[Poetry] Jom's Poems

Let me try a shot at this. It's been years since I've written properly.

Hunger

I crave for love and love alone
Hunger for it, thirst for it
An appetite I have never known
Love, where is it?

Blood spilled in my endless hunt
My own blood, flowing all over
And yet I search, taking the brunt
When will this be over?

My heart rumbles, naked
Like the waning moon, I rest
Out of breathe and out of love
I closed my eyes and wept

Nice words. I feel the emotion deeply.

So basically,

a b a b

a b a b

a b c d

So a few things I noticed,

1) Repetition
While you do have the standard a b a b format, it was only really implemented by repeating the same word for the 'b' sections. Now this is normally something I would let slide, but you do it more than once and there isn't really length to justify it enough. What the issue I have with this is that it can either come across as a push away from the works and it's why I personally don't like repeating words in poetry. I can understand how hard it is to come up with words/phrases, but I'm sure you can find some alternatives besides repeating the same words at the lines end.

2) The last paragraph
This had no rhyme. It's not a problem for poems that are focused on the whole "Not Rhyming" type, but the issue is yours already has rhyming and it cuts the flow and mood rather well in a negative light. I wouldn't have minded it should it be at the beginning since there would be the rest to fix this, but being at the end leaves an bitter ending taste.

3) These lines

Blood spilled in my endless hunt
My own blood, flowing all over
And yet I search, taking the brunt
When will this be over?

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Notice how you have the word 'all' in the second line of that paragraph. But it's rhyming counterpart is shorter and breaks the flow between the two. This can be fixed with either taking out the 'all' in the second line, or adding a new 'all' to the last one. I would say if you add, a good spot would 'be over'.

Despite these errors I did get the message and understood the point. Someone wanting love and going through obstacles to find it whether it be bad relationships that hurts either the person your narrator is or the narrator itself. It also has a good conclusion of despair from failing to find it and basically being alone and vulnerable.

This was a nice concept and a good attempt. Don't worry to hard about the issues, because problems can be fixed, but focus takes longer to fix. You have good focus on this poem, it's just the other things. In other words, You don't have good Rhyme, but you have good reason! (Heh get it)

Vragon said:

snip

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Thank you for the points. I'm never really one who cared about the technicalities of writing as I only wanted really to express myself. I also intended for the second and fourth lines to end with the same thing and the last stanza not having a definite rhyme scheme (in my ears, it sound like abcb) was also intended.

Anyway, here's a new poem. (not entirely new, but whatever)

Good Mourning

I woke up, alone in my bed
For the first time in a long while
There's a pain in my arms and a ringing in my head
And a loneliness in my heart and a tear in my smile

I have forgotten how quiet this place was
As your voice filled it with every passing hour
The silence is so deafening, I often pause
And wonder, when did sweet turned sour

I paced the room, looking for any sign of you
But I scrubbed it down, many times already
Even if it was mine, it's a home I never knew
The memories grew there, steady

The sun is up, going on regardless
I closed the blinds, let the curtain fall
I lay in bed, embracing the darkness
Good mourning, if you mourned at all.

Something about love again.

It's Hard

It's hard loving someone.

Who doesn't see the things you do
Who doesn't appreciate your presence
Who doesn't consider you someone worthy of their time

Who distrusts your happiness as unreal
Who disregards you sadness as petty
Who discredits your anger as passing

Who makes you bottle up all your frustrations and your anger and your sadness and your mistakes because it's not important
Who requires you to keep track o f a lot of things but can't remember if you had something planned together already
Who only thinks of you as an afterthought and not a constant image in their head

Who doesn't care if you're already shaking in anger
Who doesn't care if you're already wet with tears
Who doesn't care if you're frustrated because you bared your heart out and all she did is roll her eyes

Who can't even stay for one night to accompany you in your depression
Who can't even give you one hug when you're feeling anxious
Who can't even hold your hand just to stop the shaking

Who doesn't understand the fact that for you to fall asleep, all you need is her arms around your neck
Who doesn't understand that after all the pain you went through and is going through, you chose to stay
Who doesn't understand the fact that you're hurting because you love her

I's hard loving someone
Who doesn't love you

I like this one much more since it implemented a "Who Doesn't" as the connectors for most of the lines. The reasons you list off on who it's hard to love is good and dare I say relatable.

I'll only say that there was one typo I saw with an "of", but the rest seemed fine.

Vragon said:

I like this one much more since it implemented a "Who Doesn't" as the connectors for most of the lines. The reasons you list off on who it's hard to love is good and dare I say relatable.

I'll only say that there was one typo I saw with an "of", but the rest seemed fine.

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thing was I experienced all those from the same girl lol.

thank you for the criticisms

For a Loveless Heart

Knocking on your door
I just hear an empty house
Forever silent

My Heart Is a Warzone

There is a constant war
In my heart, it's raging on
Torn between a yes and no

Torn between a yes and no
In my heart, it cannot choose
It cannot endure no more

It cannot endure no more
In my heart, the relentless pain
Of being divided in two

Of being divided in two
In my heart, fatigue
There is a constant war

Sadness

Sadness is

Not understanding a poem you wrote before
Not knowing the words you used to sing everyday
Not remembering a voice that made you soar
Not recognizing a face that took your breath away

is Sadness.

Solitude

At times, I feel
The need to get away
From responsibilities
From expectations
From problems
From everybody

Sometimes, I feel
The need to be alone
With my thoughts
With the little voice
With my insecurities
With my fears

At times, I feel
The need to be solitary
But I can?t
But I?m scared
But I fear nothing
But my darkest secrets the most

Happy Things

They told me to write
Of things that makes me happy
And it made me sad to realize
That what makes me happy
Is writing about what makes me sad

Time

Time; it heals all wounds
Time; it turns these into scars
Time; a reminder

We are the Kids

We never grew up the way they wanted us to be
We never became prim and proper
We outgrew our ideals when we were kids
We were the strangers they warned us not to talk to

We grew reckless
We drove fast and passed speed limits
We had little care for the world is our playground now
We are the reason why we need to check both sides of the road

We lost our ways
We took the beaten path somewhere down the road
We never returned and traveled further down the darkness
We are the monsters under our bed

We are the generation of idiots
We seldom do the right thing and even seldom for the right reason
We do things on a whim, on impulse, barely thinking
We are the kids our parents told us to never become

And yet, here we are.

As love always is

Love. The moment of intense clarity. Sometimes teasing, sometimes real. Always fun. Always remembered. As love always is.

Love! A sudden rise of emotions. A swelling. A crest on the wave. The ups to the downs. Confusing. As love always is.

Love? Questions. The why it do happen. The why it didn't happen. Mystery. Answers. As love always is.

Love; a pause. The beginning to an end. The screech before the halt. The denoument. The final wave. As love always is.

Love. The end. Giving up. A dead end. As love always is.

Love. No more. As love always is.

She

She is the love I found
Amidst the darkness abound
But I was not the love she found
My love, I crashed aground

To Love is to be Constantly Hurt

To love
Is to be constantly hurt
By words and actions you never thought would hurt you

To love
Is to be constantly hurt
Seeing another person happy without you

To love
Is to be constantly hurt
Feeling empty arms hug you when you need one the most

To love
Is to be constantly hurt
Realizing you love the pain more than the emptiness

You Hear it Best

You can hear it best
In silence
When no sound pervades
And all you can hear is
Your heart thumping
Your blood flowing
Through the veins and your body
Giving you life
Reborn anew

You can hear it best
In silence
When no sound pervades
All all you can hear is
The wind whistling
The leaves swaying
Bending to the breeze's whim
Surrendering to the power
Tyranny of good men

You can hear it best
In silence
When no sound pervades
And all you can hear is
The creaking of the house
The footsteps in your mind
Filling your mind with irrational fear
Scared of the unknown

You can hear it best
In silence
When no sound pervades
Love.