[Gen 5] SleepyEmboar's AAR: A Hardcore Pokémon Black Nuzlocke

[Preview]

Welcome to my playthrough of Pokémon Black and what is sure to be a glorious dumpster fire. Enjoy the chaos and stupidity that shall unfold before your very eyes. Read and laugh as I fail miserably at this hardcore attempt.

Disclaimer: I do not consider myself a professional Pokémoner. If you are expecting skilled gameplay, look elsewhere. I haven't played this game in upwards of five years. Please forgive any and all of my inevitable transgressions against the Pokémon community.


[Introduction]

Fuck playing easy games. If I'm sitting down to play something, I want to be tortured. I want to sweat furiously in my chair. I want my blood pressure soaring with each button pressed. I want to feel absolutely gutted by every setback.

Some people use video games to escape from reality. I use them as a mirror. Life is about pushing past the arbitrary barriers and limitations we set for ourselves. I prefer the same bullshit restrictions imposed on my gaming sessions. I'm simulating life. Yes, I'm a bit of a masochist.

Here is the ruleset I will be using:

1. If a Pokémon faints, then it is considered dead, can no longer be used, and must be released. Death is a reality for all living organisms; Pokémon are no exception despite their virtual existence.
2. You can only catch the first encounter on each Route. In life, opportunities are finite.
3. No items in battle, except for pokéballs.
4. Must be played on "Set" battle mode.
5. Cannot level over the next gym leader/elite 4's highest level pokémon.
6. The game must be randomized. Our life circumstances are similarly randomized from birth.
7. Pokemon centers cost TOKENS to use. Medical care is expensive. You receive ONE token when you defeat a gym. Regular healing items may be used, and any "full healing" situations such as beds may only be used ONCE. You begin the game with THREE tokens.

This ruleset is a slightly tweaked version of youtuber ShadyPenguinn's shadylocke challenge.

Enjoy this brutal take on Pokémon — a game that's "supposedly" about traveling around the world with your adorable pocket monster friends.

[Chapter 1 Prelude]

Apparently this website filters curse words, which kinda blows. Psyduck is a pokémon that rhymes with, well, you know... So if you were confused reading that part of my introduction, there's your explanation. Psyduck you pokecommunity.com!!!

I've managed to successfully randomize the game file despite my technological ineptitude. Every thing is all set up and ready to go.

So, without further ado,
let the circus act commence!

[Update Pt. 1]

The circus act is briefly postponed. I'm not allowed to post links until I've made at least 5 posts, which I need to be able to do in order to tell my story.
Although, I think I've found the perfect way...

[Update Pt. 2]

to circumvent...

[Update Pt. 3]

this stupid rule. 🙂

Yes! It worked. Here it is, the long awaited first chapter!

[Chapter 1]

I open the game giddy, purporting an evil grin. I feel like a toddler about to wreck a jenga tower.
Professor Juniper greets me with a bout of meaningless dialogue, blissfully unaware of the destruction I am prepared to wreak on her precious world.
She then asks me my name, to which I respond, "Shperd."



I initially want to call myself Shepherd. The character limit, however, has other plans. And thus, the glorious "Shperd" is born.

As Shperd, I solemnly swear to lead droves upon droves of Pokemon to a most unfortunate fate. I expect a pile of bodies to form before the end of this playthrough.



After the naming ceremony, Shperd leads his rivals — Bianca to the right and Cheren to the left — into his bedroom. On the table, there is a neatly wrapped gift.
Knowing Shperd, I'm expecting either pot brownies or dead cockroaches inside, or possibly, worse, some combination of the two.

But no. To my relief, within the gift box are three Pokémon — one for each of Shperd's posse.
Although, I do wonder about the ethics of trapping living creatures in what appears to be an airtight box.
Also, considering its size, I'm impressed that Professor Juniper managed to cram all three of them in there.

I digress. We are not here to comment on animal rights violations.
In fact,
we are here to commit more.

Time to kill some Pokémon!

Here are my starter choices:



Pictured from left to right: A used tissue wearing an oversized helmet, a lemon wrapped in lettuce, and a puckered booger with a feather on its head.

Both Gulpin and Swadloon are revolting creatures — they're out of the question.
I thought Pokémon were supposed to be cute.
That leaves Ralts.
Sure, it's a base form Pokémon, has paper-thin defenses and pitiful stats.
But it's not particularly ugly like the other two. And that's really all I care about.
Yes, I know. My Pokémon standards are shallow. I don't care.
And also, if by some miracle Ralts survives long enough to evolve, then I'll have a Gardevoir which is quite a strong Pokémon.

So, Ralts it is.

[Chapter 2]

Surprise!



I picked this little bugger.
I couldn't fit the full name again because of the character limit, but
I called her LettuceDwn because I'm certain she will!

Professor Juniper seems to agree.



Shperd told LettuceDwn she was the one we wanted all along — despite the fact that she clearly was not.
It's like a guy telling his side-piece she's the one for him after getting dumped by his girlfriend.
Truth be told, there were at least 647 other Pokémon I would've preferred to use.
There are 649 Pokémon available in this game.

I know I said I was going to choose Ralts because it was the least ugly of the group. My mind changed when I looked up its learnset. At level 5, Ralts only knows how to growl. Growl is a non-damaging move, which does not bode well for our challenge.

Sorry Ralts,
There's more to life than being beautiful.

Following a few lopsided battles in which Shperd utterly humiliates his friends, destroying their fragile teen egos in the process,
the trio is ushered promptly into Professor Juniper's lab.

Shperd decides to document this momentous occasion with a selfie.
He's a photogenic dude, pixels and all.



Photo Caption:
Shperd pushes Bianca and Cheren to the side, taking his spot center stage between two exotic plants.

He doesn't feel bad about it either.
After all, he is the main character!



Maybe one day he'll replace Bianca and Cheren with those plants...