View Full Version : The Techie Gospel

December 8th, 2004, 2:59 PM
Read. Be entertained. If you have EVER worked tech, understand and spread the word. If you have ever worked tech, read and know the holy word.

Genesis: In the beginning there was the Stage, and the Stage was without lights or sets, and darkness was on the faces of the actors. And the Technical Director (hereinafter referred to as the TD) said, "Let there be Lights!" and the TECHIES worked and wired, and there were lights. Spotlights and specials, areas and backlighting - yes, lights of all shapes, sizes and hues. And the TD saw the lights, that they were well aimed and focused, gelled according to the scene, and no more was there darkness on the faces of the actors. And it was good. And the evening and the morning were the First Day.

And the TD looked upon the actors and saw that although they walked in light, they did walk upon a bare stage, and had no place to be, and the TD was moved to pity. And the TD said, "Let there be a Set!": and the TECHIES scrambled and worked, and there was a set, with platforms, wagons, stairs, and furniture of various types and sized, each according to the need. And the actors did walk within the set, and did have a place to be. And the TD saw the set, that it was good, and the evening and the morning were the Second Day.

And the TD saw the actors, that although they did have a place to be, they did look like fools, for they waved their hands, clutched at open air, and struck each other with nothing. And in his heart, the TD was moved to pity. And the TD said, "Let there be Props!": and the TECHIES worked feverishly and did buy and build, and there were props. And they were good, and the evening and the morning were the Third Day.

And the Costumer looked upon the actors, and saw that they did go forth in blue jeans and the Costumer knew that this would not do. And the Costumer said, "Let there be Costumes!": and the TECHIES did cut and sew and shape, and there were costumes, each sized to the actor, according to the play, and keeping in with the role. And no more did the actors go forth in blue jeans, and the Costumer saw the costumes, that they were good, and the evening and the morning were the Fourth Day.

And the TD watched the play, and saw that the actors did wait in silence, and was moved to pity. And the TD said, "Let there be Sound!": and the TECHIES worked and taped, and there were sounds, each according to its place and cue, all at the proper levels. And the TD heard the sounds, that they were good, and the evening and the morning were the Fifth Day.

And lo, all these works were completed in five days, showing that if God had used sufficient TECHIES in the first place, He would have finished sooner.

Exodus: And lo, as the year begins, so is the Gaffa Tape delivered unto the TECHIES, who do revere and worship the Gaffa.

And, soon, does the Gaffa Tape leave the store, to be used by the TECHIES in pursuit of excellence in their techie activities, and also in various activites with fair TECHIE maidens.

And, the head TECHIES do soon become worried at the amount of Gaffa used, for while much use of Gaffa does surely lead to a higher plane of TECHIE existence, the year must be split in two: 6 months of plenty, following the delivery of Gaffa unto the TECHIES, and 6 months of famine, when the Gaffa must surely run out.

Proverbs: Behold, my son here is wisdom. Pay heed to these words, and in the days of thy play, in the hours of thy performing, thou shalt not be caught short. For truly, it is said, pay heed to the errors of others and you shall not make them yourself, and again, as we have been told from on old, to thine own self be true.

Give not unto the actor his props before his time, for as surely as the sun does rise in the East and set in the West, he will lose or break them.

When told the placement of props by the Director, write not these things in ink upon thy script for as surely as the winds blow, so shall he change his mind.

Speak not in large words to actors, for they are slow of thought and are easily confused.

Speak not in the language of the TECHIE to actors, for they are uninitiated, and will not perceive thy meaning.

Tap not the head of a nail to drive it, but strike it firmly with thy strength.

Keep holy the first performance, for afterwards you shall party.

Keep holy the last performance, for afterwards you shall party.

Remember always that the TD is never wrong. If appears that he is, then you obviously misunderstood him the first time.

Leave not the area of the stage during the play to go and talk with the actors, for as surely as you do, you will be in danger of missing your cue and being summarily executed or worse.

Beware of the actors during scene changes, for they are not like unto you and are blind in the dark.

Beware of actors when flying in walls, for they will stand and watch and get crushed.

Take not thy cues before their time, but wait for the proper moment to do so.

Take pity on the actors, for in their roles they are as children, and must be led with gentle kindness. Thus, endeavor to speak softly and not in anger.

Listen carefully to the instructions of the Director as to how he wants things done - then do it the right way. In the days of thy work, he will see thy wisdom, give himself the credit, and rejoice.

And above all, get not carried away with the glow-tape, or thy stage will be alike unto an airport.

Luke: It is a simple and clear message delivered unto us by Luke:

Our amps are switched off
The Cans are not patched into the PA
The Masters are down.
The loudspeakers are disconnected

The Parable of the Lighting Desk: Lo, the story begind one night after a gig at UBSA (a temple of disco).

The techies had performed remarkably during the performance of dancing by the lowly actors and now the disco had begun. The techies stood in a huddle and the techie director said "ERRRRRR!!!!" with a wave of the hands, and from this one gesture they knew it was time for a break before the night of a thousand de-rigs.

But they stopped at the portal of the mighty UBSA temple the techie director speaketh:

"What about the truly wonderous lighting desk, might not somebody half-inch it."

And Chris and Dave replied as one, "Who would be mad enough to steal a lighting desk."

With these immortal words they parted into the cold night air having agreed to meet back at eleven.

As the witching hour aproached the techie director and his assistant felt the desk call and found themselves before the ancient doors of UBSA, but the insignificant audience were still partying and little could be done. Having looked around for a job we were held in holy wonderement from the green twinkle of the lighting desk. Strangly drawn they took its carry case and packed it into its holy foam. The sound desk also called although its voice was old and worn but it was taken into our arms and we took them both home.

On returning to the temple of UBSA we sat in a corner waiting for the music to abate.

Then movent caught our eye; Chris and Dave had returned, they were performing strange gestures, then we hear again the "errr!!" and we knew they were unaware of the safety of the desk.

At this knowledge they panicked with flailing arms and whimpers of pain they searched, but the desk was nowhere, they asked two passersby where the desk was and they mockingly said, "Two blokes from the night club came and knicked it."

So Chris did panic some more and went to consult the DJ but the oracle could not answer.

Just as they were about to give up they saw the sniggering forms of the directors in the corner and then they went ballistic and threatened to kill them by depriving them of the holy gaffer tape.

And the moral of this story, always find the techie director for he shall have the equipment.

The Birth of a Techie: And lo a parcan in yonder western sky, did shine with '152' light. The nieve Fresher was attracted to its golden glow but alas there was no room at the proj. box. "Try the rostra store where ye may well be able to find a place among the old damp sets of yesteryear.". So the fair techie child arrived at the portal to the lowly store and stepped through to find its techie parents who had returned for Freshers Week. The Fresher was quickly converted to techieism and began uttering the sacred words: 'gaffa', 'AJ' and 'lecky' were among the prononcements.

And low on the second day three members of the ruling party of techie land did arrive bearing gifts of wonderment:

The first bought the backstage pager, for communication is the second most holy virtue.
The second, wearing a cape of black velvet bought the sacred roll of gaffa for no techie can be truly fulfilled without the wonderment of the gaffa.
The third addorned in strange headwear bought a strange cable which he described as "shedloads of these to shedloads of these."

The techie was truly amazed and grateful.

The three then left but not before promsing full and comprehensive training to all new Fresher techies. At this the techie parents could bare the silence no longer and burst into tears.

On the third day three more wise men/persons arrived. Instead of gifts they bought pearls of wisdom:

The first, the director, spoke of the promised land. "One day you shall enter the promised land, the new theatre will be completed."
The second spoke of the treatment of lowly things. "Dont drag the chairs across the floor."
The third and final visitor just stood there in silence for the masters were down and the amps were turned off. So no-one could hear St. Luke offer to buy a round of drinks.