[Pokémon] Pokemon Eclipse Chaper 1

Chapter 1

You see a familiar man standing near a cliff staring at the sky with some sort of pokemon. The pokemon had snow white fur and... is that a horn you see? Could this be the special pokemon everyone talks about, Absol? You take a step forward just as lightning hits the spot you had just stood. At the sight of almost getting zapped, you jump back. You then realize what the man is looking at. The almighty legendaries, mew and... is that a growlithe flying? No it is now a mew itself. two mews? This mew has an odd color. it's pelt was light blue while the other was just pink. The mews clashed together causing an earthquake to occur. You fall down, not able to get up from the intensifying magnitude. The mystery man was able to somehow keep his grip. You then notice he isn't even moving. He stands there motionless, still staring at the sky. The Mews clash over and over again until the blue mew turns into vapor and falls heading straight toward you. Just before it hits, it turns into a pokeball and slips into your backpack. Angered that the blue mew wasn't dead, the normal one attacks you and you wake up to a moon under the stars. you forgot you had taken a camping trip to the forrest. you check your backpack, and guess what you find?

Your chapter is really very short and under-developed. While you seem to have a workable concept, you haven't put much effort into the execution.

Additionally, your chapter merely consists of you stating what happens in a bland and unexciting way. The main character is not at all developed, which is a common problem with second person fics and the reason why a less experienced writer might have problems with the format. I suggest you try writing this in a third or first person format instead, so that you can further develop the main character of the story.

The pace is also exceedingly fast and there is no pause to analyse the events or build tension. Try to take more time describing key events. For instance, when you say the Mews clashed into each other, you could describe the reactions of the characters, the reactions of the Mews, the result of their clashing or even what happens between/before/after each sucessive clash. The devil is in the detail as they say.

I don't really know what else to advise with this story because there is not that much there to discuss. As I said, the idea seems to have promise but an idea is not worth much unless it is fleshed out. Next time, try writing something a lot longer and in-depth, with more relevant and interesting detail. Also, more than one paragraph.

This was only worked on for about five minutes. i was tired and didn't have time to finish it. I will come back and write mor when i have time.

neon222222 said:

This was only worked on for about five minutes. i was tired and didn't have time to finish it. I will come back and write mor when i have time.

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Short tip: Use a word processor. This will enable you to save on your own computer, which will prevent you from doing things like submitting work that you've rushed through. The more you rush through something, the more likely it won't be the best you can do, so you're better off just taking your time and saving offline.

If you don't have a word processor (like Microsoft Word), try OpenOffice, which is a free-to-download and easy-to-install word processor that's just a Google search away.

Seriously, though, I really don't understand why writers try to insist that they need to write something within the time they're online. Most writers don't actually do that. They save to their own computers and work on it offline whenever they have a moment. This allows them to think about their story, proofread carefully, and generally churn out better quality fics than what they can cook up in the five minutes they're online.

Other than that, there's not much else I can say because, well, I usually don't like reviewing work that the author admits they haven't given themselves time to work with (at least, you know, more than an hour). I do have to agree with chickorita. The description is lacking all over the place. We can't really envision, for example, the man on the cliff because you don't really give us much to work with. We can't even really tell where we're supposed to be because other than the cliff, you don't really give us any setting details.

Then, you've got the battle between the two Mew, which... really doesn't have much in it. There's an earthquake, but we're not told how it happens or what relevance it has to anything other than the fact that it tosses you around a bit. All the godly attacks the Mew do to each other (you know, the fantastic show of psychic force, light shows, whatever) aren't described with any sort of detail beyond "they clashed." (As far as the reader can tell, all this means is that they ran into each other. It doesn't really tell us much else. They could, for example, be engulfing themselves in auras or shooting each other down with Psybeams, but we really don't know.) Remember that your readers aren't psychic, so you'll need to give us details to help us visualize the scene you have in mind.

As for the last bit, the blue Mew suddenly turns into a Poké Ball and conveniently falls into the main character's backpack? Aside from the fact that attempting to throw an object into what I presume to be a closed backpack (because you don't really tell us much about it, and I'm assuming that the main character is wearing it at the time) is a bit on the difficult side, isn't that making things a bit too convenient for the main character?

Not to mention, you're telling the story from the second person perspective, which is a lot like first person except you're using different pronouns. As in, you shouldn't really be describing anything the main character doesn't notice because, well, you're trying to narrow down the reader's perspective. Giving them tunnel vision, essentially, by channeling them into the body of the character who happens to be "you." Because "you" isn't omniscient, don't describe things like the ball falling into the backpack and then end by asking the reader to guess what (s)he found. It's sort of redundant.

In all, you have a decent concept. Clash of legendaries for no apparent reason. Kid standing by and watching helplessly. It even has a bit of an LSD feel because the abruptness of the battle, combined with the colors and the movements, makes it seem surreal. You just really need to sit down and give yourself more time to work on things.

(This is, of course, not touching the fact that you also need to proofread. I'd go into detail, but considering the fact that you didn't actually give yourself more than five minutes to write this, I'm just going to wait to see what your work looks like when it isn't rushed.)