Barrels

Your pictures brought much joy to my heart! I loved the one that was us :P

I know I promised a full run-down of the mother fight and it's been an unforgivably long time since my last message, but I just sat down with her this morning to try and sort it all out (hint: nothing got sorted out but we're moving forward) and I am so completely drained by it at the moment that I couldn't possibly think of going into the long spiel.

I will, though. I promise you this. I will.

Distract me with Tales of the Life and Times of Barrels the Magnificent!

I am very much looking forward to seeing your Scooby Doo Lego! It will be the highlight of my year thus far!

I love your thought process. "Wow, MURICA! That's there they make the films!"

Speaking of your film, is that somewhere available for viewing or purchasing yet? If so, I will gladly view or purchase it :P

I do have a little bit of bad news, though. Well. "Bad news" sounds far more ominous than this is. It's more annoying news. News probably isn't even it, it's just an annoying update about my life haha.

So essentially what happened was this: I posted a status on Facebook (you know, that thing I'm always telling you you need to get :P). It was my usual snarky stuff, nothing unusual. A friend's mother, an alcoholic, posted a couple of comments, the gist of which were "Love you Andrew, but I'd love it if you could be a bit more positive". I can cop that on the chin, it doesn't mean that much to me. If I'd wanted to, I could have destroyed her (which is a hobby of mine on Facebook) but I didn't because it was mild-mannered, it was a Saturday night so 99% chance she was drunk, and I didn't want to cause any issues between me and my friend.

Nek minnit, my mother swoops in and starts attacking this woman, on my behalf, without my consent. It started out as a valiant defense of me but quickly degenerated into a horrifyingly immature shit-slinging match between the two of them, and then finally three hours later it was over.

Then I get a message from my mother. "Thanks for the back up. If you don't block her I'm blocking you."

I could go into the entire saga (and if you want, I will, but not right now as it would take an incredibly long time to type out) but long story short my mother hasn't spoken to me in what is closing in on four days now and I'm getting attacks from my sister telling my mother is 'devastated' and "close to a break down" over this petty, stupid, nothing Facebook drama.

So I'm not caving in this time.

Essentially the update is that my family hates me and I don't get to go to Dawn French next Wednesday because the tickets that Mum gave me for Christmas are up at her place for safekeeping :(

Oh my God, what have I done. I got your message on the 5th. It's now the 20th. What have I done I am so horribly sorry. I have no excuse. Grey's Anatomy has chewed up my entire life and now I am emerging from it, having lost all my friends except for Meredith Grey herself. What year is it? Is it still 2014?

The vague, distant memory of my laryngitis had me use my withering stare on Esmerelda, unable to ask her stupid mother why she named her Esmerelda. My stare works wonders on kids; it makes them immediately behave. I'd be a great father for that reason alone.

Why are you raising $9000 to go to America so urgently? What's in America? Other than everything. I mean what's there specifically for Barrels? Some kind of filmmaking opportunity?! Or a really expensive booty call?

SCOOBY DOO LEGO THAT IS SO COOL! Though be honest, have you played with it more than once since Christmas Day? :P

Oh my god it's been nearly 3 weeks, what the **** happened? Where am I? What year is it?

WHAT HAPPENED?

And where did I say I was sick? Yes, I was, very very very sick from the 10th til like the 22nd. I had two days off work and I NEVER take time off work for anything because I have this fear that the shop will fall apart without me.

I had laryngitis, which I have no idea how I got but left me speechless for an entire week. I went back to work the Thursday before Christmas Eve and spent four days working with a whiteboard and "I CAN'T TALK" written across my hand for customers who tried to approach me haha. It was hilarious for a while, then it just got frustrating. But this close to Christmas it's impossible for people to not be working :(

ANYWAY I'm all better now and even though the sickness robbed me of my Christmas season that I LOOK FORWARD TO ALL ****ING YEAR, I'm chill.

I don't know why I'm writing every sentence in its own paragraph, but I guess that's just how I roll today. I'm also touched by your offer to biff the bacteria, but alas a combination of lemon and honey and sheer force of will biffed them for me :P

But anyway how have you been? How was your Christmas? How is M Night Shyamalamalaman?

You were very perceptive to consider that I might think 90 hours was a lot, because before I even read the VM I was thinking to myself "Jesus Christ, 90 hours to put into 30 minutes! How wasteful!"

But alas I still cannot wait. It better go up on YouTube or something like that!

A high school acquaintance of mine was really really into film. Like REALLY into it. It was all he wanted to do with his life - even got to meet Hugh Jackman a few times! He finally released his very first feature film on March 1st, 2012. It was a comedy called "Sick" that pretty much starred his friends from high school and was shot on a budget of $10,000. The premiere was at one cinema only, one of our local ones. Still, it was actually really good and really funny. It won a couple of awards in LA and even has its own IMDb page, so that was cool! (Note, if you click on the link, pay no attention to the plot synopsis at the top, it's a complete lie lol. The one down the bottom is the real one)

What was less cool was that he died three months later of leukaemia that he'd had on and off throughout his life. But his little brother makes films now, it's really sweet.

So don't die in three months is essentially what I'm saying :P

Also, I hadn't noticed the new style until you said something because my only function on this website now is to come here and talk to you haha. But yeah it is cool, kudos to those guys!

Do you ever get that feeling of real satisfaction when a pillow cover slips over your pillow just perfectly? That's the feeling I get when I get a message from you :D

Even if your spelling is pretty damn bologna.

I'm seeing Mockingjay Part 2 at a midnight session tomorrow night! That's all that's going on with me though. Have you finished your film, and when will it be available for my viewing?

Oh dear sweet Barrels get some sleep! They say dying is easy and comedy is hard, and now I know why, it's turned you into a snerkling fool! A fool I say! You don't even know how to spell bologna, it's like you're remedial or challenged!

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because i have been searching for ALMOST A WHOLE HALF HOUR for that one bit in Stitch: The Movie! where experiment 625 says, 'WE'RE ALL OUTTA BALONEY,' and i don't even know why i wanted to find it in the first place except that i wanted to make you laugh but WHY, i mean why would it even make you laugh, it's utterly niche and the only reason it's making me snerkle is that it's been stuck in my head all day and ALSO I'VE ONLY HAD AN HOUR'S SLEEP IN THE LAST TWO DAYS, IT'S NOT MY FAULT STOP IT OH MY GOD THE BELLS

I'm sorry my silence is not retaliatory, I got super busy myself haha. Also iz my birthday :D

But no I haven't gotten to The Office yet, I'm actually partway through Parks & Recreation so I've gotta finish what I start :P

My life has been good I had a surprise party and I"ll tell you all about it but right now I have to go to sleep for it is back to the grind tomorrow ;;

eleven days

Never apologise for being young and busy and important, I am more than happy to slot in wherever you can fit me! I know all too well the feeling of coming home and sleeping then waking up and getting straight back to it, a feeling which I will become all too familiar with once again when I go back to work on Wednesday after two blissful weeks away :(

That said, it's been a long week without you my friend, but there's really nothing worth repeating when I see you again :P

Though if you do find a spare evening to go to the cinema, I recommend that you see The Visit. It's a horror movie that is equal parts creepy/horrifying and hilarious. It's a delightful concoction of old people doing ****ed up things. I loved it so much.

And Gareth was hilarious, not awful (though again things may work differently in the straight world, this is pretty par for the course where I come from) though I did for the first time see the incredibly odd shape of his nose. I've never seen anything quite like it in all my days.

Awwww I'm sorry it flew into my head, an errant thought, I just didn't kick it out quickly enough to stop it from spilling out onto the screen. I could never get another Barrels; you are my one and only forever. I swear it!

In my memory, Gareth was the one BEING tormented. How is he then the tormenter?!

I sent you the blog via PM... well at least I think I did. I remember writing the post and c/ping the blog in there, but I don't actually remember hitting send. So if you didn't get it, let me know lol

And what's wrong with Gareth? I mean, I did know he wasn't conventionally attractive as I said, but the sheer might of your reaction makes me feel like you're bullying my Gareth! My Barrels should have better behaviour than this! Shall I find a new Barrels?

For all you know, my name is actually Garry, not Andrew. That'd be one hell of a catfish, right? Telling you the wrong name, making you think I was Andy this entire time? No, no, in all seriousness I am Andy and anyone with the nerve to call their child Garry should be shot on sight.

Now, is it just me, or is Gareth strangely adorable? I would not kick him out of bed... but I mean objectively I can see what he looks like and that he's not exactly the most conventionally attractive guy, but there's something about him that makes him the cutest British thing I've ever seen in my life. Or maybe I'm just thirsty.

Also realising that wasn't the point of the videos but I did also lol heartily. Yes, heartily.

Jesus it's so late I don't know why I didn't leave this til morning, I'm making no sense whatsoever and any rapier quality to my wit has just fallen by the wayside.

As for my blog, the next episode has been written for two weeks but I can't use it because I spent the first half of it dragging an ex-PC member and I didn't realise until I was about to post it that that might not be OK and would result in a heap of infractions, thereby negating my ability to do an Episode 3. It's quite a pickle, so I have to go back to the drawing board. But there's no feeling worse than writing something the world can never see :(

*sees four messages*
I bet they're all from Barrels
*sees they're all from Barrels*
Called it.

What was the purpose of having a scientist read our conversation? What information were you hoping to extract from his now-addled mind? Were you hoping to define our conversation? Or was it deeper, did you want to define our friendship? Did you want to know if I was catfishing you?

I've never seen either version of The Office, except if you count Tumblr gifs of Steve Carell and John Krasinski making stupid faces while looking directly into the camera. And I think you do, if you know what's good for you. Ricky Gervais is a funny man and Kathy Griffin approved so I shall definitely check it out. I'll put it on my list following Parks & Recreation, in which Amy Poehler and Chris Pratt make stupid faces while looking directly into the camera :P.

And I can cook a little bit. I am a pro at cooking sausages and steaks in the oven, but I'm sorry I don't think you'd like them by the time they reached England, these things have a habit of going bad over long international flights. Also you're north of the Equator so the sausages and steaks from here are designed to digest counter-clockwise while your digestive system goes clockwise. :(

But if I ever come over there I'll cook you something truly mediocre. And I mean that! Until then, it's just microwave baked beans, ramen noodles and your own semen for you, my friend.

(I also posted a blog last week for the first time in two years if you're into that sort of thing)

What. The. Fuck.

I don't think I ever got this.

I was just thinking to myself "Wow, it's been ages now, I wonder what's become of Barrels my Barrels?" and so I came to our conversation and you said something four days ago that I have not yet read despite coming on here pretty much every day looking.

Why would a catch like you not have any lady suitors? Oh that's right, because you always seem to make friends with girls and then they friendzone you. Are you positive you're not actually gay? I wouldn't mind if you were, I'm a very open-minded person and only like 12% homophobic.

It's videos like this that made my friend Adriana (user God on these forums) to say, "Eurovision makes me want to release the neurotoxin." But as you know, (or you may not, I don't remember that far back in our conversation - May... at the rate we talk, that must be on page 2 by now!) this year's Eurovision was my first, and definitely not my last. I have never regretted a use of eight hours less than the time I spent watching Eurovision. So glad Sweden won, but I would have liked to see Belgium get higher than they did. Italy deserved NOTHING! NOTHING!

Oh dear, the Hulk is coming out again.

But on the phone front, if you have an iPhone with data, every text is free through the virtue of iMessage! And if you don't have an iPhone (what the fuck is wrong with you?) you can download this great app called Kik messenger and we can be in a constant state of conversation! You'd never be rid of me, ever! Doesn't that sound exciting?

Kik messenger also has the dual benefit of you being able to talk to me AND being able to send dick pics to your many lady suitors - and well, if you should happen to accidentally get your wires crossed one day, well that wouldn't be the worst thing in the world, would it? :P

Yeah, you go crush those people! Crush them by reminding them of their devastating youth - because it is a lie and it will be taken from them before they rightly know it! You sure know how to bring a man down, I've taught you well padawan.

Did you know there's a country in the world called Azerbaijan? Would it be a big deal to be elected president there? Would you consider that the best day of your life, being elected president of Azerbaijan? Does every successive president think, "yeah, I'm the guy that's gonna put Azerbaijan on the map!"? That's sad, that president is sad and he should feel sad every day of his life that he doesn't just allow Azerbaijan (and what I'm sure is a rich, renowned Azerbaijanese legacy) to be consumed by a larger country and accept a position in their cabinet of ministers or however that country's system of government works. The things Eurovision teaches you, right?

And how dare you sir? If you're suggesting that I would suck a dick on top of a moving car, then you are absolutely correct. I would and I have. But if you're suggesting that I would be so bad at it that I would make a rookie mistake and throw my neck out, then I am shocked and offended and you should burn in the fires of Hades for your crimes.

And yes, you may see said folder, but not right now. If you'd give me your damn phone number it'd be as easy as texting it to you, but alas as our communication remains frustratingly linked to this Pokemon prison, and I can't be bothered making the necessary arrangements to get it to my computer. But it's one hell of a folder, it's a three-ring binder and it's BLUE. It cost $4.50, it's super impressive stuff.

Can't wait for you to see it! :P

You're not still a teenager, surely. You have to be 20 by now, at least. To be honest I forget most of the time that you're so much younger than I am, I talk to you like you're someone of my age while I should be speaking to you through a woman's stomach like the foetus you are.

Meanwhile I think the best twist for the little story you have going there is that Benito is the randy one of the mansion while Whoratio and Fellatio just sit quietly by the pool doing their homework and studying algebra just because they have the ability.

I have had a ghastly week! So not only was I in charge of the shop from Friday 14th to Sunday 23rd (you know how much I love that) I managed to somehow put my neck out which resulted in my having sore shoulders and neck accompanied by a pounding headache from Wednesday to Sunday when it somehow magically fixed itself :(

But I did get a new folder for my Pokemon cards! :P

I forgot about fellatio in the context of our conversation, but the concept in general is never too far from my mind, rest quite assured :P

As you do, I've spent the better part of my evening (post-polishing my bejewelled silverware, then playing Bejewelled on my phone as I was then in the mood) looking up footage and information on the assassination of John F Kennedy. It's so fascinating, in the new super remastered videos on YouTube you can actually see his brain spill out onto Jackie before she scrambles to evacuate the moving car (which, horrifyingly, later she had no recollection of doing). It's the most disturbing thing I've ever seen, and it wasn't until I read up on it that I realised he'd been shot before the fatal headshot. Fun Saturday night. Much better than some mere fellatio.

You've still yet to tell me what the meanies in your life are doing to you!