Thread: [Pokémon] N's Journey
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Old June 1st, 2012 (8:45 AM).
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psyanic psyanic is offline
    Join Date: May 2011
    Location: The USA
    Age: 21
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    Right now, I'm technically skipping school! Since I'm sitting at home doing absolutely nothing, I'll drop a review here.

    I like N as a character. I found him to be probably the most interesting character in the Pokemon world, at least in the games. He has quite an eventful past and was manipulated, and you can't help but feel a little sorry for the guy. Even though he's practically insane until the end when you beat up his dragon. You did outline that portion of his character, so some kudos to you. However, N seems to act more childish than you seemed to interpret, such as playing with toys and having that cube chained onto his pants. I wouldn't think N would be angry with Ghetsis, since he rarely shows that kind of emotion at all. He's generally good-natured and amicable; even in the games, he acts distressed once Ghetsis reveals his true motives. N also attempts to stop Ghetsis from battling you, so distress or confusion seems to fit his personality more than anger. Or maybe that sense of defeat, which I thought was outlined in his final bits of dialogue.

    Originally Posted by Haxofreak View Post
    N was almost regretting setting off for a journey for truth. ALMOST.
    I'm not a fan of caps on random words in the middle of a paragraph. To me, they stick out a lot. I think it's more appropriate to use italics instead, but that is a preference thing, really. The significance of the word should be in the word itself, not in the way you make it 'fancy' or how it pops out.

    Originally Posted by Haxofreak View Post
    The thing was, even though he now understood the bond with his Pokémon, Ghetsis's words still ringed in his ears.....
    'Ringed' is an adjective, possibly describing a person who's wearing a ring or an object shaped like a ring. It does not the action. You want to use rang. Rang is the past tense form of 'ring', which is the form that should be used here. Also, the periods seem to be excessive for an ellipse. An ellipse uses three periods (...) instead.

    Originally Posted by Haxofreak View Post
    "Be Calm!" rung a voice in his head.
    You would use 'rung' when it's the perfect forms of the verb. In simpler terms, use rung when you use had, have, will have, etc. Use 'rang' here.

    Originally Posted by Haxofreak View Post
    For instance, his Zekrom was beyond mad and out for blood in the first few days of his journey. Its ego had taken quite a thrashing, after losing to Hilbert's Reshiram. He winced, remembering the number of forests it had thrashed, seeking out any wild Pokémon daring to challenge.
    'Beyond mad' isn't much of a strong description for Zekrom's rage. You might want to use different words, since 'mad' is an understatement in this case.

    And I bolded the 'thrash' forms because you used them twice within the same paragraph. You want to vary your word choices when it comes to words that aren't as common. Say, if you used 'zephyr' that would stick out more than 'the.' So be picky about word choice when it comes to this, since you don't want to repeat certain words that often.

    Originally Posted by Haxofreak View Post
    N was thankful that he had somebody that he could mentally converse with, it case things got tiresome.
    Probably a typo, but I'm pretty sure you mean 'in' in place of 'it.' In any case, I'm not sure if that last clause (beginning with it/in) is necessary, or if it even makes sense. If things got tiresome, I'm not sure how mentally conversing helps. It's still talking, and N can already understand his Pokemon without reading their minds in the first place.

    You mention that N is keeping a low profile, and I'm not entirely sure if that means N is still in Unova. If that's the case, then that's canonically incorrect since Looker tells the player that N was spotted in a distant land after all the sages are rounded up. I had to point that out.

    Your prologue barely had any events going on, which is what prologues typically are – one big event that shapes the story in some way. This read more as a first chapter, because of all the info-dumping that's pummeled onto the readers. It's fact after fact. There's not even any dialogue here, either. You want your prologue to be engaging. Whether you start with N stopping Zekrom from eating a herd of Bouffalants or as he loses against Hilbert and watches Ghetsis, too, get beaten, it just has to be interesting. Hook readers and make them want to read further.

    It was nice to read about N's thoughts and how they progressed from the beginning of his 'journey' to now. But it would be better if this information was displayed through a better method, such as talking with his Pokemon. There's bound to be dialogue. If I was N's Zoroark or whatever Pokemon, I'd be worried about what we'd do next. N lived his entire life believing that Pokemon are friends and people shouldn't change Pokemon. Yet, his ideals have completely changed after the game's events, and he's bound to be lost and unsure. Or at least his Pokemon think that way. Of course, this is just me rambling.

    Remember to proofread for any sorts of typos. Not that it's a big deal or anything, but it's nice to read something that's practically spotless. It's less jarring to read, that's all. Just keep in mind that you don't want to press a ton of information on readers in one go. You might want to put in events to do so.
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