Pokemon: The Gods of The Elements

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They approached the door, being careful not to make any noise. "We're almost in, Sumi". Whispered the one gripping the door knob. "Good, we'll have it soon enough." Whispered Sumi in response. "Good, are you ready? Once we go in there, there's no going back". Warned the other one. "I'm ready, Tennon".

Tennon slowly nodded, and the turned back to the door. He twisted the doorknob to the right, slowlly, slowly, until.. *Click!*. The door quietly clicked open. Tennon stuck his head in and looked around; making sure no one was there. "It's clear". Whispered Tennon to Sumi. Tennon quietly walked in, followed by Sumi.

Their feet made the tiniest of squeeking noises on the freshly cleaned tiles as they walked down the long, dark hallway. They passed numerous paintings as they walked down the hallway, all of legendary Pokemon. Sumi gazed at each of them as she passed them; wondering what it would be like to meet one. "Sumi, hurry up, we don't have time to stare at the paintings". Tennon ordered.

Sumi continued looking at the paintings, but in secret. She saw legendary Pokemon who are spotted averagely -by some, atleast- , and others who she had only heard from legends. They passed many of the paintings, and then they finally reached the end of the long hallway. A single door was built into the wall on the end of the building. "I knew the Professor was hiding it here". Said Tennon, with a huge grin on his face.

Sumi stared at the door, "Are you sure we should be doing this?" Asked Sumi, with a tremble in her voice. Tennon didn't respond, his eyes were locked on that door. Tennon reached out a hand, and opened it with one gentle push. He took a few steps towards it, and then said "...Are you coming?". Sumi hesitated, but then slowly followed Tennon.

Inside, sat three large, metal pedestals. The first; had three Pokeballs resting on it, each bearing it's on symbol; showing what type of Pokemon the ball contained. The second pedestal, was holding up three large red rectangles called "The Pokedex". But Tennon wasn't interested in either of the first two pedetals, because on thefar corner of the room, on the thrid pedestal; sat a large, old book.

Sumi watched as Tennon began walking towards the book; eyes shining with greed. Tennon was close enough to take it; but he didn't. Instead, he opened it up, and scanned the pages for a few moments. Then, with a large grin, he snatched the book up, and tucked it under his arm. He started back towards the door, but then stopped.

Tennon slowly turned back, towards the first pedestal. He quickly walked over to it, and snatched up the three Pokeballs, and then turned back to Sumi. "Let's go".

Alright, lucky for you, you were the most recent post in this board, and the title interested me.

Your biggest problem? Dialogue.

They approached the door, being careful not to make any noise. "We're almost in, Sumi". Whispered the one gripping the door knob.

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Firstly, if you wish to label the speaker after the dialogue, it should use a comma. And that comma goes inside the quotation marks. Which would make "whispering" lowercase.

"Good, we'll have it soon enough." Whispered Sumi in response. "Good, are you ready? Once we go in there, there's no going back". Warned the other one. "I'm ready, Tennon".

Click to expand...

Except for the first bit of dialogue here (which should end with a comma anyways), your periods and commas are still in the wrong places. And when you have a new speaker, you always give them their own paragraphs. Think of it this way: your characters do not like sharing paragraphs, and you want your characters to each be important to the story somehow. Not giving them their own paragraphs is insulting them. So here, you would give Tennon his own paragraph starting with his dialogue. After "the other one," who would start a new paragraph.

[...]entire time.They quietly walked towards the towering
buidling in front of them; guided only by the dim moonlight.

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I'm assuming these were typos, but you need a space after that first period and you had a random new line. "Buidling" is "building."

One of your "slowly"s has two "l"s. Your "click" should be italicized, not in stars. I would even suggest giving it its own paragraph, as well as any other onomatopoeia word. "Atleast" is two words, and with the words inside the dashes, there should be spaces seperating the text and dashes. Don't put a comma directly after that last dash, it doesn't need to be there.

The semicolon between "first" and "had" isn't necessary. When you're giving the red rectangles their name, just say, "called Pokedexes."

You mispelled one of the "pedetals" here. "Thefar," (and I'm praying this was a typo) should be two words. "Thrid" is "third," right? The semicolon between "pedestal" and "sat" should just be a comma.

When you're adding a bit to a sentence and have to set it off, it's either by semicolons or commas. If it has a coordinating conjuction at the beginning, it should be a comma. If there is no coordinating conjuction, it should be a semicolon. More on commas and semicolons here: https://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/grammar/g_commacomp.html

So that semicolon between "it" and "but?" That should be a comma. And if he is going to pick it up in a few seconds after flipping through it, add something like "but he didn't just yet."

Overall, it was an interesting prologue. Mysterious and had me interested enough ^^

Really, though, where are you typing up your chapters? I worry you're not using Word and have no spellcheck to immediately work with. If you have no word processor with spellcheck, go get OpenOffice or use an online spellcheck. You have plenty of typos.

(And, also, as a personal preference, could you keep the font unedited? It makes you look like you're trying too hard to make an impact on readers, and that you need to enlarge text just to make your chapters look better. You can do that by properly spacing your dialogue out.)