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[Pokémon] (Sorta a LoZ: MM fusion) Velo's Days of Time

VelocityQ

Back from the dead!
95
Posts
12
Years
    • Chapter 1: Dawn of a New Beginning
    ​
    "Hellooo???? Anyone here?" said a voice.
    "It's useless, Velo," said the second voice.
    "No it's not, Llusion," said Velo.

    E-Wallace.png

    Velo: A young man who is searching to find his friends that he's lost in the past. Calm and relaxed, even in battle.

    571.gif

    Llusion: Velo's friend, and partner for as long as they know. He, as well, is clam and relaxed in battle.


    "Trust me, you won't find them," said Llusion.
    "Why do you have to be such a downer all the time?" replied Velo.
    "Hey, what's that?" Llusion said.
    "What's wha----"
    Velo fell off the thing that seemed to be a Zebstrika.
    "Ohhhhhhhh....." moaned Velo.
    "Hey, look at all of his stuff," replied the masked man.
    "Can I see it? Lemme touch it!" said a small voice.
    "No, you'll break it!" replied another small voice.
    "Quiet! Both of you! He'll wake up with both of you making that racket!" said the masked man.
    "Hey, Leon, what's that?" said the first small voice.
    "What's what, Mako?" said the second small voice.
    "Over there, Mika," replied Mako.
    "Now I see it," said Mika.
    "Looks like an instrument," said Leon.
    Leon blew into the little flute.
    "Hahahahaha! Sounds funny!" Leon said, laughing.
    Leon blew into the flute again.
    "Hahahahahah!" laughed Leon.
    "Ohhhhh man.....What happened?" asked Velo.
    "Hahahhahahaha"! laughed Leon.
    "Drop. My. Flute," said Velo.
    "Huh? You? Oh well. Take this!" said Leon
    Leon threw a whole bunch of dust into Velo's eyes.
    "Ack!" gagged Velo, "I'm gonna get you!"
    Velo chased down the man into the cave.
    "Oh no. Bwahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Velo.

    Dawn of the First Day
    "Where am I?" asked Velo.

    End of Chapter 1
    More to come
    ​
     
    psyanic

    psyanic

    pop a wheelie on a zeitgeist
    1,284
    Posts
    12
    Years
    • Age 27
    • USA
    • Seen Apr 10, 2023
    VelocityQ said:
    "Hellooo???? Anyone here?" said a voice.
    "It's useless, Velo," said the second voice.
    Click to expand...
    The extra "???" are really unnecessary as well as the "-oo" at the end of "Hello". I'm sure they're there to add emphasis, but it just looks sloppy. Also, you might want to use a different word set when mentioning a second voice. You should describe it, like how much it contrasted with the first or simply how it sounds.

    VelocityQ said:
    Velo fell off the thing that seemed to be a Zebstrika.
    Click to expand...
    This sentence could have been expanded to help the readers visualize the action. More details could have been used, and would have been more helpful to add to the enjoyment of reading the story. This is just bland. It makes me feel that the author is lazy.

    VelocityQ said:
    "Hey, Leon, what's that?" said the first small voice.
    "What's what, Mako?" said the second small voice.
    "Over there, Mika," replied Mako.
    Click to expand...
    You don't need to bold a character's name when they're first introduced. Simply saying their names to each other is enough. The readers aren't stupid. Also, use your vocabulary. I get kind of irritated when people use "said" over and over again. Try something like exclaimed or remarked or even asked. And add spacing between different lines of dialogue and paragraphs. It helps the formatting, making it easier for people to read.

    This fic is very plain. I thought of it like whipped cream. It looks nice and fluffy with fonts and pictures, but it's still whipped cream. I'm not sure if your original intentions were for it to be a script, because that's what it really looks like. I can see a small bit of actions here and there, but they're all said in a single sentence. Expand on them a bit.

    The pictures (Wallace/Zoroark) were not needed. Let your writing be the picture. The personalities should be revealed as the story progresses.

    Finally, there is a lack of setting. It was mentioned somewhere at the end, where it was written in something like "The man chased him down the cave." Isn't that a little too late to even bother mentioning it? One of the first things I learned in writing was the 5 W's, Who, What, When, Where, and Why. The setting is When/Where, so I find it to be crucial.

    Ask yourself questions when you write. You might want to proofread before you post as well. The main question you should ask yourself is, "Would I want to read this story, myself?" If the answer is no, fix the problems.
     

    VelocityQ

    Back from the dead!
    95
    Posts
    12
    Years
    • psyanic said:
    The extra "???" are really unnecessary as well as the "-oo" at the end of "Hello". I'm sure they're there to add emphasis, but it just looks sloppy. Also, you might want to use a different word set when mentioning a second voice. You should describe it, like how much it contrasted with the first or simply how it sounds.


    This sentence could have been expanded to help the readers visualize the action. More details could have been used, and would have been more helpful to add to the enjoyment of reading the story. This is just bland. It makes me feel that the author is lazy.


    You don't need to bold a character's name when they're first introduced. Simply saying their names to each other is enough. The readers aren't stupid. Also, use your vocabulary. I get kind of irritated when people use "said" over and over again. Try something like exclaimed or remarked or even asked. And add spacing between different lines of dialogue and paragraphs. It helps the formatting, making it easier for people to read.

    This fic is very plain. I thought of it like whipped cream. It looks nice and fluffy with fonts and pictures, but it's still whipped cream. I'm not sure if your original intentions were for it to be a script, because that's what it really looks like. I can see a small bit of actions here and there, but they're all said in a single sentence. Expand on them a bit.

    The pictures (Wallace/Zoroark) were not needed. Let your writing be the picture. The personalities should be revealed as the story progresses.

    Finally, there is a lack of setting. It was mentioned somewhere at the end, where it was written in something like "The man chased him down the cave." Isn't that a little too late to even bother mentioning it? One of the first things I learned in writing was the 5 W's, Who, What, When, Where, and Why. The setting is When/Where, so I find it to be crucial.

    Ask yourself questions when you write. You might want to proofread before you post as well. The main question you should ask yourself is, "Would I want to read this story, myself?" If the answer is no, fix the problems.
    Click to expand...
    Alright, I will try to make it with more of your tips. Those were good tips. Not lying. Also, love your signature. Really funny
     
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