
Your aquatic overlord
- 3,277
- Posts
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- Harassing Bill
- Seen Aug 19, 2020
In that case, a review. Apologies if any part of it seems blunt.
For a heads up, whenever you start a new paragraph, hit the enter key twice. This isn't for aesthetics, really. It's actually because having a long block of text makes the reader more likely to lose their place or be intimidated by the large amount they have to read. The harder it is for your reader to read something, the more your message is lost. So, in order to get the reader to focus as much as possible on the story you want to tell them, you want to make the story as well-written as possible so it's easy for them to read. That way, they won't have to worry about anything else.
That said...
Be careful with commas. Notice how the parts before and after the first one (i.e. the one after the first "usual") are their own sentences? That means what you're looking at is actually a run-on, so you'll want to either put a period where that comma is or somehow rearrange your words to form a compound sentence.
Personally, I think repeating the words "the usual" creates a sense of redundancy -- a feeling of repetition that just trips up the reader. You may want to reread this passage (aloud) to see what I mean and to figure out how to phrase things so that your description goes a bit smoother.
Somehow, I get the feeling you might be a fan of Eragon.
Side notes aside (where they probably should be -- excuse me for the pun), you may want to be careful about using the thesaurus to figure out what to say because as beautiful as your description is, losing your reader to an odd mental image isn't good either.
That said, I'm not sure how wind can expose itself to danger, much less how this describes any sort of movement.
Unless the sun literally scuttled under a dome made of grass, you may want to back up and talk about the horizon instead.
While "vacillated" can mean "to waver," it's usually a reference to either one's own opinions or the way one physically moves. Imagine a drunk man walking, and that's essentially what vacillating usually means. Alternatively, imagine Senator Clinton's opinion on anything, and that's also what vacillated usually means. (Too soon for that joke?)
Long story short, it very rarely (if at all) means fading in and out or dispersing through the air, either of which you probably actually mean.
Between. In-between usually refers to condition -- like neither hot nor cold but in-between. Between, meanwhile, can simply mean a place.
Since you already said that it had a small and weak figure, repeating the fact that it's rather small so soon is a little redundant.
So... basically... smaller than small?
(Basically, yeah, it's another case of redundancy.)
Into the dimmed outside. In implies it's already there (which would then make it odd for it to launch itself to a place it's already in), but into implies that it is not quite there but is in the process of going there.
Also, isn't it currently asleep?
Since you say that it's sniffing the air earlier in the sentence, saying it again later is, again, a bit redundant, which adds a little dryness to an otherwise decent description. You may want to rephrase this somehow.
This is actually a compound sentence. You can tell by replacing the "and" with a period and reading both of the new sentences individually. Notice how both sides make sense on their own?
So, what you'll need is a comma just after "excitement" (and just before the conjunction -- in this case, and) to indicate that it's a compound.
You really can't follow a location because a location, unless it's literally moving, usually is stationary. What you can do, however, is follow the scent (or aroma or what have you to avoid redundancy), which you may want to point out instead.
First off, this is actually a misplaced modifier. See, whenever you put a dependent clause like this one after a comma, it's actually modifying the first noun or pronoun in front of said comma. In this case, the clause refers to whatever "it" is -- in this case, the location. So, right now, you're basically stating that the location is swaying from side to side.
Second, since you already state that Celebi is tracking down the scent earlier in the sentence, it sounds awkward to repeat the notion.
For the third time, apparently.
As opposed to a plastic one?
On the serious side, sometimes, it's okay to leave off an adjective or use another one if the one you're thinking of would be a little, well, obvious.
This would be another compound sentence. You can try the tip I gave you earlier to verify, but in the end, you'll need a comma after "full," which would be the end of the first sentence.
You can actually get away with dropping the "so." Leaving it in adds one unnecessary beat to the sentence, which in other words, makes the sentence sound slightly awkward. If you'd like to see what I mean, try reading the passage aloud.
Because of the use of the word "planed," I'm right now imagining someone throwing a plank of wood onto Celebi.
Seriously, though, again, you'll want to be careful about the words you use. Rather than be vague, it's a good idea in this case to be specific. Say cubical or describe the trap. Or, better yet, just say it's a cage.
Also, isn't Celebi in a tree by now? "As soon as it did so" implies it's actually reached the tree.
Uh, you may want to rearrange this sentence. Read it aloud, and you'll see what I mean. That many parentheticals (or phrase that don't necessarily have to be there in the sentence but are there for clarification) all over the sentence make it sound choppy and generally overdramatic, as if it's being spoken by Captain Kirk just before he dies. ("I was… stabbed in the heart… can't go on…") So, yeah, it's hard to take a choppy sentence seriously.
It can, however, be fixed if you think of a way to remove the parentheticals (especially "startled") and smooth out the sentence.
Again, it's a good idea to avoid using the thesaurus to figure out what you want to say. While "spineless" does mean "frightened" or "scared," it's usually an insult that refers to the cowardly nature of a person or living being. A cry can't be spineless, and I should certainly hope the Pokémon itself isn't either (unless you really hate Celebi that much).
Right now, you're implying that Celebi is literally echoing through the air. This, unfortunately, conjures many odd mental images, so you'll probably want to rephrase this so that you're actually saying its cries are echoing through the air.
A sphere is actually a noun or verb, not an adjective. You'll probably want to trade it for "spherical" (which is an adjective) or simply drop either "sphere" or "capsule."
Another reason why being vague when it comes to description is a bad idea: it leads to incorrect mental images. As you know from before, when I read the word "planed" and "holed" and "wiring," I automatically thought of a cage, rather than a net. If you had said "net" earlier, then there would probably be less confusion.
That sort of thing is the kind of thing you'll want to avoid. While description is good, confusing the reader isn't so much. If you're going to use description, you really need to work hard to make it as clear and precise as possible, and when in doubt, just say what the thing is for the reader's benefit.
First off, the part about the man chuckling isn't actually indicating that he's speaking, so it's not actually a dialogue tag. For that reason, you should replace the commas with periods because you really are breaking off sentences.
Second, to chuckle is to laugh softly. You can't chuckle and laugh loudly at the same time, so you'll probably want to rephrase that.
I would suggest replacing the word "showed" with another word, possibly "arrived." Just saying they showed implies they've appeared from out of nowhere.
Tip: If you want to switch between scenes or times, just do it and describe when and where it's happening in the first paragraph of the new scene. Don't do it in a time or setting title like this because it's just jarring for the reader.
Another tip: Don't switch from first person to third person. Just don't. Either tell the story completely in first person or completely in third. Otherwise, we get the sense that the speaker is omniscient because of the third-person scene, or we get smacked in the face by the sudden appearance of the word I. If the earlier scene was in first person, then you may want to think about how the speaker everything that happened in said earlier scene that she wasn't actually around for.
While this might be in-character for the character herself, it's a bit awkward as a sentence. Try reading it aloud to see what I mean. You can't really let your body not get too sweaty. If it sweats, it sweats. You can, however, prevent your body from getting too sweaty.
As you've said before, which makes this a bit redundant.
Unless the jacket was literally lit up by neon gas, you may want a different adjective here.
Another case of "it's in character, but you'll still want to read it aloud to see if it's awkward."
Gangly actually only refers to a body, a little like muscular can only refer to the way a body is built. Similarly, gangly means "tall and awkwardly built," which actually refers to the way a person looks and can't actually refer to an article of clothing or other inanimate object.
Not so much a case of "in-character but still read" as it is a "please read" moment. If you read this aloud, you'll notice that everything after the comma seems a little awkward, as if it's missing something. And, in fact, it actually is because this action wants to be its own sentence but is, instead, tacked onto a shorter action. So, what you'll want to do is:
A. Add "as" at the very beginning of the sentence and turn "falling" into "fell."
B. Add the word "and" just after the comma.
Again, sometimes, saying something simply is better than trying to come up with a more complicated way of saying things. In this case, "did a few intake of breaths" is actually awkward. You're better off just saying "as she breathed."
Also, try not to start consecutive sentences with the same word. It produces a choppy feeling, which, as I've said before, can be jarring for a reader.
I'm not sure if you did this intentionally or not, but you may want to just use "apologetically" instead of an entire dependent clause. (In which case, you'll want to drop the comma too.)
If you don't, then you'll want to replace "inside" with "on." Nothing can really be written inside something, so the clause makes no sense if you leave it as is.
1. Breathing really doesn't have a tune unless there's something seriously wrong with your respiratory system. It does, however, have a rate.
2. Even then, why not just say "catching her breath"? Again, sometimes, it's better to say something simply.
Since "shrinking" refers to a physical appearance, you can't really shrink a tone. You can, however, lower it, given that "lowering" is a vaguer verb that can also refer to volume.
It's a bit awkward as is. You may want to drop the comma and simply turn "angry" into an adverb – "angrily."
Even then, we can tell she's angry, so it's not really necessary to have the word there at all. In many cases, it's better (and more believable) if you simply let the characters' words and actions express their emotions, rather than adjectives and adverbs. That way, the reader will be able to visualize the expression more than they would if you simply told them that a character is angry. It's an odd phenomenon, but imagine the difference between being shown a red vase on a white table and being told there's a red vase on a white table. You can see the red vase on the white table easily if you're actually allowed to see it without commentary, but if you're told it's there and nothing else, you're left with vague mental images as to what the vase and table actually look like.
…She thinks it's a good idea to steal a Poké Ball containing a Pokémon in bad condition from a hospital? Regardless of whether or not it's Team Rocket who left it, that still seems… rather low.
Not only that, but while I understand it's a hospital, I'm surprised no one else in the building alerted the authorities or anything that notorious gangsters had just waltzed in.
Read this aloud as well, and you'll notice it sounds awkward. You'll want to rephrase this so that the part about Renee slipping it into one of the pockets doesn't sound like it's trying to contradict the tense of the rest of the sentence.
I should say so. How did she even manage to get close enough to a batch of injured or ill Pokémon in a hospital to steal one? I would imagine there's decent enough security in a Pokémon Center where the actual Pokémon are concerned.
Because you state in the sentence before this one that Lynette ushered Renee over to the trees, it's already implied that they've moved to that location. You don't need to say they're doing it again.
This actually isn't a question. It's a statement, and you can tell by the fact that Lynette is actually stating that she's wondering, not actually asking what's inside it. So, you'll want a comma instead of a question mark.
Side note, but yes. "Poké Ball" is canonically two words. You can look it up in the game to verify.
Uh… At the risk of being anal, this sounds like it's about to explode. You may want to look at the anime or other forms of canon to see how Poké Balls are opened to avoid this kind of mental image.
"Scalene" usually applies to cones and triangles, not to balls and beams. So, right now, you're conjuring bad memories of geometry classes and attempting to determine the area of a triangle with three uneven sides.
In other words, again, you may want to go for a simpler description.
This is actually awkward tacked onto the end of a sentence describing the beam, so you'll want to start a new sentence. In general, the rule of thumb is when you stop describing the subject in the main part of the sentence, start a new one instead of trying to lengthen the old one.
That must be one dirty Pokémon.
"Skimmed" refers to one of several things when it's a noun:
1. A thin layer of film (as in, slime) on the surface of a liquid.
2. A thin layer of mortar.
3. Skim milk.
4. Something that is skimmed off the surface of a liquid.
5. The act of skimming something off the surface of a liquid.
It most likely doesn't actually mean… whatever you're trying to use it as here.
This would be a run-on sentence (or would at least appear to be so). You'll want to just break it off and form a new sentence.
And even then, as I've said before, a vague description usually isn't a good idea. Rather than say specks of darker shades are coiling over a few parts, state what shades they are, what parts you're talking about, and what you mean by "coiling" (because right now, you're conjuring the image of spiral patterns all over this Pokémon).
Of its head. You can't really poke out onto anything.
The horns had soft red eyes?
Which really doesn't actually mean much to the readers because there's all kinds of different dinosaurs out there. You'll want to be specific.
While this is in-character, if you want her to speak correctly, switch "Renee" and "me." First-person pronouns never go before other nouns.
You keep saying "alarm and panic," but it's actually a redundant cliché. The two words mean the same thing, so you just have to say "expression of alarm" or "expression of panic."
That aside, remember what I said about the red vase earlier? Rather than tell us that an expression of alarm crossed her face, try describing this expression so we can see it.
Another compound sentence. Try the tip I mentioned earlier here.
Why is the Nidorina vicious towards Renee and suddenly curious towards Lynette?
Right now, you're implying that the Nidorina has all these features and are using them to examine Lynette. What you'll want to do instead is figure out a way to describe the main character without actually doing so in this sentence. Besides, it feels as if you've just pulled the description out of nowhere, which sort of dulls down the suspense of the moment.
Comma after "no." This is an introduction word.
The more I read the narration, the more I feel as if this story isn't being told by a eight-year-old. Even though the character may be telling this story in the future, you still have to remember that, in first person prose, you need to maintain a character of some sort. Otherwise, you can just switch out the pronoun I with the pronouns he, she, and it, and you'd get the same effect (which defeats the purpose of writing in first person).
This would be a run-on. You can tell by replacing the period with a comma and finding yourself with two sentences that make sense on their own.
So, just leave the period in there, and you should be fine. However, whenever you want to insert a comma into a sentence, try the "replace it with a period" test to make sure you're not writing a run-on.
Because you have a comma right after her name, you're not finishing a sentence at the end of the quote. So, you need to keep the word "the" lowercase. Otherwise, you're capitalizing in the middle of a sentence, as if the quotation marks aren't even there.
Again, "in-between" means more or less either a moderate condition or indecisive. What you want here is "between."
Renee's not exactly the brightest crayon in the box, is she?
That said, I don't know. I feel as if this question seems a little forced and unbelievable because what Lynette's doing is fairly obvious. I just find it odd that Renee's not catching on or at least questioning whether or not it's true.
Either Kora is completely ignoring them, or she seems nonchalant about the fact that a human being can understand her. Not only that, but doesn't she find it odd that Lynette is barking at her too?
Why is Lynette not freaked out about the fact that she can understand Nidorina?
"You do, after all, speak Parseltongue."
Usually, objectively when it refers to a person means to be unbiased. It doesn't actually mean stubbornly or indifferently.
Well, considering the fact that no one saw Renee sneak off with it in her arms in broad daylight…
As a note, while there's been one episode of the anime to contradict this, it's usually a given throughout the rest of canon that Pokémon can understand humans (but most humans can't understand Pokémon – or just any Pokémon, anyway).
Comma after "well." This is also an introduction word, so you need to separate it. To give you a better definition, you may want to look at OWL at Purdue's guide to commas.
At this point, I'll just stop pointing out this error, but yeah, you do it a few more times in the rest of the chapter.
And she's perfectly fine with it.
Despite the fact that she was essentially kidnapped?
Erm, natural defense mechanisms like this happen because the victim senses danger. As in, Kora would have known that they're not dangerous and then decided not to raise her barbs, not figured out that they're not dangerous because she didn't raise her barbs. It's a lot like saying you figured out that someone was bad because you punched them in the face.
Then why was she having a hard time pushing through them if there's a clear path?
Usually, to spar means that you're actively moving, going through the motions of a fight. It doesn't mean that you're standing still in a ready position.
And your readers feel jarred by those last three sentences.
On the serious side, as I've said before, starting consecutive sentences with the same word tends to force the narration to drag, so you end up losing some of your suspense by the time you're done.
And they didn't notice Kora's howl earlier?
Since "one shouted" is a dialogue tag, you're not ending the sentence with the quotation mark. Instead, you're associating the part in the quotation marks with the dialogue tag, which means, simply, the dialogue tag is just another part of the sentence.
In other words, don't capitalize the first word of a dialogue tag that occurs after its respective quote unless the word is a name. And if that's confusing, OWL has a guide to that too.
It's already implied, so you'll be beating your reader over the head with the emotion if you leave this in. It's better to just take it out and let the quote speak for itself.
Usually, the heart sinks whenever one experiences a moment of disappointment or sadness. Fear, the heart would jump in the throat or seize.
Old chips are hollow?
Also, you'll want to only use analogies that fit with the tone of the scene. Comparing something to an old chip causes the reader to smile in amusement when this scene isn't supposed to be funny.
They took an oddly long time to pack up Celebi, if the beginning of the scene occurred simultaneously with the earlier one.
How did Lynette know this?
1. There's a group of them. Why didn't one just break off and intercept Lynette?
2. Even though Team Rocket grunts aren't the brightest bulbs in the bunch, they're securing a legendary Pokémon. Somehow, I don't think they're just going to toss it, especially when a eight-year-old girl is starting for them.
Reread this sentence aloud. Notice how it's awkward? The reason why, as I've said before regarding other sentences like this, is because you're cramming too much into a short space. This is an attack – one launched by a legendary Pokémon at that. You'll want to spend more time describing it, using more than one sentence to do so.
Continuing from above, yes, you'll want to extend the effects too. Why didn't Celebi just use an attack earlier if, apparently, it doesn't need a lot of space to do so? Likewise, did the beam hit or not? You're not too specific about the latter.
Well, yes, one would assume that it's so dark outside because it's night.
Also, wasn't it nighttime already at the beginning of the scene?
This feels like it's trying to be part of a compound sentence, but it's just missing the word "was." Otherwise, it just feels awkward if left as is. Read it aloud to see what I mean.
Many, not much. You can count the situations, so "many" is the proper word to use.
Overall, while your description was okay, there were a few things that killed you.
1. Wrong word, wrong time. In the words of Inigo Montoya, "I do not think it means what you think it means." Many times throughout this chapter, possibly in an attempt to make the narration sound pretty, you might have used words from the thesaurus or that you might've thought were the right ones… but really weren't. Whenever you're going to use the thesaurus or an unfamiliar word, make sure you double-check it to get to know the connotations of that word as well as the actual definitions. Otherwise, you'll be conjuring a lot of bad mental images.
When in doubt, just use the simpler word. You have less of a chance to misuse a word you already know extremely well.
2. Awkward wording. Whenever you write a chapter, wait for twenty-four hours for it to cool down, then go back over it carefully by reading it aloud. Listen to your words and judge for yourself whether or not everything fits together smoothly. All over the place, you use things like dependent clauses to cram too much information into short spaces, or you say something you've already said within the same sentence or paragraph. That causes a choppy flow that constantly trips up the reader, which, again, makes it hard for them to go through the story.
Also, yes, don't be vague with your descriptions. Vague descriptions = awkward wording as well because we really don't know what you're talking about at times. Be as clear as possible because it's your job as the storyteller to convey a story. If we can't see what you're seeing, then that story isn't fully conveyed.
3. Logistics. As I've pointed out before, there's some parts that don't make much sense. For example, no one freaks out about the fact that Lynette can speak to Pokémon. A bunch of fully grown men toss away a legendary Pokémon because a little girl is coming towards them. Renee can get away with theft in broad daylight in a hospital. A reader will definitely question a lot of these, leaving your story unbelievable. And if you have an unbelievable story with events that just happen for a certain character, you may end up with that Mary Sue I warned you about earlier. Already, it feels as if you might start down that path because right now, we're looking at a girl who can speak to Pokémon, take on thieves and scare thieves several times her age, encounter legendaries, and come out the hero already at the age of eight. In other words, it'll be tough to believe your character as it is, so you'll want to really slow down and think about what you're doing. Maybe spend more time on certain events so that they happen logically. Have characters react to her ability, for example. While this might not completely avoid a Sue, it'll at least make your story slightly easier to believe.
As it stands, like I said, your description was beautiful (despite the fact that you conjured a number of odd images). However, the story itself could use a bit of work.
Hope that helps.
For a heads up, whenever you start a new paragraph, hit the enter key twice. This isn't for aesthetics, really. It's actually because having a long block of text makes the reader more likely to lose their place or be intimidated by the large amount they have to read. The harder it is for your reader to read something, the more your message is lost. So, in order to get the reader to focus as much as possible on the story you want to tell them, you want to make the story as well-written as possible so it's easy for them to read. That way, they won't have to worry about anything else.
That said...
The sky was a darker shade from the usual, the usual cobalt shade was reduced to a dusty, chalkier color that littered and danced through an array in the skies.
Be careful with commas. Notice how the parts before and after the first one (i.e. the one after the first "usual") are their own sentences? That means what you're looking at is actually a run-on, so you'll want to either put a period where that comma is or somehow rearrange your words to form a compound sentence.
Personally, I think repeating the words "the usual" creates a sense of redundancy -- a feeling of repetition that just trips up the reader. You may want to reread this passage (aloud) to see what I mean and to figure out how to phrase things so that your description goes a bit smoother.
The leaves were pecked from the high branches of trees, sashaying in the rapid currents of the wind that periled
Somehow, I get the feeling you might be a fan of Eragon.
Side notes aside (where they probably should be -- excuse me for the pun), you may want to be careful about using the thesaurus to figure out what to say because as beautiful as your description is, losing your reader to an odd mental image isn't good either.
That said, I'm not sure how wind can expose itself to danger, much less how this describes any sort of movement.
The sun was sinking lower beneath a dome of grass,
Unless the sun literally scuttled under a dome made of grass, you may want to back up and talk about the horizon instead.
honey scent that vacillated
While "vacillated" can mean "to waver," it's usually a reference to either one's own opinions or the way one physically moves. Imagine a drunk man walking, and that's essentially what vacillating usually means. Alternatively, imagine Senator Clinton's opinion on anything, and that's also what vacillated usually means. (Too soon for that joke?)
Long story short, it very rarely (if at all) means fading in and out or dispersing through the air, either of which you probably actually mean.
was cradled securely in-between two branches,
Between. In-between usually refers to condition -- like neither hot nor cold but in-between. Between, meanwhile, can simply mean a place.
It was green and rather small
Since you already said that it had a small and weak figure, repeating the fact that it's rather small so soon is a little redundant.
a small pair of miniature wings
So... basically... smaller than small?
(Basically, yeah, it's another case of redundancy.)
it launched upward in the dimmed outside,
Into the dimmed outside. In implies it's already there (which would then make it odd for it to launch itself to a place it's already in), but into implies that it is not quite there but is in the process of going there.
Also, isn't it currently asleep?
to sniff the air and then flew around, continuously sniffing the air.
Since you say that it's sniffing the air earlier in the sentence, saying it again later is, again, a bit redundant, which adds a little dryness to an otherwise decent description. You may want to rephrase this somehow.
Its round blue eyes widened with excitement and thrill was bouncing through it as it followed the scent deeper into whence it came.
This is actually a compound sentence. You can tell by replacing the "and" with a period and reading both of the new sentences individually. Notice how both sides make sense on their own?
So, what you'll need is a comma just after "excitement" (and just before the conjunction -- in this case, and) to indicate that it's a compound.
it followed the location to where it was,
You really can't follow a location because a location, unless it's literally moving, usually is stationary. What you can do, however, is follow the scent (or aroma or what have you to avoid redundancy), which you may want to point out instead.
gleefully swaying from side to side as it tracked down the scent.
First off, this is actually a misplaced modifier. See, whenever you put a dependent clause like this one after a comma, it's actually modifying the first noun or pronoun in front of said comma. In this case, the clause refers to whatever "it" is -- in this case, the location. So, right now, you're basically stating that the location is swaying from side to side.
Second, since you already state that Celebi is tracking down the scent earlier in the sentence, it sounds awkward to repeat the notion.
When the creature finally tracked down where the scent had come from,
For the third time, apparently.
off of the wooden tree.
As opposed to a plastic one?
On the serious side, sometimes, it's okay to leave off an adjective or use another one if the one you're thinking of would be a little, well, obvious.
Now the creature's stomach was full and it needed some rest.
This would be another compound sentence. You can try the tip I gave you earlier to verify, but in the end, you'll need a comma after "full," which would be the end of the first sentence.
but just as soon as it did so,
You can actually get away with dropping the "so." Leaving it in adds one unnecessary beat to the sentence, which in other words, makes the sentence sound slightly awkward. If you'd like to see what I mean, try reading the passage aloud.
something planed with holes and thin wiring swung down over it.
Because of the use of the word "planed," I'm right now imagining someone throwing a plank of wood onto Celebi.
Seriously, though, again, you'll want to be careful about the words you use. Rather than be vague, it's a good idea in this case to be specific. Say cubical or describe the trap. Or, better yet, just say it's a cage.
Also, isn't Celebi in a tree by now? "As soon as it did so" implies it's actually reached the tree.
The creature, startled, was pinned to the ground, helpless and weak.
Uh, you may want to rearrange this sentence. Read it aloud, and you'll see what I mean. That many parentheticals (or phrase that don't necessarily have to be there in the sentence but are there for clarification) all over the sentence make it sound choppy and generally overdramatic, as if it's being spoken by Captain Kirk just before he dies. ("I was… stabbed in the heart… can't go on…") So, yeah, it's hard to take a choppy sentence seriously.
It can, however, be fixed if you think of a way to remove the parentheticals (especially "startled") and smooth out the sentence.
a few spineless howls and yelps.
Again, it's a good idea to avoid using the thesaurus to figure out what you want to say. While "spineless" does mean "frightened" or "scared," it's usually an insult that refers to the cowardly nature of a person or living being. A cry can't be spineless, and I should certainly hope the Pokémon itself isn't either (unless you really hate Celebi that much).
and it was soon echoing through the air.
Right now, you're implying that Celebi is literally echoing through the air. This, unfortunately, conjures many odd mental images, so you'll probably want to rephrase this so that you're actually saying its cries are echoing through the air.
a sphere capsule of some sort.
A sphere is actually a noun or verb, not an adjective. You'll probably want to trade it for "spherical" (which is an adjective) or simply drop either "sphere" or "capsule."
latching its small hands onto the net
Another reason why being vague when it comes to description is a bad idea: it leads to incorrect mental images. As you know from before, when I read the word "planed" and "holed" and "wiring," I automatically thought of a cage, rather than a net. If you had said "net" earlier, then there would probably be less confusion.
That sort of thing is the kind of thing you'll want to avoid. While description is good, confusing the reader isn't so much. If you're going to use description, you really need to work hard to make it as clear and precise as possible, and when in doubt, just say what the thing is for the reader's benefit.
"I did it," The man chuckled, laughing loudly,
First off, the part about the man chuckling isn't actually indicating that he's speaking, so it's not actually a dialogue tag. For that reason, you should replace the commas with periods because you really are breaking off sentences.
Second, to chuckle is to laugh softly. You can't chuckle and laugh loudly at the same time, so you'll probably want to rephrase that.
Soon more figures showed in large vehicles,
I would suggest replacing the word "showed" with another word, possibly "arrived." Just saying they showed implies they've appeared from out of nowhere.
Simultaneously…
Tip: If you want to switch between scenes or times, just do it and describe when and where it's happening in the first paragraph of the new scene. Don't do it in a time or setting title like this because it's just jarring for the reader.
I burst through the iron doors of the school,
Another tip: Don't switch from first person to third person. Just don't. Either tell the story completely in first person or completely in third. Otherwise, we get the sense that the speaker is omniscient because of the third-person scene, or we get smacked in the face by the sudden appearance of the word I. If the earlier scene was in first person, then you may want to think about how the speaker everything that happened in said earlier scene that she wasn't actually around for.
to let my body not get too sweaty.
While this might be in-character for the character herself, it's a bit awkward as a sentence. Try reading it aloud to see what I mean. You can't really let your body not get too sweaty. If it sweats, it sweats. You can, however, prevent your body from getting too sweaty.
She was tall and thin,
As you've said before, which makes this a bit redundant.
neon jacket,
Unless the jacket was literally lit up by neon gas, you may want a different adjective here.
which made me wonder why since it was so hot outside.
Another case of "it's in character, but you'll still want to read it aloud to see if it's awkward."
gangly skirt
Gangly actually only refers to a body, a little like muscular can only refer to the way a body is built. Similarly, gangly means "tall and awkwardly built," which actually refers to the way a person looks and can't actually refer to an article of clothing or other inanimate object.
Renee approached me, a curtain of her hair falling over her brown eyes.
Not so much a case of "in-character but still read" as it is a "please read" moment. If you read this aloud, you'll notice that everything after the comma seems a little awkward, as if it's missing something. And, in fact, it actually is because this action wants to be its own sentence but is, instead, tacked onto a shorter action. So, what you'll want to do is:
A. Add "as" at the very beginning of the sentence and turn "falling" into "fell."
B. Add the word "and" just after the comma.
She inhaled unsteadily, her chest rising heavily as she did a few intake of breaths.
Again, sometimes, saying something simply is better than trying to come up with a more complicated way of saying things. In this case, "did a few intake
Also, try not to start consecutive sentences with the same word. It produces a choppy feeling, which, as I've said before, can be jarring for a reader.
Renee said, apology written inside her voice.
I'm not sure if you did this intentionally or not, but you may want to just use "apologetically" instead of an entire dependent clause. (In which case, you'll want to drop the comma too.)
If you don't, then you'll want to replace "inside" with "on." Nothing can really be written inside something, so the clause makes no sense if you leave it as is.
"You're probably wondering why I showed up so late," Renee finally said after adjusting her breathing to a normal tune.
1. Breathing really doesn't have a tune unless there's something seriously wrong with your respiratory system. It does, however, have a rate.
2. Even then, why not just say "catching her breath"? Again, sometimes, it's better to say something simply.
and shrinking her tone.
Since "shrinking" refers to a physical appearance, you can't really shrink a tone. You can, however, lower it, given that "lowering" is a vaguer verb that can also refer to volume.
I yelled, angry.
It's a bit awkward as is. You may want to drop the comma and simply turn "angry" into an adverb – "angrily."
Even then, we can tell she's angry, so it's not really necessary to have the word there at all. In many cases, it's better (and more believable) if you simply let the characters' words and actions express their emotions, rather than adjectives and adverbs. That way, the reader will be able to visualize the expression more than they would if you simply told them that a character is angry. It's an odd phenomenon, but imagine the difference between being shown a red vase on a white table and being told there's a red vase on a white table. You can see the red vase on the white table easily if you're actually allowed to see it without commentary, but if you're told it's there and nothing else, you're left with vague mental images as to what the vase and table actually look like.
"Yeah, but I only stole one.
…She thinks it's a good idea to steal a Poké Ball containing a Pokémon in bad condition from a hospital? Regardless of whether or not it's Team Rocket who left it, that still seems… rather low.
Not only that, but while I understand it's a hospital, I'm surprised no one else in the building alerted the authorities or anything that notorious gangsters had just waltzed in.
Finally I just grabbed my dad's, slipping it in one of the pockets and tried finding some special Pokemon items.
Read this aloud as well, and you'll notice it sounds awkward. You'll want to rephrase this so that the part about Renee slipping it into one of the pockets doesn't sound like it's trying to contradict the tense of the rest of the sentence.
She was being far more rebellious than usual.
I should say so. How did she even manage to get close enough to a batch of injured or ill Pokémon in a hospital to steal one? I would imagine there's decent enough security in a Pokémon Center where the actual Pokémon are concerned.
We both walked over there,
Because you state in the sentence before this one that Lynette ushered Renee over to the trees, it's already implied that they've moved to that location. You don't need to say they're doing it again.
"Yeah, but I wonder what's inside it?"
This actually isn't a question. It's a statement, and you can tell by the fact that Lynette is actually stating that she's wondering, not actually asking what's inside it. So, you'll want a comma instead of a question mark.
Pokeball.
Side note, but yes. "Poké Ball" is canonically two words. You can look it up in the game to verify.
I tapped my finger against a small silver button and the button began to glow red.
Uh… At the risk of being anal, this sounds like it's about to explode. You may want to look at the anime or other forms of canon to see how Poké Balls are opened to avoid this kind of mental image.
The red beam was scalene
"Scalene" usually applies to cones and triangles, not to balls and beams. So, right now, you're conjuring bad memories of geometry classes and attempting to determine the area of a triangle with three uneven sides.
In other words, again, you may want to go for a simpler description.
a shape being formed from its emanating light.
This is actually awkward tacked onto the end of a sentence describing the beam, so you'll want to start a new sentence. In general, the rule of thumb is when you stop describing the subject in the main part of the sentence, start a new one instead of trying to lengthen the old one.
with blue skimmed all over its skin,
That must be one dirty Pokémon.
"Skimmed" refers to one of several things when it's a noun:
1. A thin layer of film (as in, slime) on the surface of a liquid.
2. A thin layer of mortar.
3. Skim milk.
4. Something that is skimmed off the surface of a liquid.
5. The act of skimming something off the surface of a liquid.
It most likely doesn't actually mean… whatever you're trying to use it as here.
specks of darker shades coiled over a few parts.
This would be a run-on sentence (or would at least appear to be so). You'll want to just break it off and form a new sentence.
And even then, as I've said before, a vague description usually isn't a good idea. Rather than say specks of darker shades are coiling over a few parts, state what shades they are, what parts you're talking about, and what you mean by "coiling" (because right now, you're conjuring the image of spiral patterns all over this Pokémon).
It had a lot of horns poking out on its head
Of its head. You can't really poke out onto anything.
with soft red eyes
The horns had soft red eyes?
and a dinosaur-like appearance.
Which really doesn't actually mean much to the readers because there's all kinds of different dinosaurs out there. You'll want to be specific.
me and Renee.
While this is in-character, if you want her to speak correctly, switch "Renee" and "me." First-person pronouns never go before other nouns.
an expression of alarm and panic sprang on its face.
You keep saying "alarm and panic," but it's actually a redundant cliché. The two words mean the same thing, so you just have to say "expression of alarm" or "expression of panic."
That aside, remember what I said about the red vase earlier? Rather than tell us that an expression of alarm crossed her face, try describing this expression so we can see it.
I glanced at the Nidorina and I found her staring back at me,
Another compound sentence. Try the tip I mentioned earlier here.
softer and somehow calmer.
Why is the Nidorina vicious towards Renee and suddenly curious towards Lynette?
Was she examining my appearance with medium-sized, glossy auburn hair, a thin figure, and green eyes?
Right now, you're implying that the Nidorina has all these features and are using them to examine Lynette. What you'll want to do instead is figure out a way to describe the main character without actually doing so in this sentence. Besides, it feels as if you've just pulled the description out of nowhere, which sort of dulls down the suspense of the moment.
"No she didn't.
Comma after "no." This is an introduction word.
I stole a glance at Renee who was staring with bafflement toward me.
The more I read the narration, the more I feel as if this story isn't being told by a eight-year-old. Even though the character may be telling this story in the future, you still have to remember that, in first person prose, you need to maintain a character of some sort. Otherwise, you can just switch out the pronoun I with the pronouns he, she, and it, and you'd get the same effect (which defeats the purpose of writing in first person).
"I wasn't, I was speaking English."
This would be a run-on. You can tell by replacing the period with a comma and finding yourself with two sentences that make sense on their own.
So, just leave the period in there, and you should be fine. However, whenever you want to insert a comma into a sentence, try the "replace it with a period" test to make sure you're not writing a run-on.
"Kora," The Nidorina replied tentatively.
Because you have a comma right after her name, you're not finishing a sentence at the end of the quote. So, you need to keep the word "the" lowercase. Otherwise, you're capitalizing in the middle of a sentence, as if the quotation marks aren't even there.
Renee glanced in-between
Again, "in-between" means more or less either a moderate condition or indecisive. What you want here is "between."
"Why are you barking at the Nidorina, Lyn? And why is she barking back?"
Renee's not exactly the brightest crayon in the box, is she?
That said, I don't know. I feel as if this question seems a little forced and unbelievable because what Lynette's doing is fairly obvious. I just find it odd that Renee's not catching on or at least questioning whether or not it's true.
"Where is my master?" Kora asked, obviously more comfortable now.
Either Kora is completely ignoring them, or she seems nonchalant about the fact that a human being can understand her. Not only that, but doesn't she find it odd that Lynette is barking at her too?
"I don't know who or where your master is, but we promise to find them as soon as possible," I reassured her.
Why is Lynette not freaked out about the fact that she can understand Nidorina?
Kora looked at my darkly. "How can I trust you?"
"You do, after all, speak Parseltongue."
crossing her arms objectively.
Usually, objectively when it refers to a person means to be unbiased. It doesn't actually mean stubbornly or indifferently.
"I don't know. Maybe we should put her back in the Pokeball and then drop it off at the counter of the Pokemon Center?" Renee suggested, shrugging.
"Wouldn't that be obvious, though?" I said.
Well, considering the fact that no one saw Renee sneak off with it in her arms in broad daylight…
"A little," Kora said.
As a note, while there's been one episode of the anime to contradict this, it's usually a given throughout the rest of canon that Pokémon can understand humans (but most humans can't understand Pokémon – or just any Pokémon, anyway).
"Well she thinks I'm barking."
Comma after "well." This is also an introduction word, so you need to separate it. To give you a better definition, you may want to look at OWL at Purdue's guide to commas.
At this point, I'll just stop pointing out this error, but yeah, you do it a few more times in the rest of the chapter.
"You're speaking my language," Kora said.
And she's perfectly fine with it.
"I'm not entirely mad only because I know you two aren't a threat," Kora stated crustily.
Despite the fact that she was essentially kidnapped?
"Whenever I sense danger, I raise the barbs on my body, but since I sense no danger, I didn't raise them."
Erm, natural defense mechanisms like this happen because the victim senses danger. As in, Kora would have known that they're not dangerous and then decided not to raise her barbs, not figured out that they're not dangerous because she didn't raise her barbs. It's a lot like saying you figured out that someone was bad because you punched them in the face.
I found it hard to push through them, but luckily Kora had already made a clear path for me.
Then why was she having a hard time pushing through them if there's a clear path?
Kora still sparred in the same, ready stance.
Usually, to spar means that you're actively moving, going through the motions of a fight. It doesn't mean that you're standing still in a ready position.
I had to clamp my mouth shut to not make any noise. I could feel my heart sinking lower into my stomach. I felt as if I was about to throw up.
And your readers feel jarred by those last three sentences.
On the serious side, as I've said before, starting consecutive sentences with the same word tends to force the narration to drag, so you end up losing some of your suspense by the time you're done.
But it was too late. As soon as Renee had shouted those words, each man turned toward us, pointing their weapons at us with outrage.
And they didn't notice Kora's howl earlier?
"Who are they?" One shouted.
Since "one shouted" is a dialogue tag, you're not ending the sentence with the quotation mark. Instead, you're associating the part in the quotation marks with the dialogue tag, which means, simply, the dialogue tag is just another part of the sentence.
In other words, don't capitalize the first word of a dialogue tag that occurs after its respective quote unless the word is a name. And if that's confusing, OWL has a guide to that too.
with more outrage in his tone.
It's already implied, so you'll be beating your reader over the head with the emotion if you leave this in. It's better to just take it out and let the quote speak for itself.
my heart sinking lower.
Usually, the heart sinks whenever one experiences a moment of disappointment or sadness. Fear, the heart would jump in the throat or seize.
My bones felt hollow and stale now like an old chip.
Old chips are hollow?
Also, you'll want to only use analogies that fit with the tone of the scene. Comparing something to an old chip causes the reader to smile in amusement when this scene isn't supposed to be funny.
The net they carried had something small and green in it, but I couldn't identify it from where I stood.
They took an oddly long time to pack up Celebi, if the beginning of the scene occurred simultaneously with the earlier one.
"That's Celebi," I whispered through a gasp.
How did Lynette know this?
They didn't even see me coming, but when they did, they panicked and tossed Celebi,
1. There's a group of them. Why didn't one just break off and intercept Lynette?
2. Even though Team Rocket grunts aren't the brightest bulbs in the bunch, they're securing a legendary Pokémon. Somehow, I don't think they're just going to toss it, especially when a eight-year-old girl is starting for them.
Celebi lifted its hand, a bright light radiating around it and then sending beams out toward the men.
Reread this sentence aloud. Notice how it's awkward? The reason why, as I've said before regarding other sentences like this, is because you're cramming too much into a short space. This is an attack – one launched by a legendary Pokémon at that. You'll want to spend more time describing it, using more than one sentence to do so.
The men collapsed, puzzled with their bodies vibrating.
Continuing from above, yes, you'll want to extend the effects too. Why didn't Celebi just use an attack earlier if, apparently, it doesn't need a lot of space to do so? Likewise, did the beam hit or not? You're not too specific about the latter.
When we reached Viridian, we noticed the sun was already buried beneath the ground, explaining why it was so dark outside.
Well, yes, one would assume that it's so dark outside because it's night.
Also, wasn't it nighttime already at the beginning of the scene?
and my heart still pounding.
This feels like it's trying to be part of a compound sentence, but it's just missing the word "was." Otherwise, it just feels awkward if left as is. Read it aloud to see what I mean.
in so much more situations like the one today.
Many, not much. You can count the situations, so "many" is the proper word to use.
Overall, while your description was okay, there were a few things that killed you.
1. Wrong word, wrong time. In the words of Inigo Montoya, "I do not think it means what you think it means." Many times throughout this chapter, possibly in an attempt to make the narration sound pretty, you might have used words from the thesaurus or that you might've thought were the right ones… but really weren't. Whenever you're going to use the thesaurus or an unfamiliar word, make sure you double-check it to get to know the connotations of that word as well as the actual definitions. Otherwise, you'll be conjuring a lot of bad mental images.
When in doubt, just use the simpler word. You have less of a chance to misuse a word you already know extremely well.
2. Awkward wording. Whenever you write a chapter, wait for twenty-four hours for it to cool down, then go back over it carefully by reading it aloud. Listen to your words and judge for yourself whether or not everything fits together smoothly. All over the place, you use things like dependent clauses to cram too much information into short spaces, or you say something you've already said within the same sentence or paragraph. That causes a choppy flow that constantly trips up the reader, which, again, makes it hard for them to go through the story.
Also, yes, don't be vague with your descriptions. Vague descriptions = awkward wording as well because we really don't know what you're talking about at times. Be as clear as possible because it's your job as the storyteller to convey a story. If we can't see what you're seeing, then that story isn't fully conveyed.
3. Logistics. As I've pointed out before, there's some parts that don't make much sense. For example, no one freaks out about the fact that Lynette can speak to Pokémon. A bunch of fully grown men toss away a legendary Pokémon because a little girl is coming towards them. Renee can get away with theft in broad daylight in a hospital. A reader will definitely question a lot of these, leaving your story unbelievable. And if you have an unbelievable story with events that just happen for a certain character, you may end up with that Mary Sue I warned you about earlier. Already, it feels as if you might start down that path because right now, we're looking at a girl who can speak to Pokémon, take on thieves and scare thieves several times her age, encounter legendaries, and come out the hero already at the age of eight. In other words, it'll be tough to believe your character as it is, so you'll want to really slow down and think about what you're doing. Maybe spend more time on certain events so that they happen logically. Have characters react to her ability, for example. While this might not completely avoid a Sue, it'll at least make your story slightly easier to believe.
As it stands, like I said, your description was beautiful (despite the fact that you conjured a number of odd images). However, the story itself could use a bit of work.
Hope that helps.
Mitsuki_SOS
Seeker of Shinies (SOS)
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Uh...wow....o_O Thank...you? I really appreciate the...big help you had to offer, but...wow. o_O Umm....thanks? I'll have to go back and edit a lot...
No, really, was it that bad? :/
No, really, was it that bad? :/
JX Valentine
Your aquatic overlord
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- Harassing Bill
- Seen Aug 19, 2020
No, really, was it that bad? :/
Put it this way:
1. I compliment you on making it readable (although it had its awkward moments). A lot of new trainer fics don't actually succeed in this aspect. Or a lot of the ones I end up reading don't for some reason.
2. I compliment you on your imagery. As I've said, your description is beautiful. It just needs to be tweaked here and there to take out odd words that might trigger weird mental images and to nudge it into being a bit clearer for your readers. Otherwise, yeah, your first sentence is an attention grabber because saying the blue of the sky took on a chalky color that danced across the sky has a certain note of poetry to it that pulls the reader in.
3. But otherwise, you do need to be a bit more careful about your wording, read everything aloud, and try to keep yourself from falling into the Sue pit, as I've explained in the review. That all just takes a bit of hard work, and it's something a lot of writers just learn to do as they go.
In other words, it had its good moments, and it had its WTFery moments. I wouldn't rate it as terrible or even bad, but you'll need to work on it as I've said in my review to have it be what I consider terrific too. So, really, I think it's just average as it is right now, to be perfectly frank and honest with you.
Mitsuki_SOS
Seeker of Shinies (SOS)
- 4
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- Seen Aug 12, 2009
Hmm....Yes, I appreciate your advice, and I realize that I need to improve in punctuation and grammar. I was a little taken aback at you pointing out all of those mistakes and awkward wordings, but now I realize that it was only to help me. Thank you for giving me that advice, and I will definitely keep it in mind. I wasn't really in deep thought when I wrote the Prologue, and I wasn't even thinking of what the plot would be. I just thought of something random and began to write it down. Thank you for the advice and the compliments, and I will keep everything in mind. For whatever I'm writing next, I'll be careful to not repeat the same mistakes that you pointed out. I'll try my best to not make it sound awkward, and I'll reread it several times to make it near perfect. Thank you once again.Put it this way:
1. I compliment you on making it readable (although it had its awkward moments). A lot of new trainer fics don't actually succeed in this aspect. Or a lot of the ones I end up reading don't for some reason.
2. I compliment you on your imagery. As I've said, your description is beautiful. It just needs to be tweaked here and there to take out odd words that might trigger weird mental images and to nudge it into being a bit clearer for your readers. Otherwise, yeah, your first sentence is an attention grabber because saying the blue of the sky took on a chalky color that danced across the sky has a certain note of poetry to it that pulls the reader in.
3. But otherwise, you do need to be a bit more careful about your wording, read everything aloud, and try to keep yourself from falling into the Sue pit, as I've explained in the review. That all just takes a bit of hard work, and it's something a lot of writers just learn to do as they go.
In other words, it had its good moments, and it had its WTFery moments. I wouldn't rate it as terrible or even bad, but you'll need to work on it as I've said in my review to have it be what I consider terrific too. So, really, I think it's just average as it is right now, to be perfectly frank and honest with you.