[Pokémon] Project Z

The room was dark. That's what anyone would tell you about the room, as if anyone would ever bother to visit that wing of the laboratory. Its dank, musty halls tingled the eyes from the numerous chemicals and plants; While its rooms, filled with the hissing of boiling liquids and smells from creatures of various sizes, kept many people from frequenting that part of the building unless it was necessary.

Just like now.

Barely discernible in the dimness, three figures trail behind a taller hooded form, its boots tapping a soft noise as they stride purposefully along. They round a corner and come to the large door at the end of the hall. The tall figure breaks away from the group and steps to the panel to the right of the door and presses a blue button.

For several seconds, nothing could be heard but the lazy drone of the vent overhead. The hooded figure sighs impatiently and presses the blue button again. One of the grunts in the back coughs into his fist as the figure presses the button two more times and steps back, tapping its foot just so slightly. When nothing happens for several seconds the trio shifts anxiously and slinks backward as the hooded figure raises an arm and snaps an order. "Bash it in."

In a sudden flash of crimson light, a large, reddish globule, about the size of a basketball, congeals and writhes as colors burst all around it. The blob swiftly rose into the size and shape of a hulky male as multiple arms pumped into existence. Blue skin flexed and a mouth tore into a grin as the Pokemon stood in front of the door, ready at the command of its owner. "Machamp!" it bellowed as it rushed towards the door.

With a thunderous clap, the superpower Pokemon rammed its shoulder into the door, causing it to squeal and groan as it was wrenched out of its track and bent towards the opening as if it were made from an aluminum can. Another swing from Machamp's powerful arms rips the door from its place, revealing the room on the other side as sparks sizzle and cords snap in resistance. The hooded figure breezes past Machamp and flows into the room.

Across the room, a man sits underneath several large computer screens. He is furiously tapping and clicking on the keyboard beneath his hands, head bobbing from image after line after symbol that flash across the screens. Giant glass columns line the right side of the room, each column glowing a faint green as wires drape a network of cords across the ceiling. The man doesn't take his eyes off the screen, pausing from his typing to swipe a strand of dark blonde hair out of his eyes.

"Captain Leona, it's been too long," he drawled. "I'd invite you in my study but it seems that you've managed to let yourself in."

The hooded figure reached up and pulled the hood away, revealing a woman with long red hair tied into a loose ponytail. Her sharp green eyes scanned the many stacks of books and papers scattered all over his desk and floor before they narrowed at the man seated in front of her.

"Too tired to answer the buzzer at the door, Doctor? I know how... taxing your work can be," she quipped, pulling off her gloves.

"Merely busy with my latest assignment. One of the many important works that the Commander has given me, so if you wouldn't mind---"

"Actually I do mind, as would the Commander, as she personally sent me down to this wretched part of the lab to ask you about your little project. Specifically, whether or not you have the final product for me to retrieve," the captain stated coolly as the trio stood in the hall behind her.

"I'm aware that my project is due, but I must regretfully inform you that I do not have it to give to you at this time, my lady." He smirked as the center screen danced with the images of different Pokemon. The captain tilted her head quizzically.

"You mean you have failed to produce the Pokemon that the Commander has been expecting? After your last little hiccup, I would have thought that even you would have at least have a graph to show her. Too bad for you."

"Actually, too bad for you. I never said that I failed to produce anything, dear Captain. Only that I do not have it to GIVE to YOU. The product is on its way to the Commander as we speak and should arrive within moments."

The captain's eyes narrowed again at this statement. "What do you mean? On its way to the Commander?"

Several more images blip across the screen. A Khangaskan. A Beartic. An Exeggutor. Crawdaunt. "Just what it sounds like; I've already had the product delivered. I finished early and decided to make it an early birthday present," the doctor pulled the sleeves of his lab coat up and scribbled furiously on a notepad beside him as he spoke. "Project Z is too delicate of an operation to leave in the hands of just anyone. I decided that the Commander would be much happier seeing it in her capable hands, rather than take the risk of having it... compromised."

The captain drew herself up and pursed her lips. "Well, it looks like I have no further reason to remain here. I shall leave you to your work then, Doctor." She whirled around, cape billowing behind her as she stepped past her flunkies and the Machamp still grasping the door in its muscular arms.
"I shall see you again, Doctor. But before I go..." she waved a hand absently at one of her men, who grunted at the Machamp.

"Ma...MaCHAMP!" It roared as it flung the door across the room. It sailed towards the large glass columns on the other side, shattering it into a hailstorm of glass. Smoke and sparks hissed from the pile of debris, but still the doctor stared ahead into his screens, as if oblivious.

The captain turned as she pulled her dark hood up around her hair. "Don't assume you know the Commander. As much as she hates setbacks to her plans, she hates surprises even more. Your next project had better make it into MY hands as the Commander wants, or losing brownie points and a gold star will be the least of your worries." She snapped her fingers and pulled her gloves back on and was soon lost in the shadows of the hallway, her crew tight behind her.

As they exit, the doctor chuckled to himself as smoke begins to fill the room. "My dear Leona, with any luck the next time around you'll be handing all of your assignments over to me..."

Well, I meant to review this so many times. You wouldn't believe it. One time, I tried and something weird happened and it didn't send. The next time I fell asleep as I was finishing. Now I'm going to try one more time!

It has a lot of questions involved, and that's always a good thing if you want readers to follow your story. I've been wondering what organization this fic involves, unless you already told me and I completely missed it. Either way, I like that it's from the experimental side, though I have seen it done before (but the majority is with Mewtwo...).

You have a problem with your verb tense. You said "was" in your first paragraph, which is past tense, but you spring to the past tense the next. Keep it consistent or you'll get some readers confused. Just like me.

You have an interesting ending, but I dare say it's rather cheesy. I don't know, maybe it's just the way I thought the scientist would say it, which was with a really creepy, cheesy, deep voice.

Venasaur said:

Its dank, musty halls tingled the eyes from the numerous chemicals and plants; While its rooms, filled with the hissing of boiling liquids and smells from creatures of various sizes, kept many people from frequenting that part of the building unless it was necessary.

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The word after the semi-colon shouldn't be capitalized. Semi-colons separate two clauses, but not two sentences. You could replace it with a period, or just make the "w" lower-cased. The next part, I thought frequenting was a bit of a strong word. I thought it broke up the flow when I read it. That's more of my opinion than anything, but I had to mention it.

Venasaur said:

In a sudden flash of crimson light, a large, reddish globule, about the size of a basketball, congeals and writhes as colors burst all around it.

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This is a very vivid description, almost too much of a description. This could have been condensed into "a Machamp came out of the PokeBall" or something. But this part confused me a bit, since I first thought there was a white light when Pokemon came out and its more of a glob when they return it. And it's almost too descriptive since it's such a simple action. It's a good notion, but you want to emphasize more important events, such as when they bust down the door.

Venasaur said:

The man doesn't take his eyes off the screen, pausing from his typing to swipe a strand of dark blonde hair out of his eyes.

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I can't help but almost despise it when people try to incorporate a physical description as soon as a character is introduced.

Venasaur said:

The hooded figure reached up and pulled the hood away, revealing a woman with long red hair tied into a loose ponytail. Her sharp green eyes scanned the many stacks of books and papers scattered all over his desk and floor before they narrowed at the man seated in front of her.

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And again, the character's image. I'll elaborate here though, don't worry. When you describe things, you try to describe it through a character's point of view. The scientist would brush out his hair, but he wouldn't think "oh my hair is blonde" every time he does it. Like I don't think my eyes are brown when I start looking for a book in the library. I'm looking at the books.

Also, character's aren't depicted based on how they look. No one cares how they look, I promise. Unless it's like a science-fiction piece and the character is a giant angel with green wings. That's something you want because that's something seriously different. But these are just "normal" people. You want to define them by their characters and personalities. Like I'd remember Leona better as the fiery women with a bitter tongue rather than she's the redhead.

Venasaur said:

"Actually, too bad for you. I never said that I failed to produce anything, dear Captain. Only that I do not have it to GIVE to YOU. The product is on its way to the Commander as we speak and should arrive within moments."

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Try not to capitalize words. It looks horribly out of place when this happens. It would be better if you italicized them to stress the words, just as someone would say it, but not throw it off when you read it.

Venasaur said:

Several more images blip across the screen. A Khangaskan. A Beartic. An Exeggutor. Crawdaunt.

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Those are actually four Pokemon, so wouldn't that be four images? And I would say it would be better off if you listed the Pokemon first. Like say, "A Kangaskan danced around the computer screen before dissolving into the image of a Beartic," etc., etc.

Venasaur said:

"Your next project had better make it into MY hands as the Commander wants, or losing brownie points and a gold star will be the least of your worries."

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Kind of weird to see brownie points and a gold star in the same sentence. I think I've said brownie points once, and that was to a kiss-ass, which fits this situation doesn't it?

Anyway, I want to know what happens so keep writing! Hopefully, I don't sound too crazy when I wrote this review. I think I'm out of mind, if that made any sense.