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r3spOnsibL3

bOxieLiciOus

not here 4 lipsyncing
58
Posts
13
Years
    • Seen Feb 16, 2011
    r3spOnsibL3
    ​
    The sky is grey, God's lost our trust,
    which agonizing dreams are waiting for us?
    The silence is staggering, for a rainy day,
    the tree's confident color, just fades away.

    The streets are empty, no soul out there,
    but if I look deep inside, I don't care.
    Everybody's fault for the world's state,
    but nobody's fault for the world today.

    And all the foremans, thy all lied,
    I don't know anymore who's on my side.
    Who's responsible for the pain out there?
    People in war, because we won't dare?

    And people in pain for no reason at all,
    Shouldn't we listen to their dying call?
    Gunshots surround us, bullets fly past,
    How could death sneak up on us so fast?

    And while God erases Heaven and its key,
    while death surrounds, and absorbs me,
    I seem to realize our destiny, the truth,
    When everyone stands on the edge of the roof,

    It may be us, who are responsible for the shame,
    but it are us, who must build up world's face again.
    Don't give up, don't let go,
    World's faith rests upon us, and we all know.

    a poem that i wrote about the world today, constructive criticism pls. -xoxo
     

    Missingno.7-4468

    The Kazuka Party is for curry!
    513
    Posts
    15
    Years
    • Grammatical/structure C+CC:
    Just a couple little things I see here. One is the way you capitalize. Remember that in poetry, it's usually done with a capital letter starting each line even if it's not the beginning of a sentence. Of course, you don't HAVE to do this, but I just thought that I'd mention it. ~

    One other REALLY little mistake is...
    but it are us, who must build up world's face again.
    Click to expand...
    The "are" there should be "is". Another thing is that it looks like there should be a "the" in front of world, but I'm not sure if you were addressing the world as if that was its name, in which case you would capitalize the word, or if you just forgot the "the".

    Theme/content:
    Honestly, I love this poem for what it says, and I agree that it is humanity's fault for much of the suffering we experience today. There's nothing I really have to criticize about it, other than the fact that it's much better a poem than I was expecting based on the title. xD
     
    TJgamer

    TJgamer

    A Pokémon Poet
    1,093
    Posts
    14
    Years
    • Seen Oct 13, 2021
    This poem pleases me very much!
    The rhyming scheme and details are splendid!
    Keep up the good work!
     

    Midnight Moon~

    Ninja Squirrel
    71
    Posts
    13
    Years
    • This is a good poem, I completely agree with what's being said. One quick question though, in the third stanza, on the first line, you say 'thy'. Is that supposed to be 'they' or did you mean to use 'thy'?
     
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