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Let's Go Rangers!
- 528
- Posts
- 19
- Years
- Madison Square Garden
- Seen Mar 16, 2009
"On" in your title should be capatalized. Only article and some preositions are spared capatalization in titles, and on is not one of them.
You use the word 'light' four times in the first three sentences. It disrupts flow and begins to sound sing-song-ish if you're not careful.
Again, a title that lacks capatalization. Not to mention that Loch Ness is a proper noun and would be capatalized no matter what. "Nessie the Loch Ness Monster" is correct.
You keep using the word 'light'. Word has a built-in thesaurus; I'd pull it out.
Comma overdose. Actually, I'd make this two sentences. If you don't want to, take out the first and last commas. Remember, a comma is a pause in narration. Read this over stopping at each comma-- it sounds disjointed. Also, he says he agrees that it is hard, but then says that is is 'at most' hard? So he actually thinks it isn't that hard? As for the two sentences, I'd recommend something like, "I agree with those who think so. It is hard to raise a pokemon, but eventually they will return the favor with companionship."
Also, you probably should capatalize 'pokemon' when not referring to the francise. We don't capatalize 'animal,' do we?
Wasn't as excited as what?
This hyphen could probably bear to be a semicolon. Also, when hyphenating narrtion, you use a double-hyphen (--). A single hyphen (-) denotes the hyphenation of a word.
In this fourth paragraph, you switch from past to present tense. Also, it's very scattered. You throw in random ideas that have little connection. It seems as if you wanted to include these things but had no where to put them.
Oxymoronic. To say 'If I could...' implies not being able to, but then you say it would be hard if you could... but you already told us you can't, so do you mean that if you /tried/ to describe her ti would be hard? The syntax there is a tad messy.
The grammar here was fine, but the prose and wording itself needs work. YOu switch tenses a few times and throw random information at us. It's all a little boring; nothing is happening. I think if you got a beta you'd be fine.
You use the word 'light' four times in the first three sentences. It disrupts flow and begins to sound sing-song-ish if you're not careful.
Again, a title that lacks capatalization. Not to mention that Loch Ness is a proper noun and would be capatalized no matter what. "Nessie the Loch Ness Monster" is correct.
You keep using the word 'light'. Word has a built-in thesaurus; I'd pull it out.
Comma overdose. Actually, I'd make this two sentences. If you don't want to, take out the first and last commas. Remember, a comma is a pause in narration. Read this over stopping at each comma-- it sounds disjointed. Also, he says he agrees that it is hard, but then says that is is 'at most' hard? So he actually thinks it isn't that hard? As for the two sentences, I'd recommend something like, "I agree with those who think so. It is hard to raise a pokemon, but eventually they will return the favor with companionship."
Also, you probably should capatalize 'pokemon' when not referring to the francise. We don't capatalize 'animal,' do we?
Wasn't as excited as what?
This hyphen could probably bear to be a semicolon. Also, when hyphenating narrtion, you use a double-hyphen (--). A single hyphen (-) denotes the hyphenation of a word.
In this fourth paragraph, you switch from past to present tense. Also, it's very scattered. You throw in random ideas that have little connection. It seems as if you wanted to include these things but had no where to put them.
Oxymoronic. To say 'If I could...' implies not being able to, but then you say it would be hard if you could... but you already told us you can't, so do you mean that if you /tried/ to describe her ti would be hard? The syntax there is a tad messy.
The grammar here was fine, but the prose and wording itself needs work. YOu switch tenses a few times and throw random information at us. It's all a little boring; nothing is happening. I think if you got a beta you'd be fine.