Kirozane
Frolic and fun~
- 961
- Posts
- 14
- Years
- Age 31
- Seen Sep 12, 2023
"Why one exists? That's a tough question. I'd like to think it's for the people I care about, for everyone, but my existence doesn't necessarily mean people will be happy."
"Yes. Sometimes just existing can hurt others."
"You could hide who you are and continue to live, but that's not the answer you seek, is it? "
"Correct. I cannot deny myself."
A conversation between chaos and Canaan - Xenosaga Episode III: Also Sprach Zarathustra
"Yes. Sometimes just existing can hurt others."
"You could hide who you are and continue to live, but that's not the answer you seek, is it? "
"Correct. I cannot deny myself."
A conversation between chaos and Canaan - Xenosaga Episode III: Also Sprach Zarathustra
That conversation encompasses a couple things that I would really like to make instinct. Because, honestly, Those are lessons I REALLY need to learn fully. And because I haven't learned these things, I kind of believe I am worse off. That I am not all that I could be because some CLEARLY dominant part of my mind adamantly refuses to take it to heart and the rest of my brain is too pansy to do anything about it.
Until kind of recently, I had a hard time grasping a few things. Things that I myself laugh at when I feel overly cynical. Even now I struggle, but at least the denial is gone.
- Other people's happiness does not come over my own - I am not even kidding... some part of me was convinced that my aim in life was to please other, regardless of what happens to me. I have started to get over it, but the effects still linger. If I have plans with friends that have been in the open for weeks, and the day before the fact my sister asks me if I can babysit her kids, my first instinct is to dump my prior engagements. even if she says she has alternatives. And then I think on the other end, how disappointed my friends would be, and I get thrown into a guilt spiral that in the end just makes me hate my existence.
- I am important - Kinda goes hand in hand with the one above it. Somewhere along the line of being convinced of that, I was convinced of this as well. When I get thrown into a depressive slump I am ridiculously terrible about keeping this in mind.
- Doing things for me won't always chronically backfire - The opposite of this was actually a more recent conviction that was hammered in disturbingly quickly, considering I can't get the listed thing hammered in so well. Over the past couple years, specifically since my mom's hysterectomy, she and I have suddenly begun butting heads. Whenever I do something for me, she proceeds to guilt trip me on it. (And with my guilty conscience that's not saying much.) She has brought me to tears because I wanted to take a day off my feet after four days of non-stop waking walking. My feet hurt so bad I had to repress tears when I walked or stood or had my feet on the ground wrong.
- My own happiness is not something to be wary of - Again, goes hand in hand with the one above it. I was generally content or happy when I did something for me, and my parents/family would then proceed to point out what I left undone (That I didn't even know I was supposed to do, mind you) and tear at me for not doing it. It's not like I didn't ask. It's like I'm supposed to magically know that I need to do something somewhere that I currently am not "stationed" right at that instant.
- Not Everything is my fault - If there was ever a lesson I need to learn it's this. As I said before I have a chronically guilty conscience. I will say what I feel, then instantly take it back among a few miles of apologies. If something bad happens at a friends house while I'm around, I instantly blame my presence, even if I had absolutely nothing to do with it. It's a terrible terrible problem really.... Not sure if I'll get that lesson through on my own.
Honestly. I feel really pathetic/weak. Knowing my problems and the solution yet still being unable to do anything major. But I guess it's just who I am. And maybe I should start living up to those quotes by trying not to deny who I am as much... no matter how bad I convinced myself of it being.
...If you read all of that you are quite the trooper.
