View Full Version : Poetry

July 12th, 2006, 6:53 PM
Ooph. I'm not very good with poems, so constructive criticism is definitely welcomed. Help me if you can! @^.^@

Per chance I saw, one day that I
if I were to write, I'd sure defy
the laws of stanza, meter, beat
- things that make my words complete.

But just this once I thought I'd try,
me, a dabbler, three skills too shy
a concept new to see and learn
a talent I had always yearned

Who can naught but clear understand
the glassy touch of words' demand
has true an eye which one beholds
past mist and fog, a poetic mold.

black panther
July 15th, 2006, 12:44 AM
that was a lovely poem!!!
keep up the good work.

July 15th, 2006, 9:48 AM
Delete one of your posts. I don't really have anything to say about this poem, I read it last night. Good job.

July 15th, 2006, 9:50 AM
Please don't double post, black panther! >.<;;

Thank you to both of you for the encouraging comments. I reallyyyy appreciate the time given to read this...I didn't think it turned out that well, seeing how I rushed a bit. ^-^;; Again, thank you!

-Mikuru ♥

July 16th, 2006, 1:27 PM
What went wrong: I don't really have much to say here. I really liked the piece in question. What I do have to say is that it seems barely incomplete, like there was one final thought you wanted to get in but didn't quite manage to convey. The other thing being, your final couplet felt the tiniest bit awkward.

What went right: Your rhythm and rhyme were all but impeccable, and that was enjoayble to see (Pointless side note from the critic: I'm sick of seeing poorly rhymed poems for the sake of having a rhyme scheme). Also, I liked the source material. You're being playful and light with your work instead of trying to consistantly conjure the heaviest of emotions from the reader. This poem appeals to the lighter side of things. Good job. Also, your use of enjambment was well done and actually served to increase the reader's interaction with the poem.

How to improve: Maybe revise a few times to see if you can't make that last couplet a little less unwieldy? Also, maybe think about the completion thing... Or not, I could just be crazy.

Overall score: 9/10. Exemplary work!

July 16th, 2006, 1:56 PM
I'm...so honored to be reviewed by PC's Unofficial Critic! O.O *bow*

Thank you for the advice! It's true that I even felt it to be incomplete, with some parts missing out...however, my impatience got the better of me so I inevitably winded up posting it earlier than planned. I'm too greedy for reviews. Ah, and I should really fix the last quatrain..it sounds weird now that I read it outloud. =0=;

Much thanks for the helpful comments, ~Ozy~! '___' <3

-Mikuru ♥