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Old November 30th, 2014 (9:04 PM).
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Scarlet Knight Scarlet Knight is offline
Respect the Chemistry
     
    Join Date: Oct 2014
    Location: Nueva Jersey
    Age: 23
    Nature: Hasty
    Posts: 25
    Hi! My name Scarlet Knight and I'll be reviewing your story for this month's Reviewing Challenge. I'm gonna read it bit by bit and make comments as I go along, attempting my best to offer constructive criticism and highlight the good parts, with a few reactions here and there. Let's begin!

    Quote:
    The grassy, sun-lit ground felt cold beneath the little pokemon’s trembling paws. The warmth of another pokeball seemed to leave her small, dark-gray and red form. The tall shadow wordlessly receded behind her. The memory of pokeball, heal ball, and then the alluring luxury ball she had found herself in seemed to cause her little muzzle to lower in shame. Harsh words and memories of many failed battles echoed through her mind like a golbat’s terrible screech as the one who hurled those sentiments disappeared into the forest.
    This is a strong start emotionally speaking. I can already gather that this is about a Pokemon, who seemingly has had a rough past. Good work!

    Quote:
    “Well look who's back!” a pokemon sjirachied with a huge grin on its small, dark-gray muzzle.

    “Did another trainer dump you? That’s soooo sad. So much for mommy’s little champion,” another sneered as it lifted its little red paw to scratch at its fox-like ear.

    “Hey mama, look, ‘squinty’ is back again,” the first pokemon called, running to the opening of its hidden den where a larger, more imposing pokemon lay. A low grumble came from within as a single, sleepy blue eye opened to the scene.

    “Don’t call me that!” the humiliated pokemon shouted, doing her best to keep her tears from falling from her pale blue eyes. A great shadow shifted within the den as icy blue vision came to rest on the stoic yet slightly trembling creature. A long, dark-gray maw draped with long, blood-red fur and exotic facial marking emerged, turning a melty-eye to the returning pokemon.
    This is impressive writing. I already care about the main character, and my heart aches for her struggle to keep a trainer. My only issue, a small one at that, is that I wish I at least had an idea of what kind of Pokemon where bullying her, just for the purpose of imagery.

    Quote:
    “YE-HEH-HES!” the little one sobbed and leaped into her mother’s arms, feeling her little body get pulled into a warm embrace
    I love the way you wrote that dialogue. I can really see this happening.

    Quote:
    “I did my best for her mama, I really did.
    There should be a comma between "her" and "mama".

    Quote:
    “I’m so sorry, sweet heart. Didn’t mama tell you humans were cruel?” the mother spoke with a hint of bitterness in her latter words.
    Oh wow! My initial thought of the mama character was that she was purely sweet and nurturing, but with this one sentence alone, you gave her this fascinating bitter outlook towards society. Just like that, she becomes three-dimensional. Again, impressive work.

    Quote:
    “I just want to be a champion mama, I wanna be one so bad…” the little one sniffled as she rubbed her eyelid with the back of her paw

    “After how they’ve treated you, you would still fight for them?” mama asked with a disapproving look.
    I'm sorry. I just keep quoting these because I love these dialogues. They're so simple but they say so much, and I think that's something that any writer should be proud of, when done so well.

    Quote:
    A wide-eyed look of epiphany seemed to wipe away all signs of sadness as her tail and nose began to twitch in thought. She looked to her mother with a wide grin and a wagging tail.

    “That’s it! Mama, you’re a genius!” the little one shouted with a little creak in her voice as she dashed over to give her mother an enthusiastic hug. “I gotta go – and this time I won’t be back until I’m a champion!”

    The little one quickly left her mother’s arms and dashed back into the underbrush. Though the grass and shrubs were obscured and fuzzy in her sight, the path before her seemed all too clear. She panted a little as her pace quickened, despite an occasional stumble over a stone or small tree root. As she traveled the forest seemed to recede, giving way to unnatural paths and walkways through the shrubs.
    This "epiphany" feels a little rushed, but the way you wrote it was very well. I realized, as you described the way the protagonist regained her confidence and ran off, stumbling and such, that you really have a way with words. That's a rare thing for me to see in fanfiction, and I applaud that. Still, I feel it would be more natural for the protagonist to reach her epiphany a few hours later. I mean, when do epiphanies ever come so instantly?

    Quote:
    If I can’t be the champion as a pokemon, then I’ll be the champion as a pokemon TRAINER!
    Well THAT'S a twist. I'm officially hooked for at least one more chapter. Your characterization was great, description was great, wording was great. Everything was great. I believe this was Mienfu, meaning the mother is probably a Mienshao, but I would appreciate specification of this. And the pacing felt a bit rushed, but I can excuse that for a prologue. Really great job, here, and I hope my busy schedule permits me to continue reading.

    All the best,
    Scarlet Knight~
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