View Full Version : The Village Guardian

Dr. Mack Foxx
April 28th, 2006, 11:09 AM
Greetings. This is the first part of a story that I've been writing for the last several months. After getting some good feedback on it after posting it in the Gardevoir Fan Club here at Poke' Community, I've decided to share it with the rest of the fan-fiction community. It's a big one, weighing in at 104 pages of 12-point type (105 pages if you count the title/info page.) You'll need Microsoft Word in order to view it. However, if you don't have Microsoft Word, you can download a free Microsoft Word Viewer.

There isn't anything inappropriate in this story (IE: Excessive Violence, Swearing, Adult Situations, etc.) But I would rate this story Ages 10+ for Violence.

I really can't give a synopsis without ruining the story. Check out the Gardevoir Fan Club here at Poke' Community starting with page 71 to view comments on my story via this link:


Therefore, I now present part one of three in my series...

The Village Guardian

Constructive critisim is always welcome. I hope you'll enjoy my story.

NOTE: If you need the Microsoft Word Veiwer, use this URL to get it. It's free.


I look forward to your reviews and comments. Thank you!

April 28th, 2006, 11:24 AM
Can't you just copy it over to the forum? It would be a lot easier to read.

Schizophrenic Charmander
April 28th, 2006, 1:01 PM
I'm afraid not. We're talking about 104 pages of 12 point type. Copying such an amount of text and pasting into a forum is really quite ridiculous. Do you not have Microsoft Word or a Word Viewer?

I do. I was just thinking about convinience.

oni flygon
April 28th, 2006, 3:49 PM
Might as well break the thing into chapters and post them individually in this thread. =D

Dr. Mack Foxx
April 28th, 2006, 4:22 PM
"Might as well break the thing into chapters and post them individually in this thread. =D" -Akinar

A good idea, but still too messy. I don't consider a really, really long web page to be convinient.

April 29th, 2006, 11:20 AM
A good idea, but still too messy. I don't consider a really, really long web page to be convinient.

In all aspects of posting-intelligence, unless the entire story is finished, Naminé thinks that this is a highly ineffective method of posting a story. Though it maybe inconvenient for Dr. Mack Foxx to go through a huge amount of texts and copy them out chapter by chapter as it requires a lot of work, it doesn't require anything more than effort. On the other hand, it is even more inconvenient for Naminé to go through a download and potentially risk downloading a destructive file...

Naminé believes that when she skimmed over the various FAQs all over this forum besides for the game making tutorials for computer techies and not for normal people, she saw a section about how fanfics should post one chapter at a time to strategically earn more reviews. When people are reading a smaller quantity, they tend to pick up mistakes and write comments more than the entire story being slapped at them.

Saying that a long web page isn't convenient is silly to Naminé's ears. What is the difference between a long webpage and a long word document, except that one of them requires work from the writer and the other one requires work from the reader? Silly, silly, excuse...

Naminé doesn't know where to begin in stating what she read before she stopped reading on page 4... perhaps she will do so another day.

Dr. Mack Foxx
April 29th, 2006, 6:00 PM
"On the other hand, it is even more inconvenient for Naminé to go through a download and potentially risk downloading a destructive file... " -Naminé

You can't really embed a virus in a Word Document. That's like trying to embed a virus in MP3 audio or a DivX movie.

I really wish you people would concentrate on my story instead of what method I'm using to distribute it. The Rules didn't give any hint of how one should post thier fan-fics (IE: Download, one piece at a time, etc). A download seemed like the best solution for a fan-fiction as large as this.

April 30th, 2006, 11:58 AM
Naminé believes the otherwise. Does not a game focuses on how to snatch the most amount of attention in every E3 conference with the most brilliant trailers possible? Does not a movie puts in heavy budget for advertisement? Even with Naminé's lack of knowledge on politics, she is certain that even political figures can win with appearance on television and manners, and not merely on political ideologies alone. Why else do writers put such a heavy emphasis on the title and their short summary on fanfiction.net? That is because those are the only eyecatchers possible for a story, and they are only way to attract readers. If Naminé isn't very pleased about how the story is delievered, then why should she read it if she's not interested? Like what Ms. Lily said in the fanfiction lounge, Naminé can stop reading and commenting whenever she feels disinterested. The package and other forms of appeal from the story to the readers before reading the actual story has its fair share of importance in Naminé's mind.

She did read a couple of pages of the story though. Yet Naminé feels that she is being dictated about something that happened, as if she is reading a history textbook. The narration seems to be highly objective as if it is only recording a series of events, and there is a lack of explanations and details. Details are not only physical description, but they also have to include why something happened, or description about the emotional level too. Everything seems to happen "just because it did." The entire incidence with the Firefox to travel through dimensions is difficult to comprehend for Naminé, and the sudden jump to mention the Pokemon Anime characters did not help Naminé in understanding the situation, if not make it more confusing than ever.

Some of the actions so far seem to happen just to add to the length of the fanfiction, in Naminé's honest opinions. Why is there a need to talk about Dr. Mack Foxx drinking coffee unless it contributes in some way? Naminé tries hard to see a significance in it, yet every possible explanation seems to be contradicting another part of the story, until she is left with the belief that it is there for pointless reasons. Also, Naminé has a feeling that explanations are thrown at her in the most random direction and fastest pace possible. Sometimes, Naminé is more interested in a story if details are slowly fed to the readers a lightly bit at a time, at times when the details are relevant and important. When Naminé looks at Ch.1, it does not seem to be so.

Perhaps Ms. Lily should simply ask for another reviewer to do the job. Naminé is obviously not fitting~

Dr. Mack Foxx
April 30th, 2006, 12:27 PM
What you were reading was a bit of a back story. That was an explaination of why Dr. Mack Foxx is in the world of Poke'mon as well as what he did while he's been there so far. As far as Mack drinking coffee, I was attempting to be discriptive as to what was happening at the moment.

My other readers thuroughly enjoyed the story and liked the amount of detail that I used. Granted, the story does start off slow, as one reader pointed out. Read the whole story and if it still doesn't work for you, let me know.

JX Valentine
April 30th, 2006, 3:18 PM
Review for Chapters One through Six

I'll admit that I didn't get too far because I can't finish 105 pages in one sitting. (This is also part of what makes just posting on the forums more convenient for the reader. They don't have to download a file this big. But I digress.)

So, let's start from the ground and work our way up, shall we?

No errors. Nice job.

The major thing I find unsettling is the fact that Mack might just be a Gary Stu thanks to the following traits:

- Being named after the author. (Yes, characters named after the author are very likely to be Gary Stus. In all honesty, there's maybe one or two instances I can recall in which this isn't so.)
- Hybrid.
- Doesn't even come from the same world.
- Has enough intelligence to develop technology capable of capturing any Pokemon... and, well, to create a suit of armor that makes him more agile and stronger than normal.
- Powerful psychic powers.
- Has befriended Ash and company before the start of the story.

It's really a combination of those traits (although the powers and incredible intelligence alone could signal a Stu) that raise red flags. It can go either way, though. There's a lot of red flag points you didn't cross (angsty past, for example). Either way, if he does turn out to be a Stu, while it's technically possible to work around a Gary Stu, I'm not so sure at this point how having one would go for you. It may actually hinder your story by giving the readers a hero far too incredible to be believable... or just annoying with Stuness. So far, it seems that he might just upstage many of the other characters (except maybe Cecil and Dr. Newman), if he hasn't already. Hopefully, that makes sense.

Speaking of the villains, I do find them to be alright, if not amusing in their own way.

It's the exposition, but it's advancing decently. There are points where I feel as if it might have been better if you just showed us rather than told us (such as through flashbacks), but I can let that go since you're trying to lay a foundation for the rest of the story.

That said, I'm guessing the story picks up from chapter seven, so I think I'll save this for now and get back to you periodically (once every five to ten chapters). As of right now, I think I'll give this three stars on a five-star scale. Not bad but still just a bit "meh."

Dr. Mack Foxx
May 1st, 2006, 4:47 PM
Ah! I remember you from the Gardevoir Fan Club. The story does pick up. Thanks and I look forward to more of your comments.

Dr. Mack Foxx
May 8th, 2006, 8:33 AM
So, how is everyone liking my story so far?

EDIT: I hope to see some more comments and reviews soon!