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[Pokémon] He who is Merely a Rumour [M]

AmusedRaccoon

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    • Seen Sep 16, 2015
    Denizens of Cronine City exhibited the same pattern of movement as every other major urban area in the region.
    There's an implied did at the end of that -- you're comparing denizens directly with "every other major urban area", not with the other denizens in these other areas.

    It was as if she was constantly agitated at her homeless state
    Using "as if" makes the description prescriptive, as in a wish or fantasy, rather than descriptive, and generally also implies that something is contrary to fact (why would it have to be as if, if it already is?). In such cases you want to use the subjunctive "were" instead of that second "was".

    Not many people could be as alert as her upon waking, but it was a survival technique.
    This similar to the denizens comparison in that you're forgetting the implied verb at the end. Essentially, it's "Noun (not many people) verb (could be as alert) as noun (her she) verb (implied could be)". Usually the verb at the end is dropped because it's a little repetitive and we don't need it to get the meaning, but the noun at the end is still a subject rather than an object, so if it's a pronoun it needs to be in subject form.

    Granted, this is almost never followed in everyday speech, but it can stand out in written description.

    An unseen enemy is not necessarily an imagined one. Something in her gut told her that she was facing the former. A trainer's instinct.
    I would argue that you don't need the last two sentences at all; their content is implied pretty heavily by the first one, and it seems like you're going for sort of a brusque, uncluttered approach. It's a matter of preference, though.

    to prevent her shoulders from being pulled out of their sockets, the victim stood. She stood as quite a spectacle
    Be wary of using multiple instances of the same word too close together. It works well enough to convey repetition, as in
    Something had moved. Something nearby.
    but using two different meanings of the same word in rapid succession tends to break rhythm for the reader.

    The Crobat was stopped mid-air and squealed in pain, its innards being twisted unnaturally. It flapped pathetically in the air, squealing in agony, before Gengar finally tossed it to the ground. In a vicious, angry flip, Gengar regained height and shot into the air.
    Just keep word choice in mind. ;]

    leaping onto the cloak and sticking some object into his neck
    The relationship between the cloak, the Spectre, and the Spectre's neck isn't immediately obvious -- when I first read this I thought the stranger was sticking a syringe into his own neck. Consider replacing the pronoun with something more descriptive, like "the figure's" or "the Spectre's".


    There's not much else I could say that hasn't already been said by Jax or someone else. Actually, I didn't read nearly all of the reviews, so some of what I will say has probably already been said also.

    A good portion of your language was awkward to me. I don't much enjoy the short, fragmented style you seem to be leaning into here, because it's difficult to impossible to make that sort of thing flow well -- I mean that it's edgy, but it ain't got rhythm. Your writing here fits the mold for the most part; while certain paragraphs may flow well by themselves they almost never connect well, so the piece as a whole feels very segmented. Then again, I don't review very much, so going back and forth between the story and the review probably threw me off a bit.

    What dialogue you have feels a little cheesy -- not in and of itself so much as as a side effect of being the bare minimum required to push the story. It feels like what exposition is there is only there because the story demands it -- she curses and interjects, it threatens, he makes her an offer she can't refuse, and they all command their pokemon. I know there isn't room for much more, but it still feels sparse. Also this has probably been mentioned already.

    I mean, the idea is decent, if a little generic-seeming at this point. I have no idea who you are, or what the first version of this is about, so I can't speak to any of that. I have this inkling that the quality is significantly higher than most of the content here, but since I'm not exactly a regular that's probably closer to discrimination than observation. Essentially, though overall this review may have been more negative than positive, I can without bias say that it is at least better than average, and I wouldn't mind reading more.
     

    Citrinin

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  • AmusedRaccoon said:
    There's an implied did at the end of that -- you're comparing denizens directly with "every other major urban area", not with the other denizens in these other areas.
    Ah, yes. Thanks for pointing that out. *fixes*

    AmusedRaccoon said:
    Using "as if" makes the description prescriptive, as in a wish or fantasy, rather than descriptive, and generally also implies that something is contrary to fact (why would it have to be as if, if it already is?). In such cases you want to use the subjunctive "were" instead of that second "was".
    Ah, yes, it was prescriptive rather than descriptive, as I added "even when asleep". I'll change "was" to "were". :)

    AmusedRaccoon said:
    This similar to the denizens comparison in that you're forgetting the implied verb at the end. Essentially, it's "Noun (not many people) verb (could be as alert) as noun (her she) verb (implied could be)". Usually the verb at the end is dropped because it's a little repetitive and we don't need it to get the meaning, but the noun at the end is still a subject rather than an object, so if it's a pronoun it needs to be in subject form.
    Ah, yet another time where my spoken English seeps into my written work. >_< Thanks for pointing this out.

    AmusedRaccoon said:
    Be wary of using multiple instances of the same word too close together.
    This could just be me being slow, but I don't see how that relates to the quote above your comment.

    EDIT: Whoops, Swift! pointed it out. ^_^; I fixed it.

    AmusedRaccoon said:
    Just keep word choice in mind. ;]
    Whoops. :P I'll edit that sentence.

    AmusedRaccoon said:
    The relationship between the cloak, the Spectre, and the Spectre's neck isn't immediately obvious -- when I first read this I thought the stranger was sticking a syringe into his own neck. Consider replacing the pronoun with something more descriptive, like "the figure's" or "the Spectre's".
    That makes sense. :) *fixes*

    AmusedRaccoon said:
    A good portion of your language was awkward to me. I don't much enjoy the short, fragmented style you seem to be leaning into here, because it's difficult to impossible to make that sort of thing flow well -- I mean that it's edgy, but it ain't got rhythm. Your writing here fits the mold for the most part; while certain paragraphs may flow well by themselves they almost never connect well, so the piece as a whole feels very segmented.
    At this point, we're getting into the realm of personal opinion, of course. I've never thought of it that way, but my natural writing style is segmented. However, I appreciate you pointing it out, because it always helps to know more about one's own writing.

    AmusedRaccoon said:
    What dialogue you have feels a little cheesy -- not in and of itself so much as as a side effect of being the bare minimum required to push the story. It feels like what exposition is there is only there because the story demands it -- she curses and interjects, it threatens, he makes her an offer she can't refuse, and they all command their pokemon. I know there isn't room for much more, but it still feels sparse. Also this has probably been mentioned already.
    What you seem to be saying here is that the dialogue is what one would expect from the situation? Given the high-pressure nature of the situation, dialogue really was only an auxiliary to actions.

    AmusedRaccoon said:
    I can without bias say that it is at least better than average, and I wouldn't mind reading more.
    Thanks. :D
     
    Last edited:

    Swift!

    The Swiftiest
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  • This could just be me being slow, but I don't see how that relates to the quote above your comment.

    If you don't mind me fielding this, AmusedRaccoon.

    to prevent her shoulders from being pulled out of their sockets, the victim stood. She stood as quite a spectacle

    I believe that's the part.

    You don't exactly need that second 'stood'. Perhaps something as simply as; 'She was quite a spectacle'.
     

    Citrinin

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  • Swift! said:
    I believe that's the part.

    You don't exactly need that second 'stood'. Perhaps something as simply as; 'She was quite a spectacle'.
    Ooooh... *facepalm* That's what I get for not getting enough sleep. XD; I'll fix that. :3
     

    AmusedRaccoon

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    • Seen Sep 16, 2015
    I believe that's the part.
    Yep, that's exactly it. I should have bolded it myself, but I rushed that part a little. D:

    What you seem to be saying here is that the dialogue is what one would expect from the situation? Given the high-pressure nature of the situation, dialogue really was only an auxiliary to actions.
    I know, and I felt kind of bad about not offering any sort of suggestions along with the criticism, but I honestly don't know if there's anything that can be done about it. I think in retrospect the fact that that chapter's all there is right now contributed to the feeling -- with more dialogue-heavy material down the line, there'd be no need to focus on the dialogue in this section.

    Also, you're welcome.~
     

    Citrinin

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  • AmusedRaccoon said:
    I know, and I felt kind of bad about not offering any sort of suggestions along with the criticism, but I honestly don't know if there's anything that can be done about it. I think in retrospect the fact that that chapter's all there is right now contributed to the feeling -- with more dialogue-heavy material down the line, there'd be no need to focus on the dialogue in this section.
    As a reviewer myself, I know the feeling. Sometimes something seems wrong or out of place, but you have no idea what the fix should be. ^^; If later dialogue-heavy chapters would fix the problem of cheesiness, then it shouldn't be a problem; I often drive a lot of points home with dialogue (to the point where it gets so heavy that I need to actively curb it in some places.)
     

    Nudge

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    • Seen Aug 13, 2014
    Sorry I didn't really say much in my previous post, I was posting from my phone so yeahh.

    Anyways, near the start where you have the unknown girl waking up and futilely trying to escape I like how you made it all flow together well and it sorta made me feel like I was in her position which I love in a fic :D

    Also, you wrote the part where she was saved really well and usually it's dialogue errors that annoy me in a fic but I didn't see any errors in your dialogue so that deserves a thumbs up from me :p *thumbs up* haha

    If the prologue is anything to go by this rewritten version is going to be wayy better than the original.
    Keep up the good work :D
    -Nudge
     

    Citrinin

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  • Nudge said:
    Anyways, near the start where you have the unknown girl waking up and futilely trying to escape I like how you made it all flow together well and it sorta made me feel like I was in her position which I love in a fic :D
    That's good to know. ^_^ I'm glad that I was able to take you through what the character experienced. That's one of the things I most enjoy about writing, so I'm glad that my readers enjoy it, too. :D
     
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  • Who said you had to leave a full-on grammatical review........ excited that he's back.
    Point taken, I'm making an effort to leave proper reviews now :)

    Actually, a lot of experienced authors look down on this kind of thing but don't say a word about it because it's not polite.
    I never actually thought of it that way. That's fair enough. Personally I'd just be happy people are reading but I remember ages ago being irritated when people would write replies like "great story 9/10", and even though my response was a little more detailed than that I get where you're coming from.

    ***

    Hmmm, interesting that a second person comes in to say this. Why do I need to focus on the global effect, as opposed to a localised effect, first? My main decision behind this prologue was to introduce the tyranny bottom-up, as opposed to top-down. Do you think this is ineffective?
    You don't necessarily need to focus on the global effect first, it's all a matter of personal opinion. Personally, I think introducing the tyranny top-down is more effective than bottom-up, but it may be too early to tell, as I started reading the first HWIMAR when you were already a few chapters in. Either way, it's just something I found.. weird.

    Also, as a general note to everyone: I really appreciate your support, both for me personally and for this story. It's times like these that it becomes incredibly clear why I love this place so much. :D
    I don't want to be seen as responding on behalf of everybody (though I'm sure everyone feels a similar way), but nobody's responded to this yet, so yeah - you're more than welcome! Just the fact that there are so many of us readers proves how interesting your story is to keep everyone hooked.
     

    Citrinin

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  • Chapter One: Standing on the Tip of a Knife
    "My good people."

    Hundreds of journalists were huddled in front of a stage. Every one of them was trying to push the person ahead gracefully aside, so that their microphone or camera could get a better view. It was something of a farce; every journalist there ultimately derived their pay from the same source. But the illusion of competing viewpoints was an important charade to keep alive.

    The person they were all so eager to hear the opinion of was Evan Emerit. He wore a shiny, dark suit and a convincingly humble smile. His ebony hair was greying around the edges. "Just two hours ago, the former Voice resigned after an x-ray revealed that he has cancer. After serving Torcra for fifteen years, he shall sorely be missed."

    Evan paused to take a breath. To allow it to sink in. Had gambling been legal, he would have been a stellar poker player; he had no tell. Most of all, his voice had that warm, compassionate quality that made him seem genuine.

    "As a consequence of this, I have been elected the new Voice of Torcra. Like my predecessor, I will endeavour to provide the public with the truth. And in these times, truth is more important than anything. We stand on the brink of chaos, my friends." He leaned in – not like a car salesman, but like a grandfather providing a nugget of wisdom to his grandchild. Clasping his hands together, he continued, "As we know, there are those who are enemies of Torcra. Those who want to see it destroyed. I refer, of course, to the vicious attack on Cronine Tower less than a week ago."

    The new Voice of the People paused again. That was his job title, which was far more palatable than what other reigns might have called him. "Minister of Propaganda" had such an ugly ring to it. But, of course, he was more than just a simple government minister. He had hit the ceiling of his career, being one of six joint leaders of the region.

    An Oligarch.

    "Five-thousand, seven-hundred and forty-one. Let nobody forget that number," he said, waving his finger aggressively. "Let that number ring throughout the region. It is the number of deaths that that terrorist attack caused. This, my friends, is the power of information. The power to know whom to trust, and the power to know who our enemies are. Those who oppose the new security regulations would do well to remember this. And this is the platform upon which I enter the office of the Voice."

    A few miles away, a television broadcasting this message flicked off. A seventeen-year-old named Bevan rolled off his comfortable bed, scoffing at the television. "They sure like to eat it up," he muttered to himself. He shuffled lazily towards his ensuite. He splashed some water on his face, at least thankful that he could wake up at eleven o'clock.

    He brought his face up, staring at himself in the mirror. He had a pale, skeletal face. His auburn hair sat in defiant scruffiness against his scalp, while his deep, tidal eyes stared distantly into his own face.

    Casually, he noticed a note on the counter of the sink. I'll be home from the press conference at two. Don't leave the house.

    Some birthday, Bevan thought to himself. What made his blood rattle in his veins, however, was that his father had just been promoted up three stages in his career. On the upside, it would mean an even bigger house. Everything else was a downside. More guards. More rules. Most notably, the man that he'd spent his life loathing would succeed even more.

    Suddenly, he noticed a flash of black in the mirror. Quickly, he turned around. Before he could call for help, a black glove was over his mouth and a syringe was in his neck. He felt a strange liquid entering his body, spreading over him as an incapacitating euphoria. "Have a nice trip, rich boy," a voice whispered behind the balaclava of his assailant. A goofy smile spread to Bevan's face, the assailant removed the syringe, and Bevan slumped peacefully to the ground.

    Bevan could only vaguely make out what was happening next. He felt his hand being wrapped around the syringe, and then it being placed next to him. He could then vaguely make out the man pulling out a vial of liquid and walking into the bedroom. After that, all Bevan could see were the colours and sounds of his environment, igniting before his very eyes.

    The next thing he knew, a bucket of cold water was being tossed over him.

    "What?"

    "I realise you're probably in a dazed state right now," said a disapproving voice. Bevan looked up, and with disgust, realised it was his father. "So let me break it down. One of the guards found you tripping on Juice."

    Juice. A mildly expensive drug, concocted from the byproducts of Shuckle and Parasect.

    "Juice? I was... high?"

    Evan kneeled down. "You still are. Cold water can make you temporarily alert."

    "I didn't... take drugs."

    "Well, of course you don't remember doing it: there's amnesia associated with the drug. But that amnesia wouldn't wipe out your memory of acquiring it. Besides, a syringe was found next to you. Or, if you'd prefer, I could show you the footage of you stabbing yourself in the neck with it."

    "Uh?" Bevan retorted.

    "You and I have never gotten along well, and I know you're rebelling..."

    "Oh cut the bull," said Bevan, sighing. He hated being talked down to. Even when a narcotic which he was sure that he never took was coursing through his brain.

    "Fine," said Evan sternly. "You want to go down the route of blunt truth? Once again, I'm indulging you. Protecting you from your lack of sense. Your lack of tact, of decency, and basic morality. But I at least thought you were smart enough not to go shooting up drugs." Evan sighed. "I've protected you for too long. Your attitude would have you in jail if I didn't hold the kind of connections that I do."

    "Gonna call – call the police?" Bevan dared, perhaps unwisely.

    Evan sneered. "No. But when I move into the underground safe hold tomorrow, you're moving to military school." He leaned in, his nostrils flaring. "Do you feel me?"

    Bevan poked his father's shoulder roughly, looking like a comical drunk. "Look here, man. I don't do drugs."

    "Feeble, even for you," said Evan dismissively, rising again. "And, I'll leave you with that thought as the effects of the water wear off and you slip back into the drug-induced euphoria. And don't bother going into your bedroom to give yourself another hit; we've confiscated your stash."

    Bevan felt like protesting, pointing out that there were no drugs in his room. But instead, all he could manage to do was sit back and let his eyes roll upwards.

    * * * * * *​

    A light switched on, illuminating the dark room. A woman in her late teens with curly, chestnut hair sat across a steel table from a figure completely in black. She could vaguely make out a skeletal, white mask covering his face. It was featureless, except for two narrow slits allowing for eyesight.

    "What the hell do you want?"

    The masked man put his gloved hands together and leaned forward. "If I were a Spectre, I suppose I would want to have you executed. We know about your illegal activities. Keeping Pokémon. Trafficking arms. Vagrancy. But what makes me interested is your affiliation with a certain man."

    He pulled out a photograph from his lap and placed it on the table. On it was a man in a black suit, gloves, a balaclava, and goggles, rigging an explosive. "Of course, I'm not a Spectre. But you knew that. And I suspect that you have an idea of what I want."

    "My hand in marriage?"

    "All the anti-interrogation techniques that you've been taught mean nothing. We've already got everything you know. Which is nothing of value, at least with regards to the organisation which you've been working for. The Knife is so good at keeping secrets that not even its own members know anything about it. Very cult-like, I would say. But you'd know all about that, wouldn't you?"

    "So the rumours are true. He can read minds."

    "In most cases, you should give no credence to rumours. But that one is all real."

    "But you haven't killed me yet. Which means you need me for something else."

    The cloaked man stood. "When he looked beyond the secretive covers of your skull, he found something interesting. A quality in you that makes you, as a person, valuable." He circled the table.

    "You are a psychopath."

    The girl squinted. "I didn't hear 'murder' in your earlier list of crimes, you hack."

    "A common misconception. A psychopath does not feel, except perhaps for frustration. He has no conscience, nor empathy. He sees people as tools, or playthings, to be manipulated; whether that means killing is purely a matter of preference. Many of them hide well, like you have, underneath a superficial layer of charm. Usually we can pick them up as high-flying members of government, and identify them as either useful or a threat. You picked the third option. You're both."

    "So what do you need me for?"

    "Very rarely do we get someone with this quality who is able to operate a Pokéball. Like I said, they opt for cushy and bureaucratic jobs. You had a rather unfortunate start to life, didn't you? Perhaps it was the years of abuse that did it, or perhaps you were born that way. I have to say, I don't care much how it happened. I do care what you can do for us."

    "So you give me my Pokémon back and, what? I become one of you?"

    "Rather rashly, we'd already confiscated and terminated your Pokémon before we had you looked at."

    "What possible reason could you have for doing that?" The girl's eyes were steady. Unflinching.

    "Pokémon have been known to break out of poorly-made street Pokéballs if they feel strongly enough about protecting their trainer. And after about a year of living under a trainer, they become largely useless to us. Besides, you'll take the route that all of us took. You go to a training academy. You get put on the fast-track for promotion as a Spectre. When you're ready, we fake your death, and teach you how to move things with your mind."

    "And if I refuse?"

    "You won't. Your constant frustration with life is that you've had no control. You've always lived at the whim of the system. We're offering you a chance to be above it. To control others. To experience the thrill of having someone's life entirely at your discretion." As he said that, he placed his hand on her shoulder, leaned down, and whispered, "Like I have now."

    "To bait me with honey..."

    "...With a sting sitting in wait," said the interrogator, finishing her quote. "Funny how the good doctor's sayings end up on the street."

    The girl peered into the slits in the man's mask. "I'll do it."

    * * * * * *​

    "Are you crazy?"

    A chestnut-haired teen turned around to face the dark figure that appeared in her mirror. Suit, gloves, balaclava, goggles. In her hotel room.

    "I just came to remark on the irony that the psychopathy pill was actually used to prevent a death. That and an amnesia pill. Are there any lasting side-effects?"

    "You can marvel at the irony on your own time," the girl sneered. "Because of this plan, all of my Pokémon..."

    "A necessary sacrifice," said the man, gathering from the glint of wetness in her eye that her emotions had returned. "And it wasn't like you didn't know. We had to do this, Charlotte. We had to get on the inside."

    The girl named Charlotte lowered her eyes. "I... I guess I just wasn't ready for it. They'd been with me for years."

    The man stepped closer and stroked her cheek affectionately. "You held them dear, Charlotte. It shows that you're still human. But you must hold your freedom more dear. When you begin valuing personal relationships above that... we all lose."

    She turned her head to the side. "What do you want? You always have an angle."

    "Information, actually," he replied, lowering his hand. "I've supplied for you the son of our new Voice. Bevan Emerit. He'll be joining you in the academy."

    "What do you mean that you supplied him?"

    "Daddy thinks he's on drugs." He chuckled quietly to himself. "I just need you to see if you can get anything useful out of him." He handed her a small photograph. "He's a recruit candidate, as well. Front-line stuff, probably."

    As she took the photo, she asked, "What's the profile?"

    "He's been friendless for the past ten years of his life, after his mother died. He's culminated his hatred in everything that his father embodies. Bullying, authority, and control, mainly. Don't get sarcastic or condescending with him, either."

    Charlotte sighed. The profile was simple enough; all she had to do was appear compassionate and understanding. For her, at least, it wasn't entirely an act.

    "Well, I should go, before someone sees us together," said the man. "They might get the wrong idea and think that I'm friends with a Spectre. I have a reputation to maintain."

    Charlotte rolled her eyes, and in that temporary loss of focus, he was gone. She turned back to the mirror and sighed. She knew there was something more to her assignment of getting on the inside. There always was. No operative knew the full extent of what they were doing; they were simply small, blind chess pieces. And the player controlling it all was a madman.

    "A brilliant madman," Charlotte reminded herself in a whisper.
     
    Last edited:
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  • Great chapter. This bottom-up approach to introducing the oligarchy may not be such a bad idea after all :D

    Every one of them was trying to push the person in front of them gracefully aside
    The use of "of them" twice looked kind of funny. I know there's no rule against it, but it just sounded strange when I read it.

    It was something of a farce: every journalist there ultimately derived their pay from the same source.
    I think it's a semicolon here, not a snakebite.

    The person they were all so eager to hear the opinion of was Evan Emerit.
    Again, not sure, but at the start of a paragraph you have to sort of introduce everybody's names again, right? Like you can't start a paragraph referring to "they" when you haven't established who the journalists are in that paragraph.

    "A brilliant madman," Charlotte reminded herself in a whisper.
    Not an actual error, just a personal thought. It always irritates me whenever books or stories have characters whisper something to themselves that the narrator has been saying, or whatever they've just been thinking. As in regular people don't do that. I don't go around and say "a brilliant madman" out of nowhere. Maybe if she thought this it would be more realistic, however speaking it just seems a bit inaccurate. But it's your story, it might work for other people.

    As for the chapter, I really enjoyed it. Having journalists competing for ultimately nothing is a really good way of showing how much control the government has over its people. And I can't really remember how you sent Bevan to the military school in your old story, but I don't remember The Knife being involved in Evan's choice to send his son to military school. Having this whole drug event happen makes it more plausible that The Knife planned to get Bevan from the start. Anyway, again, congrats again. I'm surprised no one else has reviewed it yet.
     

    Luphinid Silnaek

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  • EDIT: I should probably say that I wrote this under mild delirium [/exaggeration]. I made a decent self-checking effort, but if I said something astronomically stupid, feel free to call me out on it.

    The anality of typos means I can find things to point out after like every one of your reviewers has left a suggestion. Yay or boo? I don't believe we've met before; I wanted to be in b4 Jax so I could leave constructive critique and steal her initiative.

    Instinctively, she reached for a Pokéball, but she found her hand unable to move, either.

    The word 'either' in this sense is only valid when you're negating something. "Her hands were not able to move, either." In this case, 'too' or 'also' is more correct -- either that or you could restructure the sentence.

    Now, language structure in the action bit of the prologue. A specific passage I'll quote.

    An eye opened, revealing a hazel iris. Something had moved. Something nearby.

    As quietly as she could, she immediately pulled herself in a position to crawl away. Not many people could be as alert as her upon waking, but it was a survival technique. Scratch that. A survival habit. She couldn't see anything, but that was even more disconcerting. An unseen enemy is not necessarily an imagined one. Something in her gut told her that she was facing the former. A trainer's instinct.

    She moved away in an almost comical method known to trainers as scrinting: a method of escape where one would keep their belly to the ground and use all fours to drag themselves away before breaking into a sprint with their head lowered.

    "Mean Look!"

    Cutting short the crawling phase, she bounced into action, prepared to take off. A wise plan, were it not for the sudden immobilisation of her legs. She fell to the ground in an ungraceful, small arc. Instinctively, she reached for a Pokéball, but she found her hand unable to move, either. Her eyes flickered, frantically searching for a solution. When she found none, she did the only thing she could: shout obscenities in the hope that some nearby trainer would come to rescue her.

    There's a slight overuse of fragments; these things are basically violations of grammar so even though they're accepted, you want to be very light with them. Some complete sentences can be similarly sharp and action-y without sounding choppy. I think someone's pointed this out already.

    Opposed to that is the occasional inconsistency of the style. The scene by itself has sudden tense moments followed by brief stalemates, and you can (and do) illustrate that. But in the early passages especially you go off into tangents; you talk about the social effect of Gothic secret police costumes; you put sentences in unnecessary passive voice; you write the underlined like an encyclopedia description of scrinting, where it would be just as easy for the reader to understand if you merely worded it like a description of her present actions. (That way it would be more urgent and immediate.) I should probably elaborate with real examples if you ask. It would be helpful to overview the pacing of the prologue to see exactly where you want action, where you want the reader to sit back for a beat, and how your sentences serve this purpose.

    It's pretty good in general, though. You usually know your priorities, and where you do convey action, you do it quite viscerally.

    The first chapter smoothens quite a lot; I think since the story is getting underway, your writing naturally eases into a storytelling mode. I'm wondering about the balance between the oligarchy (what's its formal name?) and the Knife: the former seems so clueless and the latter so secretly powerful and controlling, that I wonder where the real challenge comes from. How does this government have such dominance if it keeps a step behind its enemy? This is very early and you probably have some thought-out model that you haven't revealed yet; I just got this impression from what you've showed so far. The goggled baclava man looks to be an exceptional and rare agent, and the whole organisation might not be this strong.
     
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    Citrinin

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  • First off, sorry for the lack of a chapter two. I'm undergoing writer's block, which (as I'm sure many of my fellow writers know) is as much a real problem as it is an excuse for me just not sitting down and writing. ^_^; However, holidays have ended, which means that I'll be back into my everyday routine, which should restore inspiration (surprisingly). I should have it posted within the next few days. :)

    Eliminator Jr. said:
    This bottom-up approach to introducing the oligarchy may not be such a bad idea after all :D
    As you may or may not have realised, you've pointed out one of the problems with a staggered posting of chapters. Unfortunately, it's hard to know whether something is a good or a bad idea based on a chapter or a prologue, but that's the only chunk of information we get.

    Eliminator Jr. said:
    The use of "of them" twice looked kind of funny. I know there's no rule against it, but it just sounded strange when I read it.
    I'm inclined to agree. I'll change it.

    Eliminator Jr. said:
    I think it's a semicolon here, not a snakebite.
    My shift key just loves to act when it's not supposed to when I'm using semicolons. u_u; I guess they're easier to miss when typing and when editing.

    Eliminator Jr. said:
    Again, not sure, but at the start of a paragraph you have to sort of introduce everybody's names again, right? Like you can't start a paragraph referring to "they" when you haven't established who the journalists are in that paragraph.
    Could you please clarify this point? Are you saying that I should have introduced the journalists? They're extras.

    Eliminator Jr. said:
    Not an actual error, just a personal thought. It always irritates me whenever books or stories have characters whisper something to themselves that the narrator has been saying, or whatever they've just been thinking. As in regular people don't do that. I don't go around and say "a brilliant madman" out of nowhere. Maybe if she thought this it would be more realistic, however speaking it just seems a bit inaccurate. But it's your story, it might work for other people.
    Personally, I love when the narration is linked to a character's thoughts, as long as it's plausible and done sparingly. People often have random thoughts and non-linear thought patterns, and I don't think it's unreasonable to show a glimpse that relates to the previous narration. Do you think that it takes away from the ending?

    Eliminator Jr. said:
    As for the chapter, I really enjoyed it. Having journalists competing for ultimately nothing is a really good way of showing how much control the government has over its people.
    Thanks. ^_^ I thought it was quite Orwellian, to have a group of people acting entirely for show.

    Eliminator Jr. said:
    And I can't really remember how you sent Bevan to the military school in your old story, but I don't remember The Knife being involved in Evan's choice to send his son to military school. Having this whole drug event happen makes it more plausible that The Knife planned to get Bevan from the start.
    Yeah. This was something that I intentionally changed from the old version - I realised that it was all too convenient. Bevan was never sent for any specific reason in the last version, and I felt I could improve it by having a chessmaster force him into position.

    Eliminator Jr. said:
    Anyway, again, congrats again. I'm surprised no one else has reviewed it yet.
    To be honest, the inactivity probably happened at a good time, because I haven't been that active over the past week. XD;

    Luphinid Silnaek said:
    Yay or boo?
    Yay. It's always good to have a wide range of criticism. :D

    Luphinid Silnaek said:
    The word 'either' in this sense is only valid when you're negating something. "Her hands were not able to move, either." In this case, 'too' or 'also' is more correct -- either that or you could restructure the sentence.
    Ah, thanks for that. I didn't realise that "either" couldn't work with an "un-"/"dis-"/negative prefix adjective. ^_^;

    Luphinid Silnaek said:
    Opposed to that is the occasional inconsistency of the style. The scene by itself has sudden tense moments followed by brief stalemates, and you can (and do) illustrate that. But in the early passages especially you go off into tangents; you talk about the social effect of Gothic secret police costumes; you put sentences in unnecessary passive voice; you write the underlined like an encyclopedia description of scrinting, where it would be just as easy for the reader to understand if you merely worded it like a description of her present actions. (That way it would be more urgent and immediate.) I should probably elaborate with real examples if you ask. It would be helpful to overview the pacing of the prologue to see exactly where you want action, where you want the reader to sit back for a beat, and how your sentences serve this purpose.
    If you don't mind, it would be more helpful if you could give me more specific examples. ^_^; In the meantime, I'll fix the description of scrinting.

    Luphinid Silnaek said:
    I'm wondering about the balance between the oligarchy (what's its formal name?) and the Knife: the former seems so clueless and the latter so secretly powerful and controlling, that I wonder where the real challenge comes from. How does this government have such dominance if it keeps a step behind its enemy? This is very early and you probably have some thought-out model that you haven't revealed yet; I just got this impression from what you've showed so far. The goggled baclava man looks to be an exceptional and rare agent, and the whole organisation might not be this strong.
    I'll try to answer these concerns without giving too much away. As for the formal name, it was a potential plot point that I didn't use in the first edition. However, I might still use it in this rewrite.

    As for the balance... at this stage (and for the next few chapters), the appearance of one-sidedness is applied to several events. As will be revealed later, there is a tipping point between the prologue and first chapter which explains why the Knife has more advantage at this stage in the story.

    Thanks for the reviews. :D
     
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  • Could you please clarify this point? Are you saying that I should have introduced the journalists? They're extras.
    I'm probably wrong, but I mean grammatically you can't refer to someone (even extras) as "they" or "he/she" in a paragraph without first stating who you're talking about. As in this part of the story should either not be a new paragraph, or in order to keep it as another paragraph you would have to somehow state in the paragraph something about the journalists so that people know who you're referring to when you say "they". Personally, it's really easy to tell you're talking about the journalists there so it's not necessary but many things in grammar are not necessary and I think *crosses fingers* this might be one of them.


    Personally, I love when the narration is linked to a character's thoughts, as long as it's plausible and done sparingly. People often have random thoughts and non-linear thought patterns, and I don't think it's unreasonable to show a glimpse that relates to the previous narration. Do you think that it takes away from the ending?
    Personally it's not my piece of cake. As in, I don't suddenly say "a brilliant madman" to myself out of nowhere (or for example if I'm comparing my English teacher to a hippy I wouldn't open my mouth and say "an excited hippy" to myself). If it works for you that's great, keep going with it, but it's just one of those little things that irritate me.
     

    Citrinin

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  • Eliminator Jr. said:
    I'm probably wrong, but I mean grammatically you can't refer to someone (even extras) as "they" or "he/she" in a paragraph without first stating who you're talking about. As in this part of the story should either not be a new paragraph, or in order to keep it as another paragraph you would have to somehow state in the paragraph something about the journalists so that people know who you're referring to when you say "they". Personally, it's really easy to tell you're talking about the journalists there so it's not necessary but many things in grammar are not necessary and I think *crosses fingers* this might be one of them.
    Really? This is a rule that I've never come across, but I could be wrong. As far as I know, as long as they've been described briefly ("Hundreds of journalists") I didn't realise that I had to name them. :S

    Eliminator Jr. said:
    Personally it's not my piece of cake. As in, I don't suddenly say "a brilliant madman" to myself out of nowhere (or for example if I'm comparing my English teacher to a hippy I wouldn't open my mouth and say "an excited hippy" to myself). If it works for you that's great, keep going with it, but it's just one of those little things that irritate me.
    I suppose it just comes down to preference. If it's any consolation, it's only something I do rarely, so it shouldn't appear too often.

    I'd just like to note something - not to change your opinion, so much, as to give you an insight as to how I justify it. Charlotte's obviously been put into a very difficult position, and has for a long time. Sometimes just thinking it is insufficient self-reassurance; verbalising something so that you engage both speaking and hearing can help.
     
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