dudebot

Glowing Yellow

Male
Nomnom Town
Seen September 16th, 2018
Posted July 4th, 2016
127 posts
6.9 Years

Prologue
I woke up to the sound of my phone buzzing louder than you could imagine. I groaned as the sound of the vibrating machine echoed around my bedroom. I groaned loudly, as I quickly grabbed the phone, and answered it without even looking to see who it was.

So, it's a small thing, but this is putting a lot of expectation on the reader. It's a set-up for some descriptive imagery, but "louder than you could imagine" would technically defeat the point since we have no real comparison to make. The loudest thing I can imagine on first thought is being next to the horn of an aircraft carrier. For someone else, the loudest thing they might immediately think of it a rooster. Mine may be a little more relatable to the sound of a vibrating phone, but the other . . . not so much.

The start of the sentence is redundant. Rework suggestion: "I grabbed and answered the phone swiftly, not looking at the caller ID beforehand."


"This **** better be important... I was right in the middle of a good nap." I said with the least enthusiastic voice ever.

"Important?! That's a goddamn understatement. 30, maybe 45% of the population of the city dead from a single Pokemon."

"W-wait, 45%?! You do realize you're talking about Goldenrod, right?! There's no way a single Pokemon could kill millions in just one night, unless of course... it was... a legendary... or a mega."

"For one, It's neither. And two, if you don't believe me, look outside your window. Somethings insane about this Charizard, Ex. It's got the power of a legendary, yet it hasn't even mega evolved. We've gotten most of the city in secure areas, but if this thing can do all of this without even mega evolving... we've gotta kill this thing quick, or Johto is practically screwed."

I don't usually comment on dialogue. For one, it ALWAYS varies based on character and situation, so it can go any direction in terms of good or bad based on context.

It comes off like a reenactment of an 80s American martial arts film right now. Similar to Kung Fury, y'know? Not necessarily bad, but if it's not intentional, it comes off as clunky.


I used my left hand to open up my blinds and my right hand to continue talking on the phone. Outside, the entire city was covered in corpses. Dead people stacked on top of eachother everywhere you look. There was so much blood splattered across the road and walls, that the red was starting to hurt my eyes. I began to exhale air out of my head furiously.

This is simply an example of the disjointed sentences in this paragraph. From reading the first few sentences, it's likely that this character is grizzled, older and much more experienced than most. His actions should be described as such a character. For example, "with my left, I pulled back the blinds while holding the phone and continuing the conversation with my right. Outside, there was a parade of death, bodies piled throughout the city. Whole streets seemed to be painted in blood. My eyes burned from the sight as I exhaled sharply and furiously."

"I... I'll kill it!!!!" I screamed as I threw my phone at my window, the phone shattering into pieces and the window cracking. I pushed my blanket off of me as hard as I could, pulled my closet open, and quickly slid on my blue jacket and put my pants on one leg at a time. I marched out of my room while zipping and buttoning my pants, and grabbed my signature weapon, the Sawsword (a sword with a blade shaped similar to a saw, but with a pointed tip and sharp edges so it can still be used to stab and slash with it).

I kicked my front door down completely, it making a loud smacking sound as it fell to the ground. I slid my left hand into my pocket, grabbing a tiny drone, and began to broadcast my actions live. All of Goldenrod was now watching. I could see the Charizard from where I stood, even though he was across the city. He and I were the only ones around standing up. I began to run on the pile of corpses, dashing through the city as fast as I could.

Now I know you're going for an 80s thing. Gotta be.

The Charizard began to laugh with it's deep voice, thinking of me as simply another source of food. Just as I got close to it, I lept off of one foot, and slashed my sword at it's head. The Charizard caught the blade of the sword with it's teeth, and clinched it's fangs deep inside of the blade of the sawsword so that I couldn't pull it out of it's mouth.

The fact that the Charizard was so determined to stop me from pulling the sword out was actually an advantage towards me. While the Charizard was busy clinching onto my sword, I channeled energy from within my body, pointed my hand forward, and began to use the move "stone edge". Stones began to form around my hand, and flew at unimaginable speeds, piercing into the body of the charizard. I began to walk backwards as the stones pierced into hundreds of places all over Charizard, spacing myself for another attack.

"Earthquake!" I yelled as I stomped my right foot into the ground. The ground where Charizard stood began to break into pieces and rumble violently, however the rest of the city was unaffected, as my Earthquake was carefully controlled. Although the Charizard wasn't too hurt by the move, he was having trouble finding a way to stand due to the ground underneath him breaking apart. I had to use a move that would finish this combination as quickly as possible, and believe it or not, I had one. I followed the earthquake up with a mach punch, rushing at him at inhuman speed, and smashing a closed fist into charizards skull. I could hear a loud cracking noise come from the punch I connected on Charizards head. The Charizard began to slash it's claws around furiously, one of it's slashes hitting me and launching me 50 feet away. I slammed into a building and felt a painful ache in my back, however, I landed on my feet, and was nowhere near damaged enough to give up.
I like the camp factor of the story (if it was intentional, that is. I'm still unsure). It's gotta a likeable feel to it.

A lot of here-and-there grammar issues and some pacing problems that make things feel rushed. Not to mention, wording issues throughout. But, you've got a diamond in the ruff with enough effort, I think.