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Old August 8th, 2008 (8:55 AM).
Blue Angel's Avatar
Living for now
Join Date: Jun 2008
Nature: Calm
Posts: 298
The story seemed fast paced and slightly lazy. There were some presentation and grammar errors. I am glad to say you are not one of those "extremely short, need to make longer" people, but it was a short chapter.

Originally Posted by Ryan Cheong View Post
A new day arrived to Johto, National Park. It was Autumn and everyone was hanging around the National Park. Meanwhile, Shaymin was chased by a Ghost Dragon Pokémon, Giratina.
The first comma isn't needed if you are saying that it is the "Johto National Park."

You didn't explain why everyone was hanging around the National Park. Maybe a new Pokemon or event? You need some expanation and certainly more description because I have no idea what it looks like. Even the color of the tree leaves are decsription that would tell about Autumn, instead of saying it. Leave it to us to figure out.

The "Meanwhile" made it feel like there was actually something going on before - but all you said was a sentence. If you added a couple of sentences of description to the scene then added a new paragraph at "Meanwhile" it would make more sense.

You also didn't describe either Legendary. To me - it isn't necessary since most people know what they look like, but others may not.

[quote=Ryan Cheong;3839523]
Giratina sent Shaymin into the Torn World. Shaymin was getting frightnen. Giratina was looking at Shaymin and Shaymin is too weak. Shaymin couldn't face Giratina. Suddenly, another Time Pokémon appeared - Dialga.

It sounds bland all the way through. No real epic-ness to it. They just sound like the sentences you might see during a Pokemon Game Battle. Try making it more real:
"Giratina slashed its claw at the stale air, creating a Portal to the Torn World. With one fell swoop, he slammed the tiny Shaymin through the Portal and chased him inside, closing the Portal after him."

See, I turned one short sentence of yours into two longer ones. Try expanding on your bland battle sentences and make them a picture worth a thousand words (don't worry - you don't have to do that many :p)

You also had problems with tenses "was" and "is" in the same sentence. You want to make sure that your story, or at least each chapter - is in the same tense. "Was" is past, "is" is present.

Now, If you follow my advice and add more description, once you get to Dialga's entrance you make a new paragraph for the "Suddenly..."

Originally Posted by Ryan Cheong View Post
Giratina turned into Origin Forme and go to chase Dialga. Dialga flew into another Space... And the scene is getting end...
First off, you have a past verb then a present verb. If you want past you should change "go" to "went." Of course the sentence is still to bland. You didn't describe Giratina's transformation or what it looked like when it transformed. I can't blame you for not describing its new form, but I can blame you for not describing the transformation.

Dialga is a Master of TIME not SPACE. Space is Palkia. So maybe change it so Palkia is the one fighting or change it so Giratina sends Dialga off to another world.

"And the scene is getting end." A better way to say that is "And the scene is coming to an end." But that is still bland. Try something like "Everything ceased as it went black." I still don't like the sentence but it is better than the statement you gave.

Originally Posted by Ryan Cheong View Post

What's wrong??
I sense something...
What's that??
I sense something is going unwell...
Like what??
I sense somethings are battling... The Legendaries Pokémon...
You didn't show the fact that their were two different people talking or how they were talking either. You gave no explanation.

When you say "The Legendaries" it is in reference to the Legendary Pokemon, which is also plural in its on way. So you can say "The Legendaries" or "The Legendary Pokemon."

Originally Posted by Ryan Cheong View Post
And now, there's a teenager who often to go to the National Park near the Goldenrod City. He always go there with his little Azurill. "Hey Azurill... I can remember how do you born..." said Ryan.


Ryan was with an old lady, Granny. They were watching the female Azumarill holding a "Sea Incense" and the Azumarill is laying an egg. "Granny, what's up with this Azumarill?" Ryan asked. "Well it is laying an egg." Granny said. And the egg is finally layed out. "It must be Marill! Look! The egg is cracking!" Granny was getting excited and the egg was hugged by Granny. The egg hatched into Azurill! "This is weird... It looks like Marill but it is even more cuter than Marill..." Granny was surprised that the egg hatched into another Pokémon. "Let's check it." Granny open a Pokédex and there's a word on the Pokédex. The Pokédex is belong to Crystal's. "Hmm... Even Pokédex cannot read this Pokémon's data." Granny was getting weird. And Granny was calling Prof.Oak.

Prof.Oak: Hey Granny! Long time no see.
Granny: Yes but I have a question. A female Azumarill layed an egg and Azumarill was holding Sea Incense. When the egg hatched, it became another Pokémon!
Prof.Oak: Indeed. The Pokémon's name is Azurill. It is Marill's pre-evolution.
Granny: But how come it'll become Azurill?
Prof.Oak: Just because the Azumarill was holding an item called Sea Incense.
Granny: That solved the problem. Thanks anyway.
Prof.Oak: Take good care of the Pokémon!

"So what did he say?" Ryan asked. Granny was smilling "It is a new Pokémon and Azurill is a Hoenn Pokémon." Granny explained. "That's cool!" Ryan was surprised. "Ryan, can you take care of this Azurill?" Granny asked. "Yes, sure." Ryan keep the Azurill into a Pokéball and he was happy for his first Pokémon.

- End of the Flash Back.

"It was about month ago..." Ryan was thinking about the past of Azurill "Anyway, let's go back to see Granny!". Ryan brought Azurill to Granny. And two evil members from Team Rocket was whispering "That's new kind of Pokémon!". "Yeah~! Let's steal it!".

And a scene is about a girl. She has black hair and she's wearing uniform...
Again, bland and all over the place. No real description. All smushed together. You didn't describe the Azurill. Some of your dialog made no sense and the Prof.Oak to Granny was script form, which you aren't supposed to use. Just talk like normal dialog there, as long as you explain that it is a telephone conversation.

Your explanations are shaky too and the way you stated things. Plus when you do dialog, put a paragraph in between each person talking. Makes it easier to read. And the "~" you used at the end, in real life - you can't see it, and it doesn't really represent anything.

I don't think I left anything out. Phew that took a long time to critique. Well, Good Luck.

Triplets with IceDragon2439 and Buoysel

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