Writer of Tales

Age 31
Atlanta, GA
Seen June 13th, 2011
Posted June 3rd, 2010
78 posts
10.4 Years
This is pretty much one of the worst stories I've read. (I define story as a coherent set of sentences that appear, more or less, to have a common thread to them.) About the only generous thing I have to say here is that you at least have a decent grasp of spelling and grammar. From there it seems like it's all downhill.

The first big problem I have with the work stems from the second sentence, within the parentheses.

(It was actually made when a guy who has Aspergers Syndrome and likes to do illegal animal fights and another guy who likes to draw cute, bright-coloured creatures had gay mansex.)
Really? Do you think anyone is going to take you seriously when a description like that is in the first paragraph, much less in a story at all? It's offensive and shameful, to say the least.

Then in the second paragraph, you go and shoot off another line.

a wet space penis with wings
...okay? Again, serious much?

(Apparently the pixies have a white whale as a leader, got captured but evil monsters and get saved by a little blonde kid in green tunic, who travels on a boat with a pedophile captain who also has a fairy/pixie-fetish. He pretends to like treasures and stuff to avoid suspicion.)
...You mean Mesprit, Uxie and Azelf, I hope. And what's with the gratuitous use of sexual words and descriptors? Stories aren't funny just because you plop a ton of swear words in them.

but evil monsters
You mean "by evil monsters."

All in all, it's not very good. It's short, barely amusing, and extremely childish. It's not your grammar either; it's the presentation of the tale and your choice of words and phrases used within it. I'm trying my best to be nice here, but I have no interest in your works if they're all going to be like this.

And keep in mind, I'm basing this mostly off the fact that you also refused to put warnings and a rating up on it, which just boils me even more. If you're going to be making a South Park-esque story with childish jokes and dirty words, at least tell us before-hand with some sort of disclaimer so we can click "Back" before having to read it. I would likely have been more lenient in my review if I had known this fact beforehand.

If it was meant to be a joke story, and you begin putting disclaimers on your works, I'll let this slide. But please, label your joke stories as such and rate your works accordingly so small children don't run into this. What if a youth was here with their parents and clicked on this? I sure wouldn't want to be the mother or father explaining these terms. Just something to think about.

Come read the story I've put into the fanfiction forums! All you need to do is click on the awesome banner above, made by PC's very own HackMew!

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