[M] Poems by beauty. proletariat

beauty. proletariat

Banned
    • 1,501
    Posts
    19
    Years
    This is a thread for me to update my poems. Currently I'm focusing on Sonnets. I'm keeping it rated [M 15+] due to themes and language.

    Cr--, I fell asleep... Again! [SONNET] [F]​

    Spoiler:


    I wrote this sonnet after falling asleep on my girlfriend on MSN on the computer as an apology; It has no punctuation, and is colloquial, but it follors iabic pentameter and follows correct rhyme in an australian accent. Its written as a monologue though I think it doesnt work that well.


    Lies with Juliet [SONNET]
    Spoiler:


    This sonnet was written when I was feeling depressed due to some changes in social life my girlfriend was having, leaving me feeling alone. Some of the things, I actually thought seriously... Dont Judge me. Also, theres an interesting use of symbolism I realised later on. Again, this sonnet follows iambic pentameter and rhyme. Its told as a story and rhymes in an australian accent.


    Fall [FREEFORM] [F]
    Spoiler:


    This poem was written a long time ago for my girlfriend. I was simply trying to write it for her enjoyment, but it later on shaped into something that has a double meaning.

    Fluctuates [SONNET] [F]
    Spoiler:


    I wrote this sonnet during english class and finished it at home. I see it as the first poem I've written where ideas aren't all over the place. This was written as a sensperian sonnet.

    With you [SONNET] [F]
    Spoiler:


    I wrote this sonnet for my beloved for her to read after a huggeee monologue I sent to her. Its set to be childish and i love it :) In terms of structure... I purposely made it aabb cdcd eeee ff. dont ask me why

    Dross effusion [SONNET]
    Spoiler:


    I'm currently having really really bad problems with my beloved and currently its at what I call a calculated breakup. I wrote the first stanza two days ago, and wrote the rest of the poem yesterday, hence the change in pace, rythmn. I think I'm starting to prefer abab cdcd efef gg over aabb ccdd eeff gg in sonnets as it sounds so much better. I would stick with abab bcbc cdcd ee (sensperian), but I end up ruining the poem when I focus so much in its structure. When I'm feeling bad I tend to think in a 'sharp' manner. When I'm with friends, I automatically turn into someone much more rythmic and happy. The first quatraint was written listening to Broken - Good Charlotte and the rest of the poem was written with my besties. If you guys are reading this, love you guys :)

    KEY
    [F] - Final copy (Poem will not be changed. This generally applies to all poems written for my beloved.)
    [SONNET] - I call any poem with three quatraints and a rhyming couplet, a sonnet.
    [FREEFORM] - A poem that does not follow most conventions.

    Other information

    Also, I do not wish to be rude, but I find that accents play a large role in reading poetry. Especially for Sonnets using Iambs. I'm not blaming my accent for my poetry (:P) Just stating that it does rhyme in my context.

    I am slowly getting back into poetry but I have alot of stress in my relationship at the moment so I may not update too frequently. Please note that I have not written these poems for your use, but instead enjoyment. I do not mind if you change it and give it to a parner or friend, but for educational purposes (such as school homework), poetry is not yours to use. No matter how much you change it, unless it has been changed by more than 80% (this generally means that you used ideas from the poems) you cannot use them for educational purposes. Anyone that comes across this page and would like to use these poems, please PM me to gain consent. I will not say no, but I do want to have an idea where it is going if it is going anywhere. Miraj Bhattarai 2008-2009 ©
    ​
     
    Last edited:
    Okay I would usually break down the poems bit by bit but I think I'll just take your writing style in general from what I've read. Your first poem is almost like tired drivel. I've been in that situation many many times where I would drift to sleep and my mind would just start rhyming. The next morning I might have some lines written down or perhaps memorised. But what I will say is. You seemed to just write drivel here and publish without fixing it up a bit. So what I will suggest is when this happens don't just leave as is because it was what you felt at the time. Remember poetry is a piece of work and you don't always need to just keep everything as it was written. I make plenty of drafts before I'm happy with something. So I would advise making your first one a draft as it seems to have a few odd lines and some stuff that can be taken out. Also try not to abbreviate to much, what I mean is, when you said "Cause" you should always say because regardless, remember that poetry is all about the words you use to describe an emotion, event, person, place or thing. That is effectively what poetry is. So what is your biggest concern in poetry? The words you use, always try to use the best ones you can. I think you'll agree with me that some of the words you mentioned in the first poem weren't very poetic. I know you've said this isn't your best work but I still think you should scrap some of it. For example, cursing in poetry is unnecessary, and I'll tell you why, the best way I can explain it and what I've always said is that it is almost like cheating due to the fact that you are trying to display your anger or repute using a foul word rather than actually sitting down and thinking of how you could express this particular feeling. I'll tell you an experience I had when I started writing poetry, I just could not display a way of showing anger in a poem. So what I did was I practiced bad read other poetry about anger and got more of a poetic sense of how things would be put into words. So I decided I would try write a small poem about anger. So I did. It grew and eventually I came up with this.
    This ill temper I have is making me mad
    I blow up and I don't know why
    I wish for just a moment I could handle my anger right
    I wish for just a moment I could love you right
    I wish my attitude would just go away
    I wish my anger would stay at bay
    This outlook I have on life needs to change
    This outlook I have you needs to say the same
    I love you deep down inside
    I wish you would see
    That you're the only princess for me

    The anger I have deep in side
    Comes out when I least expect it
    This anger I have in me should just go away
    This anger I have is an annoyance
    This anger I have has messed my life up
    This anger I have is stupid
    Anger you have messed up my love for you
    Anger you have messed up my life
    Anger you have destroyed who I am inside and out
    Anger you are the devil
    Anger you are all that is bad
    This anger I have in me has made me fight
    A fight that was not worth it

    Anger you made me hit the wrong person
    Anger you made me do the wrong things
    Anger you are the feeling that I would never miss
    Anger you have caused me so much sorrow
    Anger you have caused nothing but grief.
    Anger just go away

    See? I used to be terrible at describing anger until I decided to work on it and practice a little. You should sometimes keep an archive of drivel you write when you are asleep. Often it tends to be very good or mindless drivel that makes sense. So you should maybe work on that a little bit.

    Now onto your second poem.
    Never blame your accent in poetry. Just because your accent shouldn't be involved in words on paper. However I do understand that you say poems allowed but try think of the other readers. Always remember that the feeling an words come from the heart first and then they come from your mouth. So keep the wording universal. This was a little better but needing some work.
    A fire burns strong in the crackling thunder
    Click to expand...
    This line was almost amazing. the use of crackling describing fire is always nice. However I don't believe I've ever heard crackling thunder. thunder gives of a roar and crackling is like quick sharp noises and hasn't much relevance to the sound of thunder I'm afraid. But it was a good concept. You have some nice descriptive writing but you need to work on flow. Your flow sometimes lacks consistency and power. I find myself stopping while reading and I find the lines don't run in together too well. Hmm other than that it is okay I mean you need a little practice. I'll avoid writing too much on this seeing as in you will upload more.
     
    Last edited:
    You must log in or register to reply here.
    Back
    Top