View Full Version : orre love (advanceshipping) part 2

February 13th, 2006, 4:41 PM
part 1 is in pokedream, unfortunatly ive been baned so i'll just continue here!:D

here is the review
review last time ash,may,misty,max and brock went to orre ash caught cipher's lugia and may got their ho-oh their pokemon have been later purified and the leader of cipher called a back up lugia and ho-oh and planing to creat something more evil than fierce shadow...something worse...and im continueing from may and misty's flame war time to continue!

all of may's and misty's pokemon fainted so they were about to wrestle untill ash came out
"what are you 2 doing?"
may:"uhh ...pokemon battle?:nervous: "

ash went indoors
misty:you got lucky now , untill next time may! hump! >_<"
the girls returned their pokemon and went seperate ways.they planed on how to kill(literally) each other.ash smells a rat about the 2 of em but he tought to himself what is going on? he likes misty and may and he's afraid he could get between the devil and the deep blue sea one day.

i will continue later today and a little somethingANOTHER WAR!

oni flygon
February 13th, 2006, 5:23 PM
Interesting... though you may want to improve a little bit more on spelling and grammar. And maybe it'd be really nice if you can post the first part as not everyone of us read it or know of it.

Anyways, you may want to improve a little more on the plot and especially descriptions since all you did is provide us a summary of something but not entirely an actual story. So maybe these threads will help you:


February 13th, 2006, 5:34 PM
Meh, you really need to post the first chapter. Work on your grammar and spelling skills. Also puncuation marks and you really shouldn't put smilies in quotation marks. Also, TEH LENGHT.[/annoying mini mod]

February 13th, 2006, 6:14 PM
i posted the first chap on the pokedream.com, forums but i've been banned so might want to go there then continue here, i cant link to the forums, its against the rules around here, go to pdream.proboards48.com by your self,the thread may be closed and its called orre love,tell me of the last replies
as time came passing by may and misty get in wars,too usally...OH NO its time for the other forums i swear i'll continue later or tommorow after noon!

February 13th, 2006, 6:21 PM
Just..go to the links. Regardless of what forum you posted this in, it wouldn't be qualified as a decent fanfic. =/ At least try to put effort into it, and use spell checker if you have. Otherwise, I'd strongly recommend a beta reader - someone who checks over your work for you prior to the actual posting. ^_^;

February 18th, 2006, 6:11 AM
may and misty kept catfighting.misty usally lost.colluseum to colluseum,and town to town.ash cought them in a brerath holding contest.

ash:what are you 2 doing?
misty and may:never mind -_-

now it was serous,they were planning on how to get rid of each other once and for all...weapons!they had pokemon as weapons and homemade different kinds of firearms

they met each other at the same time same place

WAR!!!they shouted

they hit pysically,non-pysically,and psychicully untill ash took a peek out the door.

may to misty:ASH IS MINE!!!mine!!!!MINE!!!!mine!!!!

ASHSTOP! what is all this about?

may:....:shocked: :confused: :embarrass :nervous: uh... a piece of candy?

ash:now plz tell me the truth :sleeping:

they got caught! what will they say?nxt time on orre love a BIG choice for ash and i'll hop in!

February 18th, 2006, 6:15 AM
I will give you one last chance...as I've stated, this does not qualify for a decent fic. If your next installment doesn't get better, this will be closed.

March 5th, 2006, 1:46 PM
OMHMFOTDG!i dont know how to continue!ga?can someone pm me about ideas to connect the part im on the the grand finally?

March 5th, 2006, 1:59 PM
If you wish to continue at all, you must listen to what has been said. This doesn't really seem like an actual fic at all, more of a spammish post with many errors in grammar and spelling that attempts to follow a storyline. Your writing is indescriptive, your style inconsistent. You switch around from narrative format to script to who-knows-what. Your language seems more like that of an internet noob than a decent writer.

Suggestions? Do what has been said before. Look at the links that have been given. READ THEM. Then try to raise yourself and this fic to those standards. Do you see books out there with writing like this? I rest my case. I don't mean to be harsh, I merely mean to criticize constructively to help you become a better fanfic author. If you don't at least make an attempt to fix this, it will inevitably get locked/closed.