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I Wonder If She Knows

SkyBlue

I'm in love...with Ash!
124
Posts
14
Years
    • SpecialShipping poem. I do not own a single thing.

    I Wonder If She Knows

    I can't help but think
    About our special link
    And how different we are
    But from each other, we're never so far
    I wonder if she knows
    That I think of her as a rose
    That has yet to unfurl and bloom
    Yet when it does, takes me from my gloom
    I think of her as a flower who glows
    She outshines all those
    Others who have not experienced her love
    That girl named Yellow is my beloved
    And I, Red, am her defender​
     

    abnegation

    10,673
    Posts
    15
    Years
    • Seen Dec 30, 2023
    ababab rhyming which include 1 or 2 syllable words tend to be very bland and really break flow in a poem, so I wouldn't support it in future work. I'll do a quick run through of the poem regardless.
    Then once you ger into aabbaa, again it's better to have words with more syllables. Though the vowel sounds work well, I'll mention that below.

    I can't help but think
    About our special link
    And how different we are
    But from each other, we're never so far
    Click to expand...
    Ignoring the rhyming scheme as I've stated above, the last line carrys far too many syllables. The line before it has 7 syllables where as the last line of the verse has 11, to jump 4 syllables in one line to another once again decreases flow and I would advise just to keep in and around the same number. I always try to read my poetry allowed and check the meter, an easy way to keep good meter is to have a common number of syllables per line without going even one or two over what the last line contained.

    I wonder if she knows
    That I think of her as a rose
    That has yet to unfurl and bloom
    Yet when it does, takes me from my gloom
    I think of her as a flower who glows
    Click to expand...
    The vowel sounds within the last word of each line work well, however, the only vowel sound is O, making it somewhat obsolete, what had the potential to sound well became overused and left that verse to be sparse and repetitive.
    She outshines all those
    Others who have not experienced her love
    That girl named Yellow is my beloved
    And I, Red, am her defender
    Click to expand...
    Use of love and beloved doesn't sound well, I would change it.

    Overall there is some potential but you need to work upon some things I've mentioned as well as others. Just try to work on rhyming bigger words and ones which are not so commonly rhymed. It's elementry to rhyme things like "think - link" "are - far" etc.
    Meter is also something of an issue, which I've stated above, try to find something of a rhythm in your poetry.


    Edit:
    "    I do not own a single thing."
    Is the poem yours?
     
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