Thread: [Pokémon] Blazon and Team Alpha
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Old December 3rd, 2011 (2:32 PM).
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psyanic psyanic is offline
    Join Date: May 2011
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    Got back from SAT Testing, so I'm not exactly sure if reviewing is healthy since that writing section got me hyped up and tired for correcting vague things.

    Okay, that's besides the point. I'll review this anyway, since I like stories with the Pokemon Rangers since not a lot of people give them enough love, in fanfiction anyway.

    You said that you're going to keep chapters short, right? Sure, some chapters don't need to be long but just keep in mind that when chapters are longer, they tend to have more interesting content to read about. I'll go a bit more in-depth on that later. You have two really short chapters that could be combined into a single chapter. It's just my suggestion, but when I read short jumpy chapters, the story doesn't flow to me all that well because you have to scroll down a couple posts for the next chapter and that wonderful stuff.

    People above mentioned this before, and I'll mention it as well, be sure to space out dialogue correctly as well as paragraphs so your story isn't all jumbled and a bit messy. It keeps it easier to read for one, and that's the main reason I'm thinking of right now.

    Originally Posted by luigimario84 View Post
    The whole of Lan Cave shook as a helicopter flew down from above. It landed on the cave and dropped a bomb on the top. The whole roof of the cave exploded.
    The first bolded text is a bit awkward when you word it that way. You don't even need "The whole of". You could just say "Lan Cave completely shook on its foundations..." It helps the story flow a bit. The next two bolded parts go together. I'm just going to pick at your logic, but the helicopter is on the top of the cave, so what kind of person would drop a bomb while they've landed? I don't think that's what you wanted to get across, so you could say "the helicopter hovered over the top". It just makes better sense if it's going to drop bombs.

    Originally Posted by luigimario84 View Post
    The helicopter flew down dropping of ten passengers.
    You don't need the "of" in this sentence. Just thought I'd point that out. Instead, put a comma after "dropping".

    Originally Posted by luigimario84 View Post
    "Hmm. You grunt!" He pointed towards one of the grunts, "Get your pokemon to destroy that boulder!" The grunt nodded as he sent out his Arbok. I smashed the boulder instantly with an Iron Tail.
    So you have "Hmm" in here, which seems a bit out of place, since Giovanni doesn't look like he'd hesitate at all. He'd just command the grunt straight away without a thought. The next part is the "I smashed..." which is probably a typo and should be "It".

    Originally Posted by luigimario84 View Post
    Giovanni slowly stepped into the room. He looked as he saw the statue he had been looking for. The statue of Terrakion. His Persian pounced behind the statue as if knowing what its master wanted. It shredded a brick in the back revealing a button. It pushed the button making the whole statue shake.
    Giovanni's Persian doesn't look like the outdoors cat. It's a pet Pokemon instead and is always in Giovanni's office rather than outside doing his dirty work. And this is the statue of Terrakion! Where's the enthusiasm? Okay, just kidding. What you are missing, however, is the description of the statue! It's got to be magnificent, since it's a monumental structure. Be sure to add that in. It doesn't have to be ridiculously long, but adding in the imagery helps your writing.

    Originally Posted by luigimario84 View Post
    "Um... we have a problem." an operator said to a ranger.
    "What sort of problem Cameron?" The ranger asked.
    "Well... Chris it is very hard to say this but... Terrakion was taken by Team Rocket."
    "WHAT?!" Chris exclaimed.
    "It was just now aswell."
    "But... then that means."
    Dialogue, he said. Dialogue, he said. Dialogue, he told him. Dialogue, said he.

    First off, we have no idea how the operator knows there is a problem. It would be a bit more interesting if you put in a part where the operator was looking intensely at a computer screen, maybe a radar or something, and it starts blaring red and flashing lights. Also, there is no action other than that they're talking. Unless Chris is just standing there next to the operator, and is oblivious enough to not know that there's a problem, then that's fine. But I don't think that's the case here so add in actions. The operator should be described as to what he's doing, other than sitting at a computer. I'll also repeat myself as I just said, add in description. Imagery helps, like if the operator smelled of pizza and cheap deodorant since he's been on his shift for forty hours.

    Originally Posted by luigimario84 View Post
    Surronding the meeting table were 8 rangers with all their partner pokemon. First there was Chris and Lucario. Then Christopher and the rare pokemon Footerlama. Then there was Otto with Beedril. Next was Stan with Blaziken. He was followed by Reece with Garchomp. Next to him was Hugo and Venusaur. Then came along Edward with the rare Nebneb and Max with Alakazam. They all sat down at the seats provided.
    "Surronding" is correctly spelled as "Surrounding". I don't like these parts of the story where everyone is just listing out names and stuff. It's just so boring to read, and I'll be pressed to remember all of them if they're introduced this way. This whole section could be shortened down into about three sentences. Like this:

    There were eight rangers at the meeting table, slouched in their chairs. Each ranger had a Pokemon beside them, flexing their muscles as if it were a nonverbal competition. A Beedrill buzzed around the table, narrowly missing the heads of the rangers with its sharpened stingers. The land shark chomped down, narrowly missing the bug as it zoomed by. The Garchomp growled, its razor teeth glinting with the light coming from the only lap in the room.

    The door swung open, Chris walking in. The two Pokemon backed away to their respective seats, unable to keep their gaze from each other. Otto scratched Garchomp's red chin. He looked at Chris and said, "So, finally decided to come?"
    Yeah, it's not interesting, but I find it better than a list. It's like going to the groceries. You could also put in bits of interaction, which I did here. Add character to your... characters. It's boring to read about static characters who just go around, save the world, and they're the same as ever. Can't say about it now, but it's just that no one has a character so far.

    You spelled a "Beedrill" wrong by the way. And the concept of the fakemon are interesting, but it helps if you actually explain them. Yes, we are the Pokemon fandom so we know what a Charizard looks like, but no, we won't know what a fakemon looks like until you tell us. So just add that tidbit in or don't mention it at all until it's being used or something.

    Originally Posted by luigimario84 View Post
    "Now, you all know the legendaries," Chris said.
    "Yes," Reece replied. "They are Cobalion, Terrakion, Virizion, Groudon, Kyougre, Rayquaza, Keldeo, Celebi, Latias and Latios."
    Again, don't just list stuff. Well, I guess there's just no other way to put it except just not including it at all. You can slowly reveal which legendaries in your story as the rangers go out to protect them. Keep it interesting, so we have to have a bit of mystery. And the correct spelling for the bolded text is "Kyogre".

    Originally Posted by luigimario84 View Post
    "Um... n-n-nine!" Otto said shaking. Everybody gasped as they noticed what was about to happen.
    So much for the brave Garchomp partner dude. I expected a lot from you, Otto! A lot!

    I don't think I've said this before, so I'm going to say this anyway. I like that you're having the Rangers wage a bit of a war with all the other teams, but it just seems like too much since all the teams aren't going to be in the same region. But having them fight anyway is a plus.

    You have a few spelling/grammar mistakes like with unneeded words or commas, so try typing this up in a Word document or something like that with a spellcheck so you can check to see that you're all set in that area.

    Keep it up, just polish it a bit.
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