Let's Play Pokemon Snakewood! Chapter 29

Let's get to the point.



Oh, what the hell. Robin Hood references when they're supposed to be cowboys? Come on, man, you had one job.

Also, Steven, Meteor and Izumii were useless. Sad but true.



After Louis, pitting Bellamine against more Shinigami wasn't even intentional. But since I'm here, I may as well say this: They're all totally checking her out.



* poses dramatically *



Didn't get you far, did it?



This guy who thinks he can handle the Bellamine killdozer tour is called Headslinger Bandito, by the way. He might as well be wearing a poncho and a mustache just to complete the experience.

God knows Cutlerine isn't above putting Mexican stereotypes into the game.



Ahem, good sir. Your delivery needs to be more over the top so you can be [strike]properly laughed at[/strike] be more memorable.

A "Ride 'em cowboy" or "Get along, doggie" would be more sufficient.



Well, we can't have that, now can we?



"The Battle Zombie choked on a laser and burnt off her spinal cord, paralyzing herself!"

God, this game just gets better and better, doesn't it.



A good comedian never runs out of material.



Oh look, it's how I feel about the game.



"Oh yeah, and you won."

We must have a comedy stand off before this game ends.



"It's not very effective" is also relevant - it's me being unaffected by what this game is throwing at me.

Also - hot damn, Bellamine is strong now.



An ounce of prevention keeps the bullshit away.



"If you do, I'll just read your thoughts."

You're no Gleis, buddy. You can't scare me.



Oh hey, the game is actually throwing us a "boss" right before the end.



Too bad Bellamine dominated like most of it by herself.



Surprisingly, Valor got to help.

[Valor used Brick Break!]

This might just be Valor's final moment of glory before we get to Senex.


I'm just going to drop the jokes for a bit and say that this guy is completely serious. The next battle is by far the hardest in the game and the most punishing. There's no way a person with my team should be able to do this, but I'm going to keep going and break the system.

Wish me luck.



This is it. We're at the pinnacle.



[Replay Stealthy Shadow]

: "Senex! Your time has come!"

: "Has it? Look around."

[Jack turns left and then right]



: "Your friends have been made conspicuous by their absence, my child."

: "Wh-where are they?!"

: "I shall let Gleis and Temulence answer that. You two! Fetch them!"

: "Yes, my lord."



They've been turned into a Star Wars reference. Calm down, Jack.

Although why Senex and pals didn't kill them is beyond me.

: "Muahahahahaha! Now, prepare to be crushed!"

[Senex charges at Jack]



[Theme for the final Senex fight: Megalovania]

Fun fact: The actual game just has the regular trainer theme playing for the fight against the main villain of the entire game.
The person who caused Snakewood to happen and the most unbelievably goddamn powerful opponents in the entire game... just has the regular trainer theme.

Yeah no, that's boring. Seriously though, Senex is not holding back and will probably annihilate your team off of the face of the planet even if your guys are the same level or higher than his.



His first Pokemon is a Faceleech that thinks it's threatening. How adorable.



HOLY HELL THAT WAS CLOSE!

Turmur has a base attack stat of 185! Even with halved attack, it nearly killed Jeanne with one Earthquake (the above is after two Full Restores). To top it off, it's level 80! It's like... "if you're doing this, we're going to make sure you don't win."

Well, I didn't go this far into the game to quit now. Let me take those monstrously high stats of yours and make them completely worthless.

[Bellamine used Calm Mind!]









Overkill is the best kind of kill.



Senex's next Pokemon is Shaderu, who is finally at the level he should be. He'll still stand no chance.



Ambes tried to help and did. Cutting Shaderu's speed in half is a great asset for this part.

: ("He got me, sis.")

: ("It's fine, Ambes... At least Jack pulled you out before it could kill you.")



: ("Bellamine! Are you alright?!")

: ("Y-yes... I can't fail now! Too many lives are at stake!")



: ("I'll destroy you once and for all, demon!")

[Bellamine used Psychic!]





Yeah, she did more than destroy it. She wiped it from the face of the universe.



: ("If you think this can stop me, think again.")







: ("Well then. I believe we've made our point.")

: ("Amazing!")



"Never subcontract the work out to legendaries, even if they're evil ones. This job calls for my... personal intervention."

: ("Bring it on, old man!")

: ("Get any closer and you'll regret it!")

: ("Touch one hair on Jack's head and just see what happens.")

: ("I won't even allow him to get that close.")



"You will never even have been born."

[The Crew are shielding Jack from the attack - a bright flash of light covers the screen]



"Ah-aaagh! This is what Marty felt like at the Under The Sea Ball!"

: ("What.")

: "AAA- huh? I-it stopped..."

Oh no, here comes the "ending."



"Who dares to interfere with my power?"

[All of the Crew stare at Senex with a confused glance as they were just tanking the attack a second ago]

I know the Crew's not actually doing anything in the story itself, but it'd make a bitchin' picture.

[A Deadly Seven member pops in from the top right]


What, he's back?!

: "YOU!"

: "Him?"

: "Me!"

game pls



Wow, are we really being saved by Asimov of all people? Oh, but it gets better from here folks.

: "Confound you Afromasters and your insanity! I do not wish to hear your haiku!"

: "My haiku goes like this: 'My fist of justice, DIGERIDOO PUMPKIN BLAST!'"

: ("NOT THIS AGAIN!?")

[Senex gets blasted off of the mountain]


"It deflects all my dark spells..."

: "Well? Would you like to hear another haiku, friends?"

[Gleis and Temulence jump off of the mountain, which is actually a puddle effect]

... Oh right, I have to say something. Uh... Wow, I can't believe I actually made it this far into the game and powered through the final boss like that. Most people would have given up by now. I guess I'm just insane like that.



Since this isn't the real end of the game, I can't go all out yet.

: "I cannot die, for I am... unutterably moxious Accordion Thief!"

: "... Yep, you're entirely back to normal."

I don't like the "normal" Deadly Seven.

[Senex yells out wait and walks up to Jack]


Wow, did Senex really just walk back up here after he fell down the mountain? I know he can fly, but him using the stairs like a normal person is more funny.

: "There's still one more thing I can do."

: "No, not that!"

: "Yes, that!"


: "What?"

: "He's going to bake a cake!"

: ("You're serious.")

: "What?! What are you really up to, Senex?"

: "Baking a cake. Let me see... flour..."

: "Jack! Only you can stop him now! I've done as much as I can, but now it's up to you to do the rest!"



I don't know. I honestly don't know.

: "Two large eggs..."

: "Don't let him get to the water!"

: "Doesn't that go in first?!"

: "And the water..."



I swear I'm at the threshold of repeating "WHAT?!?!" over and over.

: "Demerara sugar..."

: "Oh my sainted aunt! Jack, stop him!"

: "What do you expect me to do, man?! I can't move for some reason!"



"The elevator has arrived."

: "What elevator? Where?"

: "Don't let him get in!"

???: "Lift going down."

: "NOOOO!"

[Warping SFX followed by fade to black transition]



... Uh. Serious question: what in the name of everything decent just happened? Why are we in an endless void of puddle water?



: "Yo."

: "Asimov, what's going on? What the hell happened?"

: "Listen."

[There's no music or sound effects in this scene]

: "I don't hear anything."

: "Exactly. Even the background music has stopped. It's over, Jack. By baking the cake, Senex... has destroyed Hoenn."



... WHAT!?

You mean we did the entire game for nothing?!

: "HOW CAN WE HAVE FAILED?!"

[Theme I would use for this scene: Sad Story]

: "... I understand how you must feel. But it's over, Jack. Hoenn is gone. Only the people who caught Senex's elevator survived. You, your Pokemon, me and --"

: "And Senex."

[Ambes starts crying over the others while Ivory consoles him]

: ("GOD DAMN IT!")

: ("Is this really how it all ends...?")

: "Yes, and him... Are you alright, Jack?"

: "Just peachy, Kate. The world is my oyster."

: "Jack? That's a quotatio--"



It's official. Jack has snapped.

: "It - it can't be..."

: "How weary, stale and unprofitable --"

: "It is! It is!"

: "-- Seem to me all of the uses of this world."
: "Jack... This is it. This is what the prophecy was talking about..."

: "Even doctor Feelgood couldn't help me now!"

Okay, okay, cut the music. Sad Story clearly isn't going to be working given where this conversation is going. So instead have Jolly Ol' Spekkio playing throughout this entire travesty.

If the game isn't going to take itself seriously, then I shouldn't either.



: "You've gained access to the Cutlerine's knowledge of references! The Pop Culture Nexus itself!"

: ("You cannot be serious.")

: [Shrill incoherent screaming]

: "Huh? No way! I can't - can't have that sort of power!"

: "It's true. Think back to the last few things you said. They've all been references!"

: "Oh... And when I killed Esau, I did it by exposing what he was a reference to..."



^ my face right now

: "Exactly!"

: "But this changes nothing... It's still hopeless..."



: "Why are you giving me this? Do I stutter?"

: "Another perfect cryptic reference... Come on! With this sort of power, we can actually defeat Senex!"

: "What about fixing Hoenn?!"

YES PLEASE TELL US HOW

: "The power of the reference is limited only by the number of ideas already used. As long as there is some way that this sort of situation has been resolved before in another story, we can do it again here by using references."

This is complete and utter lazy bullshit writing of the highest caliber. By the way guys, this game was nominated in several spots for Hack of the Year 2011 over at Pokecommunity here? Should probably bring that up now before I forget.

: "Alright! Let's do this and kill that nasty old guy!"

: ("Bellamine... do something! Please, god!")

: ("There's something stopping me from doing anything! It's completely possessed Jack!")



"Well, well, well. Look who survived. Please, feel free to mourn the ruins of your native land while I destroy Asimov again."

: "Grr!"

Now, this next part, I'm not even joking around. This is really how the text reads in the game:

"JackHOW DARE YOU DO THAT TO MY PRECIOUS UNDERLING' PUNCH!"

Cutlerine just did not give a fuck by the end.

[Flash of light]


"What the hell...? Was that... a referential attack? But how...?"

: "'WHO DO YOU THINK I AM' KICK!"

: "AGH! T-the prophecy... Damn that blasted oracle! These attacks are powerful beyond reason..."

: "Kick reason to the curb and do the impossible!"

I refuse.



: "Jack! Be careful - you can't reference the same thing too many times or it will cease to have effect!"

These powers make no sense.

: "And that is the very reason you cannot defeat me. You may be stronger and have access to ALL the references the Cutlerine does - but I am infinitely more experienced! I do not have many references to use, but I know how to use them! Now: 'Twas brillig, and the slithy--"

You're no Lewis Carroll, Cutlerine. Don't even try it.



: "Oh no! It's a strong one! Watch out, Jack! It's whiffling here right now!"

: "What's the problem? Just throw one of the Crew at it. The reference thing is stupid."

: ("Huh? Jack somehow broke through the possession?")

: "--did gyre and gimble in the wabe--"

: "What is it? What's coming?"

: "HE is! The Jabberwock!"

We just beat Senex and all of his Pokemon, all of which were at least ten or so levels above us. There's no way the Jabberwock would even stand a chance.



"I need a good reference to combat it."

Or you could... I don't know, have Valor make Senex's face concave. Because he's a Dark type and therefore weak to being punched.

: "Got it!"

[Venusaur cry]

: "Hurry, Jack!"

: "Come on, Asimov! I'll land you with care!"

: "What?! No, surely your power isn't so great--"

: "This is just the place for a Snark!"

: "No, you fool!"

: "Jack, close your eyes!"

: "What?"



"Don't ever look at it!"

: "You can't force me to look at it either, Asimov! This is a stalemate!"

[Asimov peels Senex's eyes wide open]

: "No! Unhand me! Let go of my eyes!"

: "Never! Jack! Keep going!"

[Flash of light]

: "It's almost here!"

Guys, how did this go from fighting a zombie apocalypse and the dark lord that created it to a 6 year old level reference battle?

[Jack shut their eyes tightly]



"In the midst of the word he was trying to say, in the midst of his laughter and glee, he had softly and suddenly vanished away, for the Snark was a Boojum, you see."

: ("I literally have nothing to say. This is by far the most idiotic thing I've ever seen, living or not. And to think I was worried this would have made sense! Can't have that, now can we?!")

: ("Agreed. This is indefensible.")



"What do I do now? Put Hoenn back? I'd better bring back Asimov, too. Let's see... Oh! That's it! All I need is to use the Atlas! Damn, Gina, this reference is so handy! Here comes a massively improbable plot device! Compleat Atlas, activate!"

[Fade to black transition]



: ".... What the absolute fuck just happened?!"

: ("You were completely possessed by him again. Apparently, it helped bring everything back together... but...")

: ("It was all a load of crap!")

: ("Yeah, what she said.")

: ("At least everything is... fixed? At least our efforts weren't in vain.")

: "Okay, good. I don't know how I would have taken it if everything we loved was destroyed forever."

Can I just be real for one second? That actually happened, right? The act of citing a reference was used to save Hoenn from being destroyed.

Like I said before, referencing something is not some magic plot solver. It's just a sign of you being a horrendous writer, because you couldn't even be bothered to come up with something original. I think the dumbest part about this is that Cutlerine tries to pepper the story with clues of "oh references are going to be important later on" when it all builds up to mediocrity.

I should also take this time to mention (If I hadn't already) that Cutlerine thought the plot of Snakewood was better than the canon plot of the actual Pokemon games. Yes, everything we've seen he thought was better than the actual games.

I really hope the man changed his mindset as the years passed, because that's not a flattering first impression of someone.



A horribly pretentious ending. Oh wait, that's in the Art Museum next chapter.

: "... It's over, everybody! It's over, it's over, it's over! I beat Senex with the help of Asimov, Gleis and Temulence are gone for good, and - and everything's fine!"

All: "Hooray!"

Grendel: "Wait!"

: "What is it?"

Grendel: "I've still got reports of zombies..."

: "Uh... (Damn it, that's my fault. I restored Hoenn to its state before Senex destroyed it. That nasty old necromancer's gone, but those zombies would still be there...)"

Oops. That's our Jack. *Laugh track plays*

Honestly, though. The one thing we were trying to fix and you did half of the job. Way to go, hero.

: "Uh... that's bad. Can't imagine why that should be."

Grendel: "Well, we'll soon mop them up without Senex to stop us."

: "That's true."

: "I've got a message!"

: "Let's hear it."


"We're all invited to... a celebratory party! On Gym Island! Oh, and Jack, there's going to be a reward for you there. Come on, let's go!"


"Damn! I'd better figure out how to get to Gym Island!"

Wow, the guest of honor doesn't even get to go with them. That's sad.

I don't understand why you couldn't have just teleported Jack to Gym Island instead of making us do this. By the way, you are supposed to take a wild guess to know where to go from here. But first, a bonus area.



Remember how in Chapter 3.5 (ah, the memories) we went in here but didn't really explore it? Well, now we can.



Choc... Orange. This is related to Radiorange, by the way. Just... it becomes important at the end of the unfinished Trick House.



It's literally an unfinished Trick House. The Abandoned Ship theme playing here, after all of the stupidity we've seen throughout this game, makes me yearn for the actual Ruby/Sapphire/Emerald games due to them being infinitely better. That, and I like getting sappy to certain songs.



"MECHADOLL 32 AM I! I ASK ONLY QUESTIONS ON CHEESE!"

: "Dear god!"

[Jack punches the robot on the head]

Yeah, I'd be terrified if a life-sized robot shaped like a man came up to me and started asking cheese questions too.



"I'm not done building my new Trick House. Oho! You have a Chocolate Orange! That's all well and good, but I could make it trickier!"

You need an empty slot in your party to even activate this event, by the way.



"Aha! Here we are. Take this."


Yes, we get a reference to Clockwork Orange of all things. At this point, it feels less like Cutlerine wanted to show people things he liked and more like he's shoving it in your face "LOOK AT ALL OF THESE THINGS I KNOW ABOUT. AREN'T I COOL."

Find your chill, dude.



It's literally Radiorange but in different colors and with a mechanical eye. I guess you could say it's worthwhile? I'm not the person who made Snakewood. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯



Anyway, here's what we have to do next. You have to catch Roclobster at Dewford and take the Hard Disk Solo that comes with them.



Then you have to go all the way to Slateport and bring the Hard Disk Solo to this rock.

"Music began to play! Sounds familiar... What's this?"


I think I had to title the saves for this part "how the hell do you figure this out theatre" because of how needlessly cryptic/complicated it was.



Oh boo hoo. Go cry me a river, whoever you are.



I just had to go item scrounging one last time before I proceed with the plot.



Anyway, remember this lady? Gabriella? Turns out she's how you get to Gym Island. This was another thing Cutlerine had to tell everybody about because nobody could (rightfully) figure it out by themselves.



"Why do you have two? Anyway, those tickets mean I can take you to Gym Island! Hop on and let's go!"

Cool. Let's blow this taco stand.



"Damn it, a rock! Well, we'll see who's tougher in the end!"

Is that really a smart ide--

[Gabriella revs back and smashes into the rock, which actually removes it from the overworld]



I... I didn't know it was possible to alter the overworld like that.
Gabriella is too badass for me.

Anyway, that's the end of chapter 29. See you guys next time for the finale of Snakewood, where I can finally clean my hands of this game for good.

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Sidequest List:

• Collect all fifty Broken Hearts (9 out of 50)
• Get Strength to move the boulders

Team setup:

(Bellamine, , Level 72, ) - "We're finally free of that nightmare! No more madness!"
(Ambes, , Level 62, ) - "Thank goodness, too. I don't know how much longer I could have endured that."
(Jeanne, , Level 61, ) - "I wouldn't get your hopes up if I were you... It still seems like there's more to come."
(Gauss, , Level 67, /) - "You just gotta chill, babe. It's time to kick back, relax and enjoy a walk down the beach or something."
(Valor, , Level 63, has Plus Band, /) - "Man, I am so glad that stuff is all over. I agree with Ambes. My head was just spinning that entire time."
(Ballin, , level 62, /) - "That lady sure showed that rock, damn!"
(Ivory, , Level ??, /) - "Thank goodness! It's all over! And I didn't have to pop a blood vessel again!"

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Back-up Team:

(Reggie, , Level 61, has Leftovers, /) - "Guys... I don't care how we did it. As long as we won, that's fine by me."
(Zagon, , Level 63, /) - "Of course, Reggie. Did you ever have any doubt?"
(Alice, , level 62, ) - "Bellamine was so powerful in those last few parts. Given how she never leaves Jack's side, I can see why... I'm sorta jealous, nya. She gets to be so close to him and all."
(Ace, , Level 58, has Anadrin Talon, /) - "Ha! I know the feeling, Alice. But well, I guess that's just how much she loves him. She's sort of like his mother in some ways."

(Juno, , Level 60, /) - "That sort of explains a lot, now that you bring it up. But hey, who are we to complain?"

(Umbra, , Level 62, ) - "... Hot damn, they actually did it."
(Tohru, , Level 60, /) - "Of course, my boy! There's no way even Senex could have stood up to their power!"
(Pumbloom, , level 56, ) - "WOW... NO MORE SENEX... DOES THAT MEAN WE'RE DONE?"
(Wagner, , Level 57, /) - "They did it. They managed to bring down this entire invasion... I can't be any prouder of Jack and the others."
(Chloris, , level 61, /) - "Although the method they did it with is... very questionable..."
(Beatrice, , Level 50, /) - * does an emotional fainting motion * "Oooh, miss Bellamine looked radiant as she was eliminating those evildoers."
(Shine, , level 33, ) - "Spark. I don't even care what happened. I'm just glad they're still alive."
(Spark, , level 32, ) - "Of course, sis. I love them too much to let anything happen to them either, you know."
(Alpha, level 55, /) - "... TRUCE?"
(Letro, level 50, /) - "APPARENTLY BEING SENT TO THE VOID HAS CHANGED YOUR OUTLOOK ON LIFE A BIT. VERY WELL THEN. BZZT!"
(Menti, , level 57, /) - "I... I'm still here? Jack... saved the world? Wow..."
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