Thread: [Pokémon] Project Z
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Old February 23rd, 2012 (3:16 PM).
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psyanic psyanic is offline
    Join Date: May 2011
    Location: The USA
    Age: 21
    Gender: Male
    Nature: Lax
    Posts: 1,283
    Well, I meant to review this so many times. You wouldn't believe it. One time, I tried and something weird happened and it didn't send. The next time I fell asleep as I was finishing. Now I'm going to try one more time!

    It has a lot of questions involved, and that's always a good thing if you want readers to follow your story. I've been wondering what organization this fic involves, unless you already told me and I completely missed it. Either way, I like that it's from the experimental side, though I have seen it done before (but the majority is with Mewtwo...).

    You have a problem with your verb tense. You said "was" in your first paragraph, which is past tense, but you spring to the past tense the next. Keep it consistent or you'll get some readers confused. Just like me.

    You have an interesting ending, but I dare say it's rather cheesy. I don't know, maybe it's just the way I thought the scientist would say it, which was with a really creepy, cheesy, deep voice.

    Originally Posted by Venasaur View Post
    Its dank, musty halls tingled the eyes from the numerous chemicals and plants; While its rooms, filled with the hissing of boiling liquids and smells from creatures of various sizes, kept many people from frequenting that part of the building unless it was necessary.
    The word after the semi-colon shouldn't be capitalized. Semi-colons separate two clauses, but not two sentences. You could replace it with a period, or just make the "w" lower-cased. The next part, I thought frequenting was a bit of a strong word. I thought it broke up the flow when I read it. That's more of my opinion than anything, but I had to mention it.

    Originally Posted by Venasaur View Post
    In a sudden flash of crimson light, a large, reddish globule, about the size of a basketball, congeals and writhes as colors burst all around it.
    This is a very vivid description, almost too much of a description. This could have been condensed into "a Machamp came out of the PokeBall" or something. But this part confused me a bit, since I first thought there was a white light when Pokemon came out and its more of a glob when they return it. And it's almost too descriptive since it's such a simple action. It's a good notion, but you want to emphasize more important events, such as when they bust down the door.

    Originally Posted by Venasaur View Post
    The man doesn't take his eyes off the screen, pausing from his typing to swipe a strand of dark blonde hair out of his eyes.
    I can't help but almost despise it when people try to incorporate a physical description as soon as a character is introduced.

    Originally Posted by Venasaur View Post
    The hooded figure reached up and pulled the hood away, revealing a woman with long red hair tied into a loose ponytail. Her sharp green eyes scanned the many stacks of books and papers scattered all over his desk and floor before they narrowed at the man seated in front of her.
    And again, the character's image. I'll elaborate here though, don't worry. When you describe things, you try to describe it through a character's point of view. The scientist would brush out his hair, but he wouldn't think "oh my hair is blonde" every time he does it. Like I don't think my eyes are brown when I start looking for a book in the library. I'm looking at the books.

    Also, character's aren't depicted based on how they look. No one cares how they look, I promise. Unless it's like a science-fiction piece and the character is a giant angel with green wings. That's something you want because that's something seriously different. But these are just "normal" people. You want to define them by their characters and personalities. Like I'd remember Leona better as the fiery women with a bitter tongue rather than she's the redhead.

    Originally Posted by Venasaur View Post
    "Actually, too bad for you. I never said that I failed to produce anything, dear Captain. Only that I do not have it to GIVE to YOU. The product is on its way to the Commander as we speak and should arrive within moments."
    Try not to capitalize words. It looks horribly out of place when this happens. It would be better if you italicized them to stress the words, just as someone would say it, but not throw it off when you read it.

    Originally Posted by Venasaur View Post
    Several more images blip across the screen. A Khangaskan. A Beartic. An Exeggutor. Crawdaunt.
    Those are actually four Pokemon, so wouldn't that be four images? And I would say it would be better off if you listed the Pokemon first. Like say, "A Kangaskan danced around the computer screen before dissolving into the image of a Beartic," etc., etc.

    Originally Posted by Venasaur View Post
    "Your next project had better make it into MY hands as the Commander wants, or losing brownie points and a gold star will be the least of your worries."
    Kind of weird to see brownie points and a gold star in the same sentence. I think I've said brownie points once, and that was to a kiss-ass, which fits this situation doesn't it?

    Anyway, I want to know what happens so keep writing! Hopefully, I don't sound too crazy when I wrote this review. I think I'm out of mind, if that made any sense.
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