[Pokémon] True Hatred

Here's yet another one of my tries at fanfic:

True Hatred
Chapter One

His name was Marcus. His violet hair matched the violet long-sleeve shirt he wore, and his pants were the white like a ghost. His skin was a peachy-like color, and his violet eyes were deep and full of thought. He stood on the peak of Mt. Way, a rocky and steep slope. At the top, he knew he had one mission. He knew what he had to do, but he didn't quite know what he was doing. His friend Hisan, shows up at his door, claiming that they're going to change the world. Marcus really couldn't care less about the world, as the only thing he really cared about was....nothing. Pure nothing. Marcus would do whatever a friend needed, no matter how stupid it sounded. So when Hisan told Marcus he had to unleash energies on top of Mt. Way, he decided to agree. Marcus was more athletic, more agile than Hisan. If anything, Hisan wouldn't be able to get the first hundred yards up Mt. Way, which was a small amount in the mind of Marcus. So, here he was, the person who really couldn't care less whether the world blew up or suddenly turned into a carrot, attempting to change it.


Holding the blood-red stone in front of him, Marcus remembered the scroll that Hisan forced him to memorize. What was he supposed to do with the words, he didn't know anything despite he had to say them in some way. He started mumbling, feeling stupid, here on the peak of Mt. Way, thinking that nothing would really happen. Soon, he sighed and started playing with the words, saying them in a kind of musical rhythm. Whiirrrrr...Marcus stopped chanting for a few seconds. He thought it must've been his imagination, as a few seconds ago, it was as if the stone was vibrating. He started up again. Whirrr..... Marcus's eyes widened. What if he really was going to change the world? He clenched his fingers into a fist around the stone, as if afraid it would explode. Red light seeped out of the cracks, and yet Marcus was so mesmorized, he couldn't stop the chant. As the chant went on, the stone would glow brighter. Soon, it was as if three voices were chanting. One was that of Marcus's own. One sounded female, and there was another male. Marcus was about to panic, but when he started hearing the pokemon cries from the children's video games, he began to calm down, convincing himself it was his own imagination. The stone began to glow brighter, and it began to heat up. Marcus winced and gave out a little cry when he dropped the smoking stone, shaking his hand. Moments before the stone hit the ground, it began to levitate. That's when it exploded. Marcus was bathed in red light, and blown backwards against the mountainside. His neck was sharply thrusted backwards and his head hit the brownish rock, before he slumped, motionless. Finally, the stone cooled down and dropped to the ground, though now it was a dark shade of navy. Marcus remained unmoving, though he was still alive. It took a few minutes before Marcus actually had the energy to open his eyes. There was a stain of blood on the rock where his head had hit. It didn't matter. Marcus had successfully released what was sealed within the stone, and that was enough.

Hisan waited patiently. Finally, Marcus returned, his left palm acting as a cushion to the slight injury on the back of his head.
"Done?" Hisan asked, his foot tapping against the rocky ground at the base of the mountain.
"Yes." Marcus said, with a single word. His voice was calm and collected, a cold yet smooth tone that one person would be unable to tell what he was feeling at the moment. Hisan just nodded at Marcus's reply before punching some digits into the device on his wrist. It looked like a watch, but Marcus knew it was something far more advanced. The digital screen flipped from it's usual teal to a hazel like color on the device, and it gave a small growl-like noise. Marcus was silent as he turned and walked away.
"Hisan, what exactly did I release?" Marcus asked as he walked, still his calm voice.

"Something that will change the world." Hisan answered. The hazel screen suddenly launched a blinding flash of light at the ground. When the light cleared away, the ground was scorched, and in the center of the blast, was now a small egg with intricate designs on it. Marcus simply looked at it before saying:
"It looks kind of like those pokemon eggs from that childish game."
Hisan just grinned before his reply:

"Marcus, you have no idea. Let me tell you a secret, for helping me get to this point: Pokemon are real. Or were. Once upon a time, when Earth formed, on the opposite side of the sun was another similiar planet. This other planet was full of strange creatures, of what you know as pokemon. Two astronomers, Zeke and Paige, decided to figure out what was on the other side of the sun in the year 2020. Off they went, and they discovered pokemon. The exact creatures from the game. There was a small device on it, taking pictures. Paige and Zeke determined this was how the game designers got the pictures of the pokemon. Zeke and Paige wanted to share this back on Earth, but the device caught a picture of them. Apparently, the game designers didn't want others to know of this planet. Nobody knows why. The device sent out a bluish light that encapsuled Zeke and Paige in a sphere. The sphere began to grow smaller...and smaller...until Charmander burned the device up. Charmander must've been tired of the device or something. Zeke and Paige hurried back to their shuttle, their oxygen beginning to run low. That's when it happened. The wreckage of the device had an emergency progam implanted in it, and this was too stop news of pokemon spreading. It trapped the pokemon, Zeke, Paige, even the shuttle in that of a small stone. It turned them all to pure energy and destroyed everything. Luckily, Paige was able to communicate using a device in her suit, the Earth-Space Communicator from 2013. That message came to me. I retrieved the stone myself, and knew that solar energies would be able to release whatever remained. I expected millions of pokemon, but due to the game designer's greed, all we're left with is this egg...but I believe we can DNA clone it. Breed the pokemon with a dog or a cat, and soon new species will come to be! I'm tellin you, this'll change history!!" By the time Hisan had finished, he was almost shouting.

Marcus was silent, but gave a small nod. Finally, he spoke up:
"So, nobody knows why the big company doesn't want others to know?"
"As far as I know of." Hisan replied. Hisan was an older man, weaker, runtier, but still had a good heart. Or at least, close to good. Marcus could tell Hisan had another motive up his sleeve with the egg, but couldn't tell. So he just went along as they planned what to do.

First the egg would have to hatch. In the pokemon games, eggs hatched by footsteps. Well, this would be Marcus's responsibility to hatch it and Hisan to do further research on the egg. They had agreed on it. Little did they know, Olivia, worker at the 'Pokemon' company was tracking the stone and saw this whole thing. She worked in a secret branch of the 'Pokemon' company, to protect the secret from getting out. Even she didn't know why, but she intended to carry out her boss's wishes. She planned to destroy the egg. She pressed a device on a device on her wrist, similiar to Hisan's, and it sent out a grayish microscopic device onto the egg. This would allow her to track it. She thought about sending a poison chip upon the egg, but that would reveal her, and she'd be captured, chances being they'd make her cough up where the second sole survivor of the pokemon breed was. Little did she know, Marcus and Hisan thought that this egg was the last pokemon on Earth. Olivia strutted away, stealthily, and was gone from the scene....

Marcus had been going in circles for a few hours now. Little did he know, that he was being observed by another group. Olivia and others, following the tracking chip. They planned to 'clumsily' trip over Marcus causing the egg to fall and shatter on the floor.
"Phoebe, you first." said Wataru Hasibaki. Phoebe gave a slight nod before running out of the hiding spot. She was wearin a casual jogger uniform, but like Olivia, only intended to carry out the boss's wishes. She ran and purposely tripped, giving a fake and almost believable yelp. She hit Marcus in the waist, causing him to tumble down, and sending the egg into the air. THUNK! Marcus turned and sighed. The egg was caught between two branches on a tree, in the nature-filled park he was circling in. Phoebe merely did an adorable 'Oopsies.' and carried on. She had failed.
"Gyribade, go!" Wataru hissed. Olivia knew she'd go last, right after Rip. But, one of her boss's elite members, Wataru, would be observing making sure it ended in their favor. Gyribade emerged from a bush and ran towards the tree, spotting the egg.
"Do you need any help getting this down?" Gyribade asked Marcus. Marcus simply responded with a 'No.'
"But I insist!" Gyribade continued and he started climbing up the tree. He reached out grabbed the egg, and pretended it slipped out of his grasp.
"OOPS!!" Gyribade said, before falling right after the egg. Marcus was quick to catch the egg, before Gyribade landed on him. Marcus fell to the floor, his arms going up, his body going down. The egg was in the air again.
"Get off me before I hurt you." Marcus said in a menacing tone, so Gyribade got off. The egg landed on top of the bush that Rip was behind, and got stuck in the middle of it, still unharmed.
"Go Rip!" Wataru hissed, and right now, the job couldn't be easier. Rip pretended to start to reach for the---WUMP! Marcus literally pushed Rip down onto the ground and took the egg out. THen, with intensity, he asked Rip:
"Why are you hiding?"
Rip thought of a nice answer, but before he could say it, Marcus slugged him in the stomach, causing Rip to fall to his knees and groan. Marcus ran out of the park, before Olivia got her chance.

Hello~

First off, it's probably not a good idea to change the font of your story - not to mention changing it many times over the course of one post. It's much easier to leave the story in the default font, that way it's easier on the eyes for people to read. It may look visually appealing to you, but for the rest of us with different kinds of layouts, your font might be hard to read through and it turns prospective readers away.

His name was Marcus. His violet hair matched the violet long-sleeve shirt he wore, and his pants were the white of a ghost. His skin was a peachy-like color, and his violet eyes were deep and full of thought.

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I've never been too fond of starting a story out with what a character looks like, and usually it's because the writer tends to either go overboard with the descriptions of the character (i.e. gratuitous clothing detail) or conversely don't go into enough detail about the character, period. While there's nothing wrong with explaining what your character looks like at the beginning, this particular description shows us nothing of his personality. Much like how people express themselves through clothing, you're expressing a part of your character through what they wear, if indeed clothing matters at all to your character's personality. If they're simply 'normal' and don't think too much of what they wear - why go into great detail about what he's wearing at that exact moment? Unless this description relates to his character somehow, try to change it to be more descriptive of him and not more of the clothes. The fact that he is wearing a violet long-sleeved shirt, or that his pants are white tells us nothing of who he is.

As for the descriptions themselves, I think you could do better than using words such as "violet", "peach", and saying that his eyes were "deep and full of thought". There are many shades of violet and peach, and considering this takes place in the 'real world' and not in an anime, this is more important than ever. Take a look at your own skin for example - is it just a peach color? Or are you tan from being outdoors? Maybe you have some scars somewhere? You need a good dose of realism in your descriptions to bring the reader down to earth - more specifically our planet earth, and to do that you're going to want to re-think all of your descriptions. What's more realistic - a boy with violet hair and violet eyes, or a boy with brown hair and brown eyes? I'll grant you the fact hair can be dyed, but violet eyes are very rare, and unless they are contacts I would highly advise you to change that.

As for the "deep and full of thought" description, what do eyes that are "deep and full of thought" even look like? You're going to have to show your reader, not tell them. :)

"Peachy-like" would sound much better as "Peach-like", and "his pants were the white of a ghost" should be "his pants were white like a ghost". No one really knows what a ghost truly looks like or if they even exist, and your original description makes it sound like it's a fact that ghosts are white.

He stood on the peak of Mt. Way, a rocky and steep slope. At the top, he knew he had one mission. Holdin the blood-red stone in front of him, Marcus mumbled some words in some sort of chant-like rhythm. The stone bean to glow faintly, and as Marcus kept humming or mumbling, or whatever he was doing, the glow would grow stronger. Finally, the stone cooled down, though now it was a dark shade of navy. Marcus dropped the stone of the peak and watched it roll down, chipping and breaking. It didn't matter. Marcus had successfully released what was sealed within the stone, and that was enough.

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Again in this first sentence, you're telling the reader instead of showing them. You're telling us that he had one mission, instead of using description to show us. While telling instead of showing works in some cases, I'm afraid here it would be best to show us rather than tell us. You want the reader to focus on the fact he is holding a stone in front of him, and that this is important. He's not just casually holding a rock in the palm of his hand and tossing it off the side of the mountain - this stone has importance. Putting in a sentence that tells us "he knew he had one mission" seems redundant and could even be cut, provided that you 'show' us he's on a mission.

Also, "holdin" should be "holding". "The blood-red stone" should be "a blood-red stone", because you're introducing us into the story and the stone.

Holdin the blood-red stone in front of him, Marcus mumbled some words in some sort of chant-like rhythm. The stone bean to glow faintly, and as Marcus kept humming or mumbling, or whatever he was doing, the glow would grow stronger.

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Marcus had successfully released what was sealed within the stone, and that was enough.

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This narration seems inconsistent with your previous claim that Marcus was 'on a mission'. Usually people who have specific goals in mind know what they are doing, and they do it well. In the first quote above, your narrator claims Marcus is in "some sort of chant-like rhythm", and "humming or mumbling, or whatever he was doing". In the second quote after, suddenly we're aware that "whatever he was doing" was releasing something in the stone. Normally I might be able to pass that off as an unreliable narrator, but it seems more inconsistent than it is unreliable and I don't think it was intentional.

To clear it up, I would get rid of the 'grey' words in there like 'some sort of' and 'whatever' and make it pretty clear what he's doing. Not as in get rid of your mysterious feel and go into explicit detail, but try to solidify the fact that Marcus knows what he is doing, even if we don't know what it is he is doing. Right now you make it seem like Marcus has no idea what he's doing and doesn't really care what he's doing, yet he's determined and on a mission. It's a bit of a contradiction. (I hope that makes sense...)


Now, as for the content of your story, I'm having a hard time believing your characters and your back story. Marcus released something at this mountain which could possibly be dangerous, yet even though it could hurt a lot of people he doesn't seem to care at all. Why would you release something when you don't even know what you're releasing? Even if he's a sociopath and doesn't care, I have a hard time believing he'd just do this for someone without even asking what it is.

A better question though, is that if Hisan is so enamored with this little event, why didn't he himself go release it? Wouldn't it have been easier to do it himself than to send someone who obviously has no idea what's going on?

As for your 'villains', the Pokémon company, as amusing as your portrayal of them is I just can't take it seriously enough to even consider this as a viable plot. It doesn't make any sense at all that the Pokémon company would hide the existence of an entire planet just because they wouldn't make any more money. In fact, I'd think they'd get even more money if they were real. I don't understand how making them real would be anything but a positive to their income. They can't possibly get in trouble for it, because if someone at the Pokémon company found a planet full of beings to base this franchise on, I'm sure NASA or some other research-based center would have picked up on it long before they even knew about the whole planet.

Overall, I think that while this is a decent fic you could do well with a little more planning ahead. Outlining a little bit never hurts, and it could help you make sure things make sense. Your descriptions could also use a little bit of polishing, especially since this is supposed to be a "real-life" based fiction. I did enjoy the overall tone of the chapter though, and you've got a good grasp on how to tell stories. Just keep trying and you'll get better in no time. ;D