View Single Post
Old August 8th, 2008 (10:16 AM). Edited August 9th, 2008 by Blue Angel.
Blue Angel's Avatar
Blue Angel Blue Angel is offline
Living for now
    Join Date: Jun 2008
    Nature: Calm
    Posts: 298
    Some of your little grammar errors took away from the "magic" (=P) of the writing.

    They are tough to overcome, I know - but it makes is so much better for your readers.

    My first piece of advice would be to get rid of the parenthesis and replace them with commas. Of course that would been there would be way to many commas in one sentence. At that point, I would advise getting rid of the "definition" of advise. I should hope people over 16 would know what sullen means. xD

    There are some other slight errors so I am just going to post your story and bold any changes I make or cross out things you don't need.

    Originally Posted by Mistress Darkrai View Post
    Chapter One: First Kiss
    May and Drew have always had feelings for each other; and everyone knew it. They never knew who their perfect soul was, until now. Now, their dreams come true, when they find that their perfect soul mate was right in front of them.


    May was sitting alone with her Blaziken by her side. Blaziken , which had just recently evolved from a Combusken, looked at her, knowing that May was sullen, or in other words, in the dumps.

    Blaziken, Skitty, Beautifly, Munchlax, and Squirtle looked at her worriedly. May had been like that ever since Ash had left, which was only a few days ago. He had left for the Sinnoh region.

    Max, May's younger brother, looked over at her, and then sighed deeply. He then asked, "May, what's the matter?" He already knew the answer, but he was just so worried.

    "Nothing," May said in a depressed tone. "Everything! Ash is gone, Drew is somewhere, and I'm stuck here in this stupid Littleroot Town! I wanna go back out into the world, maybe go to Sinnoh possibly, and coordinate somewhere. Blaziken is a mess, Skitty is insanely bored, Beautifly is losing the glittery shine of her wings, Munchlax misses Ash, and Squirtle is depressed! I don't know what to do! I wanna go back; I wanna see Ash, see DREW!"

    The thought of Drew, and seeing him, had lifted her spirits.

    Suddenly, she jumped off the bed, pushed Max aside, heard him yell "Ouch!" and exclaimed back, "Sorry!" and grabbed her Pokeballs. Her Pokemon returned to their Pokeballs, all wondering what May was doing.

    Swiftly, she grabbed her belt, yelled to her mom, "Going back to explore!" and exited the house.

    Anxiously, she ran to Oldale Town, feeling completely happy and free. (Why? How about Hope?)

    She then ran to the route above Oldale Town and scanned the water. On the other side of the water was Slateport City. Well... Very close to Slateport City. There, in port at Slateport was a ferry, the same ferry that had dropped her off. She called out her Squirtle.

    "Squir!" Her Squirtle exclaimed.

    "Let's go," May said. "Cross this river for me. I wanna get to Slateport before the ferry leaves!"

    Squirtle nodded. May jumped onto his back, and Squirtle began to swim to the other side.

    It took maybe ten to fifteen minutes before they made it to the other side; and when they did, they were soaking wet.

    May didn't care, though. She wanted to get to Slateport City. Quickly, so as not to look ridiculous, she told her Blaziken to 'warm' her up. Her Blaziken used Ember, which instantly dried her clothing. (Ember didn't burn it?) May thanked her Blaziken, and returned him into the Pokeball; she did the same to Squirtle.

    Running like the wind, May ran the rest of the way to Slateport City, completely out of breathe. She then hustled to the harbor, and saw that the ferry was still there.

    She started to run towards the ferry, when she saw a very familiar green-headed boy exit the ferry, coming down the stairs to Slateport City.

    May's stopped breathing for an instant. Drew? Drew's here? May thought. (They were too similar, try something like this ^ )

    Drew then saw her, and his heart skipped a few beats, also.

    He then made it down the stairs and right into May. They stared at each other, feeling utterly nervous. They couldn't help feel for each other; they had ever since they first met.

    Drew was the first to recover, since he said, "Hey, May. How's it going?"

    May shook her head and stuttered, "Ex-excellent, D-d-d-drew." (Sounds a little awkward. Try : "Gr-great, D-d-drew..." ... Now that you are here, May thought gazing into Drew's captivating eyes.)

    Drew looked at her thoroughly, realizing she must have lost some pounds, because she looked stunningly beautiful.

    Just recently, May had started wearing makeup. She wore a simple cover-up, blush, lipstick, and mascara. Her eyes really popped, her cover-up concealed her pimples, and the blush rosened the color of her high-cheek bones.

    "You look.... Beautiful." Drew whispered, slightly stunned at himself for saying it aloud.

    May blushed, then said, "Thanks, Drew. You too."

    Looking around nervously, they saw everyone was watching them. They giggled awkwardly as Drew scratched the back of his head.

    Quickly, Drew grabbed her hand and pulled her to the hotel, where he had already booked a room.

    Dragging her into his suite, he plopped her down on the bed and said, "So, how has it been these past few days without Ash?"

    Suddenly, May was down in the dumps again.

    "Boring," May replied unenthusiasticly. "Ash was like, my best-friend, and now he's gone. Brock left just this morning back to Pewter City. Max is still not old enough to travel, and I'm stuck watching him! But, I escaped today! Haha!"

    May looked at Drew. Drew looked back.

    Without even realizing it, Drew took May's chin in the cup of his palm, and pulled her head to his. He then kissed her. A true, passionate kiss. They had never felt so many butterflies in their stomach; they couldn't believe it was really happening.

    (I don't see many with a perfect way to describe it but that was really good ^ ^)

    May abruptly pulled away, looking shocked in the process.

    Drew stared dreamily at her, imagining what could have happened.

    May blushed; she couldn't help it. She absolutely loved Drew.

    Drew, however, wasn't so reluctant to ask. "So, uh, May, you wanna go on a date to the Dragon's Den diner? That's the only reason I came back to Hoenn... is for you."

    May blushed deeply again and said, "Yah, Drew, I'd love to."

    They both smiled, and then they both took each others hands and intertwined their fingers together.


    That's it for Chapter One: First Kiss! Did you like it? I really don't mind harsh critique, so please help me if there is anything wrong! Okay? Thanks for reading!
    Well that made me feel better :p
    Your kiss was short but yet filled with the perfect description of it. No complaints here XD

    EDIT: Of course you don't have to use the word/sentence changes I gave.
    Just make sure you focus on the spelling and other similar errors.

    Triplets with IceDragon2439 and Buoysel

    Reply With Quote