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Old July 27th, 2013 (2:19 AM).
kosuke's Avatar
kosuke kosuke is offline
Extraterrestrial DNA
    Join Date: May 2013
    Location: Philippines
    Age: 18
    Gender: Male
    Nature: Relaxed
    Posts: 158
    Hey there people! I'm here to obviously post a fanfic. This is the first fic that i'm going to write so it might not be a good one.

    My rating for this is:

    Not suitable for children or teens below the age of 16 with non-explicit suggestive adult themes, references to some violence, or coarse language.

    Genre: Adventure, Mystery, Action and ,of course, the genres of the Pokemon series... There might also be some that will be added throughout the story.

    ENJOY READING, FOLKS! and I'm looking forward to your feedback



    The Pokemon world! An astonishing place that's full of abundance and grandeur, and most of all, Pokemon. They're flying high above the clouds, swimming deep under the sea, and roaming the great expansion of land. They can be found anywhere you care to look. Pokemon live together with humans in harmony. That is, hundreds of years ago.

    Now, the balance of nature is uneven. Humans have imprisoned every Pokemon in what they call as Pocket Locks, Pockelocks for short. Every sighted Pokemon, including legendaries, have been kept inside this small chamber, never to see even a glimpse of light ever again. Only a few people nowadays even know that these creatures exist.

    The organization called Team United is the one responsible for this imbalance. They send captors to capture each and every reported sighted Pokemon. These captors always have with them a PokeLock and a strange steel ballpen when they're on the fieldwork, and they wave their ballpens strangely every after their work has been done. Also, after all the obviously cruel capturing of pokemon, people do not seem to care. That is really strange.

    What have happened to these people? Don't they even have a single bit of concern to these imprisoned pokemon? Did they already forgot the great deeds the pokemon have done to them? These questions are what I have in mind. I already know what's happening in this cruel world, and I'm going to change it!

    Oh that's right. I have forgotten to introduce myself. My name is Sen Crelius. Quite a fancy name, isn't it? But lets not focus about the name. I am a 13 year old guy, and I already know the chaos living in our world now. I am here to change this world for the better. Its my mission as a creature in this world. Failing is not an option for this is not for my own benefit alone, its also for each and every creature, humans and pokemon. I am now ready to take on the challenges along the way to achieve and reach my main goal, to make this world into the world that it used to be and restore the balance of nature.
    ☣ ☣ デオキシス ☣ ☣
    DNA from a space virus mutated and became a Pokémon. It appears where auroras are seen.
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    Old July 29th, 2013 (1:03 PM).
    Cutlerine Cutlerine is offline
    Gone. May or may not return.
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      Hello! And welcome to the Fanfiction & Writing forum.

      This is only a prologue, so there's only so much I can say about this story. But I can see a few things that need to be said right away.

      It doesn't look like a bad start. It does make me want to read on to see what happens next - which is surely the measure against which all prologues ought to be measured. So that's good: it's what you want from this.

      But - and there is always a but - there are several problems with it that need to be addressed.

      Most urgently: your protagonist asks us to believe that every single Pokémon that might come into contact with humans has been sealed away. Let's say there aren't as many wild Pokémon as I think there are - even so, how would one group have been able to do that? Over the entire world? Surely people at the time would have resisted - and this is a scheme that would have required the cooperation of the entire global population to pull off. I'm not sure how it would have worked at all; Team United would need incredible resources to make their plan reality.

      Perhaps you've thought of a way for all this to work - I don't know for sure. It is only a prologue, after all; there might be more explanation to come. If so, I look forward to it; I want to be surprised and amazed by the ingenuity of United's plan. That would be fantastic. If there isn't any more explanation, the idea might need some thinking about: as it stands, it's not terribly convincing.

      A couple more specific things:

      These captors always have with them a PokeLock and a strange steel ballpen when they're on the fieldwork, and they wave their ballpens strangely every after their work has been done.
      This seems oddly specific. You might want to leave that part out until after the Prologue - it's something the reader should be shown as it becomes relevant, not told all at once at the start. The idea of a prologue is to give us just enough to whet our appetite - not to tell us so much we don't need to read the rest of the story.

      There are a few oddly used words, too. 'Let's not focus about the name' should really be 'Let's not focus on the name'; the word 'about' just can't be used that way. In the paragraph above, you write 'Did they already forgot', which should be either 'Did they forget' or 'Have they already forgotten'. These aren't massive things, just little slips that are easily corrected and don't detract much from the overall message.

      But for all that, it seems like the story's going to be epic in scale: restoring the balance of nature; a single kid taking on a Team that, in order to have achieved even what it accomplished long ago, must rival the armies of Genghis Khan in size; an entire world waiting to be freed - it certainly seems like it's going to be a large-scale, exciting read. I want to know more about Sen, and how he knows what he does; I want to know more about the Team, and how they did what they did; I want to know more about the people of this world, and why they don't seem to care that the Pokémon are disappearing. And making me want to know what happens next is what a prologue's all about.

      So! I look forward to seeing where you take this idea. Good luck, and I hope the story goes well for you!

      For information about A Grand Day Out, a bizarre short story in video game form, click here.
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      Old August 3rd, 2013 (7:31 PM).
      xdwasdx xdwasdx is offline
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        Quite the compelling hook! I couldn't help reading the intro in the voice of the anime's narrator
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