Thread: [Pokémon] Forever Changed
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Old December 7th, 2011 (3:05 PM).
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psyanic psyanic is offline
    Join Date: May 2011
    Location: The USA
    Age: 21
    Gender: Male
    Nature: Lax
    Posts: 1,283
    So far, nothing. Just a standard introduction, a bit shorter than most standards. But that's just what I'm used to. First and foremost, edit your story before posting. There are numerous amounts of spelling mistakes and some grammar. I'll point some out later on in this review.

    You should also form paragraphs. All of your sentences are stuck in a massive block of text. One, it makes it harder to read. Two, it makes it hard to understand, which is like reading I suppose. Three, it's just messy and sloppy. Space out the sentences into well-structured paragraphs and separate them. Also, make sure that you press the enter button two times when you do this. Don't forget to space it out for dialogue as well, when the next bit of dialogue is a different speaker.

    Ray just looks downright depressing. I don't feel pity for him at all. He got his DS stolen, his parents are in a crisis, and he has to move with his uncle. The problem is, he just looks like he'll take it and be done with it. He has no backbone. He didn't even try to chase the kid down when his DS was stolen. I would have chased that kid all the way to the end of the world if he stole my Pokemon game, unless he turned around and body slammed me and broke my nose at the same time, then I'll just call 911.

    Originally Posted by TrueBolt View Post
    Ray wached the trees blur by. Thats all there was to see now, trees, rocks, and streems that they ocasionaly crossed. thats all he'd sceen for the last hour.
    Correct spelling in the respective orders: watched, That's, streams, occasionally, that's, seen. You use "that's" since that is the conjunction for "that is". The others are just spelling mistakes. Mix up your sentences. You start with "That's" a lot, and it gets boring fast. Vary it, otherwise it'll turn off readers.

    Originally Posted by TrueBolt View Post
    <Its gona be tough walking back all this way...> He thought to himself.
    I need a space here
    Janet, the social worker who was driving, said "This was the best situation for all of us. Your uncle has no criminal record whatsoever, and will have lots of time to spend with you. He sounds like a nice guy if you ask me." Ray didnt anser.
    "It is" is the conjunction of "it's". You used "It's", which signifies possession. "Gona" should be spelled "gonna" if you're going to use that, but "gonna" isn't a word in the first place. It can still be used, if you want to emphasize accent or something. The next part is that you forgot the apostrophe for "didn't". And the "w" in "answer".

    Originally Posted by TrueBolt View Post
    He'd herd everythig about 50 times already. "You'r uncle Space said that you can live with him now! You'r uncle Space wants to help you! You'l be realy happy there, way off in the forests! He's ritch to, so you can have almost anything you want!" Yaahhh... NOW he wanted to help. Ray didnt think so.
    More spelling mistakes. In the order of the bolded print: heard, everything, your, you'll, really, rich, too, Yeah. The thing with the word that you used, "to", is the incorrect form in this situation. The form is "too" because that is the expression for a comparison. "To" is used for sentences like "he is going to ride his bike today," or "I sent this to her." Seeing that it is neither form, you use "too". These spelling errors recur a lot, so be sure to brush it up a bit.

    Originally Posted by TrueBolt View Post
    He'd only met Space once when he came out of nowhere, to take them to dinner. His father didnt want to go, fut a free meal was to much to refuse. They went to a fancy resteraunt, and stuffed themselves, while his uncle talked about a big break he'd had in the gaming industry.
    The first few bolded texts are incorrect spellings. The last part, "he'd", is different. You should just change that sentence to "a big break he had in the gaming industry." Remember, he'd is he would, and he would had does not make much sense. So just take out that conjunction and use "he".

    I could go on and on with your spelling faults, but you'd get bored, and I'd get bored too. I suggest that you put this in a word document and see all your spelling incorrections, as well as proof-reading before posting.

    Originally Posted by TrueBolt View Post
    Just then the door to the house flew oppen, and uncle Space came joging out. He was dressed in kaki pants, and a camo T-shirt, with good tenis shoes on his feet. "Why helo there!" He said to Janet as she got out of the car. "I trust your drive here was plesant?" He said as he poped the trunk, and started hauling suitcases out."Uhhhh.... yah. It was great." Janet said glancing sidelong at Ray. "Good good! Well come along then! Lets get this stuff up to your room!" Space said as he joged back up the steps, and into the house. Ray and Janet stood by the car for a few seconds, before Janet asked "Do you realy want to stay here with this guy? He seems kinda... whacky."
    I don't see how an enthusiastic family member willing to take in his nephew would be weird. It seems pretty typical. If anything, Janet is the odd one, seeing that anyone willing to take in children are monsters and will probably eat the ones they foster. It just doesn't make sense. I could understand if Janet was simply worried, but this is over the limit. Keep it realistic is my point.

    Originally Posted by TrueBolt View Post
    Ray knew she realy did want to help him, but she could never send him back to his family like he realy wanted. Back before his dad got laid off, and his mother started drinking. His father had worked at a electronic manufacturing center, and only made it there by the skin of his teeth. When he got laid off, he couldent get work, and only got a few dolors doing odd jobs around the neighborhood..
    You have Janet with her concerned mother act, then you go back to explaining Ray's family situation. It looks unorganized more than anything. It just jumps up and down, from the present to the past, making me wonder when exactly is this happening. Keep it crisp and clean. The bolded sentence is not a sentence, it is a fragment, meaning that there is either no subject or a verb. In this case, there is no verb. Combine it with the next one. By the way, teeth don't have skin. Teeth are basically bones.

    The thing about explaining Ray's family could have been utilized better as a prologue, where it's all happening in front of the reader rather than the narrator telling the readers what happened. It's more interesting that way and would help with the clutter.

    I'll also add proofread, proofread, proofread. It helps and makes your writing look more professional if you catch most of your mistakes so reviewers only have to worry about the content rather than the mechanics. I suggest you get a beta-reader, if you so want, so that they could catch all your mistakes. There is a beta-thread in the Writer's Lounge subforum.

    There isn't much here to expose the plot. The only fact we know is that Ray is poor, moving in with his rich uncle. That's about it. So I can't pick at that for now.

    I'll see you around the forums, so keep on writing. I think I repeated a lot of things in my review, and if I did, sorry. I hate it when people nag at me, honestly, but I nag all the time. Isn't that just hypocritical? I'm getting off topic here so...

    Good luck!
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