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Betrayal [PG-13]

Deathspector

I'm so hardcore, I'm "X"-rated
345
Posts
18
Years
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Being the first book in the

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A/N: Hello readers. Here we go. The biggest Pokémon fanfiction I have ever undertaken, and the fanfiction that I have put the most amount of work into. I introduce you to Betrayal. A story of the life of one young youth, who's world is turned upside down by the malicious dreams of a evil maniac and his cronies. This story will take you to the world of Pokémon, inhabited by the worst possible emotions. This is not a Dark story, but it moves Pokémon into a more realistic light, far away from the normal happiness of a Trainer Story. I must warn you that the story might get bloody at times, and it might involve scenes with "inappropriate" wordings. You have bee warned. Please enjoy the story. Feedback in much appreciated.

– Synopsis –

The loss of a hero is often the worst possible blow upon society that can be withstood.. Heroes are thought of as all-powerful and never will someone think that a hero could be lost. Heroes are thought to be the protectors of the place that they live, and if one is lost, it can often leave the world around in pain so sharp that it is almost unbearable. However, there is one thing worse than losing a hero to the icy claws of death.

And that is losing the hero to the enemy.

The worst possible feeling for any member of any army is seeing a former mentor in the enemy army. Especially if that hero was the only hope of survival for the people around. The only hero who was believed in betrayed his own people and deserves to be burnt alive. Yes, it was:

Ash Ketchum.


– Prologue –
The Twins

The two creatures were intertwined as they spiralled further and further downward in a constant frenzy.

The two fought fiercely, desperate to get the upper hand and move back upward, but instead, both of them flew downward, succumbing to the force of gravity. They were fighting for the protection of humankind. Although they both had the same intentions, one of them would eventually have to give up or be defeated. It was the way of life for the Twins, and if it was not fulfilled, the world would be thrust into utter disaster.

One of them was an iridescent green in colour, and glowed brightly as it flew into the depths of darkness. Its body was shaped in the same pattern as that of a large lizard, with short and stubby legs, which bent outward then inward. Sharp, yellowing claws at the end of the four legs were digging into the opponent. From its bottom jaw, one large canine jutted out dangerously. Its tail was long, and powerful, continuously brandishing the enemy's body with deliberate strength.

The other one was just as prepared for the fight. It was a deep purple in colour, and shaped very much like a large bird. It's eyes were glowing crimson, the very same colour of the blood that was flowing out of the two creatures' wounds. Each wing was twice the size of its body, and curved at the end. Its talons were visible, and they were just as sharp as the opponent's claws. Its underbelly was a pale blue in colour, and seemed to emanate a sense of power as the two powerful beasts went at each other.

It seemed like there would never be a victor for this fight, but it was the creatures' instincts to fight until desperate exhaustion. The Twins had no choice but to kill each other, every time the previous loser awakened from its hibernation. For the Twins could never really be killed, but merely sent into a millennium-long hibernation, or encased in a substance called anti-matter. Without these two, they could never be defeated in a battle.

Such was the life of the Twins.
 
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Alter Ego

that evil mod from hell
5,751
Posts
18
Years
Ehh...this is kind of short as of yet, but I guess that's okay since it's only a prologue. Ash as a traitor, eh? Sounds like an interesting twist...I never trusted that little twerp anyway...knew he was up to something, knew it!

Anyhow...
Deathspector said:
The loss of a hero is often the worst possible blow upon society that can be withstood.

"that can the withstood"? I think you meant to say 'be'. At any rate, the word that is currently there is incorrect.
Deathspector said:
The worst possible feeling for any member of any army is seeing a former mentor in the enemy army

You can be on the enemy's side, but you are in an army. That's the way this language works. The repetition of 'army' here is also a bit awkward stylistically. You might want to replace that with an alternative expression, unless repetition was the effect you were going for in which case I apologize for my ignorance.
Deathspector said:
The only hero who was believed in betrayed his own people, and deserves to be burnt alive.

No comma required here because the 'and' is already doing that job.
Deathspector" said:
The two creatures were intertwined as they spiralled further and further downward, in a constant frenzy.

No comma required here either.
Deathspector said:
The two fought fiercely, desperate to get the upper hand, and move back upward, but instead, both of them flew downward, succumbing to the force of gravity. They were fighting for the protection of humankind. Although they both had the same intentions, one of them would eventually have to give up, or be defeated. It was the way of life for the Twins, and if it was not fulfilled, the world would be thrust into utter disaster.

Two redundant commas after "upper hand" and "give up", respectively. Also, "eventually" should be located before "have to" rather than after it.
Deathspector said:
One of them was an iridescent green in colour, and glowed brightly as it flew into the depths of darkness. Its body was shaped in the same pattern as that of a large lizard, with short and stubby legs, which bent outward then inward. Sharp, yellowing claws at the end of the four legs were digging into the opponent. From its bottom jaw, one large canine jutted out dangerously. Its tail was long, and powerful, continuously brandishing the enemy's body with deliberate strength.

Redundant commas after "green in colour" and "stubby legs". 'which' rather than 'that'. Also, if you want to use "before" here then it should be something like "short and stubby legs which bent outward before bending inward again", otherwise, go with "then". The sentence still seems a bit off to me, especially since it would be rather tricky to fit such bend into legs that are both short and stubby. In the next sentence, you could improve the flow simply by changing the position of the 'were' and removing the stuff that becomes redundant as a result. The dog-like thing (canine) in the jaw is kind of a freaky touch, but I guess that's monsters for ya', eh? Although how you could fit a tail onto somethign that's jutting out of someone's jaw is beyond me, unless of course either A) it's the rear end that's sticking out or B) the whole canine-thing is upside down. If this sentence isn't referring to the canine anymore then you need to indicate that by referring to "the creature" or something like that in the beginning of the sentence. Also, there is one body, from which it follows that it's "the enemy's body" rather than "the enemies' body". If you meant that it was taking advantage of many bodies then it should be "the enemies' bodies".
Deathspector said:
The other one was just as prepared for the fight. It was a deep purple in colour, and shaped very much like a large bird. It's eyes were glowing crimson, the very same colour of the blood that was flowing out of the two creatures' wounds. Each wing was twice the size of its body, and curved at the end. Its talons were visible, and they were just as sharp as the opponent's claws. Its underbelly was a pale blue in colour, and seemed to emanate a sense of power as the two powerful beasts went at each other.

Redundant commas after "colour", "its body", "visible", and "pale blue in colour". Also, the plural possessive of creature is creatures', with the apostrophe last and an apostrophe is missing from "opponents". Also, "Each wing was twice the size of its body and curves" seems to indicate that the creature is female and...erm...never mind that, there could be kiddies viewing this page. :paranoid: The adjective 'curved' seems to be what you're looking for here.
Deathspector said:
It seemed like there would never be a victor for this fight, but it was the creatures' instincts to fight until desperate exhaustion. The Twins had no choice but to kill each other, every time the previous loser awakened from its hibernation. For the Twins could never really be killed, but merely sent into a millennium-long hibernation, or encased in a substance called anti-matter. Without these two, they could never be defeated in a battle.

Such was the life of the Twins.

A redundant comma after "each other" and a missing hiphon in millennium-long. There would never be a victor for the fight rather than out of. You could also use an alternative expression like "there would never be a victor to step triumphant out of this fight" in which case the current expression would work. The possessive for creatures should once again be fixed in the next sentence, and the phrase sounds a bit off and would probably require quite a fundamental change for a fix. Maybe something like "but the instincts of the creatures compelled them to fight until desperate exhaustion". There are also some jumps into present tense, which isn't right since this story is told in past tense. The "could never be" and "can be sent" don't seem to be very happy together, either. You could just say sent with an additional expression like 'merely' instead to eliminate chunkiness. It's also kind of odd that you first start talking about hibernation about fights to the death and then explain why. You could add clarity by rearranging it like so:

Example said:
It seemed like there would never be a victor for this fight, for the Twins could never really be killed, but merely sent into a millennium-long hibernation or encased in a substance called anti-matter. Without these two, they could never be defeated in a battle, but it was the creatures' instincts to fight until desperate exhaustion, and so the Twins had no choice but to kill each other every time the previous loser awakened from its hibernation.

Also...you do know where anti-matter gets its name from, right? That stuff doesn't play nice with matter, so I don't think you can encase anyone in it. Don't shoot me if I'm wrong. o.o Finally, 'thus just' doesn't work for itself like that, 'such' is the word to use.


Overall, this setting those seem to have plenty of the classical 'dark' elements with the whole betrayal, violent fight scene and eternal feud theme, but I guess that's going to change if you say that it's going to change. Do you have any set date for the first actual chapter?
 
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Deathspector

I'm so hardcore, I'm "X"-rated
345
Posts
18
Years
Alter Ego said:
Also...you do know where anti-matter gets its name from, right? That stuff doesn't play nice with matter, so I don't think you can encase anyone in it. Don't shoot me if I'm wrong. o.o

But that's the whole point. And yes, I do know what anti matter is. I did my homework, so don't worry. The reason anti-matter was chosen was that the only things capable to using anti-matter are the twins. And they don't do it in the "normal world", but in a world where matter just doesn't exist.

Alter Ego said:
Overall, this setting those seem to have plenty of the classical 'dark' elements with the whole betrayal, violent fight scene and eternal feud theme, but I guess that's going to change if you say that it's going to change. Do you have any set date for the first actual chapter?

Well, it does have a slight Dark element to it, although the entire plot isn't focussed on the "Dark" part. I'm trying not to be too stereo-typical here. And as for the first Chapter, it should be up tomorrow or day-after, depending on whether or not I can get my fingers on the computer tomorrow.

But anyway, thanks for the review. That's exactly the type of reviews that I'm looking for. It helps me focuss on my writting skills as well as the plot. Thanks once again, and I don't mind if people have bad things to say about my story, as long as it isn't "ZOMFG ur story sux ass". I would like a reaosn wht it suck's ass, thank you very much...XD

DS
 

Deathspector

I'm so hardcore, I'm "X"-rated
345
Posts
18
Years
A/N: Okay, the first Chapter. I shall be updating my chapters within every three days. Sometimes, it might be the very next day after posting the previous Chapter. Have fun.

– Chapter One –
Enter Vermillion

Ash Ketchum's Point of View

Standing at the edge of Vermillion City, I let the breeze play with my hair.

It had been ages ago that I had last felt anything even close to comfort, and being within walking distance of a city was one of them. I looked at the sparkling lights of Vermillion, and memories rushed into my brain, reminding me of the fun times I spent as a teenager. But those times were long gone. I now knew the true meaning of life, and I wasn't going to take it for granted. Ever since Master Apocalypse explained to me my most recent job, I knew that I had to carry it out, no matter what the cost.

Slung over my shoulder was a small brown rucksack. It wasn't very big, no larger than a normal school bag. But it was special in one way that no school bag would permit. Inside it, was my trusty partner, who willingly got inside the rucksack to keep me company while I went on this mission. Yes, my Pikachu was curled up in a small ball inside the bag, in an extremely uncomfortable position.

Be patient. We are almost there.

Pikachu and I had developed a telepathic connection between each other, to such an extent that our minds were connected as one, and we could sense each other's feelings. Because of this, by simply thinking, we could tell each other private things that would normally only be told in the absence of people. It was a very useful thing to have, especially when we were fighting.

Easier said than done, he replied, squirming around.

I smiled, and walked down southward, towards Vermillion. I had been walking for almost a week on end, from Saffron City, headquarters of the League of Shadows. The League of Shadows was created by someone, who goes by the name of Lord Apocalypse, determined on making the world a better place. He believes in having one all-powerful-leader take control of the world, and stop wars and other such atrocities from happening. However, many people believe differently, and think that Master Apocalypse wishes ill.

I recently joined the League of Shadows, and was promoted to master Apocalypse's right hand man after a successful mission that had previously failed three times. After that, I was given control over a sector of the League of Shadow's armed forces to aid me in any missions, but I rather to them myself. I find it more challenging.

As I closed in on Vermillion City, I lowered my head, and allowed my hair to fall in front of my golden-brown eyes, giving myself an artificial stoop. Master Apocalypse had recommended that I grew a beard for this mission, because people would recognise me, had I not. Also, I was a wanted man amongst the police, for no fault of my own. I knew that if I was captured, Master Apocalypse had no chance of completing his mission.

Where are we? asked Pikachu.

Just outside Vermillion, I replied.

Moving slowly, I walked towards the guards, who protected Vermillion City from the outside. The two of them were armed with two longs spears, which they lowered as I neared, blocking off my path . Master Apocalypse had warned me about these guards. They needed passports before allowing anyone in. Apparently, they only began this practice once the League of Shadows came into the open.

I slipped my hand into the pocket of my thick brown travelling cloak, and pulled out a Vermillion City inhabitant passport. Master Apocalypse had created a false passport for this mission, with a picture that looked like my current self. The guards eyed me warily, and nodded, heaving the spears upward so that I could pass.

Phase one complete, I said to Pikachu.

The guards opened the heavy metal door, and one of them said, "You've come in jus' a' the righ' time. Ga'es close in a cou'le of minu'es."

I gave both of them a warm smile, and walked through the gate, as the guards closed them behind me. There was a heavy bang from behind me, which signalled that I was in Vermillion now, and that I would have no legal way of getting out. But then again, who said what I was doing was legal?

* * *​

Vermillion City was a city that went to sleep very early, and woke up just as early. By seven o'clock, even the teenagers were heading home, to have a nice family dinner, and then off to bed. Life like this was almost unheard of to me, but I knew that it was the best place to conduct the mission because of this characteristic. Especially since I had a room in the Pokèmon Centre.

The Pokèmon Centre was open twenty-four-seven and didn't have any cut off times for people to go in and out. This was very helpful, because I could spend as much time as I wanted on the mission, and the Pokèmon Centre would not suspect a thing. Of course, I needed it to be as dark as it could get, so as to not be sighted by any late sleepers, because if I blew my cover, then it was good-bye to the League of Shadows.

At eight o'clock, I left the Pokèmon Centre, telling the nurse that I would be out training an Eevee to evolve it into an Umbreon. She bought the story, and let me out. Explaining to her that my Eevee wasn't very well trained, and that it would take a while for Eevee to evolve. She gave me one of those typical Nurse Joy understanding looks, and told me to give it my best.

The cool Vermillion night calmed dow my pounding heart as I headed south, towards the shoreline. I had been looking forward to this mission for a long time, mainly because I would get to be near the sea, something which always calmed me when I became worried or stressed out by anything around me.

Vermillion truly was a peaceful and tranquil city, especially, seeing as it was neighbours with the dreaded Saffron City. Even though the League of Shadows operates there, that city has always kept me afraid and fearful of theft and even worse criminal acts. I had had previous incidents that included that city, and t made me even more scared remembering those things…

But I was on a mission, and no stupid city was going to stop me. I hoped.

The gates to the Vermillion harbour were kept open all the time, because Vermillion was a trading city, and sometimes, ships came late at night, or early in the morning, so the gates could not be closed if traders came along. It was ideal for me, as the mission relied solely on the sea near Vermillion. If I could not access the sea, then the entire mission was a failure fortunately, Master Apocalypse made me go through several stories to use if I was caught. I needed one of them now.

"Halt! Who goes there?"

The voice was gruff, and definitely belonged to a male, unless it was a very masculine female. The firm hand caught me on my shoulder, and my instincts wanted me to attack this person, but logic and the mission held me back. I had more important things to worry apart from respect. For instance, if Pikachu made any move inside the backpack, I was a goner. I turned around to face the person who had gotten hold of me.

"Yes?" I asked, taking in the details of the person. He was tall, taller than me, with an unshaven beard, and a muscle encrusted forearm. His nails were far from clean, but then again, neither was any other part of his body. No doubt he was a guard, because an appearance like this would surely intimidate most people. Most people…

"Who are you, and what are you doing here? It's past hours," grunted the guard.

"I'm Samuel Redwood. See, I have a Charizard, that is quite powerful, however, it has a terrible weakness to water types. I know that Vermillion City harbour is best known for its Krabbies and Shellders. I thought it would be a good start for Charizard to get better by battling these weak water Pokèmon, and getting used to them, before taking on stringer ones. Besides, I believe that the Nurse Joy told me that the gates to the harbour are open twenty-four-seven. What happened to that?" I asked, jerking my shoulder from his grip, and turning to face him.

"You don't seem like a normal trainer. Why the hell are you wearing a fricking cloak?"

I sighed, and smiled, shaking my head slowly and deliberately. "It's called a travel-cloak, it helps to keep your clothes clean while travelling long distances, and keeps you warm, as well."

The guard grunted, and nodded, letting me pass. I walked quickly, trying hard to not seem like I was in a hurry. Truth be told, I had already used up half and hour, ad I didn't have much time before the sun rose again. Pikachu climbed onto my shoulder once we were out of sight of the guard, placing his small yellow paws on my shoulder.

"It is time," I whispered to him, reaching into the depths of my travelling cloak.
 

Deathspector

I'm so hardcore, I'm "X"-rated
345
Posts
18
Years
– Chapter Two –
Counsel

Jacob Saviour's Point of View

Even though the hurricane had long gone, its presence still lingered, in more than one way.

The high wind speeds were still present, and every now and then, I could see people's property flying about in the wind. It was sad to see my home, Fuchsia like this, unable to live, because they were literally besieged in underground chambers by the terrible storm. Without the dedication of Master Koga, Fuchsia would have lost most of its population. Master Koga was the person in charge of building the system underground tunnels that linked to people's houses.

A leaf flew into my face, and I brushed it off wearily. This was the first time in my entire life that I had witnessed a hurricane, and it tore my heart apart. I saw people, refusing to leave their homes, and being swept away by the hurricane's cold fingers of death. It was almost unbearable to hear Master Koga tell us to leave the poor souls who would not leave their property, not with a look at their tear strewn faces.

I scowled, stamping on a piece of twig, and crunching it between my boot and the hard earth, Far from easing my pain, it made me even angrier, and worse, still, nauseous. Keeping my thick brown trench coat tightly wrapped around myself, I wandered the streets of Fuchsia. I made my way up Road Number 67, and turned left, facing east.

Rays of purples, and pink light were peeping from behind the horizon, as if wondering if it was the correct time to come out. Somehow, this calmed me. The sunrise always had that effect on me, and at times when I felt really depressed at night, I would stay awake until the sunrise, just to get calmed down. I looked down at my watch. It was a wonder it was still working. I looked around the street until I saw a small wooden trapdoor in the middle of some rubble. I walked over it, knocking on it.

"Who's there?" came a gruff voice from within.

"It's me, Jake, open up," I replied, standing back as the trapdoor swung open. I turned my back, and began to descend down the step-ladder. I reached the bottom, and found myself in a dark chamber, lit by a single oil lantern hanging from one of the walls.

"Finally, I was getting worried," came that gruff voice. I knew who t was without even looking.

"No need to worry about me, Chester. I'm perfectly alright. Fuchsia is my home, I cannot get lost there. You on the other hand…" I trailed off.

"But Fuchsia's my home too…oh," it took him a while, but he soon realized that he was being insulted, and began to throw punches at me. Fake punches of course, if they had been real, he would have knocked me out in a matter of seconds. His muscles were well toned, and he was trained in seven disciplines of martial arts, being in third Dan black belt in all of them, except Kalaripaytu which was extremely taxing on the body.

"Okay Mister Bigfist, Master Koga told me that he wanted a council with me, do you know where he is?" I asked, dodging Chester's most recent punch, after all, he wasn't the only one trained in martial arts.

He beckoned with his finger, and turned, walking through a small doorway, his blonde hair shimmering in the dim light. I followed, envious of his easy to take-care hair. Mine was so silky, that it never stayed where I wanted it to, so I just let it fall in front of my eyes. Chester led me through a long corridor, with black doors on either side. Some of those doors led to actual rooms, others led to places like a guardroom, and other still weren't even doors, just pieces of wood on the rock. Finally, Chester reached a door (God knows how he knew it was this one), and opened it, pointing for me to go in. I obliged.

Inside, it was lit by a couple of lanterns, and after the darkness of the corridor, it was almost blinding. I closed my eyes, and opened them again, only to see Master Koga sitting on a chair, with a desk in front of him. He was dressed in a tight-fitting purple robe, which he had taken to wearing ever since he had heard that The League of Shadows was open. Apparently, he knew who the leader was, but he wasn't going to tell me. Not now, anyway. His looked at me when I entered, and nodded for me to sit down.

"I'm glad you came," he began once Chester had closed the door.

"I can't say the same," I replied, looking around warily at the dark room, as if expecting some evil enforcer to jump out and kill Master Koga.

Master Koga was the man who trained me. Ever since I was five, he had begun to train me in various forms of martial arts, to protect me against anybody who would try to kill me. When I had asked him why anybody would want to kill me, he kept silent. I always wondered if there was something he wasn't telling me. I suppose you could say it was because of him that I was wary of the room. He had trained me to be ever vigilant, even in a place that I thought was friendly.

"I'm glad you feel the same way I do," he replied ironically, "but I'm not here to chat idle talk with you. There has been a serious breach in security somewhere west of here. We need –"

I cut him off, expecting this the minute that Chester had called to say that Master Koga wanted to see me. "Let me guess. The hurricane wasn't natural?"

It was Master Koga's turn to eye me warily. "And what gave you that assumption?"

"Master Koga, you're talking to the boy you raised like a son. You taught me everything you knew, and without knowing it, producing someone who is alike you in many ways. Whatever you see, I see too. The hurricane was much too wide spread to be natural. I heard that it even hit Cinnabar. Something that ranges form Fuchsia all the way to Cinnabar cannot be natural."

Master Koga smiled in the semi-darkness. "I'm glad we think on the same level, it makes things much easier to explain. But I have some bad news. Fuchsia wasn't the extent of it. It even reached Lavender, although it only rained heavily there. I have my ideas, but I need yours."

I sighed heavily. "No one ever calls to say hi anymore. What is it that I can do?"

Master Koga grinned uncharacteristically. It wasn't normal to see him smile. Normally, he had heavy frown marks above his eyes, and his mouth was twisted downward. In fact, smiling was so unnatural to him, that it looked a lot more like an ugly grimace than a smile.

"Listen, Jake. I have my reasons to believe that the storm originated in Vermillion. If you look carefully," he explained, pulling a large map from inside one of the drawers of his desk and laying down in front of me, "almost exactly in the middle of Cinnabar and Lavender is Vermillion. So it would make sense that the storm is from Vermillion."

I looked at the map, and noticed that what he was saying made complete sense. "But why would it begin in Vermillion. To create a hurricane at such a magnitude one would need a piece of machinery as big as a Snorlax. There's no way that the people in Vermillion didn't notice that, unless it was them who did it."

"Correct. Or almost correct. You see, you would need a powerful piece of machinery, or a powerful Pokémon."

That last word caught me by surprise. I hadn't expected a Pokémon to be behind this. It wouldn't make sense. By nature Pokémon were peaceful creatures, and wouldn't summon a large hurricane like that without a reason. Besides, even a Pokémon with the power of a legendary Rayquazza wouldn't be able to create such a big hurricane, and sustain it for nearly three hours. I explained my doubts to Master Koga.

"Essentially you are correct. No Pokémon that we know of has the capability of being able to cast such a big hurricane. But what about the Pokémon we don't know about? There are still many Pokémon that we don't know," explained Master Koga, as he pulled open yet another drawer, rummaging around in it. "Now where did I put that thing?"

"What thing Master Koga," I asked, now extremely confused.

Master Koga looked up at me, and then glanced at the door. The beckoned me closer, and whispered, "I have recently been taking up projects which involves the past of Pokémon. In a way, the mythology and history of Pokémon, how they believed the world to be brought about, and so on. It has been extremely taxing work, as it is not easy to find such records. And they are written in an ancient language long forgotten. It was believed that both Pokémon and humans used to know the language and were able to converse in it. For months on end, I worked tirelessly, and to no avail. It was then, when me and my team were about to give up that we found what he wanted. It was carved on a stone, but the constant rubbing of earth on it had almost levelled out the stone. We had to use laser X-Ray technology to uncover what it said. We finally managed it, and I managed to convert the ancient language to a language closer to Shakespearean English," he explained, finally pulling something out of his drawer. "Ah, here it is. Now listen carefully What I am about to read to you is the Pokémon's version of how the earth formed, and the tragedies that happened on earth in its early years of creation. It goes like this…"
 

Deathspector

I'm so hardcore, I'm "X"-rated
345
Posts
18
Years
A/N: Meh, no one seems to be replying, so I guess this story is for me alone...XD.

– Branch Off –
How the Earth Formed: A Pokémon Legend

'Twas in the black sky
That Mother Earth first formed
Amogs't many a star and sun
She was rack'd by and storm'd

From the nether world did come
A fiery spirit of evil and spite
And agains't Mother Earth he fought
To gain control over her and right

For many a year did Mother Earth perish
Clutch'd beneath the evil spirit
For it seem'd like no saviour would come
Until Mother Earth's path was lit

When Mother Earth believeth that her time had come
Did brave souls two appear
To fight agains't the spirit of the netherworld
And cleanse Mother Earth's heart of destruction and fear

And thus they fought from night and day
And rid they did the evil spirit
Back to his homage in the netherworld
And sealed up the entrance to what they say fit

Mother Earth gave each of them a wish
That she would grant with all her power
They both wished homage on Mother earth
And she gave it to them lest they made her cower

And ever since did they slumber
And they shall only be woken up
When evil returns to their land
And they shall rid the world from evil's cup​
 

Aether

Preparing Emergency Food
1,122
Posts
17
Years
not a bad story, but what about Team Rocket and all those other evil teams out there? and could you tell us more about the new Ash and what happened to him to make him evil?
 

Deathspector

I'm so hardcore, I'm "X"-rated
345
Posts
18
Years
Darkralts7 said:
not a bad story, but what about Team Rocket and all those other evil teams out there? and could you tell us more about the new Ash and what happened to him to make him evil?

This story is a bit more realistic than your ordnary Team Rocket story. So, no, there won't be any of your normal Team's. There might be a mention to how the broke up, but they don't do anything wrong. And as for Ash, what's the point of having him evil if I tell you everything in one go. Be patient, and it will come...;)

DS
 

Alter Ego

that evil mod from hell
5,751
Posts
18
Years
Darkralts7 said:
what about Team Rocket and all those other evil teams out there?

I think the effect he is going for is called 'originality'. Not everything evil has to come from Team Rocket, ya' know. -.- The Rockets are only interested in profit, whereas Aqua and Magma believe that the solution lies either in the sea or on the land. This sort of dictatorship plotting doesn't seem like their style. That's just the way I see it, though.
Deathspector said:
Ash Ketchum's Point of View

Ya' know, I really wish you hadn't said that. :\ It would have been a lot more interesting to read through the faceless 'I' narrative and figure out who's behind it for myself. When you let readers figure some things out for themselves it makes them feel smart which makes them more compelled to come back for the rest since it feels good to feel smart. ^^ Just something to think about for the future.

Deathspector said:
It had been ages ago that I had last felt anything even close to comfort, and being within walking distance of a city was one of them.

Ehh...this sentence is a bit at odds with itself. "Was one of them" one of what? If you look at the sentence as a whole it makes no sense. o.O Also, if you are speaking about a group of things which are clearly a minority (Moments which are even close to being comfortable, in this case) then the word after the comma should be a 'but' rather than an 'and'. I'd really suggest replacing the first part of the sentence with something like "There were very few times when I felt anything even close to comfort anymore" and then following it up with "but being within walking distance of a city was one of them". Erm...I hope that was a bit clearer than mud. xD
Deathspector said:
I looked at the sparkling lights of Vermillion, and memories rushed into my brain, reminding me of the fun times I spent as a teenager. But those times were long gone. I now knew the true meaning of life, and I wasn't going to take it for granted. Ever since Master Apocalypse explained to me my most recent job, I knew that I had to carry it out, no matter what the cost.

Redundant comma after "lights of Vermillion".
Deathspector said:
Slung over my shoulder was a small brown rucksack. It wasn't very big, no larger than a normal school bag. But it was special in one way that no school bag would permit. Inside it, was my trusty partner, who willingly got inside the rucksack to keep me company while I went on this mission. Yes, my Pikachu was curled up in a small ball inside the bag, in an extremely uncomfortable position.

Redundant comma after "Inside it".
Deathspector said:
Pikachu and I had developed a telepathic connection between each other, to such an extent that our minds were connected as one, and we could sense each other's feelings. Because of this, by simply thinking, we could tell each other private things that would normally only be told in the absence of people. It was a very useful thing to have, especially when we were fighting.

You really don't need to have 'telepathic' there since you follow up with "our minds were connected as one", as they're basically synonymous. Maybe something like "Pikachu and I had developed a bond [of friendship/understanding W/E] so strong that our minds were connected as one"? *Shrug* Just as a thought-
Deathspector said:
"Easier said than done" he replied, squirming around.

Nyah, maybe you could try placing the telepathic message in cursive and quotation marks? That way you could separate them from ordinary thoughts (Should you face a need to write such) and make it easier to see precisely what is being said.
Deathspector said:
I smiled, and walked down southward, towards Vermillion. I had been walking for almost a week on end, from Saffron City, headquarters of the League of Shadows. The League of Shadows was created by someone, who went by the name of Lord Apocalypse, and he was determined to make the world a better place. He believes in having one all-powerful-leader take control of the world, and stop wars and other such atrocities from happening. However, many people believe differently, and think that Master Apocalypse wishes ill.

Unnecessary commas after "I smiled" and "created by someone". You've slipped into present tense here at times, but if you start a sentence with "The League of Shadows was created..." the whole sentence requires a past tense, so replace "goes" with "went". Also, it seems a bit odd for Ash, who apparently shares this dude's vision, to refer to Lord Apocalypse (His boss) as 'someone'. He's thinking/narrating for himself, so wouldn't it be more natural for him to present a bit more personal opinions? For instance, "The League of Shadows was created by Lord Apocalypse, a brilliant man who was determined to yadda, yadda, yadda..." You get the picture. Loaded adjectives are what I'm missing here. Especially the very end. Would he really end this kind of thing with an opinion which, it seems, contradicts his own? If I were in his shoes I'd end it with something like "A viewpoint which is born of ignorance and couldn't be further from the truth" or a similar statement. Ya' know, kind of reassuring himself that he's doing the right thing? xD
Deathspector said:
I recently joined the League of Shadows, and was promoted to master Apocalypse's right hand man after a successful mission that had previously failed three times. After that, I was given control over a sector of the League of Shadow's armed forces to aid me in any missions, but I'd rather do them myself. I find it more challenging.

"I rather to"? o.O M'hmm...I'd prefer it as 'I'd rather do" myself.
Deathspector said:
As I closed in on Vermillion City, I lowered my head, and allowed my hair to fall in front of my golden-brown eyes, giving myself an artificial stoop. Master Apocalypse had recommended that I grew a beard for this mission, because people would recognise me, had I not. Also, I was a wanted man amongst the police, for no fault of my own. I knew that if I was captured, Master Apocalypse had no chance of completing his mission.

No comma needed after "lowered my head".
Deathspector said:
Moving slowly, I walked towards the guards, who protected Vermillion City from the outside. The two of them were armed with two longs spears, which they lowered as I neared, blocking off my path . Master Apocalypse had warned me about these guards. They needed passports before allowing anyone in. Apparently, they only began this practice once the League of Shadows came into the open.

No comma needed after "the guards". Also, spears don't seem like a particularly modern thing to arm your guards with. o.O You'd expect to see something like guns and pokémon out, especially since the town gym leader was a lieutenant in the war and remains something of a military nut.
Deathspector said:
I slipped my hand into the pocket of my thick, brown travelling cloak, and pulled out a Vermillion City inhabitant passport. Master Apocalypse had created a false passport for this mission, with a picture that looked like my current self. The guards eyed me warily, but nodded, heaving the spears upward so that I could pass.

Comma needed after "thick" but not after "cloak". Also, since you stated that the guards eyed him warily, you could use a 'but' instead of an 'and' since they're doing what one would expect them not to do (That is, just opening the gate for a suspicious stranger).
Deathspector said:
The guards opened the heavy metal door, and one of them said, "You've come in jus' a' the righ' time. Ga'es close in a cou'le of minu'es."

I gave both of them a warm smile, and walked through the gate.There was a heavy bang as the gates closed behind me, signalling that I was in Vermillion now, and that I would have no legal way of getting out. But then again, who said what I was doing was legal?

Okay, we're going to need some serious sentence restructuring here. *Pokes corrections* It's a wee bit hard to explain it all, so just trust me on this one, okay? Anyway, there's no comma required after "a warm smile".
Deathspector said:
Vermillion City was a city that went to sleep very early, and woke up just as early. By seven o'clock, even the teenagers were heading home, to have a nice family dinner, and then off to bed. Life like this was almost unheard of to me, but I knew that it was the best place to conduct the mission because of this characteristic. Especially since I had a room in the Pokèmon Centre.

No commas needed after "very early" and "heading home". Also, you've got a lot of repetition in the first line with both 'city' and 'early', which doesn't look too good. Maybe you could try finding alternative ways to phrase yourself?
Deathspector said:
At eight o'clock, I left the Pokèmon Centre, telling the nurse that I would be out training an Eevee to evolve it into an Umbreon. She bought the story, and let me out. I explained to her that my Eevee wasn't very well trained, and that it would take a while for Eevee to evolve and she gave me one of those typical Nurse Joy understanding looks, telling me to give it my best.

Ho-hum, since nurse Joy was the last subject in the previous sentence, the 'explaining' is considered to refer to her, which you obviously didn't intend it to do. Therefore, try starting out with "I explained" instead, replace the full stop with an 'and' and then replace "and told" with "telling".

Vermillion truly was a peaceful and tranquil city, especially, seeing as it was neighbours with the dreaded Saffron City. Even though the League of Shadows operated there, that city had always kept me afraid and fearful of theft and even worse criminal acts. I had had previous incidents that involved that city, and remembering those things made me even more scared.

Unnecessary comma after "especially". Also, please stick to past tense at all times, and do something about the last sentence, as it's currently very clumsy and grammatically incorrect. The above is a suggestion, but by no means the only way to handle it. Also, Saffron City is hardly an incident in itself, so it should be 'involved' rather than 'included.
Deathspector said:
Because Vermillion was a trading city, the gates of Vermillion harbor were kept open all the time to attract traders. It was ideal for me, as the mission relied solely on the sea near Vermillion. If I could not access the sea, then the entire mission would be a failure. Fortunately, Master Apocalypse made me go through several stories to use if I was caught. I needed one of them now.

Okay, that's another seriously clumsy sentence you've got at the beginning of this paragraph. Please try to avoid pointless repetition of information. I provided a suggestion above, but do feel free to come up with one of you own. Also, keep the whole sentence in past tense, remove then redundant 'then' after "access the sea", and add a full stop after failure. Otherwise it makes you sentence sound like "If I could not access the sea, then my mission would be a failure, fortunately.", which is obviously a paradox since it would be fortunate for him to fail his mission.
Deathspector said:
The voice was gruff, and definitely belonged to a male, unless it was a very masculine female. The firm hand caught me on my shoulder, and my instincts wanted me to attack this person, but logic and the mission held me back. I had more important things to worry about than respect. For instance, if Pikachu made any move inside the backpack, I was a goner. I turned around to face the person who had gotten hold of me.

Please don't mix expressions like this, it's "more important things to worry about than respect". Unless you're just generally worrying then you have to worry about something.
Deathspector said:
"Yes?" I asked, taking in the details of the person. He was tall, taller than me, with an unshaven beard and a muscle-encrusted forearm. His nails were far from clean, but then again, so was the rest of his body. No doubt he was a guard, because an appearance like this would surely intimidate most people. Most people…

You can only use 'neither' if the previous part had a negation in it, but in this case there isn't. They "were far from clean", not "were'nt", you see. I'd suggest changing the 'neither' bit to just a general "so was the rest of his body".
Deathspector said:
"I'm Samuel Redwood. See, I have a Charizard. It is quite powerful, however, it has a terrible weakness against water types. I know that Vermillion City harbour is best known for its Krabbies and Shellders, so I thought it would be a good start for Charizard to get better by battling these weak water Pokèmon, and getting used to them, before taking on stronger ones. Besides, I believe that the Nurse Joy told me that the gates to the harbour are open twenty-four-seven. What happened to that?" I asked, jerking my shoulder from his grip as I turned to face him.

Okay, you have a weakness against rather than to something, and you misspelled 'stronger' there. The rest are restructuring suggestions to improve the flow of this part.
Deathspector said:
I sighed, and smiled, shaking my head slowly and deliberately. "It's called a travel-cloak. It helps to keep your clothes clean while travelling long distances, and keeps you warm, as well."

The guard grunted, and nodded, letting me pass. I walked quickly, trying hard to not seem like I was in a hurry. Truth be told, I had already used up half an hour, and I didn't have much time before the sun rose again. Pikachu climbed onto my shoulder once we were out of sight of the guard, placing his small, yellow paws on my shoulder.

Redundant commas after "I sighed", "keeps you warm", and "The guard grunted" and a missing 'n' in the 'and' after "I had already used up half an hour" (Which, incidentally, has a redundant 'd'). Also, I'd suggest placing a full stop after "travel-cloak".

Well, there you have something at least. I'll take a look at the second chapter and the little poem-thingie later, m'kay? ^^
 

evilmetal2004

Hero trainer
24
Posts
20
Years
nice fic, i find it very nicely how you describe vermillion. Dont give up just because someone doesnt reply. it takes a lonnnggg time for one person to reply, remember that there are a lot of good fics out there...
 

Deathspector

I'm so hardcore, I'm "X"-rated
345
Posts
18
Years
A/N: O_o...Thanks Alter Ego, I really need to stop those commas, don't I. But anyway, you've helped me understan my problems, and I'll try to fix it up. Also, I wasn't giving up on the fic because no one was replying, merely stating that it seemed that the fic was only written for myself. And on the topic of "Ash Ketchum's Point of view" If you read the second Chapter, you'll understand why I did that...XD.

– Chapter Three –
Aforan

Ash Ketchum's Point of View

It was almost four hours since I had begun the process, and still they had not appeared. You're probably wondering what I am talking about, so let me give you a little information. Master Apocalypse had recently heard of some discoveries by the Fuchsia Archaeological Institute involving the mythology of Pokémon. Naturally, the Institute had stored their information on a computer, with a C.D. as backup. But they were smarter than your normal company. They also rented a large amount of internet space, so they could access their information from any computer with internet access. Naturally the information was heavily coded and encrypted.

But Master Apocalypse had one hell of a team back in Saffron, and they managed to crack the code. After that was done, it was a simple matter to run the Shakespearean-English document through a translator, and there we had information far more valuable than all the treasures on the earth. But I hadn't expected them to take so long to come. When I say they I mean the legendary twin beasts of the Pokémon Legend. Master Apocalypse did some research of his own, and found out more.

The beasts could only be destroyed by each other, or encased in anti-matter. But everyone knows that it is practically impossible to encase anything in anti-matter, let alone allow anti-matter to come into contact with matter. So Master Apocalypse did even more research, and came up with another answer. There were two swords that the twins made so that when the time came, they could go inside those swords, and empower whoever was welding the sword to almost limitless power. They had wanted only people worth of saving the world to wield the sword, but no one listened to jargon like that anymore.

I had one of the swords in my hand.

It was long and thin, sharp on both edges. The blade was made from a metal that the scientists at Saffron could not identify. It was not the normal silvery sheen that a blades should be, but when it was turned in certain directions, it seemed to sine black, or a dark blue. The hilt was made from the same metal, and right at the bottom was a black jewel, again something that the scientists could not identify. Carved onto the blade was a black bird of sorts, although it was difficult to see because of how lightly the carving had been made.

Not many people knew it, but the storm that had been summoned was actually because of me. When I had drawn the sword, the beast that belonged to the sword was eager to come up, out of the depths of the water, for that was where it lived. But the other twin did not want it to go, because it sensed that I was not a worthy enough person to use the blade. The storm had been caused by the twins fighting beneath the ocean. Most of the people of Vermillion thought I was crazy to stand there, in the eye of the storm. But then again, none of them knew that I had conjured the storm. All of a sudden, the sword began to tremble, and a words wafted into my mind.

Aforan…

And all of a sudden, just like that, I knew the name of the beast that was supposed to be inside this sword. And just as suddenly, it broke the surface of the water. The creature rose out of the deep waters of the ocean, and spread its regal wings. It was a dark purple hue with crimson eyes. Those eyes bore into mine as I stood there, the swords raised above my head. Its body was glittering with droplets of water, and it seemed to float there, for it was not using its wings to keep aloft. It suddenly bent forward, and dived towards the sword. I have no idea how I knew, but I knew that I should stand still, and let it come. It was coming closer, and closer. Soon it would crash into me, and I would be squashed under its magnificently huge body. Just as I though it was going to crash, it stopped.

I opened the eyes that I had closed without knowing, and looked to see what was happening. It was the other twin. Its bright emerald body, in the pathway of Aforan and me. It seemed to be shaped rather like a crocodile, with stubby legs that jutted out, and a tail that seemed to posses more muscles than three of me put together. Its claws dug into Aforan's feathered skin, and using its tail as a balance, began to push Aforan away from me. It finally managed to do so, and Aforan was flung backwards, into the water.

The green twin grunted satisfied, only to be hit straight in the stomach by a bolt of black energy that had flown out of the water, from the point where Aforan had been submerged. I felt a joy like no other when I saw Aforan rise from beneath the water, like an angel, but black in colour. Pikachu, likewise felt the same way. We both felt an anger well up inside us, against the green twin of Aforan. We hated him for hurting our Aforan. We hated him from stopping Aforan from coming inside its sword.

"Show that green monster what we're made of Pikachu. Thunderbolt!" I yelled, channelling all of my anger into that statement.

Pikachu nodded, and closed his eyes, beginning to summon upon the power that evolution had gifted him with. He reached further within his mind than ever before, and his entire body began to crackle with electricity. He charged up as much as he could, and then let it rip. The electricity all formed into a bolt of lightning, that flew towards the green twin. The electricity hit the green twin, and dissipated almost immediately. The green twin grunted, and swung its tail backwards.

The tail came into contact with Pikachu and he was thrown towards me. He hit me in the stomach, and the force of the blow caused me to literally fly backwards and hit the wall behind me. I blinked, and tried to see what the beasts were doing. But I couldn't, because my vision was blurred. When I had hit the wall, I had hit my spine, and it was only now that I felt the throbbing pain in my back. I bent over, writhing in pain, as spasms shot through my body.

I felt the reassuring hands of someone on my back, and all of a sudden, I was lifted into the air, and placed on a softer ground, stomach down. I felt odd things happening to my back…odd thing…back…nothing…

* * *​

I woke up, staring at a dark and festered sky, clouds moving about restlessly, as if they were restrained from raining by some invisible force. Slowly, things began to return to me. I had been on the pier where ships were moored in Vermillion. The green twin had hit Pikachu, who in turn hit me, causing me to fly backwards. The green twin!

I jerked up, only to be pushed by down by a firm and gentle hand. I looked up at the face, and recognised it from my days as a happy youth. Those caring blue eyes, full of love and happiness. That soft gentle skin that would heal my Pikachu. Those pink pigtails on either side of her head. It was Nurse Joy, no doubt. I recognised her, but did she recognise me?

"Come on sir, that was no place for you to be. Maybe I should call professor Oak, he would certainly be interested in happenings like there, but it's unlikely that he will come. He's become stuck to that wheelchair recently. Sir, what is your name?" she asked.

Apparently not.

"Samuel Redwood, ma'am. Do you know where my Pikachu is?" I asked, putting on my fake accent that Master Apocalypse had insisted that I did.

"Over here, sir. You should not have attacked that Pokémon with your Pikachu. It's obvious that it is a legendary," she explained, as she helped me get up, and took my to another spot on the pier where Pikachu was resting, unconscious. I immediately broke out of Nurse Joy's grip, and dropped to the floor, placing my head against his heart. I heard a pulses, and the steady up and don rhythm of his chest was indicating that he was breathing. I sighed.

"Thank you for taking care of my Pikachu. That hit form the beats was really…" I broke off, remembering the beast. Instantly I was on my feet, and looking at the sea.

And there they were, still locked in close combat, firing bolts of energy from their mouths, and lashing out with claws, talons, tails, wings, mouth and beak. It was a magnificent show of power, strategy and grace combined. But I wasn't interested in things like that. I was interested in where the sword was. I felt for it at my waist, but it was not there. I then scanned the ground, and there it was. It was near the feet of several sailors, who had come to see the fight between Aforan and his twin. I dived for the sword, and grabbed it, yelling:

"Aforan, to me! To your sword! To me!"

The black bird turned its beak towards me, and squawked loudly, before dodging one of the green bolts from his twin, and heading towards me and my sword. Only to be knocked aside by his twin, a hurtling green blur. Swearing, I tried to slash the green twin with my sword, but he dodged it, and hit me with his clawed paw, sending my skidding across the floor of the pier, to the feet of the very same guard who had stopped me the previous night.

"That's one hell of a Krabby, aye?" he muttered to me, his eyes still fixed on the battle royal above our heads.
 
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