Thread: [Pokémon] Redux Sunset
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Old November 30th, 2014 (8:04 PM).
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Scarlet Knight Scarlet Knight is offline
Respect the Chemistry
     
    Join Date: Oct 2014
    Location: Nueva Jersey
    Age: 23
    Nature: Hasty
    Posts: 25
    Hi! My name Scarlet Knight and I'll be reviewing your story for this month's Reviewing CHALLENGE. I'm gonna read it bit by bit and make comments as I go along, attempting my best to offer constructive criticism and highlight the good parts, with a few reactions here and there. Let's begin!

    Quote:
    "Where is she?"

    "How should I know? I'm just a passing bystander."

    "You think this is a joke?"

    "I have to admit, it's pretty funny."

    "Laugh it up, then. She can't go far and she's definitely not leaving this region any time soon. My control is all but absolute here. I own Fortuna. I own Zetsuna. I own her."

    "You own this, you own that. That's all I've been hearing since I came to this region. I might not be able to play the hero that stops the organization this time around, but if I can keep one woman away from you . . . if it's just her, that's enough for me."

    "Well, I hope you're ready to pay her debt. I'll be expecting interest as well."

    "Good. I only give 110% in all my battles.
    This is a very exciting start to your fic, and it definitely caught my attention, so kudos. My only problem is that it's hard to keep up with the dialogue. You haven't described anyone or anything. The dialogue is strong, but it could mean even more if I had a better idea of what was going on or at least where it was going on.

    Quote:
    The rain sung in the background of their conversation. Both men's feet were deep in muddled water as they stood face to face, passing the time with arguments and anguish.
    Alright! Much better!

    Quote:
    There was a man who stood dressed to impress. His dark suit drenched, he still stood upright. His eyes were squinted from bad vision, the rain and his anger all combined. He wanted it all. The man who stood before him didn't want him to have it. Why did he persist? The suited man couldn't understand it, nor would he tolerate it. This girl, her worth, it was rightfully his to claim. The power was rightfully his. He clinched hard to the red and white ball in his right hand. No one would stand in his way. That's what he worked for. He toiled for a future of such dominance and he wouldn't be denied.
    Great description! I love how I don't know what going on, but I can understand the character's motive. This is no easy feat and you should feel proud.

    Quote:
    To him, it had always been the battle. Before, it was his only instinct. Before, he won only to win. His soft smile didn't fade, but it's emotion did
    Change it's to its. P.S. Be happy that I'm making time for grammatical errors because usually I have to focus on more important issues.

    Quote:
    "It didn't work?" He was puzzled entirely.
    My thoughts exactly. I wonder what's up.

    Quote:
    The youth with the red hat stopped for a moment as a loud roar blanketed the land. The waters shook with the sound heard far and wide. After moments, the silence resumed and the rain stirred. The youth raised his red hat before taking his hand, and the ball it contained, and raising it to the sky.

    "This is the dawn of darkness."
    Nice ending. Great writing, great description, exciting. You've got something good here, at least initially. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that I didn't get much from a first chapter. I know the suit wants a woman, and the teenager is protecting her. I know the rain is magical. And I know this fight they're about to ensue is deeply personal. If anything, this post could be fleshed out more. I'm getting the feeling that this is a prologue, but even for a prologue it's pretty short. Try to tease more, or just build on what you've already teased. But again, great start! I'll keep reading since this felt so short.

    Quote:
    The sunrise always looked good from Chrome's WINDOW. For years, he would think that as he rose from the bed. It was from the bed that he would immediately walk over to the computer and begin to surf the web. He checked his email frequently, hoping to see a message from Faust. Every time he checked, he would see the same thing: nothing. The depression from the lack of communication would push him back to his bed and he would sleep until mom cooked him breakfast.
    I love the contrast between this lighthearted intro and the last passage's dreary intro. Chrome already seems relatable in this short amount of text.

    Quote:
    Chrome rarely ever talked to Professor Nemo. Though he loathed her duties to send kids on a journey of Pokémon training, she was a polite person.
    My journey fic senses are tingling. It's funny, because journey fics are my personal favorite, but that's only when they're written with originality, which is something that's hard to find.

    Quote:
    "Aw, it's so sweet to see you interacting with someone again," his mom said as she approached the two teens. Beside her was Professor Nemo.
    Geez, mom! Way to embarrass your son in front of his lady friend!

    Quote:
    Chrome, Melancholy, Mom and Prof. Nemo all made the walk to the lab. Chrome never walked inside of the lab before. It was quite huge, filled with all sorts of indescribable machines. Assistants were working around the clock, but they seemed to stray away from a particular section. Of this section, there were three pokeballs lying on a table. Chrome only saw a pokeball once before. It was when Faust received his first Pokémon. Before long, Chrome began to doubt tagging along.
    Well, this is pretty decent description and characterization. I would like to see a more detailed portrayal of the walk from the house to the lab. What does Chrome see? How does he feel during this trip? What is Melancholy's expression? And while I'm at it, what in the world gave you the idea to name her Melancholy?

    Quote:
    "Problem?" Confusion City, population: Chrome.
    Uhh, nice attempt to be different. But I'm gonna call this one a swing and a miss, haha.

    Quote:
    Chrome did have a knack for soothing Pokémon . . . when he was younger. He and Faust would go out into the field next to Nomnom Town and play with the wild Pokémon. Though the adults in the town described them as insane and dangerous, they never seemed that way to him. Once, a group of wild Pokémon even followed him home. That was a long time ago though. Now, he barely interacted with them. Nervously, he responded.
    This is very interesting characterization, and it's a lovely twist on "trainer wakes up and goes to the lab and gets a Pokemon from Professor". And, uhh...Nomnom Town? Man, where are these names coming from? :P

    Quote:
    Mom, you're not worried enough about this. Chrome's initial thought. "I guess that makes sense."
    Change this to: Mom, you're not worried enough about this, Chrome initially thought.

    Quote:
    Then, he felt volts of electricity flow through his body with a rush like no other. The stinging pain immediately caused him to pass out.

    He awoke, lying on his bed, to see his mom, Prof. Nemo and Melancholy all looking at him with smiles on their faces. It was pretty weird for Chrome and he was generally confused. Finally, he looked towards his stomach. Pichu was resting atop of him. The Pokémon slept peacefully.
    Wow, I love how that turned out. He got shocked but it earned the Pokemon's trust. This is too adorable.

    Quote:
    It seems that he became a trainer. Though he was a little disgruntled with the sudden news, he was too weak to object at the moment. Lying there, he looked at Pichu again as it slept. Thinking back, Melancholy was right. It was pretty adorable.
    What a nice ending. Again, the story feels a bit short, but it was very well-written. Honestly, I wouldn't change much of what you're doing. My main concern is the length of your story. So try adding more content, and fleshing out what you already have, and I promise your fic will be even better. It was a pleasure to read this and I look forward to future installments.

    All the best,
    Scarlet Knight~~~
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