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Old February 19th, 2012 (3:55 PM).
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psyanic psyanic is offline
    Join Date: May 2011
    Location: The USA
    Age: 21
    Gender: Male
    Nature: Lax
    Posts: 1,283
    Gah. Annoying title. Not the actual title, but because it's yellow. Just thought I'd give my two cents on that.

    Your story was hard to read. At times, it looks like you forgot to press the spacebar. The words are all jumbled and my eyes hurt. Please, please, please try to make it more readable. And your font was really bold and big. I thought it was annoying, but that's my opinion. Do whatever you feel like. But please make a new line for dialogue. It's killing me. When you have a new speaker, jump down to the next line or it's just confusing.

    There are a few punctuation mishaps, as well as a few other mechanics. But it's mainly the lack of space between words, and this happens almost every other sentence. Your forgot an apostrophe in the first sentence in the word "restaurants", so it should be "restaurant's". Try reading over it again and polish that a bit.

    Originally Posted by Nine-Toes View Post
    She brushed back her medium length brown hairback behind her ear.
    I think the number one mistake of new writers is that they always try to describe a person through their looks. Go to your bookshelf, or wherever you keep books, and read the first few pages of, say, five books. Tell me how many out of the five will describe the appearance of a character.

    See, when you describe someone, it's by how they are as a character. You describe them through their actions or their personality. If you can infuse that into their appearance, I guess that's even better. But when you describe someone, try to add a bit of depth into it. For example:

    Emilia sat at the table, her head in her hands. She rubbed her temples and groaned. Bags lay under her soft eyes.
    See here? I kind of described her, but I added in something else. Can you identify it? From this description, we can tell Emilia is tired. That makes the reader wonder why she'd be tired. Maybe because she was up all night worrying. That's a lot more interesting than "she had luscious chestnut-colored hair, cascading down her shoulders."

    You kind of screw with the tense a lot, and the verb tense is not something you want to piss off. You use is, has, etc., when you say her husband was missing, but you use sat and looked in the first few sentences. Keep it consistent or you'll confuse the readers and make the verb tense angry.

    She sat there lostin thought and thoughts about her missing husband.
    I bolded that because missing the space is seriously bothering me. Again. Anyway, onto my actual point, this sentence is worded oddly. Well, I guess it's a bit excessive. You say thought then thoughts, which are the same thing, except one's plural and the other isn't. Omit one.

    A jungle that was widely unexplored and unknown. Many people have gone there went missing andthose who have returned live in fear of returning.
    "And unknown" is a bit repetitive, since that's what unexplored means. And I don't get live in fear of returning. Do you mean returning to the island or what?

    He sat down acrossfrom her and [B]sat[b] a rather full manila envelope on the table in front of him.
    Of course the table's in front of him. What do you take the readers for? A sack of peanuts? We know that and try to not be to specific, or it's annoying. And the second sat is weird. Can you sit something? Well, you probably could, but I set things down. You get what I mean?

    The look on her friends face told her that itwas a question without a certain answer. “Well, yes and no. What I amgoing to tell you is questionable, but it gives us all hope.”
    Just a look told her that? You know what? That's not very descriptive. Show, don't tell us. Say Hysmith furrowed his brow, scratching his scraggly, white beard, hesitating to answer. Clearly an example, but it's a weak description. Actually say what Hysmith's expression is rather than just "his face looked like he could be unsure, maybe".

    “That right there is Hugo’spersonal emergency beacon. It started toping last night and has been going strong every second since.” Porter said.
    It's toping?

    It was weird that the rangers won't follow it. That's kind of like common sense, unless the rangers have their own problems, which they don't. Nah, I'm kidding. The whole deal with Emilia was lacking any emotion. It's as dead as a doorknob. It spins around and helps you open doors, but it's still just a doorknob. What you want is to make the doorknob shiny. This scene is supposed to be emotional, so put that in. Emilia could gasp or tremble with excitement, or fiddle with her wedding ring. Show something so that readers know she's happy, without you just telling us "Emilia was glad that her husband could be found." That's boring.

    Even stranger, finding her husband is going to be a TV show? When did this become so public? The idea of hiring people to go looking is farfetched on its own, but I guess believable. But the weird thing is that the old dude had files on them and he did research like he's investing in stocks. It sounds like the Bourne Identity. Adding on to that, why is this set in the Pokemon world? It looks like it could be fine as a regular old fiction story, which you can post here. I mean you don't need Pokemon to look for someone. It's just looking for a guy. The real elements of Pokemon aren't really in this story, as far as I can see anyway. And the fact that Pokemon training is outlawed just slapped me in the fact. Why is training illegal? And what is their role in the search? Kind of curious.

    “Ha Ha, maybe you shoulddress in something coolah, Mr. Hysmith. “
    Coolah isn't a word. Cooler is fine to use. I'm guessing you wanted to use it for some accent, but I almost thought he meant soda.

    It wasn’t long before Emilia andPorter was standing outside the large metal sliding doors of a huge oldwarehouse.
    It should be were, not was. It's a plural verb because it's both Emilia and Porter.

    A few instances, I thought your dialogue was wooden. I mean it's as if the characters are speaking without any life in them, but that's probably a matter of opinion more than anything. There's also a bit of a lack of depth in all the characters. One moment, I thought Emilia was a hollowed out widow in denial. The next, she's going around bashing people's brains in. Totally figurative, but you get the idea.

    Not sure what you're trying to get with the Asian guy, but I think there's an accent in there. Or you're forgetting a few verbs in his dialogue. I just want some clarification on that, really.

    The battle was kind of static. They just punch each other, and there's almost no build up. Think about it. In reality, fights are maybe a minute long, if that. And those are for like really awesome fights. Pokemon battles might last a little longer, but they're not too long. Drinking a cup of coffee would last longer than a battle. Your battle scene is just a series of actions. The problem with that is there's almost no time for readers to let the scene sink in. First of all, the battle is probably illegal and shouldn't there be some kind of brutality in that? And without any kind of description to stop the action, it becomes to fast paced. Not sure if that's what you want though, but it could be.

    And that's all I have to say about that. I think I'm going insane. You have a solid plot, as far as I can tell, but that doesn't mean squat if your story is unreadable. Make sure the font is consistent and easy to read. Bolding doesn't really help, since that's more annoying. I like the idea behind it, I really do, but it needs some more world-building elements into it. Try elaborating on other things, but don't dedicate paragraphs on paragraphs explaining why training is banned. But have something in there nonetheless.

    I'll keep an eye on this story and I hope you keep on writing!
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